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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Ruined
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Don
Posted: April 15th, 2019, 11:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ruined by Kirsten James - Short, Horror - A simple visit turns into a nightmare when a brother returns to the family home to help his older sister sort through their dead parents' belongings. 17 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 16th, 2019, 6:00pm
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Arundel
Posted: April 15th, 2019, 11:55pm Report to Moderator
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I did enjoy this. It worked s a page turner and made me want to keep reading to find out what happens next. Also I could get the visuals. One thing I found you did perfectly was give enough information but not too much back story for a film this length. Kept it moving. One question is (and this is hardly worth mentioning) is that in your scene headings INT/EXT were not used in some of the kitchen scenes, i.e. "he walks into the... KITCHEN... and sits at the table." I get why you did this, for the flow of the scene. Just wondering if it's something you noticed too or did intentionally. You did well with two characters, and made them "fill the space" of the 17 pages/minutes without dragging.
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LC
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 1:40am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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A quick scan tells me that yes, Kirsten could do with using Mini Slugs throughout this contained setting.
At the moment it's a mix of both.

Good advice Arundel, and welcome to SS!


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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 6:15am Report to Moderator
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Hi Kirsten

If memory serves, I owe you a read - I am busy with the OWC challenge at the moment, but I have bookmarked this to read once it is over.

Regards

Matt


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DISCLAIMER: I am an uproduced amateur, if I comment on your work, please bear that in mind
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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When there are glaring errors in your logline, it's very likely the script that follows will also have glaring errors.

"A simple visit turns into nightmare when a brother returns to the family home to help his older sister sort through their dead parents belongings."

Missing "a" between "into" and "nightmare".  parents - "parents'

Also, "when a brother...to help his older sister" - could and should be rewritten..

How about this?  A simple visit turns into a nightmare when two siblings return to their family home to sort through their recently deceased parents' belongings.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Kirsten
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hi Arundel and LC, thanks heaps for your read and comments. Yep, I've taken a look and I get it now. I wasn't sure if the minis were right, but do get it, thank you for clearing it up. I've been pulled up about this before.

Matthew, thankyou.. good luck with the OWC.

Jeff... shit. Yes, an example of whipping up a logline to get it on SS on time and making a meal of it... your example is good, I will re work it. But the script is perfect . I spent longer on that


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 16th, 2019, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Kirsten
But the script is perfect . I spent longer on that


  Good to hear.  I may just have to check it out.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 17th, 2019, 10:42am Report to Moderator
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Hey Kirsten,

This was a good ghost story you had going on here. I felt it went on a little too long and could be shortened a bit, but otherwise the flow of it was good and I liked the twist at the end, albeit to me it was a tad cartoonish. But, it works, and I liked it.

My only gripe is how did the police not connect the dots between the parents and Joan? If she went on the fishing trip with them and they disappeared, wouldn't fingers mostly point to her? Unless I am missing something.

I also thought that Joan would've buried Henry in the backyard in the garden and planted roses where his body was, to connect the roses to the story, but even though that didn't happen, it was a good ending.

Good job,

Sean


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Kirsten
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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Giving up is not an option....

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Hey Sean,

Thanks for the read and comments. Good point about the cops and Joan. I need to make it more clear that it's not a murder investigation, just a missing persons, presumed drowned one. And if the police did come to the house just to check it out, the 'things' in the closest could have been easily overlooked.

I did think of connecting the roses somehow, but got lost trying to get the ending right and didn't go back to that.

This was suppose to be an easy quick one, but as I started writing I felt I needed to work on their characters as part of the horror, probably why it seems a bit too long. Maybe the character work needs some attention to make it feel less dragging.

Anyways while I write this I can see your screenplay posters and they look cool. And it makes me want to go check out your other two. And to re read Where the Bad kids Go...


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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