Underneath The Streets Of New York by Anonymous8 - Francesca and her pals just want to enjoy their July 4th feast, but Chester and the pack have other plans. - Short, Comedy, Animated

Hi writer,

Quoted Text NOTE - Entire script is animated.

No need for this in the script, it’s a waste of valuable space. It may also be clear from the content that it's better suited for animation. Also you tell us it's animation in the genre section.

Quoted Text Who's got the remote, RIBBIT?

Intro characters in caps when they first appear on screen, not in dialogue.

Quoted Text BIG AL (50 year old fourteen foot long alligator) floats in, cigar in his mouth, with ZSA ZSA (15 year old white Persian cat), FRANCESCA (6 year old white Persian cat), and FRENCHY (5 year old skunk) all on his back.

While the ages give us a sense of what they may look like, I think it would be better if you give us a visual rather than an age and leave the visual up to the reader.

Quoted Text FRENCHY I'll make a fragrant stew, or a tantalizing casserole, or maybe-

Use an em dash (--) for interrupted dialogue. Maybe personal preference, but that is actually one of its uses.

Quoted Text FRANCESCA I need you, too. Change of plans for tomorrow morning. Instead of the ribs and veggies, I need you to stuff these ghost peppers into some meat scraps, but mark the bags as planned. Then, thirty minutes later, I'll be here for the real stuff, OK?

This is giving the catch away, would be better if it was done as a reveal.

Quoted Text As the food leaves the bags, so do the tiny, wispy ghosts, who float above, smiles on their faces.

Ghosts?

And done. I think you tried to get a fair bit into the 5 pages.

Nice touch choosing animation, I saw basically everything you wanted me to see.

I can’t say I found it funny, but I see the attempts at humour so I'm calling it a comedy. The whistle isn’t really that important to the story but it's there.

The writing was okay and the dialogue works for what it is.

It was a damn tough challenge, congrats on getting an entry in.

All the best.

Ooh, another entry with The Rat Pack...

I liked the singing of New York, New York - funny. I also commend you for all the work you clearly put in this.

Unfortunately imho there was just so much going on I started to scan a bit.

Less (characters) is more I think.
Admirable effort.

I enjoyed your attempts at world building. It definitely didn't feel a million miles away from a professional animated world.

For me the world you had created was so epic and filled with so many characters, that the central story...about one meal...really fell flat in comparison.

I think a bigger story, with one central character looking to make his way in this weird world and out into the bright lights of the world would be a better fit than what we have here.

It’s okay.  The humour wasn’t enough for me to really enjoy.  I think a child would like it more.  The use of the whistle was good here.  The overall story was okay.  A bit of an adventure.

This was a pretty imaginative story. Just wasn't very funny. Seems like it's more aimed at young children.

Clean writing for the most part, though I did get a little lost towards the end. Guessing you ran out of pages and had to cram a lot into the final pages.

The whistle didn't really have a big part. Even though I didn't find it particularly funny, I can still see the attempts at humor.

Kudos for writing a story that's not completely disgusting. Lol

This was certainly an interesting and entertaining take on the challenge.

But it felt more like it was aimed at kids and played more like Disney TV - no bad thing, but not really in the comedy genre.

Whistle was there more or less and certainly set mostly in the sewer.

Good effort.

Animated...OK, let's see what we've got...

I've been waiting for an alligator, and here he is...and a cigar smoking alligator at that.  HA!

Zsa Zsa Gabore, no doubt?  And we have some cockroaches, which I expected in almost every entry.

So far, so good.  It's funny, and comes off like so many of those animated movies with animals.  I like the attention to detail and the "ghosts" flying above the chilies.

HA - Franky singing Old Blue Eyes.  Funny.

And Frenchy "skunks" everyone.  Nice.

Listen, I like it...alot.  It's funny, it's well written and either from a New Yorker or well researched.  I don't think I saw a single cuss word, which is weird, but kind of refreshing.

Story - Yep, it's entertaining.

Characters - Very strong, unique, and even memorable.

Dialogue - Again, strong and memorable.

Prose - Can't complain.

Criteria - Nailed it, but the whistle was a little "light"

"For a sewer, it's pretty nice." Good open.

Wow. I can't believe you got that many characters, plus a story, and a bit of a twist into 5 pages.  Major kudos for that.

And, since they're animals, I wasn't lost. I don't know how you did it.

The story was pretty straight line. But, since it's animated, I'd expect it to be. You could have hidden the "twist" a bit, rather than tell us straight out what her plan was. Even if this is aimed at children, they'd be bright enough to follow a simple twist.

Nice effort.

Hello writer

Quoted Text Animated cartoons play on each.

Is there any other type of cartoon on TV other than animated?

Quoted Text ...RIBBIT?

I don't get this, is there a character called Ribbit? why is this capped? - the name Ribbit doesn't come up again.

Do we need ages for animated animals? I guess we need to see if they look old or not - but I wouldn't know the difference between a 20yo or a 50yo alligator - is 50 old for an alligator? I dunno. anyway...

Quoted Text Tiny ghosts trail behind her.

I don't understand what these pepper ghosts are... I think I'm missing something. I'm open if anyone wants to tell me what it is I'm missing...

Ahhhhh - no - Francesca just gave away the ending in the middle of page 4   I think I know now what the "ghosts" are supposed to be telling us, but I still don't know what I am suppsoe to be seeing visually.

Ok done

I like this story - I think you are trying to do a bit too much in the page count and the writing could be better - but the comedy is there, animated animals are always a win, although I didn't feel invested in any of them - I didn't get the father/son relationship with the alligators
"CHESTER Ah, Dad...really?" This line doesn't really conclude that plot and felt a bit flat

The reveal before the reveal was a mistake - But you know, 72 hours and all that. But you deffo have something to work on and develop

Well done

Ghost peppers are one of the hotter peppers in The World.

The writer's imagining the peppers actually have a ghost in them

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Ghost peppers are one of the hotter peppers in The World. The writer's imagining the peppers actually have a ghost in them

Oh, I see - but why? Maybe it would have been better to have these ghosts visualize how hot these peppers are, like, the pepper ghosts are covered in tiny flames and smoke.... I dunno

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Oh, I see - but why? Maybe it would have been better to have these ghosts visualize how hot these peppers are, like, the pepper ghosts are covered in tiny flames and smoke.... I dunno

Not gonna lie, the ghost part threw me off as well. Lol

This was one for me that started off fine but got a bit confusing - had to re-read a couple of passages - a lot going on.

Meets the parameters for sure.

This one is too many characters and you can easily get away with a few I think to let us understand the story better.
Franky and Franchesca are enough from one clan. And just leave two main from the other. I had to go back and reread several times since my head wasn't in it.  I'm not sure about the story here. The punch line or moment in this case - didn't get it either.
But meets the parameters just like any other entry I read so far.