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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  True Love - OWC
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  Author    True Love - OWC  (currently 410 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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True Love by Name Redacted IV - Short, RomCom - A fed-up Wife takes her ambitious Husband to marriage counseling after a string of over the top Christmas gifts. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:12am Report to Moderator
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Hay thare Name Redacted IV,

So, positives...it's very well written and it comes with flourishes too!! Lovely little witicisms and it's quite charming in spots.

My main issue is that once I figured out where it was going, well, it went there and kept listing...I know that's the whole premise, I get it, but it's just loads of text that tbh didn't really add that much for me. I mean its soooo packed that you pretty much used all of the 10 pages, and then shoved in some dual dialogue for no other reason than to fit it in the page count as they didn't really function properly (my assumption). Also, the chocolates and Rose's kinda got lost in it all and were mentioned but not really utilised to their full potential.

I kinda liked it, it was charming and quirky, but it did become a slight slog after a while.

Cam


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:31pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one all the way through. You took a premise and followed through with it about as well as could be expected for 10 pages. A few errors aside, it was clean and had a legitimately funny line. Good stuff.


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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, horses for courses I guess...

I loved the opening and thought I'd already guessed the writer. Now, I'm not so sure.

I loved the 'someone's overcompensating' line, made me chuckle, but then it took a dive once we got into the counselling.

I found it tedious, sorry, and unbelievable, and boy, what a budget you'd need for this one.

I'm sorry, I know I sound like a broken record but please learn this:

lie v lay
https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie

And it's not Atilla  
Hon, (as in honey) not hun.

Okay, off my soapbox now.

You have a good premise with the couple ending up convincing the counselor (U.S. spelling,)that they' belong together.



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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:04am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Strong dialogue and excellent writing, you've got skill.

The story got too much after awhile, it was the same beat over and over. Obviously that's your story, but by mid way it didn't feel like it was going to bring anything fresh and I don't think it did, clearly they were going to figure it out, clearly you were going to finish off the song.

I did find Gretchen's acceptance and her ability to see the humour in the situation didn't feel earned, but more like a convenient plot point, a needed one, but I hope you understand what I mean.

Up there with the better entries.

All the best.


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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
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Well written - crisp, clean and efficient for the most part.

A couple of lines gave me a smile which is a good thing.

I personally had an issue is the theme is pretty duplicate of something I saw in a sitcom so I knew where it was going off the bat.

It got a bit tedious - really the same humor beat over and over.

Overall though, a solid effort.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 1:52pm Report to Moderator
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Lay/lie - learn the difference.

Well, it's well written, that's for sure, and much appreciated.

But there are major problems here.

This thing just keeps gong and going and really becomes a chore, because we know exactly what's coming next.  Sure, there's some humor in the setup, but it's all 100% told in dialogue, while 2 peeps sit in a Shrink's office.  10 minutes of this!  Not a single interesting visual.

I don't even see that this is a ROMCOM...maybe, but not really, in my book.

Visuals are key...they always are adn always will be.  Keep this in mind when writing your next script.  We need to see things...entertaining things, funny things, scary things, sick things, whatever. Something!

Not for me, but well written.

**


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CameronD
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 9:53am Report to Moderator
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It's a pet peeve of mine, but in 95% of scripts, the clothes characters wear doesn't equal characterization. So what if Gretchen wears a white blouse? What if it was green? Blue? A dress instead? It tells the reader nothing about them. Instead, tell me how they walk. What emotional state are they in? If clothes really mean that much to her then have her snipe another woman for wearing something tacky. Make sense? Ok, rant over.

Lots of ing verbs.

Twelve not 12 when in dialogue.

Why is the TABLET in caps? Only cap objects that are critical to the story. Otherwise everything would be capped if not. The SEAT. Opens the DOOR. takes a sip of WATER.

Pg. 2 and I'm still not engaged with the story. Little things like the mistakes above take me out of the read. They do matter.

Skimming now. Its the 12 days of Christmas played out in a therapist office. And that's about it. No real story here. The fighting couple should have lots of conflict, but this is all improperly formatted flashbacks and not much else. Some of these situations may look funny on screen but the script itself isn't.

