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No time wasted at all to get right into the gore, I like it.
A bird lands near the wheelchair. Pecks the ground. Uproots a caterpillar. With the prize in its beak, it takes flight up into the towering trees overhead. From above we look down on the two kids alone in the forest.
I feel the bird will be better starting off the scene rather than ending it. The bird will take flight as mother dearest come into shot sort of thing. As is you go from a quiet forest scene to a hectic getaway, then back to the forest
Bertha cooks the skewered little toes over the fire like shish kabob.
Reminds me of the story behind Rammstein's Mein Teil....although a different body part was cut off in that one.
I too am not feeling that scene where Gretta chewed off her food, my thought was how she got through the bone? Perhaps you could let her find some sort of sharp object when she is confronted by the bear?
Not too bad of a story here, loved the gore and especially the mother getting what was coming to her, was hoping you'd tie this end up, good job
This didn't do much for me. Dialogue in particular needs work. They talk like grown adults. An eleven year old should not be referencing date rape. You need to find subtler ways to convey information and be on the lookout for unnecessary dialogue.
HENRY It’s my fault for my legs. This...chair
How is an eleven year old divining these motives?
You have two kids waking up in the middle of the woods. At least one should be scared, confused, unable to deal. Probably the younger one. He could be crying, asking why would mother leave us - Gretta glances at the wheelchair - she knows why, he doesn't - instead she changes the subject.
Point is, always be on the lookout for subtler ways to convey information and build tension. Uncertainty, doubt, fear, these are the emotions that should be running through this scene. Right know, you have two kids completely in control of their faculties and practically omniscient. That's not a recipe for tension.
As for the unnecessary dialogue:
GRETTA What’s wrong is we’re in the middle of the woods somewhere.
I'd find a different start. We already know they're in the middle of the woods. They wouldn't come out and explicitly state this.
GRETTA We need to get outta here.
Same thing here.
GRETTA Your trap nearly killed me and my brother. Just sayin’.
You're introducing a creepy, wild-haired woman with a shotgun - just have Gretta shrink back in fear instead of stating the obvious. Sometimes no dialogue speaks volumes.
Besides what's been stated above, there's not much I can add. You do have a lot of coma issues, and you could tighten up the dialogue. The characters stating the obvious and being genre-savvy/sarcastic gave off Scream vibes; a great film, but being lost in the woods needed more tension and uncertainty.
I LOVED the opening scene with the blonde on the table being hacked up; you went straight into the horror without missing a beat. Wish it had carried over into the next scene.
Story-wise, you're fine. Just need to tighten up the screws.
RE: Dialogue, try this experiment (which I've never done myself):
Do the whole thing without dialogue and see where/if dialogue fits, and try to come up with the best lines. Subtext goes a long way.
RE: Dialogue, try this experiment (which I've never done myself): Do the whole thing without dialogue and see where/if dialogue fits, and try to come up with the best lines. Subtext goes a long way.
Chris -- I have not read this script yet (nor is it mine!), but I read your suggestion and wanted to respond: This is excellent advice. I tried it myself, in my very first script, and the exercise taught me a lot. That is, how much of the story can I show without anyone speaking.
I like the revenge ending, but other than that this wasn't my cup of tea. That's not to say that this wasn't good, because it was - nicely done, intriguing story and gore - lots of gore - too much gore for me and I can handle a lot. So I guess it's just personal opinion, but this made me feel a little sick.
I guess I was also trying to picture Henry and Gretta as 11 and 14, which IMO didn't work - I have both 12yr old and 14yr old and they would be shittin themselves, trust me. With the dialogue you gave them they would have suited being older more mature teens and the gore would have worked better.
Gretta also needed a little more time & button pushing before she decided to gnaw at her own leg - I think it was a good choice and good set up for it with the coyote, but I don't think she would have instantly done it. I know there were page constraints, but you had a couple left to play with. Also, I don't think Gretta would be able to gnaw at it without letting out a few screams - seemed too easy for her.
There is some good writing on display here, but definitely needs a few tweaks.
