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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Terror From The Sky - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Terror From The Sky - WT3  (currently 1007 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Terror From The Sky by Anonymous22 - While getting trashed in the woods, three dumb teenagers unwittingly get caught up in a military experiment that's gone terribly wrong. - Short, Horror


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LC
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Reads a little bit inspired by the monsters in Jeepers Creepers

Not bad either. A few typos here and there. A few moments of comedy that worked for me too, notably:

RILEY
Yeah, yeah. Fatty fell down. Very
funny. Laugh it up.

Made me chuckle.

I do wish you'd had the guys squirt the sanitizer at the monster in your denouement, given it ends up being its Achilles Heel.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:15am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Fun little story.
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Kevin_L
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer ,

You are right. Kids will almost try anything to catch a buzz.  Kids that do that type of stuff . Almost makes me want to get a bottle and chug it lol.

You did well fleshing out the characters . There is always at least one with common sense in a group.  He was content just smoking his herb.

When you said the plane sputters... Although you didnít specify the type of plane other than cargo. Most if not all are turbine powered . Sputter makes me think of a car engine.  I got what you mean.  Because only having five pages  makes since not to waste time explaining the sounds of a sick plane engine .  I  new to giving feedback so if thatís way out in left field irrelevant  my apologies.

Your creature was graphically written well.  Made me think it was a descendent of the Jeepers Creepers monster.

Thatís life.... the two dumbasses survive while the sensible one gets mangled .

The puking in the monsters mouth was funny.  Stabbing it with a burning object and the vomit catching on fire was a little eccentric .  Visual but eccentric.  Even tho the monster is real in the movie you donít want to get to risky on the action.  You risk people calling bullsh** and losing their interest . I donít mean specifically this script but anything you write.

If itís going to be wild. Make sure we know why itís able  to be eccentric . Like the monsterís skin is an 80 percent hydro carbon molecular make up. Not exactly the best idea but I hope you know what I mean. 5 pages you are forced to omit a lot .  

Overall decent read . Good work.













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PKCardinal
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Their humorous reaction at the end feels out of place... seeing as they're still standing right next to their friend's severed head. Now, if they had all survived to that point...

I liked the use of the hand sanitizer. Clever in its way.

Funny that I read this one, complete with comedy elements, right after I spent time defending comedy/horror on the discussion thread.

I won't ding you on the parameters... though, I will point out that the airplane is supposed to be a location. This one took place around an airplane, not in one. Again, close enough for me, but some might not be as forgiving.

A decent little story. Nothing too ground-breaking, but still, I enjoyed it.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thought the first few pages were a iittle too jokey, but they did a job in establishing the characters.

Didnít expect to say this, but the plane felt shoe horned in... but thatís fine as you did well with the sanitiser.

Felt like a hybrid between Jeepers Creepers and Super 8... not a bad thing.

After the creature attacks I think the return to humour on the last page felt odd give their friends decapitated body and part eaten head is right next to them.

Decent effort though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure this really meets the parameters, and I'm sure a lot of reviewers are going to ding you because it didn't take place at any time in a plane.  There's a plane in the story, I guess, and it's central to the action, at least at the end, so I'm going to give it a pass.

I'm less inclined to give the story a pass as it seems to jump off the rails on the story.  So what I'm gathering is that some beast, probably two based on the ending, burst out of the crashed airplane. One of the beasts grabs a kid and cuts off his head, and tries to eat another kid, who throws up hand sanitizer down the beast's throat. The kid then picks up a FLAMING piece of metal -- how does this piece of red hot metal now burn his hand?? -- and jams it down the beasts throat to set his hand sanitizer vomit on fire.  I think it was all just a bit much for me, but hopefully others feel differently.

Best of luck,
Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Warren
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,


Quoted Text
NICK, 16, short and stocky, and JARED, 16, tall and lanky,


These are probably two of the most generic character descriptions you see in scripts. I'd try and give them a little more flair, make them your own.


Quoted Text
JARED
Itís hand sanitizer. And itís the
good shit, Dude. Eighty-percent
alcohol. Shitís actually flammable!


