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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  OMG! Leo's Got Leukemia! - OWC
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  Author    OMG! Leo's Got Leukemia! - OWC  (currently 546 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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OMG! Leo's Got Leukemia! by Jheri Curl Gyro - Short, RomCom - When an agoraphobiac's internet boyfriend gets Leukemia, she must face her biggest fear if she wants to meet him before he dies.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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CameronD
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Omg this title. Sounds like a bad Japanese anime. Here we go.

Lose the ing verbs. Waits instead of waiting. Eats instead of eating.

"RU here?" as dialogue? Text speak? Seriously? Either this is a first draft or writer is not a native English speaker. Some formatting issues with the inserts of the phone's clock and Skype screens.

This did not flow. Way too much talking. Never really got my interest. We could see she was getting catfished the entire way so no surprises. Only funny vaguely funny parts are with Chang.

Eh.  


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Well the Title got my attention the story on the other hand didn't work for me.

She meets her unseen love on a hospital bed.  A big fat already married man, then runs out the door and gives blood to save his life .  Romantic ???
I guess it had a nice predictable ending.

Didn't really laugh at anything

sorry

Although good job on entering.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Romantic comedies split a room, and to be honest are a very hard thing to do when one looks to absolutely nail the formula and balance required (damn that Richard Curtis). Any time I've been to the cinema to see one it's been on a date and the comedy better hold up as the romance is generally cheesy, suggestive nonsense you can't live up to. So, for me anyway, I'm really looking for the comedic elements to help me through this mountain of wonderful pieces of literary magic, and I'm sorry to say I just didn't really find it funny.

The more of these I read the more I realise that a lot of people run the risk of a drama rather than a romcom, and I think this falls into the former category. Dramas generally have a few comedic bits in them, as does this, so that's what I'm basing this judgement on. It's got the essential criteria regarding flowers etc, but it just ain't that funny.

Good effort on entering, interesting little story and I'm sure others will love it, but it just didn't work for myself on a romcom level.

Cam


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...

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Cam Gray  -  February 2nd, 2019, 4:48pm
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Warren
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Damn that ending is sickly sweet. Just laid it on a bit too thick for me.

The tone of this is all over the place.

I think it's a pretty good concept and with a bit of tweaking could make a nice little story, but as it stands this one wasn't really for me.

All the best.


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Warren  -  February 4th, 2019, 10:24pm
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Okay - lose Leo and you might have a decent Rom-Com here. Clove ordering Chinese Food to seduce Chang would be enough.

OTHERWISE - You have this huge logic issue.

Why would anyone donate blood/marrow to a person they just found out has been deceiving them for a long time???

PS - I did laugh several times - so there is that


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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:11pm Report to Moderator
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Good-natured, with a twist (Chang turns out to be her romantic guy all along). Some style points and problems (I'm a former proofreader and copy editor, so pardon me):

* It's "lo mein," NOT "low mein." I saw that throughout the script...and I love Chinese food.

* Put a space between the word and the parentheses -- in other words, no CHANG(30s). You did that at least twice.

* The description of Clove's sexuality is well-done (intriguing and unusual name for a female character, BTW).

* She'd ride shotgun like a statue (not a "statute") in the car, no matter how agoraphobic she is!

* When Clove undergoes the marrow extraction, she should tell the nurse it's worth it. That emotion isn't emphasized at all.

All in all, decent for a short script, though it needs work.
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:39pm Report to Moderator
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LOVE the image of the red rose petals raining down like weightless snowflakes! Good start!

Maybe use real dialogue instead of RU since it's not text?

I don't think Jack should be married too. That just makes him bad. Stick with his other issues, because we can sympathize with that. Being married? Not so much.

Okay. Finished.

I loved the words this writer used. Easy read that appealed to me.

Story wise, it has some issues, but that can easily be fixed, I think.

It seems to me Clove just donates blood marrow and then she's on her way even after she was told it is a quite painful procedure.

