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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2018 One Week Challenge  ›  The 13th Leeds - OWC Moderators: Administrator
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  Author    The 13th Leeds - OWC  (currently 519 views)
Don
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The 13th Leeds by Dee C. Marvel - Short, Horror - There's always a catch when you deal with the Devil. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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This was OK. It felt something more like a prologue or an opening Scene to something than an actual story.
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JEStaats
Posted: October 20th, 2018, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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Some decent imagery here. An artist could have fun with this one.

Very sparse with the dialog. Leaves a lot of room for the reader's interpretation. I mean, what were they expecting? No intro for the midwife, either. I see a little Hellboy loose at the end.

Good effort.
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Warren
Posted: October 21st, 2018, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Good job with the conversion to comic format. I do personally think a screenplay reads a lot cleaner and your point could just as easily be conveyed. But this is for a comic so it’s completely understandable.

It’s not the most visually appealing short I've read in the challenge, but it was still enjoyable. I'm not entirely sure this sits in the PG classification.

All the best.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:42am Report to Moderator
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Not really PG. The comic format made it harder to read than it should have. There's a City called Leeds (in the UK) so I was thrown for a bit thinking this was going to be about a place.

But it was a good job, I like how you tied it into the legend of the Jersey Devil. Nice effort.


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LC
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 3:57am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, at first I thought someone has been watching Apostle.

It's not bad. It did feel it was a little incomplete story wise.

I'm undecided as to whether the Panel format detracted or enhanced. The explanation point above Jane to emphasize her pregnant belly seemed a bit hokey to me, and the name of the farmer is Titan?

I think tales like this (no pun intended with the devil's tail) need to finish on a twist, a shock, or a moral. The shock with yours came mid-way and it finishes on myth/legend, and superstition imho.

Ooh, I forgot to ask: Why the 'obscene' kiss?



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LC  -  October 22nd, 2018, 5:13am
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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Well, that was different...and ambitious!  I like ambition, and I I actually like this...for what it is.

IMO, you missed the mark of PG, but not really by much, so no called foul, no penalty.

Not sure hwy a farmer in the 1700's would have a first name like "Titan" - that just seems off to me.

I don't like how you have a fake author name on the opening page at all - terrible way to start.

It's a tough read because most are not familiar with formatting like this, but for me, it actually works.

Impossible to really care about any of the characters, because they come off as props and the very limited dialogue doesn't help....but then again, based on the challenge, I don't see this as an issue, actually.

I appreciate the wrap up at the very end...very well thought out...and executed.

I will remember this one and that's always a good thing.  Good effort here and ballsy way to go.

Grade - ****


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stevemiles
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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I know nothing about comic book format, so I’m going to assume this is how it’s done.  

Great setting for the challenge.  Titan Leeds - I like the name.

‘Planted the 13th’ - took me a while to figure that one out.  I thought it was a reference to the date.  The 13th 'seed' perhaps?

I do like how you tied this to the Jersey Devil.  This works well for the challenge and feels more rounded than most I’ve read so far.  The visual shift in the period would make a good end note.

Would have liked a nod as to the ‘why’ (unless I missed something?)  Why are they invoking satan?  What’s in it for them?  What is this deal they’ve made?  Is it for a good harvest?  Lots of children etc?  Could have been something more there - perhaps more of an irony to end on.

So far a solid entry, a contender for sure.  Good work - interested to find out the writer.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 22nd, 2018, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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A few years ago TV Shows were all written in CAPS and then they decided it's not easy on the eye so they changed it to screenplay style.

I know you're going for the lavish comic panel but makes it a little more of a challenge.
TITAN HOLDS THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF THE
BILLY GOAT BY THE HORNS OVER HIS HEAD...   a little much for PG

The comic book style  took it away for me... maybe leave that to the comic book guys?
You had the bare bones of a good story and linked it to the Jersey Devil. Obviously you're a talented writer but it seems you're trying to hard to tell HyperEpics their job instead of being a storyteller which is your job.

Good job on entering


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Spqr
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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It was interesting to read a story done in the appropriate format. It was a good origins story of the Jersey Devil. The problem is there’s nothing particularly scary in it, because the only thing that happens is a birth, albeit of a devil. Making the family sympathetic, fighting to survive in a land of intolerant “good” people, might be the way to go if a rewrite is considered.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
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That was a tough read - format was heavy for me

To be honest I didn’t really get why they did this

A bit linear for me - ie a story was told, and it ended. Not much else.

Not for me.


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coldsnap
Posted: October 23rd, 2018, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
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Clever pseudonym The name and the formatting tells me you're a comic book fan (I hope), and nothing wrong with that. So am I! It's nice to finally see a comic book script on this site. I toyed with the idea myself from time to time, but ultimately went with the standard script format, for the same reason others mentioned - kind of jarring and hard to follow. Maybe if you had used regular case instead of all caps for the panel descriptions, and centered the character names and dialog like a regular script? It's well written tho, and a fun tale, sort of the "origin story" of a villain (very comic book themed). Cheers


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Dustin
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 1:41am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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I found this difficult to read and a chore to get through. The story is not for me either. Perhaps due to the format. IMO, you should leave the comic-book creation to the guys that know what they're doing.
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khamanna
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 8:25am Report to Moderator
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Nice story.

Written this way - it's not comparing apples to apples though for some reason.

I'd say you need to show them kneel before a picture of Satan or something. Otherwise we learn that they are satanists from the Caption and small things - like goat lapels, him holding a head of a goat. Is that even satanists? Or maybe I missed something - I'm not used to this format, it doesn't read smoothly for me, like a story would.

And Leeds is their name! Mother Leed. Leed or Leeds? I think you have Leed at places there if I'm not mistaken.

Edit: Yeah, panel 2 - they dance around the goat.
And it's Leeds throughout, I think.

What happened to the kids? Maybe missed something again.

Just reinforces my thinking it should have been written in a normal screenplay format. Or maybe not. But I'd prefer to read a story, not panels. And look at panels. Panels - to look at. Screenplays - to read. Movies - to watch. ))

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khamanna  -  October 24th, 2018, 9:07am
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jayrex
Posted: October 24th, 2018, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I thought this was a hard read.  It's this comic style format.  The story wasn't for me too.  Just felt over the top.  Might look good as comic though.

All the best.


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