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Margaret and Charles - WT (currently 1463 views) |
Don |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 11:35am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16438 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Margaret and Charles by 0 - Short, Drama - Two hitchhikers find they must be made for each other. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
| Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.
------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 1:37pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
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Reply: 1 - 19 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:36pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
I didn't really see the story in this, maybe it needed more pages to set it up. |
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Reply: 2 - 19 |
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Zombie Sean |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:40pm |
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Old Timer
LocationColorado Posts1547 Posts Per Day 0.23 |
For one page, I liked it. I want to see more if you decide to expand on this. |
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Reply: 3 - 19 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 2:55pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Not really much to the story. I guess I wanted to know what they're fighting out. Or maybe that's the point, they're stuck together no matter what. Just wasn't for me, but maybe an issue of one page constraint. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 4 - 19 |
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khamanna |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:22pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hmm. I got it straight away. He wants to take his time, goes peeing, not in a hurry at all. She wants to get into a car as soon as possible. She's angry, relies on her top to get picked up. And the rest is pretty obvious.
Not fighting anyone's opinion, it just makes me sad to see people some didn't get it. |
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Reply: 5 - 19 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 3:52pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
It was an okay story for me. Not too much meat on the bone, so to speak. But for one page, it was fine.
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 6 - 19 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 4:20pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Not much here, for me. I think it wants to go somewhere but it just stalled out. Good effort. |
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Reply: 7 - 19 |
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ScottM |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:26pm |
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Posts49 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
I agree that there really isn’t a story here.
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Reply: 8 - 19 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: April 2nd, 2018, 8:53pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Not the best of the bunch for me - written solidly enough - just expecting more of an ooomph with the ending |
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Reply: 9 - 19 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 1:46pm |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
My impression is that this young girl is fed up with Charles (for one reason or another) while hitchiking to "somewheres." She sets off on her own -- only to find herself right back with Charles. Life's like that sometimes, right? That's my take anyway. Everywhere you go, there you are. In her case, Charles, too. |
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Reply: 10 - 19 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 4:39pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Margaret and Charles
I liked it. It's a coherent piece, well balanced, good structure, irony. Not much missing here. 4 |
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Reply: 11 - 19 |
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RJP |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:50pm |
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Posts69 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
The underlying message or theme is a little muddy for me. Maybe that's not a bad thing...
She thinks she's got it bad, but she gets picked up by a man that's even worse than the man she's running from...then after bailing, she gets picked up by a cop who also grabbed her partner? He grins like "you can't escape that easily", but shouldn't she almost appreciate him more?
Or maybe the message is that she just can't escape bad men. ha ha, yeah I like that.
Good work. |
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Reply: 12 - 19 |
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Warren |
Posted: April 3rd, 2018, 11:55pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
I don’t quite understand the stakes in this one. Is hitchhiking illegal?
I've spent a fair bit of time with my thumb out over the years and never had any issues.
This is one of the less exciting ones I’ve read. |
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Reply: 13 - 19 |
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LC |
Posted: April 4th, 2018, 8:13am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7630 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hmm, this didn't quite go where I thought it was headed.
You're onto something here but the drama petered out.
I imagined a thriller/'escape by the skin of your teeth' story but it didn't eventuate.
Ditch Howie, ditch the cop. Have Charles do something smart to save Margaret falling into Felix's clutches. Or maybe have Margaret save Felix, just for something different.
P.S. You need a stronger verb here imho: the Audi pulls over.
I visualise Margaret doing something physical to curtail Felix's advances so I think you need something like: The Audi's brakes slam on, it swerves across two lanes, screeches to a halt.
P.P.S. Title needs a rethink too, don't you reckon? A bit bland and gives your audience no clue. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - April 4th, 2018, 8:23am | | |
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Reply: 14 - 19 |
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