SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 29th, 2022, 8:25am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
Read scripts studios are posting for award consideration.


The January Project script, Relentless, is live!
If you want access to the January Project, click here

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  A Liver Short - WT3 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Liver Short - WT3  (currently 1381 views)
Don
Posted: June 17th, 2019, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
15507
Posts Per Day
1.96
A Liver Short by Anonymous23 - An upscale meat purveyor serves their product just in time. - Short, Horror


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Hank
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:23am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I found the first two pages to be a struggle to get through due to the stilted dialogue and mysterious speech. Then on page 3 onwards this really picks up and becomes much more enjoyable after the reveal. Very creepy premise.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 1 - 20
stevie
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:44am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3440
Posts Per Day
0.68
The start reads like a bit of a pisstake so I thought it would be a DNS lol. But it settles into a creepy sort of tale. The dialogue wasn’t bad. It was sorta predictable what would happen but it was no prob.

The hand sanitizer was barely there and you may lose some points for that but it was pretty well written and I enjoyed it.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 20
jayrex
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:14am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1422
Posts Per Day
0.24
It's an okay story.  The ending was the best part of the story.  The plane featured along with the HS.  Although the plane served a purpose.  The HS didn't quite work for me.  Overall, I felt the story was slow.  But I guess it does meet the criteria.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 20
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:31am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3381
Posts Per Day
0.70
It's basically the story from the film that was on the Eastern European train. Maybe it was even called Train.

It really could have used a twist at the end, even the most obvious one...Pars getting his comeuppance from Butch.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 20
DustinBowcot
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:44am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

No further motion of him...



What?

Code

...stuff seems all right.



Hm...


Code

...legs spread and laid on some bulky displays near
the side window.



What are bulky displays?


OK... so it's meat and not organs for transplant being sold. That makes sense now why any liver would do.

A mistake at the end is that you call it the most expensive flesh on earth. Liver is not flesh.

However, this is the best I've read so far. I almost stopped reading due to the logic issue with the organs... but I carried on just in case you had that base covered. You did. Nice work.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 20
LC
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 8:02am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
6638
Posts Per Day
1.30
BUTCH
God. I really liked Jenny.
This line really made me laugh.

NESB writer? Only due to some of the odd phrasings.
That said, you evoked a nice style here. Some of your descriptions/action lines were really good:

The scars and furrows in his face speak for
a heavy acne problem in his youth.


Many bodies swivel, the hook in their bunghole, the legs
spread out to the sides, broken from the hip joint, hanging
in the musculature only.

Apart from the use of bunghole which I personally would have saved for character dialogue, not description.

Quite shockingly horrific and graphic, not something I'd want to watch, but a very original take. Not sure how you have a slaughterhouse on an aircraft...

The sanitizer here really was token only.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 20
PKCardinal
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:10pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1198
Posts Per Day
0.69
"No further motion of him, stuffs seems all right." Oddly written. And, frankly, I'd recommend just striking it. Not very often that you have to tell the reader what a character DOESN'T do. And, the calmness of his co-pilot ("chills") in the very next sentence tells us that everything's all right.

"steps into the small on-board... toilet." I get what you mean, but technically, his foot's getting wet about now.

Okay... done reading.

Quite a bit of awkward phrasing, but the story has a definite creep factor to it. High marks for that. Despite the oddities, I was interested to the end. It's an interesting world you built. Not much meat to it (hehe), but, still pretty good world-building for 5 pages.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 20
AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4005
Posts Per Day
1.23
The first couple of pages were problematic due to spelling, grammar, weird descriptions etc...

But as previously noted it did then pickup, even if the premise is relatively familiar - I seem to remember a prev OWC entry on similar ground a couple of years ago.

I digress, sanitiser was token really, but I’m being flexible with the onject this round as it was a tough one.

I wonder why a flight of this specialist nature would need a stewardess? But I thought she was there to provide the motivation for the end twist when Butch said he really liked her... genuinely thought he was going to kill Pars, shame.

