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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2019 One Week Challenge  ›  Driving The Relm - OWC Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Driving The Relm - OWC  (currently 798 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2019, 10:53pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Driving The Relm by Lešf SensnÝr FjŲrd - Short, Horror - The new owner of the latest self-driving car gets the ride of his life. Literally! 12 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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LC
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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I liked a lot of this...

But I have some qualms.

I do love me some Driverless-Car fiction. A certain SS member (who shall remain nameless at this point) did this very well in another OWC

I think youíd better go over the
procedures once more with me.


Hmm, not the most subtle of exposition, is it? I wonder if you could segue into that a bit better.

You're going to kick yourself for this: lightening
Or maybe you think that's how it's spelled?  Uh-uh. It's: Lightning.

No need for: IS SEEN & ARE SEEN. No idea why the CAPS either.
The repetitive use of 'frozen' is a bit, well, just not the right word to use for windows and doors that won't budge, given they're not literally frozen. Perhaps I'm being too pedantic.

No need for exclamation points at the end of long sentences e.g. :if the weather clears!
a large great white shark  ( no need for 'large') - it is what it is by the 'great' tag, imho.
Punctuation missing - e.g. 'Lets see'

Okay, you were probably under the gun so I'll quit the nitty-gritty.

Very entertaining to a point.

You handled the suspense pretty well. A horrific and inventive scenario for sure though I would have preferred we stayed on the road. You risk it becoming a little over the top, (comedic) and far fetched once we entered a different 'realm'.

P.S. What's in a name.
Your moniker sure is a mouthful.
And speaking of mouthfuls, how big was that car?




Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  April 20th, 2019, 8:48am
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 20th, 2019, 11:53am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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So, for starters, it appears you missed the page limit, but in reality, you were just too lazy to delete the 13th blank page.  Not a good start...and we haven't even started yet.

Wow...first 3 pages completely talking heads exposition.  Dialogue not good.  Nothing here feels remotely realistic.

No reason for DISSOLVE

Page 4 - Why is the jazz music OS, if this is an INT scene?

is seen, are seen...both not good.  Writing is very poor.

15 minutes later in the Slug?  Really?  Oh man...I think I'll just try and finish and stop with the notes.

Oh man.  Really not even sure what to say here.  I'm actually wondering if this is a pisser?  Story and action is completely redonkulous.  Nothing is remotely believable here.

Sorry, but this is really poor.

*


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 1:40pm Report to Moderator
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Three full pages on how the car works is way too many, IMO.

Would have liked a catalyst - why did he decide to buy that particular car?

The ending was pretty predictable so it lost a bit of suspense for me.

Congrats on entering.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 2:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quoted from eldave1
The ending was pretty predictable so it lost a bit of suspense for me.


Predictable?  Dave, did you read to the end?  If you did, I find it absolutely amazing that you had predicted such an ending.  It's so completely crazy and out of left field, how could anyone predict this?

I'm seriously shocked and just need to know.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Warren
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Did you really pay to register a OWC script?

The first 3 pages a quite a slog. I think this needs to be condensed to important info only.


Quoted Text
EXT. MONTEREY - PACIFIC COAST HWY - 15 MINUTES LATER - NIGHT


If this 15 minute time gap is of any actual importance it would be better written as a SUPER.

I don't like the bold text personally. It adds nothing and only serves to pull me out of the read. The same can be said for all the caps, especially in the dialogue.

This is all over the place.


Quoted Text
DONOVAN
A car -- swallowed by a whale?
Isnít that a little far fetched,
Ensign?
NASH
Not at all, Commander. Iím thinking
itís a blue whale. Largest mammal
on earth. At a hundred feet long
and two hundred tons in weight--?
Itís entirely possible. And would
explain the movement out to sea.


A very good example of on the nose dialogue.

From driver-less car to 20 000 leagues under the sea.

Just way too much going on here, especially towards the end.

Not for me unfortunately.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

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Shaka Comic Book

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PKCardinal
Posted: April 21st, 2019, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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"the better it knows your habits" What habits? The car is self-driving. Does it learn how you drink your coffee? Odd choice. We'll see if it makes sense later.

No need to say: ARE SEEN.

"is brightly lit" Maybe: The instrument panel glows brightly.

15 minutes later. That's specific.

Never seen a FADE UP before. Keep it simple and FADE IN.

Okay. Done. Weird twist at the end with the whale. Didn't like that choice at all.

I did like the premise. With a world on the verge of mass numbers of self-driving cars, I think there's some ground to explore here. So, that was a good choice.

However, I didn't like any of the other choices. I'd love to see you explore other ways that the automated vehicle could imperil our guy. X FILES had a quirky episode about an automated world gone rogue. You could watch that for inspiration.

I'd suggest cleaning the script up a bit and explore other more clever obstacles. With some changes, this could be fun.

Best,
Paul

Oh, and don't bother registering a short. Save your money. It's automatically copyrighted as soon as you put words on the page anyway. Save that for pilots and features. Besides, no ones gonna steal it... and if they do... shame on them.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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ReneC
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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Psst...you aren't supposed to out yourself, it's still anonymous until after the voting.

I think the opening exposition has been shot down enough. It's unnecessary, just get to the action.

The drive itself was well done. The storm coming was nice foreshadowing. But why did he choose to go to the rest stop? Was it to wait out the storm? He didn't, so I'm confused about that.

Lightning and AI. Nothing ever goes wrong there. Good idea bringing it in here, it works. And the car suddenly turning back on, unresponsive, speeding faster and faster...that was great. Excellent job.

