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1st read of the very large bunch. I want to be nice. I want to read each entry in its entirety. I will be honest. Here we go...
Oh boy, not a good start. When you can't even get the opening Slug right, we could be looking at an awfully long haul. You're missing an apostrophe in "DEANS" - should be "DEAN'S". NOTE - You made this same mistake over and over.
Also, I had to look up "ATELIER"
Opening passage is poor, and repeats your Slug, which you don't ever want to do.
2nd passage poorly written again.
Dean is standing "on a wall"? I can't picture that very well.
Sorry, but the writing is so awkward and oddly phrased. I'm actually wondering whether or not English is even your first language?
Is "paint" supposed to mean "painting"? If so, why?
Dialogue so far is very unrealistic and stilted. I'm through Page 1 and really struggling here.
Lots of nodding, looking, etc, These repeated lines are so dull.
OK, it's not getting any better...I'm going to skim and stop with the comments, but I'll get to the end, damnit!
You can't have "TWO DAYS LATER" in a Slug...this should be a SUPER.
FADE OUT and THE END on the wrong side of the page and then you have an extra blank page, which is just lazy.
I see the challenge parameters here, but the "chocolates" part not really. I see attempts at humor, but really nothing was actually funny. As to being a ROMCOM? It's tough when you only have 1 side of the relationship, so that's pushing it on genre alone.
Writing is very poor throughout, awkward, stilted, dull. Dialogue unreal. Relationship between the 2 leads, weak and unfounded.
Overall, if this wasn't my first read, I would have bailed very early.
To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
I have to echo the sentiments of the previous reviewers. This had an interesting idea, but every couple seconds, I was getting tripped up on grammatical and spelling errors. I know that's not what's important in a script, but when it happens as frequently as it did here, you can't ever get invested in the story. I would suggest that you find someone you can trust, as a proof reader, in order to help you clean up these issues. Once that part is taken care of, you can begin to get people really into your stories.
Interesting idea to make this entirely about two friends talking about the love interest of one of them and not include her at all. The romance does come through, in the single romantic gesture that Dean is trying to achieve, but though you attempted witty banter during Lucas's leading questions it isn't really that light or funny. It's frenetic (your turn to look a word up?).
Lucas tossing the painting out the window came out of nowhere, and Dean wasn't nearly upset enough for 4 months of work. That's just not realistic.
May I suggest something without making you tempted to switch the brush to a blade.
I really like that line.
I really did not like the attempt at witty banter when Lucas was asking Dean those leading questions trying to inspire him.
The colour of her eyes does not count as the chocolate element in my mind, but that's the least of the problems here.
I think it's clear that English is not the writer's first language. And that's ok, I applaud the effort, but this reads awkwardly because of that and makes the script harder to follow.
The main problem here is no real story. The two men are trying to paint through imagination? I think? Because so much of what's written is based on a painting we'll never see it's hard to follow. There is no real conflict. No real romance. No comedy.
A story needs a beginning, middle and end and this is all just a middle it seems. Something is happening, but I have no clear understanding of why, and no knowledge of what happens because of it.
So I’ve been struggling with the lack of romcoms in the strictest sense, and what defines them, but I think I may have figured out a way to detect this problem...so Spotify (set to 90s classics) somehow stumbled across Stay by Shakespeare Sister, and I tell you if there hasn’t been a romantic trauma that is resolving itself by the time that lass is belting out “STAYYYYYY WITTTHHH MEEEE” then it’s probably not a romcom.
Anyway, I’ve applied this test to your script and sadly it pulled up short, even if I didn’t do the S.S. Test (Shakespeare Sister, not the other group of idiots) I think it would have come up short. There’s no romantic trauma and resolution, not really much in the way of comedy and just a lot of talking without going anywhere.
Regardless, I like others are guessing that this could be a second language, and shy for a couple of words/phrasings I wouldn’t have picked that up so you’ve got a writing style to work with, now work on the substance.
I'm convinced, like others, that English is not your first language. For the sake of not being redundant, I won't reiterate all the areas in which this is an issue. That said, there were a few other issues with the writing that didn't seem to be related to language. Lots of overwriting, for instance.
Take this phrase:
"His face expresses a struggle of thoughts as he props his chin on his hand."
How about this instead?
"He props his chin on his hand, thinking."
Many simple ideas that don't need so many words to communicate.
Anyway, I was able to follow this more or less. I didn't find it particularly funny, although I was able to identify the attempts to be funny. Not sure you hit the romantic mark though. I mean, the story revolves around a romantic gesture, but with no one to be on the receiving end of the gesture (at least onscreen), I'm inclined to take points off. Similarly, the chocolate reference doesn't cut it for me, as chocolate doesn't make an actual physical appearance anywhere as far as I can tell.
A little bit of a tough read. I'll stop short of saying the writing issues interfere, but they do distract. There's also not much going on here. Lots of chatter that I'd excuse if it weren't as long-winded. Beyond that, can't say this made much of an impression on me either way.
You seem to use the same pseudonym every time, and every time I forget who you are. Anyway, early on you use the work "look" way too frequently. The dialogue starts off very slow - a build-up, I guess. Then I start to buy into it. Then it kinda leaves me flat, as I kind of expected it would. Not much happens here, but I can see where I think you wanted to go with this, but there is really no romance that I can feel, and no comedy. Didn't laugh once. But nice try here, even though there were some punctuation issues and slug missteps. And you did give me an idea for a new short!