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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Alice in Underland - OWC
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  Author    Alice in Underland - OWC  (currently 1782 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Alice in Underland by The White Rabbit

A captured Alice must help assassinate the queen to gain her freedom, but why Alice?

Short Psychological Horror based on Alice in Wonderland

Apologies, the link,is broken. I will not be able to fix it until tonight.


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Don  -  October 15th, 2016, 1:21pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Title page worries me, as the comma after "Based on" is totally unnecessary.

Here we go...

Well...the rhyming is interesting and not an easy thing to do, but as a script, it has no place, and (add rhyming word with "do").  

I'm sorry, but this is all delivery and as is, does not a script make.  It shows true talent, but is something, I just can't take.

I'm bowing out early, only the 2nd time, but I hope there are others who'll give this it's time.

Sorry..no grade


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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:18pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with Jeff on this one. Although it shows immense talent and it is fun to read, it's not a script, it's poetry distorted to look like a script.

A hell of a lot of work must have gone into this so I commend you on that but it a pass from me.

Scripts are used to make films, that is their purpose. If you want to have rhyming dialogue that's fine but rhyming in action serves no purpose other than to delight the reader, which in terms of a script is not the purpose. Yes you want to enjoy reading it but it's a blueprint for a script not a poem.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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Rhyming aside the story packs no real punch.
I thought Alice was gonna start off as "Boxing Helena" having her arms and legs cut off... but no.

SPOILER
A slight twist at the end, could have been more horrific throughout considering you chopped the Queen's head off.





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Gum
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely ambitious, and I couldn't even begin fathom how many times you ran around the house smashing your head for that perfect rhyme... unless it comes naturally to you.

If memory serves me, the Caterpillar blew out smoke letters from his Hookah; U? who R U? Would have been cool if he showed up and spelled it out for us, as it stands, I got lost in the poetic translation. I think it's safe to say... Disney was a whack job. The original story (Lewis Carroll) had its merit, but it was the surreal translation onto screen that we all remember, which makes visualizing this script even more enjoyable.

You kept me engaged simply because of the effort you put into this and, I would have even given you a consider if the poetic verse didn't weave between dialog and action sequences. Excellent effort though.
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LC
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Two things spring to mind straight off the bat:

Your opening needs a Narrator so that all that lovely rhyming verse/description is put to good use, otherwise it's wasted - don't know why I'm the first to note this.

Narrator. That's essential to this.

Also, your first slug: DECREPIT ROOM, not decrepid.
Ditch 'from the malice'

That holds her mouth
Lack of apostrophes - she's here, she's here...

What is it me, can you see my
thong?
Made me chuckle.

Apostrophe again - think I know who wrote this, won't spill it yet.
Let's do this I say.

'As he tokes from a bong' ?! Trying to figure out if that's just too silly/bizarre or a stroke of genius.

Well, it is Alice In Underland, or is that 'funderland'?

Anyway, moving along:

Question mark after 'Who goes there?'

Ha, throwing in a bit of Shakespeare now.
You really are not so fond of punctuation, are you?


'deceive, Is it my daughter I can...'
Full stop after 'deceive'.

Little bit of an anticlimax you've made that final line. Beef it up with them all saying that last line for the colourful visual that it should be (you've got me speaking in riddles now) - the Soldier, Tweedledum & Tweedledee, The Mad Hatter, & Cheshire Cat. And some other characters for visual effect maybe... There are many. Did Rick just mention a clever one?** Yep.

Finally, this second to last line I thought a little lacking: '
'Because now you’re queen, and this
land you can clean.'

'Clean'? Hmm, na.

'Because now we deem you Queen, and you will reign supreme, our dream!'

All of them get down on one knee.

We salute you, our red Queen!

Something like that. Just don't let it dwindle away to nothing at the end.

You did a great job I thought. How well it would actually translate to screen - (perhaps animation)  I don't know...unless you're in with Tim Burton.  

Oh, and it could do with a bit more of a second act, Queenie was a bit too easy to find & kill - T&T had no lines, (just spoken of), and more horror maybe.

Commendable effort. Well done.

** I'm not up with Alice, always found the story bizarre, but I know she has many fans.



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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting read and as the above posters have said its pretty much a poem. But the question is can it be filmed? IMO yes because its still a script despite being rhythmic , with action beats and dialogue and a plot.

