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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  All Are Welcome
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Don
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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All Are Welcome by Khamanna Iskandarova - Short, Drama - A psychic helps a wife of a deceased police officer overcome her loss by telling the latter her husband used to cheat on her. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


P.S. This is a rework of a previous OWC script.


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Don  -  November 21st, 2019, 2:42pm
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Zombie Sean
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 1:55pm Report to Moderator
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I swear I've read a similar script on here, like for an OWC or something, but anyway...

SPOILERS

First of all, your logline is the complete opposite of what the script tells. It's actually a psychic that helps a deceased police officer. Irene has nothing to do with it until the very end, and even then, she already knew that he was cheating on her, it seems, with her line about how she should be the one crying because he lied to her.

Why is this "MAN" talking in third person about himself? If he's Pedro, why is he referring to Pedro in third person? Do spirits forget their own identity when they die? And if so, why can he remember who Irene is but not himself?

How does this "MAN" know that people are ready to press charges if he's dead?

I like the sentiment, but some things just don't make much sense to me.


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khamanna
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean. Yes, it was submitted before to a writers tournament. You read it and commented, I remember.
In the logline I do mean the psychic tells the wife of the officer. I actually donít get where I went wrong with that.

Pedro at the beginning is mad at the psychic and is trying to scare her. Thatís why he pretends heís alive - and thatís what he would do if he was alive. So, thatís why he says what he says.

Thank you for the read and pointing out the areas that are not so clear to you. Iíll see what I can do about that.
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khamanna
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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AndyJ
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don


P.S. This is a rework of a previous OWC script.


That was the clue lol


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AndyJ
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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I thought it was quite good, I get why the "Man" was talking about Pedro, because he was pretending NOT to be him.

The thing about it for me was it was very very reminiscent of "Ghost"


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khamanna
Posted: November 21st, 2019, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AndyJ
I thought it was quite good, I get why the "Man" was talking about Pedro, because he was pretending NOT to be him.

The thing about it for me was it was very very reminiscent of "Ghost"


Thanks for the read, Andy. Yes, I see why you say that.
Iíll read your Tattoo later
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eldave1
Posted: November 23rd, 2019, 2:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Kham:

I liked the story. I do think there needs to be some trimming on the dialogue - some minor examples to follow.

A nit thought - Given that Pedro is not in a uniform and is also pretending to investigate a crime, you may want to make him Detective Pedro rather than Policeman Pedro.

Also, in the opening I think there needs to be a bit more on why he is there Ė I now know the twist is coming, but for the reader there may be the need for a bit more. Stephania Ė Can I help you? Then he flashes the badge Ė Man Ė We received a complaint.  Something like that anyway.


Quoted Text
She invites him to sit. The Man takes his phone out and
places it on the table. He punches a few keys.


The imagery is a bit off. You donít really punch keys on a phone Ė perhaps something like Ė he swipes the screen, taps a voice recorder icon.


Quoted Text
MAN
Donít you tape your clients
whenever you feel like it?

Iíd so with ďrecordĒ rather than tape. And you donít need the whenever you feel like it.


Quoted Text
MAN
Tell me what you do, and why.

You donít need the ďand why.Ē


Quoted Text
STEPHANIA
Well, you must know that I help
people get over their loved ones.

You donít need the ďWell, you must know.Ē  But, if you want to add that sentiment, Iíd break it up. E.g.,

MAN
Tell me what you do.

STEPHANIA
You already know. Why else would you be here?

MAN
I need it for the record.


Quoted Text
STEPHANIA
No, I only help to cope with loss.

Think you need a ďthemĒ after help.


Quoted Text
MAN
You know people arenít happy with
your services, right? You should
tell me more, as some of them are
ready to press charges.

Stephania sighs.

I thought the above was the weakest part of the script. His statement didnít seem genuine (for a Cop) nor her response. And you donít need it anyway.


Quoted Text
STEPHANIA
I tax every penny of what I make.

I think you mean I pay taxes on everyÖ.


Quoted Text
STEPHANIA
You may not like it, but my clients
obtain closure this way. See, most of
them donít get a chance for a final
talk with their beloved. And thatís
when I come in.

Shouldnít it be ďwhereĒ I come in?


Quoted Text
MAN
Letís talk Irene Ketchum. After Pedro
been shot, you told her on his behalf
that he cheated on her.

Should be Pedro ďwasĒ shot

I'll stop there - take a another pass at the dialogue - needs a bit of care. The story itself is a very good one.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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khamanna
Posted: November 23rd, 2019, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you, Dave, for a detailed pass at the dialogue and other points. All sound advice like usual. Iím going to make an adjustment and give it another pass, Iíll definitely do.
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eldave1
Posted: November 23rd, 2019, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from khamanna
Thank you, Dave, for a detailed pass at the dialogue and other points. All sound advice like usual. Iím going to make an adjustment and give it another pass, Iíll definitely do.


