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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Steal Your Heart - OWC
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  Author    Steal Your Heart - OWC  (currently 385 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Steal Your Heart by Gumphrey Hogart  - Short, RomCom - An obnoxious womanizer is struck by love at first sight and needs to stop his dream girl from getting away, but it's going to be hard to do when she's in the middle of robbing a bank. 8 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Freddie
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I really hated Harvey and his mean comments towards Janice. But that's a good thing, I was provoked into an emotional reaction - and thus was delighted when he got a rifle to the gut.

Also refreshing to see a little humour injected in to the action lines - 'popping chocolate candies like low-dose aspirin.' I know that some people can be incredibly rigid and uptight about what can and can't be included in action lines, but once you understand their function and limits, I think it's no harm to give them a little humour and make it easier on the eye.

It was a nice neat concept, all very well contained within the story with the resolution paying off the first two acts pretty well. If I had to be incredibly nit-picky, you could argue that Andrew was surplus to the narrative. Either he or Harvey could go. But, that's me really looking for a problem in an otherwise good script.

Good action sequences, nice individual character voices, nice symmetrical narrative, original romance.

Enjoyable.

Good stuff!

Freddie
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Freddie
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Oh - one more thing I should probably add. I wasn't a huge fan of the 'long and hard' comment. I know you've outlined him in the logline as a womanizer, but he is still the protagonist. Those kinds of comments make the reader start to surrender sympathy for the character they're supposed to be empathizing with the most.

That one line could be changed easily. In fact, he really doesn't have to be a womanizer at all for this story to work. It makes it difficult to connect with him, and makes me a little queasy.

Still a solid narrative.
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henb
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:22pm Report to Moderator
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This OWC had some good characters and dialogue. Although, I found the ending conversation between Chris, Andrew, and Harvey confusing.

pg. 7 - I’m confused as to why Andrew and Harvey sound like they weren’t actually hostages earlier. But it turns out they were?
pg. 7 - “how he met Pat--“ I’m not sure what Harvey was going to say.
pg. 8 - Top line of dialogue is missing the character's name.

I think the setting and story has potential to be made into a feature-length rom/com. There was some sexual tension, and some dirty talk from Chris. Also, some funny dialogue from Chris, though no actual romance featured in this short.


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Revision History (1 edits)
henb  -  February 2nd, 2019, 6:39pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
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I read this straight through with no notes being taken.

Logline doesn't really apply, as we never see anything to make us think Chris is some sort of obnoxious womanizer.

You don't give anyone an age and that's an issue for sure.

Writing is "confident", "cocky", wordy, but definitely not my style, but some may enjoy it.

The banter early on from Chris is over the top and not in a good way...it's grating for me and not really funny, but I do see the attempts at humor...and some may find it funny..I don't know.

I guess it's kind of entertaining, in a weird way, the way this plays out.  And, to your credit, it's very creative.

Was there a rose?  I don't recall.  Is this a ROMCOM?  I'm not sure, really, but I guess I see the angle you were going for.

I'd lose the montage, as it really doesn't add anything and makes this a much more difficult shoot.

The final scene has me confused.  All 3 of these guys were in the opening scene and apparently all know each other.  The whole topic about Chris' wife doesn't seem to make sense to me.

All in all, it's OK and it's entertaining, and it's different.  It's a solid effort.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
CHRIS--a clean-cut young man--smiles from ear-to-ear with a
twinkle in his eye. He looks over to ANDREW--a fidgety and
brainy fellow with sweat building up on his forehead.


What's with the -- ? Actually - they're peppered throughout the script. I would lose them.


Quoted Text
Chris and Andrew are dressed only in their underwear, hands
tied behind their backs, sitting cross-legged with their
backs to the wall.


You got to set this up earlier. It's disorienting here. When you open - all we should see is their faces - or - have them in this state from the start.


Quoted Text
Five more MASKED ROBBERS jump over the teller line and leap
out of the adjacent offices.


Why add this complication???? Not needed.

Did I miss the roses.

The premise is a great one. I thought the execution was just okay.


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grademan
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:14pm Report to Moderator
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Dunga Duh and Gumphrey Hogart,

Your story had swagger as I imagine Gunga Din (the movie) and Mr. Bogart would.

The story was not your typical rom com. The screen time for the intended couple was less than expected.

The rose  lewelry was on an old lady who had a date on the Titanic. Was this her only purpose?

The men were in their underwear for most of the script. Why? Or did you forget because it
wasn't mentioned again?

Why the obsession with "--"?

Why have three men in the story? Two would have been easier.

Why call MASKED WOMAN, MAW? Struck me as distracting and not all that clever. With the title MAW i got her character mixed up with the old woman. Not sure it was necessary to reveal MAW's real name.

Why tell a story within a story?  Stick to one story for this short of an assignment.

The dialogue and the action lines had the same attitude. Maybe if your dialogue had an undercurrent of romance rather than lust, it would have fit better.

Trim the unneeded parts... the old woman, the montage, the standoff with SWAT... and the story would shine through.
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irish eyes
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Written more like an action movie than RomCom.

it was an entertaining read to say the least and moved along at pretty fast pace.

But again not sure with all the bullets flying ripping into the robbers would exactly be a ROMCOM

Good job on entering


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,


Quoted Text
MAW
Did you just wink at me?
CHRIS
What would you do if I put something
long and hard in your face?
MAW
Put your head down--now.
CHRIS
Just let me know how long you want me
down there for.


I'm not a fan of back and forth like this at all, and it feels completely out of place in terms of what I consider a rom com.

Probably leans more towards an action anyway.

The comedy didn’t work for me at all, sorry to say.

You need to learn how to correctly use an em dash (--). You have gone unnecessarily overboard. Even if this is a style choice, I would pick a different style.

Congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.


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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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A rather confusing action/rom-com (if such a genre blend exists), and I'm not sure it met all the OWC's requirements.

Some of the style points (e.g., the dashes) weaken its impact.

Left me unmoved, something a rom-com should NEVER do.
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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:58am Report to Moderator
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How can you tell someone is gorgeous when she's wearing a ski mask?

The premise is not bad but it's missing something.
As is it didn't blow me away.  

It certainly is a unique meet-cute.
I dunno, with a clean up, maybe.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

Starting off well for me, I'm liking it. The conversation isn't realistic so I'm not taking this as a serious script, more tongue in cheek.

Ok, now he's talking to Maw, he's not being romantic, he has sex on his mind, not romance.

I would keep it at just two bank robbers

I really like this. I would try and get more romance in the beginning, rather than sex references.

Clever ending I thought

Just needs more romance

Matt


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PKCardinal
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:53pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so, I liked this. Clever twist on the romcom genre. I agree with most when they say the dialogue should be less sexual. It changes the tone in the wrong direction.

Others have mentioned some of the formatting issues, so I won't. Just know that I agree with them.

is sitting = sits  There are many instances similar to this throughout the script. Search for every -ing and eliminate those bad boys.

With some cleanup, this could be even more fun than it is. Good job!


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_ghostwriter
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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The general idea of a story is here and I think your voice and style are okay.  That said, the romance was lacking, and most of the humor left me rolling my eyes.  

Here's the thing -- you can write this script and shoehorn in all the jokes and funny lines you want.  But then go back and cut out anything that doesn't serve the story.

Kudos for finishing...


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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Andrew and Chris are talking, but there’s no shot of who they’re talking about.

They’re in there underwear. The Masked Woman is Maw and someone has fierce blue eyes. The banter is too much.

Sorry this didn't work for me from the get go. Keep workin' on it!

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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