Decent effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 20
Fais85
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 2:10pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
India
Posts
190
Posts Per Day
0.15
Liked the idea of slaughterhouse inside an aircraft. Overall, this was okay read. Quite graphic and disturbing for some.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 20
PKCardinal
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1198
Posts Per Day
0.69
Issuing a self-correction here. Just read another script that has someone stepping into the toilet. Looked it up... writer is using it correctly. So, ignore my crappy advice.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 20
Warren
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 5:52pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3721
Posts Per Day
1.61

Hi writer,


Quoted Text
LOCKHEED HERCULES


Spent many hours in the back of these bad boys. Quite a bit of time jumping out of them as well


Quoted Text
scans the darkness for the unexpected


I think this would be better left as "scans the darkness". Let the 'unexpected' come into the story when it needs to, no need to set us up this way. It would also be impossible to transfer this to the screen.


Quoted Text
No further motion of him, stuff seems all right.


This is also a throwaway line.

I didn’t like the use of the word "chills".


Quoted Text
and laid on some bulky displays


Not sure what I'm meant to be seeing here.

I'm finding the dialogue a bit clunky.


Quoted Text
rather strong than fat


A bit awkwardly written in terms of what you want us to see. So does he look strong or look fat? All we will see on screen is either a big fat guy, or a big muscled guy. If he looks fat but is strong, this will need to be conveyed in some visual way.


Quoted Text
BUTCH
God. I really liked Jenny.
PARS
I guess it's what happens if you
play with the wrong kids.
BUTCH
Hm. Agree.
MOMENTS LATER
At the jumpsuit, Butch carefully puts the bolt gun to
Jenny's temple. He pulls the trigger, with a POP the bolt
propels forward, hits Jenny's head.


This could have been a great spot for some drama and tension, the page count definitely doesn’t help. At the moment it feel too easy and matter of fact.


Quoted Text
millionaires
neighborhood


millionaire's

And then it ends with a page to spare. That’s a bit of a shame. I like the concept, you really had an opportunity to ramp things up in the plane, it feels a bit wasted.

The writing is just okay. The hand sanitizer made a small appearance but I feel the criteria was met.

All the best.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 20
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 11:14am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1527
Posts Per Day
1.06
Hello writer


Quoted Text
The PILOT, 40, scans the darkness for the unexpected.


Is he expecting the unexpected? he's looking for it so he must be, but then if he is expecting it, it's no longer the unexpected, it's the expected.... my head hurts. I'm messing around, just pointing out there's no need for the "unexpected".

The sentences are oddly written - probably a victim of the time constraint.

Not a fan of the dialogue either, a tad robotic... It gets slightly better as we go along.

I liked this, but I think if you revisit it you could make it a lot better. The premise is great, human meat to order, very creepy - I don't see much of Jenny so don't much care she is in danger - But not enough twists or turns or surprises for me - Like a last minute mind change and he kills the Butcher instead, because he is in love with Jenny - or, twist, the rich man ordering the liver turns out to be Jenny's dad and he has inadvertently ordered her death... just something to take this from a good story, to a great story.

But you had 72 hours - so damn good for a weekends work - what was the relevance of the hand gel though? I may have missed that.

The writing could do with a going over as well, but a lot of that may be down to personal style choices.





Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 20
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1211
Posts Per Day
0.34
The hand sanitizer was there but played no part in the story at all. There is definitely horror galore here, though.

I’m going to somewhat disagree with others here and say that the writing had a rough start and while it stayed fairly rough throughout, the storyline itself picked up by page three, so credit there.

Curious why they needed a flight attendant — no passengers that I could tell (at least living ones). Also, at the end, he’s just carrying the liver in his pocket, and then pulls it out and throws it on their plate? Disgusting.

Overall, not bad, story wise, but the writing needs some clean up.

Best of luck,
Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 20
Spqr
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
Good story, but it’s more of a slasher than a horror script. It has a high gross-out factor, but it doesn’t instill any fear or anxiety in the audience. Still, I thought the guys in the plane were harvesting organs just to sell, so it was pretty cool when it turned out they were actually contributing to the world’s food supply.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 20
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006