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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  The Angel - OWC
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  Author    The Angel - OWC  (currently 1683 views)
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:24pm Report to Moderator

So, what are you writing?

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The Angel by Yishai

A young boy must face the reality of his situation, he's dead. Now he has one task before he moves on, bring an Angel a flower. If he fails, he falls into the void and becomes part of the bone pile.

Short Supernatural Horror based on The Angel

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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 5:27am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Sydney, Australia
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I have no idea what I just read. Sorry but that didn't make any sence to me at all. I read the source material and I'm still lost.

There are a lot of errors, I'm guessing because English is not your first language.

I'm not sure what part was meant to be horrific either.

It's a pass from me.

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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 8:01am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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This starts out with grammar problems and/or typos. Spacing all off. No fade in.

The beginning drags very slow for me but I'm glad I read it all the way through because the end or near the end was my favorite part of this script. It is very unclear until the flashback.

I was happy when he told the Angle to shut up was sick of hearing walk or fall

Good job.
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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 1:45pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator

Cast Your Fate To The Wind

Upstate NY
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Like the fairy tale this is based on, but your story is kinda all over the place for me. I'm gonna go with this mindset while reading these, and that it should be a cohesive story. That's not to say yours had no action or horror elements. It did, and I think it's written well and paced nicely towards the end. I just didn't know what the heck was going on and why.

Overall, good writing but not clear.


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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

London, Ontario
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Quoted Text
He bypasses the Angel.
The Angel shrinks in the distance.

Both sort of mean the same thing....he passes the Angel.

Like others I'm a bit lost as to what exactly is going on in this story, I think a bit more insight into what happened between Mario, Ravi, and the little 30 year old girl , but I stuck it out to the end though, which I enjoyed. So what is Mario doing now? Does he have to collect one or more flowers in order to follow the Angel into heaven?

Also, why did the Angel keep saying walk or fall to Mario? Seemed like there was only one outcome the Angel was going to allow, so why not just tell him to get the damn thing? Maybe I missed something.
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Posted: October 16th, 2016, 2:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients

Yes, that is my real hair...

Cave Creek, AZ
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Your title is not remotely centered and this ain't a good start.

Wo...WTF?  No clue what's going on and the writing ain't good at all, sorry to say.  Lots of little errors that are making this really tough to understadn and continue on.  Incorrect verb tenses...really?

I really hate to do this, but I'm out on Page 3, as I'm completely clueless what's going on and why.

Seems like you tried to take the fairy tale and literally turn it into a script, which doesn't work here at all.  Your descriptive writing and scene setting needs alot of work.

No way does this work at all for me.

No grade

To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Posted: October 17th, 2016, 4:45am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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This one is littered with typos and errors, I'm guessing a newbie and maybe?

One of the descrips says they're in a hallway, but it also has streetlights. is that right/what you meant?

Ending confused me, why was he selected to take over and why is poor Judith dragged into it?

This is all a little muddled but I more or less followed it, I'm just not sure it's my sort of thing, feels a little preachy.

Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
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Posted: October 17th, 2016, 9:01am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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vaguely familiar with this story.  let's see how it goes...

So far, the writing is... not so good.  i appreciate the fact these lines are short though.

not really setting a good scene so far.  i'm already a little confused on page 3.

the word "fucking" hit like a brick.  can't imagine that needs to be here.

This one isn't working for me.  I'm getting frustrated just reading it.  I didn't want to bail on any, but I'm breaking my rule.  Sorry.

I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††

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Posted: October 17th, 2016, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
Been around a while

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I read this twice, and still wasn't sure what had happened.  Like everyone has said, there are some spelling errors throughout.  

I was getting tired of the "walk or fall" line.  It was very repetitive.  

The story itself could be alright, but I think you really need to flush it out and really work on making it clearer.  I'm fine with trying to figure something out on my own, I don't necessarily have to have all the answers handed to me.  But I couldn't for the life of me figure out what was happening, or even why it was happening.  I'm sure that it probably makes sense to you, but if it doesn't make sense to anyone else you're not going to get far with it.  

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Posted: October 18th, 2016, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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Awesome logline,
but a boring, interchangeable title choice, plus untidy cover page.

Visually strong opening. I read such hell descriptions quite often and yours do work properly, fine.

There's a passage between 3 and 4 where you miss to keep the tension by staying in redundant dialogues and repeat the situation too often. It's a pity. Though you repaired that soon after.

P5 wait, did he shot himself in the head? The pronoun indicates that. It's unclear. I stopped over and over there.

All right. This is very ambitious because it's a complicated story, with a complicated structure.

You partly almost lost me, although I think I understood your story of an open gateway to the underworld and back.

The story is just cool, dialogue was also an ambitious choice, to go modern within such a fundamentally transcendental atmosphere.

Don't get me wrong: The story is not clean and the plot rumbles and stumbles forward in my sight. No problems with that because

in one week I shouldn't and won't hold that against you at all. Especially the visually construction is such a hard confrontation you tackle yourself and then send us in. Keep that. Keep ambition above security. Good script, good Job.

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c m hall
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 1:41am Report to Moderator
Been around a while

peninsula of Jersey
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"The Angel leans down.  His face was shaped like the blade of an axe and his eyes rounded the corners - all seven of them."  
    from "The Angel" OWC

The wording of this screenplay is bewildering, suggesting an unfinished edit or a translation...

This work has charm.  It makes good use of the source material, shadows it, somewhat.  Sets a scene between life and death so skillfully that one goes along for the journey.

I look forward to reading a revision of this "Angel" and expect it to be wonderful.
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 3:39pm Report to Moderator

23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...

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I'm guessing a newbie so I'll be nice.

It was pretty hard to follow what was going on here, and for me the characters were lost in what was an exceptionally confusing script. There were some serious formatting issues and typos, plus the pacing wasn't great.

I'm afraid was a pass for me.

Stuff I've done:
The Dollop Podcast - Voyage Of The HMS Beagle
Devolution of the Species Podcast
Ian's Gone Postal
Really Important Person Book Club Podcast
Rebecca Wong Is Not Happy
Algorithms For Loss
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer

Part time writer

The Island of Jersey
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Ok, I didn't follow it all. Especially at the end. And it has a lot of issues (gosh I sound like Jeff )but...

...I rather liked that.

The difference to other scripts, in my opinion,  is that I was interested. It also felt different to the others and after 30 scripts that helps.

Haven't a clue what that that was based on, must check - just done - and see you followed the basics well.

Still not there, but an interesting effort for the week.

My scripts †HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
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Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link...
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Posted: October 21st, 2016, 1:54am Report to Moderator

All you need to make a movie is a girl and a gun

Tokyo, Japan
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Great attempt, but it fell flat for me. I liked the description of the angel, but unfortunately none of the other characters got a description.

Liked the ending where Mario became death, I'm not familiar with the source material, but that's what I got from it.

Had a lot of grammatical errors throughout was hard to read, I'm not sure if this was your first script or ESL. But stick it out, if screenwriting is something you really enjoy, you can only get better with time, and patience.

Good luck and I hope to read a revised version, you got a lot of pointers from the other posters now make it happen 👍🏾
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Posted: October 21st, 2016, 10:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer

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The writing suggests someone fairly new to this game so Iíll bypass all the usual comments and just suggest you read a lot of scripts and a good screenwriting guide.

The story is very visual and hints at a moody, strange yet atmospheric trip through purgatory. Unfortunately, it just comes across as weird and is difficult to follow. I very quickly lost track of what was going on.
So it is a pass from me but well done on entering the owc and I hope you get a lot out of it.


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