Really making sure we get the point with the italics and this statement.


Quoted Text
RILEY
I told you we should have stayed at
your place and played Halo.
Jared smirks, releases a CHUCKLE.


Some tone issues here.

Big issue for me is  that the plane isnít a location, itís in a location. For me this doesnít meet the criteria.

There isnít enough meat to this story to make it enjoyable. Stuff just happens and then it ends.

The writing isnít too bad, nothing really jumped out at me.

All the best.


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Fais85
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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Cool little story. This is the second script I read where character vomits and survives. Lol... That was funny. Loved the creature description. Loved the ending line that there are more creatures. Overall very well done.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:16am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Just read the whole thing through. Writing was good, characters good, dialogue good.

The beast, will probably be scary on screen - I would have liked it if i knew a bit more about him, why were the military transporting him? where to? - but you only have 5 pages so these things have to suffer.

Are they really chuckling at the end? next to their friends severed head? odd children

Not too bad at all


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jayrex
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 12:05pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I like it.  It meets the criteria I think.  It sure does have horror.  But humour too.  I'm sure I'd laugh seeing puke that chokes and end that monster.

It was an easy read.  I like how the HS was used.  The ending good.


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Spqr
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:05pm Report to Moderator
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Winged creatures escaping from downed military planes makes for a good action story. For a couple of slackers, Jared and Riley do good to kill one of the creatures, even if it did involve vomiting into its mouth. I like these guys, so too bad they donít get some kind of warning that theyíre about to become worm-food. Maybe the creature above them inadvertently drops a guano bomb on them?
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JEStaats
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Having not read the reviews yet, I'm sure peeps are making a big deal of the flammability. If we didn't make movies that stretched reality, we wouldn't have many movies now, would we? I'll buy in just because of that.

Did peeps complain that it didn't take place on a plane? Oh, man, you should have had them walk into the fuselage! That would've been your argument! Regardless, I'll say it counts.

I've a pretty good idea who wrote this. Three weeks in and style starts to show.

I like this. Good set up, decent character building and dialog. It started to go down the path of Super 8 but that's okay. Nice job!
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leitskev
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know. This seems very silly to me, but the writer clearly knows what he/she/they are doing. This is not they're first rodeo by any means.  Another story where the sanitizer tended to really get in the way and led to absurd results.

Ok, going to take a moment and re-read because CLEARLY the writer is very competent.

I'm back.

The concept of a crashed plane with monsters IS good. That could even be worth pursuing if the writer chooses. I think low budget producers would be looking for that kind of thing. I might even know one.

But, the hand sanitizer is absurd to me. I don't buy the idea of drinking it. And once again we see puking of it used as a weapon, and then the flammable nature. I mean even if you drank a bottle of grain alcohol, if you puked some of it, mixed with bile, onto a creature...how much flammable power would it have? Enough to maybe make a child go ouch? But here that puke destroys a powerful monster!! Eesh.

solid scores on prose. Outside of this challenge, the crash is a good concept, and the writer seems to have the skill to make a run at it. Good luck.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 21st, 2019, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Terror From the Sky

up to the top of p4--- p4, p4, p4, p4,p4, p4, damn page four, it's just another one with a pure adventure out there vibe - very, very cool-

dialogue says its flammable on p1 and burns on p4, soooooo check, sanitizer is tnt -- got it, meets the criteriaÖ

"Nick SCREAMS as the Winged Creature wraps itís jaws around
his head and bites down.

NICK
Please, God! Fuckiní... Help me!"

I tell you, I laughed out loud. Oh am gee. Thumbs up.

Second half p4 Okay, the horror (comedy) elements are hammered inside nowÖ at least bring some visuals to the table from now.

Yeah, it had its momentum in third act.

Forget the set-up stuffÖ a short exchange of the idiotic boys is more than enough to throw them 'unprepared' in front of the demon,,, which was super funny. You were actually closer to the genre than most. I liked it. Some nice entertainment here.



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