Couldn't really get into this one. The two kids don't act like kids and the dialogue overall is pretty weak. Having said that, the full on action and nice gore were plus points, and the ending was pretty good.
Definitely needs a polishing, but there's something here.
My last read, and you know what that means, right? Detailed review, baby...detailed review!
Here we go...
OK, so we're fading in on a table without a Slug...let's see if it works...
A big old juicy aside to start things off...uh oh...I'm worried...
"A naked BLOND" - Blond refers to a male, while blonde refers to a female. But you say this is a female, so I'll go with that visual, thank you.
The FADE OUT you have chosen just shows how heavily you're trying to direct this and it's not a good idea, nor does this FADE OUT read well.
"Sound" - should be "Sounds", as there are obviously more than a single sound.
Damn...Mother was pretty damn young when she popped these 2 kids out, huh? And WTF are they doing in the woods with a wheelchair bound kid?
So, once again, you go with a very detailed (and expensive) shot that you are directing. It would look great, but remember, this is a short and I highly doubt you're going to get an aerial view like this in a forest.
Page 2 - "SAME TIME" - CONTINUOUS
"The trees and sky swirl like cream in latte. Henry blinks his eyes bringing things into focus." - Interesting description, but understand this is 2 completely different shots, so should be 2 completely different passages as well.
The kids' dialogue does not sound remotely realistic.
If the mother could push the wheelchair with both kids on it into these woods, they can't be far away, but yes, I know...this is a retelling of a fairy tale. Ill try and buy in.
Oh boy...first their mother drugs them and wheels them into the woods and leaves them, then they fall into some sort of handmade pit, and then, a bear is waiting fro them when they climb out! These 2 kids are having a lousy day.
Damn...what kind of gun is Bertha firing? A single shot and the bear is dead?
"BERTHA, haggard of a woman, ageless under unkempt frazzled hair, stomps over shotgun by her side." - awkwardly written. Missing a comma between "shotgun" and "by".
Page 5 - The writing seems to be changing a bit, not for the better, but the dialogue continues to be very poor and unrealistic.
"The toes did belong to Henry who’s bound on the same table the Blond was on earlier." - Very awkwardly phrased.
Page 6 - Henry's last dialogue on the page pretty much sums up the problem with your dialogue - it's redorkulous! Really? The kid just had most of his toes cut off and this is what he says?
Page 7 - Gretta would have one Hell of a time chewing through her ankle.
Page 8 - "EXT./INT. DOOR" - Really? We're inside and outside the door? Think about this..does it make any sense? Actually, it's Hallway or the like. You can't be inside the actual door.
I don't buy any of this, but appreciate the gore and attempt at horror. There's just nothing new here, nothing believable, and because of that, it does very little for me, sorry to say.
Challenge parameters - C
Script/Story/Execution - C-
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
A pet hate of mine is when we have an exciting opening scene which is done purely to grab the attention of the audience. This happens a lot in TV programs and even some feature films, quite often they are followed by a SUPER like "THREE DAYS EARLIER" - which does my head in!
I'm sure this is a direct result of script readers throwing scripts into the bin if the opening few pages doesn't grip them.
Anyway, I digress with my ranting.
Although the opening scene is gory and tense, it didn't continue and didn't add anything to the story. In fact it kind of spoiled it as you knew what fate the children were heading towards.
I think the old saying, 'start late' should have applied here. If this started with the kids waking up in the forest, it would have created a sense of tension and mystery for the kids (and therefore the audience) to unravel.
As others have mentioned the way the kids talked didn't seem like kids and I didn't buy the girl chewing her own foot off. I couldn't even work out how she could reach it!
Some good gore and action but this wasn't for me, a pass.
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I really ain't a fan of gore and slasher scripts, but for the sake of the challenge I tried to push my preferences to one side. I really tried, but that was waaaaay too much, it felt like it was being brutal just for brutality's sake.
I did kinda like the kids characters, they seemed genuine and a slight antidote to all of the other bits.
Maybe the gore and shock was the point, but as a central theme it just wasn't for me.