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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Horror  ›  Here Comes The Bogeyman
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  Author    Here Comes The Bogeyman  (currently 1210 views)
khamanna
Posted: December 1st, 2019, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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Zack, I reread it - you added complexity to the story which works for me. I enjoyed the dream part. The fact that it turned out to be true is exciting and sudden - didnít see that coming.

Her choosing one kid was kind of sudden and not in a good way for me. I mean which mother would. U wish she had a reason at all. The way youíre telling it, it should have been Devin. But she went for Tyler. Maybe Devin jumps into Bogeymans arms himself and she gives her permission to Bogeyman to have him sort of? I donít know but this is not motherly way to do. And also she has to be likable as your main character but the ending made me really dislike her. I wonder if itís just me.
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Zack
Posted: December 2nd, 2019, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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*SPOILERS*





Hey, Kham. Thanks for reading through this again. Happy to hear you understood it better. I was very worried that the dream sequence would throw people off, but most seem to like it.

Sorry the ending left you disappointed. It's a horrible situation for any parent to be put in. She already knows(because of her dream) what will happen if she doesn't choose. And her time is up, so she can't think her way out of it. She has to make a choice, NOW. And unfortunately for Tyler, he happens to be within arms reach while Devin is on the stairecase. Would she have made a different choice if both of her kids where right next to her? Maybe. But they weren't. And she had no time to think about it. I know it's not a happy ending and it's definitely a tough pill to swallow. But I do believe it is a REAL ending, true to the story that proceeds it.

Thanks again for reading.


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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zack  -  December 8th, 2019, 10:40am
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Dan_P
Posted: December 9th, 2019, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Zack! First of all, I agree that this was a quick, tense read. I'm with you on the ending as well - I didn't think it would dare to go there and I love that final, chilling image you leave us with.

SPOILERS:

I think it could be interesting/important for Mary to have further reasons to choose Tyler, other than him just being the closest in reach (especially, if you plan to have this be a thing in a feature version), but maybe it would also make her character too dark and unsympathetic in this short version, I'm not sure. While I get that there simply was no time and that she HAD to make some kind of decision, I think it's hard to convey that urgency without having it feel like she maybe could have done more or shown more resistance.

Personally, I'm not too huge on having that many directions in the script, but they didn't really get in the way here, either. Having said that, I feel as if some of them aren't really necessary. For example: "CLOSE ON the grandfather clock as its pendulum swings back and forth." If this would have read: "The grandfather clock's pendulum swings back and forth.", I'd have already pictured it as a close-up.

I've found some typos/things you might have already corrected by now, but I hope it's alright, if I list them here, just in case:
- PAGE 11: Its
- PAGE 12: Maybe you can lose the descriptive "panicky", I think it's clear without it.
- PAGE 13: confidence, picks
- PAGE 17: in any way
- PAGE 19: its pendulum
- PAGE 21: its teeth

I think you have a cool idea here, and I really enjoyed the read  

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Dan_P  -  December 10th, 2019, 6:16pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 10th, 2019, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Hey Zack,

I haven't read any of the comments so I'm going into this completely blind. I'm commenting as I read.

Page 6-7:

You mention that the Bogeyman faces toward the door with its back toward us. But then you mention that it turns to face the porch and tilts its head. Also, how did Mary not see the Bogeyman if he was standing on the porch? Or near the porch? With the light on? Unless, right as the light turns on it burns out...

I would have Mary check on the boys before or after she calls 911, just to make sure they're safe and asleep (which they are...unless something's already happened to them).

Oh shit. Poor Devin. Brave of you to do that.

Haha, I love Kings Island, if you're talking about the existing theme park in Ohio.

Why did Luke show up? Maybe you should have him mention that he was concerned or something. It's a bit strange for him to show up randomly after midnight. Maybe he said he got a call from Mary telling him to come over and that she sounded scared, and she's like, "I never called you..." and THEN he gets yanked from the door. That way, it ties into the part where the Bogeyman mimics Luke's phone call.

The ending was a bit of a letdown for me. She decided too easily in my opinion. She should throw herself out there first, but then the Bogeyman says that only children are his life force or whatever. That way, she's prompted to toss one of her kids outside instead of just being coaxed into doing so.

Fun, spooky stuff. Just what I expected from you.


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Zack
Posted: December 11th, 2019, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dan_P
Hey, Zack! First of all, I agree that this was a quick, tense read. I'm with you on the ending as well - I didn't think it would dare to go there and I love that final, chilling image you leave us with.



Hey, Daniel. Thanks for giving this a read. Stoked that you seemed to really enjoy it.


Quoted from Dan_P


"CLOSE ON the grandfather clock as its pendulum swings back and forth." If this would have read: "The grandfather clock's pendulum swings back and forth.", I'd have already pictured it as a close-up.



Good point. I'll cut that.


Quoted from Dan_P


I've found some typos/things you might have already corrected by now, but I hope it's alright, if I list them here, just in case:
- PAGE 11: Its
- PAGE 12: Maybe you can lose the descriptive "panicky", I think it's clear without it.
- PAGE 13: confidence, picks
- PAGE 17: in any way
- PAGE 19: its pendulum
- PAGE 21: its teeth


Always a few typos that sneak by me.  


Quoted from Dan_P

I think you have a cool idea here, and I really enjoyed the read  


Thanks, Dude. Seriously appreciate it.


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Zack  -  December 11th, 2019, 5:45pm
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Zack
Posted: December 11th, 2019, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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What's up, Sean? How have you been?


Quoted from Zombie Sean


You mention that the Bogeyman faces toward the door with its back toward us. But then you mention that it turns to face the porch and tilts its head. Also, how did Mary not see the Bogeyman if he was standing on the porch? Or near the porch? With the light on? Unless, right as the light turns on it burns out...



I meant he turns towrads the porchlight. I'll go back and see if I can't tweak that a little more.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


I would have Mary check on the boys before or after she calls 911, just to make sure they're safe and asleep (which they are...unless something's already happened to them).



Good idea.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


Oh shit. Poor Devin. Brave of you to do that.



I'm actually surprised that most people are okay with that particular scene. Thought for sure I'd get some flack for it.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


Haha, I love Kings Island, if you're talking about the existing theme park in Ohio.



Yep! That's the Kings Island. I grew up in Cincinnati, Dude. Used to get season passes when I was a kid.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


Why did Luke show up? Maybe you should have him mention that he was concerned or something. It's a bit strange for him to show up randomly after midnight. Maybe he said he got a call from Mary telling him to come over and that she sounded scared, and she's like, "I never called you..." and THEN he gets yanked from the door. That way, it ties into the part where the Bogeyman mimics Luke's phone call.



Love the idea of the Bogeyman calling Luke. That's perfect. Thanks, Dude.


Quoted from Zombie Sean


The ending was a bit of a letdown for me. She decided too easily in my opinion. She should throw herself out there first, but then the Bogeyman says that only children are his life force or whatever. That way, she's prompted to toss one of her kids outside instead of just being coaxed into doing so.


I agree that there needs to be a greater sense of urgency there at the end. Maybe the Bogeyman chases them further into the house before Mary gives up one of her children? I'll think on it. If you have any ideas, throw them at me.


Quoted from Zombie Sean

Fun, spooky stuff. Just what I expected from you.


Thanks for the compliment, Dude. Means a lot coming from you.


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Zack
Posted: December 11th, 2019, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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And thank you, Don, for getting the newest draft up for me. Tweaked the ending a little bit more, cut some dialog, and fixed some typos.


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