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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  3 Hail Marys - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    3 Hail Marys - WT3  (currently 1074 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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3 Hail Marys by Anonymous21 - A young naval aviator deals with the personal aftermath of an attack on his task force. - Short, Horror


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LC
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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Ingenious use of the hand sanitizer.
Loved the story. Very well written.
No complaints here!


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:06am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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This was a good attempt.

It's probably be better without the swarm, but I understand you did it for the horror criteria.

As I understood it, the pressure of the water was crushing the plane. That little bottle wouldn't escape the pressure either, would it? I'm not sure.

Anyway, you've done well.
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Fais85
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Somehow I didn't enjoy it. The creatures came out of nowhere and the emotions were forced. The initial conversation could have been better where they could have talked about death or ghosts or something like that (as a foreshadowing).

Good attempt though.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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The writing is pitch perfect and an enjoyable read. Wasnít necessarily overly horrific ó bugs come from nowhere and overtake a ship? Iím going to give it a pass as a horror but it felt more like an action drama.

But I liked what you did with the hand sanitizer. Probably is going to be the most imaginative use of the required object in this weekís challenge.

Iím wondering why he didnít go for the ejector button sooner.  Could he have not made it out once the jet turned upright, or was he too far down at that point?

Still, a minor quibble on my part. Great effort on this.

Best of luck,
Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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3 Hail Marys

Well, this had quite a good drama backbone for an only five pages script. Very good. The SF angle was also strong although I would have liked to have a better description of the black tiny creatures (I imagined them as mini blobs for now,,, but how do they attack etc.). While the idea of sinking with no chance to escape is scary on its own, the script as a whole didn't feel like a horror-centered plot.

The presentation was very clean and the story was well-structured. Merely not strong in the genre. I need to think here. However, cool stuff you brought to the table. Good job



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Kevin_L
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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For a situational story itís good.  This doesnít really stand out as a horror genre to me.  You did fine capturing one of the scariest ways to die . Drowning ... Like someone else said, I would have liked to know more detail about the creatures.  

Iím sure if  his superiors catch him sprinkling sanitizer on the controls of a 30ímill jet fighter, he will be flying rubber dog sh** on a cargo plane out of Hong Kong . Lol  Iím just kidding, Iíd say the controls can handle a little hand san.  I just wanted to quote Top Gun . Lol

Pulling of the ejection handle underwater creates a neat visual . I just wonder if the canopy would actually clear underwater or turn the crew into diced kabobs.  

Him using the sanitizer as a message in a bottle was sad.  If I had to put a label on it. I would call this a sci fi action .

I didnít really find a payoff so to speak. What I mean is ,what did they accomplish?
They sat on the runway. The creatures attacked. Then they took off and crashed . Lt is toast and Petey sends out a message in a bottle .  (Donít take that as me saying your story is simplistic. I just put what I saw in short terms.) Your writing is FAR from simple.

Your writing kept me engaged... You def know your way around a script . I think you just rushed a little on story.

All the best!







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MarkItZero
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hm, it's a good effort but all the pieces didn't quite gel for me. I think it's the horror stuff seeming shoehorned in. You have these creatures show up and I was gearing up for some kind of survival horror battle between pilots and evil things.

But they don't really play into the story beyond an excuse to have the plane crash. Feels more like a straight drama with this guy struggling in his last moments to connect with his daughter.

Good writing though.


That rug really tied the room together.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Not entirely sure about the horror credentials here, or rather the way they're introduced but I'll let that slide - for some reason they reminded me of the creatures from Attack the Block.

Anyway, apart from that quibble I liked it, characters drawn well, situation (for them) scary and most original use of sanitiser I've read yet.

Good job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Warren
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
full moon.
The deck is full and active


Minor quibble, get rid of one of the "full".

The deck is brimming with activity... Maybe.


Quoted Text
that of:


This reads a bit awkwardly to me, it may be fine, but it did pull me out of the read.


Quoted Text
LT. AMES
A distinction without a difference.


Thatís a good line.


Quoted Text
Itís swarmed with a million tiny black creatures,


Top of page three and you give us this. I'm hoping you can give it enough meat to make it work. Also be nice to have a slightly more detailed description of these guys.


Quoted Text
PETEY
Daddy loves you.


A little cringe worthy, I think the same thing could have been achieved through action and not dialogue. A tear in the eye, a stroke of the photo, something other than what you have.

Yeah I would definitely get rid of the ďI love youĒ dialogue if itís on the note at the end.

This doesnít feel like horror, Sci-Fi maybe.

The creature comes out of nowhere and isnít developed at all. I'm just never going to be a fan of that.

The writing is almost flawless, not a whole lot else I can say about it.

I might come back and read this one again before I vote on it.

All the best.


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stevie
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 11:35pm Report to Moderator
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Torn on this one as the whole Ďpayoffí at the end is telegraphed in the opening scene.

Its competently written - when I opened it I thought ĎWhy didnít I use an aircraft carrier lol - and wrings the emotion out of the 5 pages   Technically itís a drama with some mystery swarm lol but I wonít ping you on that (canít after letting nearly all the Rd 2 ones pass as ĎComedyí LOL)

Anyway nice one and I dug it



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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Fuck sake, you almost made me cry - I have only ever cried twice in my adult life, once when my dog died and again when Dobby died - Since having my son, anything to do with father/child relationships really gets my emotions going - I seriously almost cried during the animation "Sing" when the Dad gorilla was super proud of son gorilla - what's wrong with me?

Ahem, anyway... beautifully written, you brought me into the characters and into the world nicely. I could see everything and I liked what I saw.

Hmmm, technically you used the hand gel bottle, not the hand gel itself, soooo.... I'm pulling your chain, nice use of the hand gel  

I haven't got a lot to add really - I enjoyed it

P.S Congrats on winning the "Most expensive short" award for round 3



Revision History (1 edits)
Matthew Taylor  -  June 20th, 2019, 4:57am
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Spqr
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Exciting. Great tension all the way through.
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jayrex
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.  I like it.  Creative use of the HS.  This one meets the criteria.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 6:53am Report to Moderator
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Nice. A real flow... well, I only read three pages and to be honest I got high enough from the fumes I don't need to finish. You're talented.

However, in this 5-page challenge your flow drops on page 5... in particular, I found this to be quite bad:

Suddenly, the cockpit glass explodes upward, followed quickly
by Petey, still harnessed to his seat.

You had to finish within 5 pages, so it's excusable for what is otherwise - for 72-hours work - a masterclass in screenwriting. if you had time to edit you could have played with your action lines a little more, like the first here:

An aircraft carrier, surrounded by a full task force, sails
along under the bright light of a full moon.


Surrounded by a full task force, an aircraft carrier sails
beneath/under the bright light of a full moon.

I like it though. Should score high. Not much of a story, but you're never going to get War and Peace in five pages.
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