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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Red and White - OWC
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  Author    Red and White - OWC  (currently 430 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Red and White by The StoRyTeLLer - Short, RomCom - A confused artist and his chaotic friend try to catch love on canvas.  - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 11:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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1st read of the very large bunch.  I want to be nice.  I want to read each entry in its entirety.  I will be honest.  Here we go...

Oh boy, not a good start.  When you can't even get the opening Slug right, we could be looking at an awfully long haul.  You're missing an apostrophe in "DEANS" - should be "DEAN'S".  NOTE - You made this same mistake over and over.

Also, I had to look up "ATELIER"

Opening passage is poor, and repeats your Slug, which you don't ever want to do.

2nd passage poorly written again.

Dean is standing "on a wall"?  I can't picture that very well.

Sorry, but the writing is so awkward and oddly phrased.  I'm actually wondering whether or not English is even your first language?

Is "paint" supposed to mean "painting"?  If so, why?

Dialogue so far is very unrealistic and stilted.  I'm through Page 1 and really struggling here.

Lots of nodding, looking, etc,  These repeated lines are so dull.

OK, it's not getting any better...I'm going to skim and stop with the comments, but I'll get to the end, damnit!

You can't have "TWO DAYS LATER" in a Slug...this should be a SUPER.

FADE OUT and THE END on the wrong side of the page and then you have an extra blank page, which is just lazy.

I see the challenge parameters here, but the "chocolates" part not really.  I see attempts at humor, but really nothing was actually funny.  As to being a ROMCOM?  It's tough when you only have 1 side of the relationship, so that's pushing it on genre alone.

Writing is very poor throughout, awkward, stilted, dull.  Dialogue unreal.  Relationship between the 2 leads, weak and unfounded.

Overall, if this wasn't my first read, I would have bailed very early.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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I get the definite sense that this is written by someone for whom English is a second language.

I like that you took a chance by writing a romcom that didn't actually include the love interest. Interesting take. The romance comes through (as much as it could), the comedy not so much.

Overall, the writing was too interrupted by grammatical errors for me to ever get into the story.




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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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What good are choices if they're all bad?

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I have to echo the sentiments of the previous reviewers. This had an interesting idea, but every couple seconds, I was getting tripped up on grammatical and spelling errors. I know that's not what's important in a script, but when it happens as frequently as it did here, you can't ever get invested in the story. I would suggest that you find someone you can trust, as a proof reader, in order to help you clean up these issues. Once that part is taken care of, you can begin to get people really into your stories.


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ReneC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:56am Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea to make this entirely about two friends talking about the love interest of one of them and not include her at all. The romance does come through, in the single romantic gesture that Dean is trying to achieve, but though you attempted witty banter during Lucas's leading questions it isn't really that light or funny. It's frenetic (your turn to look a word up?).

Lucas tossing the painting out the window came out of nowhere, and Dean wasn't nearly upset enough for 4 months of work. That's just not realistic.


Quoted Text
May I suggest something without
making you tempted to switch the brush
to a blade.


I really like that line.

I really did not like the attempt at witty banter when Lucas was asking Dean those leading questions trying to inspire him.

The colour of her eyes does not count as the chocolate element in my mind, but that's the least of the problems here.

Nice attempt, definitely original but needs work.


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:14am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

This one got a bit tedious. I struggled to see how this fits into the rom com genre, but good effort for trying. It was a really tough challenge.

All the best.


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Warren  -  February 4th, 2019, 5:44pm
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eldave1
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
INT. DEANS ATELIER - DAY


s/b DEAN'S and I had to google Atelier. Maybe I'm dumb. But I certainly would have gone with a more common word.


Quoted Text
On a wall next to Lucas, stands DEAN. A devilish, good looking ARTIST with a look that carries a lot of insecurities.


Why cap ARTIST?


Quoted Text
The view panels and a big canvas takes the presence of the
scene, revealing the look at what seems to be a colourful,
abstract paint of a human most intimate interaction.

Both are eyeballing the paint.


Painting rather than paint??

Okay - Only on page 1 - I'm going to stop with the typos and format issues - just know that they are distracting and need to be cleaned up and probably exist throughout.

Onward:

Read the story. IMO - this one really stretches the parameters.  Right on the edge.