It's a nice idea, but without a story that's kinda all it is.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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It's an interesting concept playing out the 12 days of Christmas at a shrink's office but basically that was it.

It had it's charms and few good lines and was well written for sure.

Overall a pretty solid effort.

Good job on entering


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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You rounded this out nicely at the end with Dr. Friedman hating her gift.

The writing was mostly well done.

I did notice this:

You introduce the couple as fit and then a few lines down call them ragged and sleep deprived
I tended to lose patience towards the end. Like it was just repeating itself.

The title isn't indicative of the story; so it's not memorable that way, but just reading True Love. I'm remembering it as the bird story.

Good job on entering.  

Sandra



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

A couple of people have pointed out the lay/lie thing - I have a question - In this script there are two instances of lay instead of lie - one in dialogue, one in action - the one in action is wrong. Is the one is dialogue OK? Because people do say the wrong words, the amount of people I know that say "should of" or mix up affect/effect - anyway, I'll get back to the story.

PRE-LAP - I haven't come across this before (granted, I haven't read a lot of scripts in the grand scheme of things) so I had to look it up - I think this may be by an experienced writer.

Page 2 - Gretchen's line - would she really think it was Santa?

You have built the relationship between the two well, I feel like I know the dynamics of their relationship earlier on. I also have a sense of what is going to happen, he gets her all the 12 days of Christmas gifts - lets see what happens on top of that.

I like Marc lol reminds me of me

I'm liking the visuals in this, I think this would go on screen very well, and be pretty funny.

Hold the phone - You flash back to scene's with the birds, but you don't flash back to the scenes with the other gifts, these could potentially be the funnier ones - Pipers piping loudly in her bedroom waking her up - come on!

I think this should end a bit earlier - she has a change of heart and everything is fine again, but the scene keeps going, for like another 2/3 minutes - Maybe trim some off the end?

I kept picturing the characters to be older, maybe it's the name Gretchen influencing me, but maybe it would play out sweeter if they were pensioners? My partner loves seeing pensioners in love, cries every time lol

I really like this, could have some great visuals, lots of humour and a dash of romance.

Very well done writer

Matt



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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad.  It's not exactly original, in that right off the bat I could probably name six movies regarding couples in a therapist office... but don't challenge me to that. Not as entertaining for me after the first couple of pages, it got bogged down in the therapist's office.   Even with the flashback.  The ending felt appropriate.  

Still a pretty good entry.  A couple of minor quibbles.   Kudos for finishing.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I appreciate the approach you took, but it gets tired after a while with the twelve days. The twelve days ó alone that could be very funny, but somehow it wasnít all it could have been. You did try, still it didnít resonate where it should have. Perhaps if this script had been more compact it might have forced you to give us more comedy, or at least certain instances where you could have chosen just one or two gifts and focused on making your humor stand out for just a couple of the days as opposed to all of the days. Anyway, it was original and a plus for that.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Matthew Taylor
A couple of people have pointed out the lay/lie thing - I have a question - In this script there are two instances of lay instead of lie - one in dialogue, one in action - the one in action is wrong. Is the one is dialogue OK? Because people do say the wrong words, the amount of people I know that say "should of" or mix up affect/effect.


Anything goes in dialogue.  In fact, although I know proper English, I rarely if ever use "lie" when saying something involving that verb.

Or, think about peeps from another country, or who have a different dialect. IMO, it's the right thing to do to write the dialogue the way it sounds.  It gives flavor to the characters, adds realism (assuming you're doing it justice).



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hawkeye
Posted: February 8th, 2019, 9:47am Report to Moderator
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Itís a well-written script that do a better job than most of incorporating the elements of the challenge. The only thing I didnít really feel was the romantic angle. Maybe a little at the end as they join forces against the marriage therapist, but itís not the type of rom you get in rom-coms.

I liked the twelve days theme, and this probably would do very well in a Christmas themed OWC. Might have just missed the mark on this theme.  Still, impressive writing by someone very confident in their stylings and a pleasure to read.  So good marks for the most part from me.

Best of luck,
Gary


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