SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is September 15th, 2019, 6:02pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The August/September Challenge has begun!

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Here Comes The Bogeyman
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Here Comes The Bogeyman  (currently 197 views)
Don
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13257
Posts Per Day
1.95
Here Comes The Bogeyman by Zack Akers - Short, Horror - When an evil entity demands that a single mother choose one of her two children for a blood sacrifice, she must find a way to save them both. 18 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Zack
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
2886
Posts Per Day
0.59
Thanks for getting this one up, Don. And thanks for helping me with the logline, Dave.



Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  August 30th, 2019, 5:57pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 11
LC
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3673
Posts Per Day
0.92
Zack, I have to admit I have a low tolerance for longer Shorts (even though I tend to write them long myself) but at 18 pages this flew by, so all credit to you for keeping up the pace and the suspense.

A few niggles: fazed not phased, he lies back down (not lays), a loveseat (unless it was mentioned first in description, which I don't think it was) and, no need to mention when Mary reappears that she no longer has the wine glass. Decorative side table? I'd delete that amidst the action.You also don't need preambles in description like: With a sense of purpose...[/[i] Mary runs. [i]He WHIMPERS as stumbles and crawls underneath his bed.[/i] - missing word in action there.

Without further scrutiny those things stuck out tech-wise. You also do quite a bit of directing in this but that didn't faze me   - except for the CUT TO: BLACK and subsequent FADE on p.10, which slowed the pace for me.

You open on one light on in the house upstairs. For atmosphere maybe add the flickering light of the TV in the darkened loungeroom below, which you could then MATCH CUT with the first strobe of lightning strikes.

SPOILERS:



My main take-away is a bit of disappointment, sorry to say. After such a terrific build up and a logline that sorta promises salvation, (must find a way...) Mom sure does battle to save her sons but ultimately doesn't deliver.

It's a gripe of mine in modern horror that all too often evil triumphs despite the preceding valiant efforts of good. Call me old fashioned but I'd rather be in an audience of cheering and satisfied customers or else the flying limbs and blood splattered walls just seem in vain. Bring back the heroine! And have her slay that Boogeyman.

I still enjoyed it, but on screen I want to be cheering Mary on, not groaning and waving a fist at her cause she failed.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 11
Zack
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
2886
Posts Per Day
0.59
Thanks for reading, Libby. Happy you thought it read fast. I'm also happy the camera directions didn't bother you. I was really trying to get across how I see this story. Thought maybe I went a bit overboard. Lol.

Thanks for pointing out the typos/writing errors. A few always seem to slip past me. Also agree that I have a tendency to overthink my descriptions. Will try to clean this up in the rewrite.

Love the image of a flickering light in the downstairs window. Anything to add more atmosphere.

SPOILERS




You're reaction to the ending isn't a surprise. I did write another ending, that while dark, isn't nearly as graphic. In that ending, Mary actually chooses one of her boys.

You're not the first one to dislike thiending. But a few others actually praised me for it. I'm mixed, myself. Will think on it more, but I may end up going with the less graphic ending. Or maybe I'll try to write an ending like you suggested, where Mary actually prevails somehow.

Thanks again for reading. Always appreciate your opinion.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 11
eldave1
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4901
Posts Per Day
2.62
Hey Zack - gave it a read. A couple of logic issues for me:

This:


Quoted Text
INT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - BATHROOM - LATER

The white tiled bathroom is very clean. The shower is on
full blast, fog consumes the small room.


Struck me as an odd time for Mary to be taking a shower - she should be on full alert.

Why didn't she call Luke to see if he was the one that called from the phone?

Okay - overall - pretty solid writing. I think I saw everything you wanted me to see.

I did not care for the way it ended. It seemed so futile. Luke - or one of the boys - or even Mary needs to save the day, IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 11
LC
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3673
Posts Per Day
0.92
Ooh, I forgot to add and agree with Dave re the shower scene. Seems very much: huh? After a scare, if you're a bit shaken up there's no way you want to be naked and vulnerable. And, showering at midnight? It's not even a gratuitous scene thrown in as a horror trope either. Be different if we saw Bogeyman's shadow glide by the shower screen.  

Plus, she's not attacked in the shower so it seems unnecessary filler. Perhaps you were going for the calm before the storm so to speak, but it doesn't really add to the plot imh.

Did you have some other idea with this, Zack?


Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 11
Zack
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
2886
Posts Per Day
0.59
Thanks for read, Dave. Sorry the ending didn't work for ya.

About your issues with the logic of the story, I sort of see your point.

The shower scene was supposed to imply that Mary is trying to push what happened out of her mind. The Deputy is parked just outside, so she feels relatively safe. She's more taking a shower to calm her nerves and help her sleep(that's what I do sometimes when I can't sleep).