And that's where it should have ended. With him flying off a cliff. Maybe not the line "Not like this" though.

Instead, you took this right off the rails. The AI that suddenly can carry on full conversations. A car that keeps the water out really, really well. Totally unexpected visuals, until the explanation comes and how exactly does the coast guard know it's a whale? And, what??? Why would a whale even bother with the car that's been sitting on the bottom of the ocean?

You took it way too far. Start with him getting the car, cut to the driving, give us the lightning causing the AI to kill him, and it's a lovely cautionary tale.

Good job entering!


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eldave1
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale


Predictable?  Dave, did you read to the end?  If you did, I find it absolutely amazing that you had predicted such an ending.  It's so completely crazy and out of left field, how could anyone predict this?

I'm seriously shocked and just need to know.



John, an atheist, buys a driver less car. He's worried about what happens if it malfunctions. He is reassured that only an Act of God would cause any problems.

At this point I knew that the car would malfunction and it would be due to an Act of God - which in fact it did (lightening) and the Atheist met his demise.

i.e., the ending was predictable and forecast in the beginning.

PM me if you have any more questions in this regard. I don't want to hijack this writer's thread on a debate.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2019, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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As pointed out, there are some interesting formatting choices but I'm flexible so let's SEE what the story has to offer.

Well written tale in the main and I'm a sucker for a script that uses new technology in interesting ways.

I was worried you might have lucked onto one of my AI car ideas but fortunately not

What stopped me really liking this was the ending and the whale, I just got Pinochio in my head!

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Three pages of dialogue just to tell us about an automatic car. Have a think, is there a way you can start later without telling the audience so much?

Then we get a page of Harold just driving. You need to get the action sooner or come up with some way to make this either entertaining or suspenseful to keep the audience engaged.

This reads more like a suspense thriller to me. Thereís no horror. A car malfunctions and ends up underwater, the passenger survives for a while but drowns. This would have been a horror if the A.I. deliberately killed the guy but it tried to save him.

The A.I. along with the technology in the car and the coastguard sections did not sound authentic. A bit of research goes a long way.

Thereís a lot of potential here but you just havenít managed to do it justice yet. Iíd keep at it though.

My advice is to start late with Harold driving and interacting with VAC from the start. Have VAC behaving a little off. As time goes by VAC learns about Harold and grows to dislike him. VAC makes life difficult, a test of wills ensues.  These escalate until VAC comes to the conclusion that Harold must die but it makes it seem like an accident, like it is something that Harold did wrong. You end then with the knowledge that this incident is blamed on the human, and thereís loads of death traps out there just waiting to happen.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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IamGlenn
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

I really don't know how I feel about this. I don't know if I liked it. It was definitely strange, oddly written and the ending was a bit crazy. But, if I was watching this I think I'd kind of be into it.

Interesting.

Good luck.


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Spqr
Posted: April 23rd, 2019, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Funny! However, there are over two pages of dialogue describing the car's controls, and I don't think too many readers would mind if you cut that down a little. I really enjoyed this story.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: April 24th, 2019, 7:02am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Looking at the title, at first I thought you had misspelled realm - glad to see I was wrong lol

A lot of explanation up front - a slow start and, sorry to say, bored me a little. I can't imagine watching that and getting excited about what's to come.

How can the car learn his habits if he's not driving it? Unless he meant for Harold to manually take over and drive the car around town for a bit? even so, how will it benefit the AI to know Harold's driving habits? surely the car will be programmed to drive safely and economically anyway.


Quoted Text
Harold leafs through a magazine as it begins to sprinkle.


That doesn't read right, I was wondering how a magazine would sprinkle.

There's a lot of thunder and lightning in these entries - is it a prerequisite that horror must contain bad weather?

"IS SEEN/ ARE SEEN" - don't need these, it's a movie - we assume everything you tell us is seen. Plus, you can't see thunder.


Quoted Text
HAROLD
This is nonsense! A brand new car?


This is not needed, we know its a brand new car.

Harold is bothering me, he seems very calm that lightning has just struck his car - I just watched some videos of lightning hitting moving cars - it looks loud and scary as hell, smoke and sparks - this didn't really come across in the script and Harold isn't reacting as I would expect.


Quoted Text
HAROLD (CONTíD)
Finally! This car is dangerous!


These little lines to himself feel unnatural

VAC is a seriously sophisticated AI - but speaks like a human "An hour or two, maybe longer" - I would expect AI to speak in more certainties but that could just be my preconception.


Quoted Text
GREEN
We could send down the divers? Car
was equipped with a specially made
location beacon like on planes.


How does he know this if it was a witness that called it in?

Very exposition heavy dialogue between the divers - it's also a terrible way to reveal this information to us - the twist should be shown to us, not told to us.

I also don't buy that a whale would eat a car - way too far-fetched for me. For 1, he crashes by the coast - I can't imagine a blue whale feeding close enough to the coast to pick up the car. and dead fish and a body? Whales eat tiny food, krill and plankton - If a blue whale picked up anything the size of a car, it would get crushed against it's palate and deffo wouldn't be able to swallow.

unless this is some kind of horror land whale - but there is no indication of it. I think you took this is the wrong direction personally.

Well done on entering

Matt




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Dustin
Posted: April 25th, 2019, 4:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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DRIVING THE RELM

Christine meets Moby Dick. This one isn't written badly and the story is OK. Memorable perhaps for its mash-up of those two stories.


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