I guess her internet love was not what she imagine when she met him in real life. That's something that could've been explored more, I think.

The roses were there and so were the chocolates and the color red. In fact I LOVED hoe you chose to use them. Much different than the cliche'd ways we often see. Great job on that.

It was funny too. I guess I just felt a little let down by Leo/Jack. Big serious thing that ended up being dismissed.

Great writing!  


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StevenClark
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I like this story. I mean, it has its issues and could have been written a whole lot better than it is. But, I like it. It has potential. It was sweet, Leo/Jack was funny with his matter of fact reveal ó that was good dialogue there. If you are relatively new to writing then the writing itself is understandable. And although itís not quite ready yet, this is something I would definitely work on some more.

Good job!

Steve


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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
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Aww, this is really lovely.

I love how you used the roses, choc, and red.

A proper story here - beginning, middle, end, characters that jumped off the page, nice visuals.
I really balked at her donating her bone marrow and was almost ready to throw the towel in then (stretching credibility) but you bought it back with the last line - they save each other.

Please fix the 'low mein' to 'lo mein' - that really threw me
And please take out that Jack/Leo is married. 'fat and sick' is enough he doesn't need to be a 'bad' guy.

Not fond of the title, at all. Each to their own.

Loved Chang and Clove. Good job on the broken English in dialogue.

Suggestion:
If you're going to write an aside like this:

Maybe sheís
never walked in red stilettos.


Why not write it as: 'wobbly on her feet, obvious she's never walked in stilettos'

I really enjoyed this!
Amusing, romantic, no-one's head getting cut off, no dildos or swearing - just clever funny stuff.
Thank you, Writer.



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LC  -  February 4th, 2019, 10:23pm
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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:13pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from Warren
...I think it's a pretty good concept and with a bit of tweeting could make a nice little story, but...All the best.

Sorry Warren, I couldn't resist!
I am so sick of my tablet autocorrect-ing to daft stuff I keep having to correct it and watch it like a hawke.

A little tweeting is a good promotional tool, so I hear.  


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Warren
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Sorry Warren, I couldn't resist!
I am so sick of my tablet autocorrect-ing to daft stuff I keep having to correct it and watch it like a hawke.

A little tweeting is a good promotional tool, so I hear.  



Thanks Libby. Do you just follow me around correcting my English or is this a service you provide to everyone? :p

I donít even have twitter so I'm surprised that's even in my vocabulary.




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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Quoted from Warren
Thanks Libby. Do you just follow me around correcting my English or is this a service you provide to everyone? :p

No! Believe me. I just thought it was funny.  
I admit to being a grammar pedant though. Stuff just pops out at me. I'll do my best to resist from now on.


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Warren
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

No! Believe me. I just thought it was funny.  
I admit to being a grammar pedant though. Stuff just pops out at me. I'll do my best to resist from now on.


I was only messing around. I prefer to know and always go back and fix it up. But thanks for quoting it, now itís there forever haha

Okay, going to stop hijacking the thread now.




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hawkeye
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Welp, the title sucked me in.  I thought it was going to be some teen crush on a dying Leo DiCaprio, but instead it's a thirty year old with a crush on a fat married dude she's never met.

So my problems with this, and it's mainly logic oriented, is that (1) she has no reaction (that we are told of in the script) to seeing that Leo is this fat, bald, liar, (2) even though she's been lied to, she going to go through a massively painful bone marrow procedure to help this loser out, and (3) someone that hasn't been outside in like 12 years suddenly overcomes her agoraphobia by putting on blinders.  

I would have preferred she leave in a huff and depressed after finally meeting Leo, and then Chang saves the day by taking her the chocolates  (and maybe something other than Chinese food).  The other thing that bothered me was that writing dialogue for someone with broken English almost comes across as racist.  It didn't come off as funny.  Why not just make him speak normal English?  It wouldn't have changed anything in the story.

Beyond that, the writing itself was fairly good and the story, which could be better without the logic issues, isn't bad.

Just my two cents.
Best,
Gary


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