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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Cinder Hell - OWC
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  Author    Cinder Hell - OWC  (currently 2278 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cinder Hell by Alford Hickok

How far will abused, shell-shocked Cinderella go(re) to live happily ever after? Bloody far.

Short Psychological, Blood and Guts Horror based on Cinderella


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Gum
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Good lord! The theme was horror, not massacre. lol. Anyway, this hinted at all the children in the world who once harbored thoughts of ending the Stepmother/Stepsisters with extreme prejudice, including myself.

In keeping with the original folly of the theme, I'll shoot you points galore, however, outside of this being no more than morbid tale of revenge, the overall plan of those so well deserved of comeuppance was bordering on unimaginative, IMO...

Cinderella: "I hate you, die a gruesome death."

Quite the roster of gruesome visuals! BTW

Not sure how it could be salvaged. Perhaps the Stepsisters could live out the rest of their lives in some absurd form of torment (Fairy Godmother changes them into a hemorrhoid cream applicator) or, y'know... simply because Cinderella experienced a lifetime of eating shit from them.

Best of luck...
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Seems like the only working links are on entries that are hard to get through. This is one.

Maybe I'll try again later.



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - I tried to post comments...  but it wouldn't upload them ;-(

So to recap... I found this hard to follow and muddled due to scenes having difficult to follow transitions, too many flashbacks and montages.

Some of it felt a little too close to the original story (toe snipping to fit in the shoes) and maybe brought in characters from a different tale (Aurora is from Sleeping Beauty?)... but I did like the idea of fairy-godmother taking revenge.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
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pale yellow
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Ok from the log, I think this is going to be a slash-fest(not my favorite).

Wow, in the first sentence you throw three characters at the reader with descriptions like ‘Bea Arhutr’s face’.  I had to google Bea Arthur.  Also as far as appearance, your FADE IN is not spaced properly, nor are your slug lines.

IMO you overused flashbacks. I keep finding myself taken out of the read, whether to google or try to remember who’s who here. The knife slashing the air. It’s confusing to me. I find myself skimming this. I did get through to the end and I was a bit let down. I think I prefer a twist on a tale and this one felt like the tale except mixed him with the slashing and poisoning.

One thing that I did LOVE about this was the fantasy parts. I love it how a character could be serving others and acting nicely while in her head she is thinking of slashing them to bits. Very very good idea there.

Good job.


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khamanna
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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I liked Cinderella at first very much - she took action in my opinion, asked to go to the ball and such. And the dialog in the first two pages read funny.

I think you could introduce her mice friends later into the story. First time they talk to her - third scene I think.

Then the motages and flashbacks came into play and cluttered the script in my opinion. Cinderella didn't do much, the revenge came from the Godmother. This is an interesting take on the story but I think that Cinderella got overshadowed here.
Maybe you could start with the Godmother then... I don't know. I just think that the main cause of action could stem from Cinderella.
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EWall433
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Between the initial fantasy, the PTSD fantasy (you sure ‘fantasy’ is the right word there?), the Flashback and being reminded it's Saturday, I think the beginning of this one is having some structure problems. Maybe not sure where to start?

The bit at the end with the monstrous fairy godmother is inspired, but overall it felt like a lot of the horror elements were tacked on and rushed through. I think trying to fit too much in was the cause of a lot of problems in this case. A longer script would've allowed the backstory and minor plot beats (step-sister’s feet) to play out at a more natural pace.

I also don't think Cinderella’s violent fantasies were ever really capitalized on. I thought she might snap and kill everyone, ruining her chances with the Prince. As it played, it's just an unnecessary character trait. It doesn't really effect or change where the story ultimately went.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Cinder Hell is a great name for a horror script based on a fairy tale.

However, I found this one very confusing and hard to read. There’s a lot of characters, both human and rat, introduced at the start. There’s lots of flashbacks/fantasies/drug trips involving flashing daggers in the air and hands gracing things.

It is a slasher horror for sure and you can see it is based on Cinderella, so it does meet the criteria for the challenge but structurally it needs a lot of work. I think there’s a decent story in there somewhere, it just needs a magic wand and a few re-drafts.

-Mark


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Warren
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 4:21pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn’t a fan of that at all. Too much going on, too many characters. Between the flashbacks montages and fantasies it was hard to follow.

Good title though.

Pass from me.


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Cam Gray
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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Not for me I'm afraid.

I just wasn't able to get a foothold with all the jumping to flashbacks and fantasy scenes, it really screwed up the pacing and made the whole thing feel messy. Also, the fairy godmother bit at the end seemed a bit unecessary, almost just adding gore for the sake of adding gore.

Anyway, it wasn't terrible, but it's not on my recommend/consider list.


