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Not sure about this. Decent writing, although it's gets unnecessarily convoluted in places. There are clear attempts at humour, but I didn't find it very funny. I suppose it's romantic but his whole story could be a lie. So I don't really see a point. Overall, I don't see a point actually. The whole point of Chris's story was to get them out by imitating bank robbers? Not sure.
So itís basically a sexy play on Stockholm Syndrome, not the Muse track (good riff, shame about Matt Bellamy and his hedgehog face),Sexyholm Syndrome.
It was odd, but I kinda liked it. A little bit of patter between the lads led to a kinda smile, slightly comedic, definitely written in a bouncy fun manner. I guess itís got the romantic element too, so itís a romcom! Yay!!
It was decent enough, not amazeballs but none the less entertaining.
Not bad. It read awkward in parts, and the flow could have been better as well as the storytelling itself. But overall, this was decent. Maw sounds like an old lady name. Donít know where you came up with that but Iíd consider changing it. The reveal was okay. It just didnít have enough oomph! Nothing read insistent, like begging me to turn the pages. Your attempts at comedy didnít land. You had a good premise to work with, but your dialogue could use some pop to it. Anyways, decent effort. This might be something to explore further and rewrite after the challenge!
I couldn't understand what they were talking about at the beginning. I think the beginning needs a lot of clean up. And it's how you start your story - it's important. So the beginning threw me away, I must say.
The plot is there and I think it has a lot of potential. But this is very talky and I wouldn't call it a romance because your main girl is not there at all. If you included her in most of the pages it would make up for a better story, too.
Okay, looks like I missed one, so gotta make sure Iím getting reviews in on all. Donít want to be ďthatĒ guy.
Is this a co-written piece? Interesting if so.
So starting off. Andrew is a brainy fellow? How do we know that? Maybe heís nerdy looking?
Set up is taking a little bit to materialize. Need to get to the crux of the matter a little sooner, IMO.
Okay, after some back and forth, it appears weíre in the middle of a bank robbery, which makes the ďmeet cuteĒ of a rom-com definitely in a different setting.
Chris is smitten with someone just by her eyes? Hmmm. Itís a comedy, so I guess Iíll Give that a pass because itís a unique take on the usual ways of falling for someone.
Weíve now got more robbers jumping out and the SWAT team mowing down the gangsters. So, just your standard run of the mill rom com!
The ending really doesnít make much sense logically, but again, everything here is pretty much over the top that I canít fault it all that much.
In the final analysis, definitely not a rom com, the flowers didnít really play a part, and the first part kind of dragged until MAW/Elaine showed up. But overall the writing is solid and a few of the jokes (even some of the inappropriate ones) hit. But still a solid effort overall.
This starts off strong. I like the initial premise. It reminds me of those over-the-top absurd comedy slo-mo shots where someone is at total peace while chaos ensues around them.
But that's not what this is. It tries to make us believe this is real, that this really is a meet cute. That somehow, Chris's insane level of infatuation is so undeniably attractive that Maw (ick) a.k.a. Elaine can't help but to fall for his knight in shining armor routine.
There's no possibility of romance in this situation. It's an action scene with a surprising twist, and that's great if you let it be that. It almost makes up for it at the end, and that ending is what this entire premise is hooked on, and it might have worked if you'd just let us get there without all the tongue-pretzeling and her throwing herself at him. If you'd left it at a simple acknowledgement that he's just her type of crazy, even just giving him her name, something to hint that they might eventually end up together, then all that happens between their meeting and that ending. She could have dipped her finger in his bleeding shoulder and written her email address down on his shirt to better play into the red requirement, and he could have been grinning through the pain. Anything but the "passion" that is entirely unearned.
Great premise, and even though it would be next to impossible to film it's worth rewriting to get the beats right and perhaps making something longer from it.
You should introduce right off the bat that we are in the middle of a bank robbery, I think you tried to go for the surprise effect, but since this is already in the logline it wasn't as surprising as confusing.
I'm still not sure why Chris falls in love with Elaine. I know he explains it to Andrew at the beginning, but it didn't work for me, not as it is, I'm not sure whyÖ
Chris says some inappropriate things, but I wouldn't say he's a womanizer. Actually, that wasn't bad, I liked the character more than if he was oneÖ
Not sure about the dashes. I'm not against them, but not a fan either.
I'm with Jeff about the montage, remove it - you won't lose anything.
Okay, the end wasnít bad. It surprised me and I liked the irony of it.
Overall - a fun read, decently written and entertaining, but short on the romance. It would benefit from a cleanup.
Knowing the logline, I really like how this opens.
Hard to reveal they are basically naked after all that talking though. Must have been a really tight shot of just their faces?
Harvey cracking jokes at the old ladyís expense seems unlikely, but itís your script.
Sorry but I hate this innuendo talk from Chris while MAW is hassling him. it's not funny enough to fit.
Ah, itís just a guy telling a fantastical story to his co-workers. I literally won one of these challenges with the exact same set-up.
Sure, this one was solid. Like I said, it was very similar to something I wrote so I guess I have to like it on that principle, no?
I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.††
"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.†† -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.†† -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.††(polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)