Wasn't for me I'm afraid. Just didn't land.

Congrats on entering.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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irish eyes
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Lacked romance
Lacked Comedy
Lacked an interesting story.

I struggled with this one

Sorry

Good job on entering


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CameronD
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:43pm Report to Moderator
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I think it's clear that English is not the writer's first language. And that's ok, I applaud the effort, but this reads awkwardly because of that and makes the script harder to follow.

The main problem here is no real story. The two men are trying to paint through imagination? I think? Because so much of what's written is based on a painting we'll never see it's hard to follow. There is no real conflict. No real romance. No comedy.

A story needs a beginning, middle and end and this is all just a middle it seems. Something is happening, but I have no clear understanding of why, and no knowledge of what happens because of it.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

So I’ve been struggling with the lack of romcoms in the strictest sense, and what defines them, but I think I may have figured out a way to detect this problem...so Spotify (set to 90s classics) somehow stumbled across Stay by Shakespeare Sister, and I tell you if there hasn’t been a romantic trauma that is resolving itself by the time that lass is belting out “STAYYYYYY WITTTHHH MEEEE” then it’s probably not a romcom.

Anyway, I’ve applied this test to your script and sadly it pulled up short, even if I didn’t do the S.S. Test (Shakespeare Sister, not the other group of idiots) I think it would have come up short. There’s no romantic trauma and resolution, not really much in the way of comedy and just a lot of talking without going anywhere.

Regardless, I like others are guessing that this could be a second language, and shy for a couple of words/phrasings I wouldn’t have picked that up so you’ve got a writing style to work with, now work on the substance.

All the best,

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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The idea is interesting, but it isn't making it onto the page.

>Lucus bites his lip.

I think that's called over directing the actors. With context, actors will mostly know what to do.


I’m not getting the visuals.

>abstract paint of a human most intimate interaction.

Now I see the problem. English is a second language?

Good work for entering,

Sandra




A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Just like another one I read (Roses, Choc, Red Face) this one also suffers from something getting lost in the translation. Least, I think so...

There is a style of writing here that's not bad but it's mired in a few too many errors.

My main gripe is that we never get to see the object of his affection except in the roses artwork at the end.

For a RomCom, call me old fashioned but I need to see the attraction between both players on screen, at least some of the time.


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James McClung
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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I'm convinced, like others, that English is not your first language. For the sake of not being redundant, I won't reiterate all the areas in which this is an issue. That said, there were a few other issues with the writing that didn't seem to be related to language. Lots of overwriting, for instance.

Take this phrase:

"His face expresses a struggle of thoughts as he props his chin on his hand."

How about this instead?

"He props his chin on his hand, thinking."

...or something.

Many simple ideas that don't need so many words to communicate.

Anyway, I was able to follow this more or less. I didn't find it particularly funny, although I was able to identify the attempts to be funny. Not sure you hit the romantic mark though. I mean, the story revolves around a romantic gesture, but with no one to be on the receiving end of the gesture (at least onscreen), I'm inclined to take points off. Similarly, the chocolate reference doesn't cut it for me, as chocolate doesn't make an actual physical appearance anywhere as far as I can tell.

A little bit of a tough read. I'll stop short of saying the writing issues interfere, but they do distract. There's also not much going on here. Lots of chatter that I'd excuse if it weren't as long-winded. Beyond that, can't say this made much of an impression on me either way.


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Hello Writer

I to struggled with the language - If English is your second language then hats off to you, but you are not quiet there yet (I can't really judge, I can't speak or write any other languages)

The story - I don't remember chocolates?

This is suppose to be romance, and 1 half of the romantic pair isn't in it - Didn't get the romantic feeling. Or a comedic feeling for that matter.

Well done on an entry though

Matt


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StevenClark
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

You seem to use the same pseudonym every time, and every time I forget who you are. Anyway, early on  you use the work "look" way too frequently. The dialogue starts off very slow - a build-up, I guess. Then I start to buy into it. Then it kinda leaves me flat, as I kind of expected it would. Not much happens here, but I can see where I think you wanted to go with this, but there is really no romance that I can feel, and no comedy. Didn't laugh once. But nice try here, even though there were some punctuation issues and slug missteps. And you did give me an idea for a new short!

Steve


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