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Conz
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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reading this one b/c i know the source material for once.

nitpick - CinderHELLa seems like a better title if you're going that route... but who cares...

immediate image of Cinderella failing suicide is a good one.

that Fantasy doesn't work at all.  it's underwritten.  just putting (Fantasy) doesn't let you get away with that.

too many damn flashbacks and montages.  it's annoying to read to be completely honest.  you can get away with like one of each in a feature length script, and you've got a bunch in ten pages.  not to mention you keep repeating images.  we get it.

ball went from whenever to midnight very quickly.  the transition to the next day's dinner was abrupt also.  had you chilled with the montages and flashbacks you could have written these scenes better and still met the 10 page max.

hate the fart gag.

ok... no one is gonna like that Johnny Cochran joke, but i do.  i like shit like that.  i'm in the extreme minority though it seems.  people kill me when i attempt stuff like that.

meh, the end felt rushed.

not my favorite.  a good source to attempt making dark, but overall not my favorite.








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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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"Bea Arthur's face" - HA!  Looks like we got ourselves a pisser here, huh?  That's fucking hilarious.

1st passage littered with incorrect punctuation...maybe on purpose?  Actually, the entire passage is bad, it has to be a pisser, right?  First of all, without any other reference, you're using "Bea Arthur's Face" as a description for ugliness.  Then, you intro a 16 and 16 year old and say they are as equally ugly as the 60 year old Bea Arthur faced Marge, and add that they also have "large lips" and warts". Oh man...I'm dying here.  Too funny.

Actually calling your lead character, Cinderella, is rather weak, but let's see when the shenanigans kick back in.

Her "rat friends"?  HUH?

Not sure what the "FANTASY" means in the Slug.  Are you trying to say this is happening in Cindy's head only?  Doesn't work for me.

Page 2 - What is "BACK" in the Slug here?  WTF?

Whatever follows "SUPER:" is what will show on screen, so you want to lose the quote marks.

OK, so now we have a Flashback, but how long ago is this taking place?  Is Marge still 60?  If not, you have to tell us.  Who is "Ella"?

Damn, now a montage?  What does "PTSD FANTASIES" mean?  WTF?

Looks like this is following tyhe original extremely closely and that's a big mistake.

Page 4 is a complete and utter disaster.  WTF is going on here?  These Flashbacks are very poorly done and then you use "DIFFERENT FLASHBACK"?  Really?  Again seems like a pisser, but I now feel this is just very poor writing taking place.

It's too poor for me to continue, sorry to say.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - C- (as you literally followed the Cinderella story almost beat for beat)

Script/Story/Execution - D



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KevinX
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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First, I wanna say that Cinder Hell is a fancy title

Right, let's get to the point. Just like many reviewers here, I find your script hard to follow as there are way too many things going on and too many flashbacks. I suggest you find a way to give it more culling and tightening. Remember this is a short script, not a feature.

Avoid over-describing characters. Write only traits that contribute to the story or reflect his/her personality. And, try not to introduce too many characters in a short time, it will overwhelm the readers. It is better to incorporate the introductions into the story. Moreover, I believe that a short script won't need that much of characters.

That's all from me. I won't repeat what other reviewers have said. A lot of them got good points, though, I think you should take a note.

Anyway, congratulations for finishing your script. It makes you better than more than half "writers" out there that call themselves screenwriters but never finish anything. Keep writing and good luck!

Best,
Kevin


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RJ
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 7:30am Report to Moderator
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First off congrats on finishing something and really try not to take all the criticism to heart - take a step back, take it all in and start again - it's all worth it in the end.

As for the script: Wow - only write in flashbacks and montages when it is absolutely imperative to the story (usually only in feature length) and yours are not - they seem to be just repeating unnecessary information that doesn't really lead to anything because Cinderella never really acts on any of them and we get the whole deal with the parents. After thought; are you trying to make Cinderella a psychotic head case? If you are, that doesn't really work here either with the way this turns out; she seems more held together than someone on the edge.

Sticking to the plain Jane Cinderella story doesn't do this justice. It would have been more enjoyable if you dug deeper with Cinderella instead of scratching only the surface with her and turned her into an all out loon who acted upon her thoughts? Or even involved the Fairy Godmother to a greater extent throughout and had her plot her evil ways by using Cinderella to her rise? Just suggestions.

Dialogue here is also very much OTN - needs work.

Hope this helps to some degree.  
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AndrewD
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Very gruesome. I didn't find myself being scared just disturbed but I guess that's a type of horror. Alot of unnecussary flashbacks, montages and other slug lines I didn't understand. There's a good slasher film in here somewhere. Clean it up and make it flow better and you have something.  
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