Like the other shorts its hard to say the payoffs weak due to the short amount of time and space to make this story.

I'll give this a B


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leitskev
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 8:49am Report to Moderator
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Well, well, well.

I have not read any reviews yet, but I suspect the reviewers will slay,
however I'll add my penny, and bravo I say!

When I first began reading I almost stopped. The first sentence is horrible and sounds like English is the second language of the writer.. How can a room be caught in plight?

But, happily I did read on. And what you did here was very creative and should be applauded for an OWC. You will be shredded by the usual suspects, but take heart, you have an independent spirit which will enable you to stand tall.

Of course, rhyming in action lines is pretty much wasted in script. And yet it does showcase talent in a unique way, displays an original and daring voice,

And the story is not at all bad. For an OWC it's quite decent. Making Alice the queen's daughter who is unwittingly pulled into a conspiracy is a clever idea.

How bout the script long poem? Did the writer pull it off? Yeah, pretty much.

So I say bravo!

Oh, shes is she's. Not sure what the poetic demands would be that would require the punctuation to be dropped.

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leitskev  -  October 20th, 2016, 3:06pm
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RaphaelH
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:50am Report to Moderator
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I admire this script for its ambition. However, it's not that wise to do a screenplay entirely in rhyme. Though the reader will find this clever, most people don't read scripts. The main test is whether or not this can be turned into a film. Unfortunately, the story is simplistic and the rhyming is inconsistent. Moments where description and dialogue rhyme with each other will be lost on anyone watching the film without reading the script, and many of the rhymes are incredibly forced.

There are some clever touches, but this is a bit gimmicky...
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Equinox
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:09pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with most that has been said. I don't get why you put the rhymes into ACTION LINES. There's enough weird creatures/characteres in Alice in Wonderland which could have been used to speak those rhymes and it would have been much better. But in action lines, I think this makes no sense. In the film, we wouldn't get to see/hear any of those rhymes. And when characters finally begin to speak, they speak normally? Why?

Lots of potential here but the execution doesn't work at all.


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Nathan Hill
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:31pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyeed it for a few pages but the rhyming really became dragged on for me. I really couldn't keep up with it.

The story was good from what I read but I struggled to read this fully.
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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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I could appreciate the rhyme and think you could have all the rhyming - I'm talking about the action lines - said aloud on screen. You shouldn't loose it. So, I think in the rewrite you could have Narrator say all those lines. And explain the actions to the reader without the rhyming - just this and that - the Narrator is supposed to tell us what they do anyway.

The rhyming part works greatly for me. The story doesn't though - I mean Alice killing the Queen is nice. Mad Hatter and Cheshire Cat make her - that's great as well.
I think you could explain Mad Hatter's motivation. Why he wants the Queen killed? He says something about cleaning the area - I don't understand that.

Cheshire Cat - what's his purpose in here? You could do as well without him. I wish you keep him though, so I think you could come up with the reason to have him in.

And Alice agreed to the kill way too fast for me.

Really nice work though.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Good title.

Oh, that style is exhausting to follow, right away. The rhymes in action completely distract me from the plot that I should see. I try to ignore them but can't. You over-challenge ME here. I'm an ESL speaker probably part of the problem.

You spend a lot of work on it; I'm sure, though this isn't the right medium when it comes to the usage of rhymes in descriptions imo.

The curious thing is that all "legit" rhymes in the dialogues read and felt perfectly fitting while those in the action lines I had massive, massive problems with.



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JEStaats
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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Very interesting attempt but, as in previous comments, it would not film coherently. Perhaps, if the story was narrated and produced like an old Dr. Seuss animation, it may be successful.

Aside from a few writing and formatting slips, it was a very valiant attempt.
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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This was one of the more interesting attempts. Hats off to you writer, piecing it together with all of the rhymes must have taken a good bit of time, so as far as creativity goes you're up there.

However, the work itself is pretty simple, a slight twist at the end but it's just a little bit too straightforward for me. Also there's some typos hidden in there that need a bit of tidying, but they aren't so troublesome that they ruin the work.

To be honest, I really don't know what to go with here. It's not going to be a recommend, and the lack of substance has me leaning towards a pass, but just for the creativity and effort you've put in I'm tempted to go with a consider. Will have to come back to this at voting time.


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