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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  All Are Welcome
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  Author    All Are Welcome  (currently 540 views)
khamanna
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, Steven. She knew he was cheating, and thought it could help Irene move on but then took pity in Pedro and decided to lie for him.
Glad you liked it)
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LC
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Kham, nice work... with a few hiccups in the writing/phrasing of dialogue - a couple Dave already pointed out so I won't labour the point.

I personally don't have a problem with the flashback. I suppose the only reason to do a work around with that is if you want to stay with a very low budget and logistics for one location.

I'm going to wait for the next draft (seeing as you said you're doing one) before I had my tuppence, suffice to say I love the idea/story - yes, there is a nice nod to Ghost with this - but you've also made it your own creation.

I've got to say I'm not sold on the title which just seems a little benign to me.

If I come up with an alt I'll suggest it with notes on the next draft.  

P.S. Forgot to say... The title and the phrase Stephanie uses All Are Welcome would work for me more if you describe her character as being quite flamboyant and expressive with her hands, a bit hippy-dippy, incense burning, beaded curtains etc. At the moment I don't think in her thirties, clearly deprived of sleep gives much insight into her character. Just a thought...



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LC  -  November 24th, 2019, 10:29pm
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khamanna
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 11:34am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Libby. Iím gonna use what you said about the psychic. So youíre saying more of a Gypsy weirdo. Iíll think about it. I thought a serious looking woman who dedicated her life to helping others and is tired for that reason. Iíll try to close my eyes and see her. Or maybe visit a psychic or two. My daughter did btw and that led her to a crisis center you know. Which might have been a good thing for her in the long run. But I digress..,
Thanks for the read, Iíll put your comments to use
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MarkItZero
Posted: November 29th, 2019, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna!

So, I like the story a lot. The emotional core is strong, it's a good twist. But I think you spend too much time dancing around it before you dive in. The flashback, even the wait for Irene to enter the building, can be streamlined.

You've got Pedro storming in, furious. The crux of it is, he's upset Irene believes he was unfaithful. He wants Irene to be able to move on with a clear heart.

First words could be something like, "Irene Ketchum. That name ring a bell?".

He accuses Stephania right off the bat of being a charlatan trying to take advantage of a grieving widow. Lying about Pedro's fidelity. He gets more and more upset till she turns the tables...

Reveals Irene's been in the room the whole time. This is all part of the seance or whatever it is.

Hopefully that makes sense. I'm writing this fast cuz I gotta be somewhere. The reveal is more elaborate than it really needs to be is what I'm trying to say. I think...

But I liked it!


That rug really tied the room together.
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khamanna
Posted: November 30th, 2019, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks James for the read and ideas. I get what youíre saying, letís see if Iíll come up with anything regarding that. Iíll certainly try
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Kirsten
Posted: December 3rd, 2019, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Khamanna,

I just wanted to chime in and say I liked the story and the twist. well done...For some reason I couldn't get my head a round the flashback and earring situation. I think it's me because no one else has mentioned that it was confusing. I have fog brain right now so I'm sure it's me.

Look forward to reading the rewrite..

Cheers K.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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khamanna
Posted: December 4th, 2019, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Kirsten. Iím thinking of a way to eliminate the flashback. The psychic doing a research is kind of a stretch. Besides she can use her visions instead, so that part is a def redo!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 5th, 2019, 11:12pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna

Conceptually, this has great potential. There are many ways you could develop it into something more substantial.

As it written though, it feels a little talky. A lot of telling and not much showing. I would suggest starting with Stephania amid actually embodying the role she describes for another client without any set up. This immediately gets us asking questions and wondering what is going on before we learn of it. It would feel like a more cinematic/less stagey way of executing the story.

The moral message of Stephania essentially lying to Irene in order to give her happiness or a sense of closure is a curious one. I'm not sure how I feel about it and that's a good thing. Its a genuine conundrum. Still, for such a weighty choice, it can't help feeling glossed over due to the script's brevity.

Have you ever seen Yorgos Lanthimos' (Dogtooth, The Lobster, The Favourite) "Alps"? It has a very similar premise.

Col.


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khamanna
Posted: December 8th, 2019, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Col, Iíll have to try to make it less talky. I think Iím starting to know how, I just need to get to the core faster. And like James says quit dancing around it. But letís see, easier said than done.
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khamanna
Posted: December 8th, 2019, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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I want to tell everyone that Iím very appreciative of each and everyoneís feedback! One way or another you really highlighted the problems and gave me ideas how to work them out. No need for reads anymore as I have plenty to work with. I may try different approaches not only one. Thanks again!
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