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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Posted: June 18th, 2019, 12:23am
I found the first two pages to be a struggle to get through due to the stilted dialogue and mysterious speech. Then on page 3 onwards this really picks up and becomes much more enjoyable after the reveal. Very creepy premise.
The start reads like a bit of a pisstake so I thought it would be a DNS lol. But it settles into a creepy sort of tale. The dialogue wasn’t bad. It was sorta predictable what would happen but it was no prob.
The hand sanitizer was barely there and you may lose some points for that but it was pretty well written and I enjoyed it.
It's an okay story. The ending was the best part of the story. The plane featured along with the HS. Although the plane served a purpose. The HS didn't quite work for me. Overall, I felt the story was slow. But I guess it does meet the criteria.
BUTCH God. I really liked Jenny. This line really made me laugh.
NESB writer? Only due to some of the odd phrasings. That said, you evoked a nice style here. Some of your descriptions/action lines were really good:
The scars and furrows in his face speak for a heavy acne problem in his youth.
Many bodies swivel, the hook in their bunghole, the legs spread out to the sides, broken from the hip joint, hanging in the musculature only. Apart from the use of bunghole which I personally would have saved for character dialogue, not description.
Quite shockingly horrific and graphic, not something I'd want to watch, but a very original take. Not sure how you have a slaughterhouse on an aircraft...
"No further motion of him, stuffs seems all right." Oddly written. And, frankly, I'd recommend just striking it. Not very often that you have to tell the reader what a character DOESN'T do. And, the calmness of his co-pilot ("chills") in the very next sentence tells us that everything's all right.
"steps into the small on-board... toilet." I get what you mean, but technically, his foot's getting wet about now.
Okay... done reading.
Quite a bit of awkward phrasing, but the story has a definite creep factor to it. High marks for that. Despite the oddities, I was interested to the end. It's an interesting world you built. Not much meat to it (hehe), but, still pretty good world-building for 5 pages.
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
The first couple of pages were problematic due to spelling, grammar, weird descriptions etc...
But as previously noted it did then pickup, even if the premise is relatively familiar - I seem to remember a prev OWC entry on similar ground a couple of years ago.
I digress, sanitiser was token really, but I’m being flexible with the onject this round as it was a tough one.
I wonder why a flight of this specialist nature would need a stewardess? But I thought she was there to provide the motivation for the end twist when Butch said he really liked her... genuinely thought he was going to kill Pars, shame.
Spent many hours in the back of these bad boys. Quite a bit of time jumping out of them as well
scans the darkness for the unexpected
I think this would be better left as "scans the darkness". Let the 'unexpected' come into the story when it needs to, no need to set us up this way. It would also be impossible to transfer this to the screen.
No further motion of him, stuff seems all right.
This is also a throwaway line.
I didn’t like the use of the word "chills".
and laid on some bulky displays
Not sure what I'm meant to be seeing here.
I'm finding the dialogue a bit clunky.
rather strong than fat
A bit awkwardly written in terms of what you want us to see. So does he look strong or look fat? All we will see on screen is either a big fat guy, or a big muscled guy. If he looks fat but is strong, this will need to be conveyed in some visual way.
BUTCH God. I really liked Jenny. PARS I guess it's what happens if you play with the wrong kids. BUTCH Hm. Agree. MOMENTS LATER At the jumpsuit, Butch carefully puts the bolt gun to Jenny's temple. He pulls the trigger, with a POP the bolt propels forward, hits Jenny's head.
This could have been a great spot for some drama and tension, the page count definitely doesn’t help. At the moment it feel too easy and matter of fact.
And then it ends with a page to spare. That’s a bit of a shame. I like the concept, you really had an opportunity to ramp things up in the plane, it feels a bit wasted.
The writing is just okay. The hand sanitizer made a small appearance but I feel the criteria was met.
The PILOT, 40, scans the darkness for the unexpected.
Is he expecting the unexpected? he's looking for it so he must be, but then if he is expecting it, it's no longer the unexpected, it's the expected.... my head hurts. I'm messing around, just pointing out there's no need for the "unexpected".
The sentences are oddly written - probably a victim of the time constraint.
Not a fan of the dialogue either, a tad robotic... It gets slightly better as we go along.
I liked this, but I think if you revisit it you could make it a lot better. The premise is great, human meat to order, very creepy - I don't see much of Jenny so don't much care she is in danger - But not enough twists or turns or surprises for me - Like a last minute mind change and he kills the Butcher instead, because he is in love with Jenny - or, twist, the rich man ordering the liver turns out to be Jenny's dad and he has inadvertently ordered her death... just something to take this from a good story, to a great story.
But you had 72 hours - so damn good for a weekends work - what was the relevance of the hand gel though? I may have missed that.
The writing could do with a going over as well, but a lot of that may be down to personal style choices.
The hand sanitizer was there but played no part in the story at all. There is definitely horror galore here, though.
I’m going to somewhat disagree with others here and say that the writing had a rough start and while it stayed fairly rough throughout, the storyline itself picked up by page three, so credit there.
Curious why they needed a flight attendant — no passengers that I could tell (at least living ones). Also, at the end, he’s just carrying the liver in his pocket, and then pulls it out and throws it on their plate? Disgusting.
Overall, not bad, story wise, but the writing needs some clean up.
Best of luck, Gary
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
Good story, but it’s more of a slasher than a horror script. It has a high gross-out factor, but it doesn’t instill any fear or anxiety in the audience. Still, I thought the guys in the plane were harvesting organs just to sell, so it was pretty cool when it turned out they were actually contributing to the world’s food supply.