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I found the story here unnecessarily convoluted. You weave in comic book stuff, flashbacks, tales of trips to prison, giant rats etc when it feels the story should be a simple one: They've got to retrieve a precious whistle or face deadly consequences.
Spending time and energy on deciphering stories is OK for mystery stories and hard sci fi but comedy really needs to keep it simple, imo. Simple story with genius level comedy.
It's a good attempt that I feel is less than the sum of its parts.
Why would they be flaming limbs? do rats combust when you shoot them?
Why are these manholes exploding? I don't get it, anyway-
I liked this, I thought it was cute - I felt the budding romance between the two and genuinely rooted for them to become a thing.
The last page let it down, I feel like you cut this back heavily to fit the page count, and crammed that last page with as much as you could. There was no resolution to their relationship either which disappointed me.
The distorted flashback was clever, I liked it - I think it could be formatted better but I'm pretty sure I see it the way you wanted me to, so well done - The comic book mention threw me, what did that have to do with anything?
I figured that I'd read this and try and inject some positivity... but I just can't. Unlike everybody else, I'm not under any obligation to finish. I do think you're a decent writer, I just feel this isn't your genre at all.
There are also some technical issues that Dreamscale pointed out that show you as fairly new. The persona you write with in this story isn't a good one. It's not a good voice.
Starting reviews now Have read about 10 already. Not much comedy sadly although some of the pisstakes have some good lines. Scream and Shaun Of The Dead are pisstakes so when comedy is the set genre anything goes
This one had some good ideas but the overall concept was too much given the page limit. I do like the whistle as a kind of talisman but there was too much crammed in. There was no real humour either but again I’m a hard marker with my comedy.
I’ve noticed a few scripts have a sort of Disney vibe more than comedy. Interesting.
P4 "Why, Alex???" Oh, I have a cameo appearance too now… ^^ not sure what went wrong there honestly perhaps just a slip
oh, surprising nice moment with the gun hitting his head- I think it would be even funnier if the gun would fire "itself" at the rat – firing only from the impact it had when colliding with Elgar's head I mean. Sure, unrealistic, but would made the slapstick even better imo.
All right, you fought here, a very brave fight imo.
I could say a lot about the script. But it isn't necessary. I think you got a good self-reflection about what you do.
This one has effort written all over it. There was a story, good attempts at comedy, and the characters had a little bit of development. Good try, writer...but the parts just didn't seem to fit. A lot of one-sided banter and the flashbacks (valiant effort) didn't work.
Too much story crammed into five pages methinks, a few too many detours happening at the top which tended to diffuse any comedy. There were some nice touches with character and I liked the freeze-frame, but I was at a bit of a loss as to your central story.
Another rat pack? Ooh, those dirty rodents. Nice final line tie-in.
I actually didn’t think it was all that bad. I liked the interaction between Alexa and Elgar and they were characters you could root for.
My biggest problem with this is that you tried to cram too much action into the story. Not enough white space on the pages. Made it a little difficult to consume. Also the ending was a bit mental. Other than that, criteria met and decent writing on display.
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
I'm intrigued by this use of the unreliable flashback...where he imagines himself muscular but is not. This is not a criticism, as I said, I'm intrigued. The question is what will the audience perceive? Will they understand that his flashback is distorted memory?
Exercises like this are a great place to experiment with a new, outside the box idea. The false memory certainly counts.
Ok, I've completed the read.
I feel the urge to be very kind to this script in my comments, though I can't fully explain why. The prose and dialog were pretty good, and I suspect the writer creates much better prose and dialog in fully fleshed out scripts.
The characters were a little goofy, but it also managed to somehow make me feel a real chemistry between them.
It didn't really make me laugh, but obviously it was comedy, no problem on that end.
I didn't fully get the over-the-top stuff that happened. A giant rat has swallowed the sought-after whistle and is attacking them like a monster. They kill it with a gun found under water. And for some reason everything explodes. Weird, wild stuff!
I have not quite read half the stories yet. So far I'll score this higher than the others. For all its flaws, it did achieve something(the impression of chemistry), and with these types of story parameters it's very hard to achieve anything.
And again, I admire the experimental flashback stuff. Oh, and that also gives more points for character. The fact that he imagines himself in a very heroic but dishonest way gives him depth that few if any other characters will have in this challenge. Good work!
I think that when you start a film/script with a flashback, that you don't actually label it as such...that's what happened in Batman, and Usual Suspects anyway...so that you experience it as reality, until later. Some may disagree.
It is quite novel to combine a Flashback and a Dream Sequence, which I suppose is what we have here...although a new term 'Fantasy Sequence' might be more appropriate...maybe you can patent it and smile every time you see it in a script.
Like most scripts, it's better the second time round. It's not so much that you miss things, as you don't take the time to get into the reality of the world that's being created, you don't enjoy the atmosphere in the mad rush to get through the reads.