I wrote a scene where she talks to Luke again before the shower, but cut it down to get the page count down.. Maybe I should put it back in.

I definitely think Luke needs to come back into the story at the end, to save the day or die trying.

Libby, yeah the shower scene is very much a calm before the storm moment. But if you are both thrown off by it, maybe I should rethink it.

As for further ideas for this, I do think it's worth rewriting, maybe even turning it into a feature. I just want to see if others feel it's worth expanding.

Thanks again for reading, guys.



Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  August 31st, 2019, 10:05am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 11
LC
Posted: August 30th, 2019, 10:36pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3673
Posts Per Day
0.92
I think the potential problem for an audience re the shower scene is: dumb female.

As for having Luke turn up and save the day I was rather hoping (as your logline suggests) ...she must find a way to save them both. i.e., Mary is the feisty protag. as advertised, and not have her boyfriend save her. Think:
Jodie Foster - Panic Room, Laurie Strode in Halloween.

Zack, If you can keep the terrific pace going as you have here I definitely encourage you to expand it to feature length. Just make your heroine smart and strong while still being terrified.

I'll butt out and let others weigh in now.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 11
Zack
Posted: August 31st, 2019, 10:03am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
2886
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from LC
I think the potential problem for an audience re the shower scene is: dumb female.

As for having Luke turn up and save the day I was rather hoping (as your logline suggests) ...she must find a way to save them both. i.e., Mary is the feisty protag. as advertised, and not have her boyfriend save her. Think:
Jodie Foster - Panic Room, Laurie Strode in Halloween.

Zack, If you can keep the terrific pace going as you have here I definitely encourage you to expand it to feature length. Just make your heroine smart and strong while still being terrified.

I'll butt out and let others weigh in now.


Thanks for the vote of confidence, Libby. You've given me a good bit to think about. I agree that Mary and the boys shouldn't be saved by Luke at the end. And while I'm not opposed to having Mary defeat the Bogeyman, I'd still like to end this with a gut-punch. Potentially a bittersweet ending.

Not sure which direction I'd take this if I did turn it into a feature. I'd likely just use this short as a template.

Thanks again for all the awesome advice.



Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  August 31st, 2019, 1:33pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 11
eldave1
Posted: August 31st, 2019, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4901
Posts Per Day
2.62

Quoted from LC
I think the potential problem for an audience re the shower scene is: dumb female.

As for having Luke turn up and save the day I was rather hoping (as your logline suggests) ...she must find a way to save them both. i.e., Mary is the feisty protag. as advertised, and not have her boyfriend save her. Think:
Jodie Foster - Panic Room, Laurie Strode in Halloween.

Zack, If you can keep the terrific pace going as you have here I definitely encourage you to expand it to feature length. Just make your heroine smart and strong while still being terrified.

I'll butt out and let others weigh in now.


Libby - I agree about the dumb female thing - it was my first thought. I also agree that Luke should not save the day - although I think someone should.

Zack - Promise of the premise is kind of what left me dry on the ending I think. The Sophie's choice - which one should I save - is under served.  I'd love a scene near the end where the Bogeyman is forcing her to make a choice - which one, if you don't select - both. That maybe she even offers herself up - no deal. He wants a young child. Then interaction between the brothers - does one volunteer, etc. etc. - Hope this makes sense


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 11
Zack
Posted: August 31st, 2019, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
2886
Posts Per Day
0.59

Quoted from eldave1


Libby - I agree about the dumb female thing - it was my first thought. I also agree that Luke should not save the day - although I think someone should.

Zack - Promise of the premise is kind of what left me dry on the ending I think. The Sophie's choice - which one should I save - is under served.  I'd love a scene near the end where the Bogeyman is forcing her to make a choice - which one, if you don't select - both. That maybe she even offers herself up - no deal. He wants a young child. Then interaction between the brothers - does one volunteer, etc. etc. - Hope this makes sense


Definitely giving me a lot of good ideas, Dave. I had considered having Mary offer herself, but one of the boys volunteering... Hadn't thought of that.  Still want Luke to show up at some point.

Thanks again for shooting some ideas my way. Really appreciate it.



Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  August 31st, 2019, 8:14pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 11
eldave1
Posted: August 31st, 2019, 8:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
4901
Posts Per Day
2.62

Quoted from Zack


Definitely giving a lot of good ideas, Dave. I had considered having Mary offer herself, but one of the boys volunteering... Hadn't thought of that.  Still want Luke to show up at some point.

Thanks again for shooting some ideas my way. Really appreciate it.


No prob - my pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 11
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Horror  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006