My pleasure


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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_ghostwriters
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 1:10am Report to Moderator
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Okay, Khamanna, I'll jump on the bandwagon.

Mmmmmm. For some reason, I kept thinking of Hitchcock when I read this. Now, this might be because I've seen so so many of his films or, it could be for some other reason. I dunno.

As far as the story, yep- I liked this.  I could picture it easily. The overall tension is well drawn,  and I felt the sadness you wanted to portray-- good work in the emotion department, but methinks you could fine-tune some of the dialogue... cut it short, make it more succinct for more punch.

Once again... my opinion is my own, and therefor worthless... Best of luck- Andrea

PS - Ohhh.... No nitpickiness to report.


"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."

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khamanna
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from _ghostwriters
Okay, Khamanna, I'll jump on the bandwagon.

Mmmmmm. For some reason, I kept thinking of Hitchcock when I read this. Now, this might be because I've seen so so many of his films or, it could be for some other reason. I dunno.

As far as the story, yep- I liked this.  I could picture it easily. The overall tension is well drawn,  and I felt the sadness you wanted to portray-- good work in the emotion department, but methinks you could fine-tune some of the dialogue... cut it short, make it more succinct for more punch.

Once again... my opinion is my own, and therefor worthless... Best of luck- Andrea


Hey, thanks Ghostie I'm def giving it another look and will try to compress and cut and other stuff. Let's see what comes out of it.
PS - Ohhh.... No nitpickiness to report.

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khamanna  -  November 25th, 2019, 1:35pm
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Zack
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hey, Kham. Gave this a read. Cute story.

The writing is actually pretty good. I saw everything you wanted me to. Only thing that jumped out to me is when you reveal the Man to be Pedro, you keep his name as The Man in his first dialog after the reveal. Probably just a typo, so no biggie. Also, why did Pedro seem unaware of who he was at first? That was a little odd.

Some of the dialog reads a little awkwardly. Nothing a few more passes won't fix.

Storywise, I question the relevance of the flashback sequence. It just doesn't really seem needed.

Still, this was an enjoyable little story. Good work.







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Zack  -  November 24th, 2019, 2:37pm
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StevenClark
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 3:12pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna,

Donít ever remember reading this. Must have missed this OWC.

I liked this a lot. Nice twist and all, sparse and a quick read. Only thing that kinda brings this down is why would she tell Irene that Pedro cheated on her in the first place? (Sorry if youíve answered this already - did not read comments yet) This is actually a sweet little story and I feel the lying part doesnít really add much to this. Kinda takes from it.

Overall, very good.

Steve


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khamanna
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Zack. Thanks for the read. Yeah, I donÔŅĹt like that flashback but donÔŅĹt know how to get rid of it just yet. IÔŅĹm scared of questions.
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khamanna
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for reading, Steven. She knew he was cheating, and thought it could help Irene move on but then took pity in Pedro and decided to lie for him.
Glad you liked it)
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LC
Posted: November 24th, 2019, 11:25pm Report to Moderator
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Kham, nice work... with a few hiccups in the writing/phrasing of dialogue - a couple Dave already pointed out so I won't labour the point.

I personally don't have a problem with the flashback. I suppose the only reason to do a work around with that is if you want to stay with a very low budget and logistics for one location.

I'm going to wait for the next draft (seeing as you said you're doing one) before I had my tuppence, suffice to say I love the idea/story - yes, there is a nice nod to Ghost with this - but you've also made it your own creation.

I've got to say I'm not sold on the title which just seems a little benign to me.

If I come up with an alt I'll suggest it with notes on the next draft.  

P.S. Forgot to say... The title and the phrase Stephanie uses All Are Welcome would work for me more if you describe her character as being quite flamboyant and expressive with her hands, a bit hippy-dippy, incense burning, beaded curtains etc. At the moment I don't think in her thirties, clearly deprived of sleep gives much insight into her character. Just a thought...



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LC  -  November 25th, 2019, 12:29am
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khamanna
Posted: November 25th, 2019, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Libby. Iím gonna use what you said about the psychic. So youíre saying more of a Gypsy weirdo. Iíll think about it. I thought a serious looking woman who dedicated her life to helping others and is tired for that reason. Iíll try to close my eyes and see her. Or maybe visit a psychic or two. My daughter did btw and that led her to a crisis center you know. Which might have been a good thing for her in the long run. But I digress..,
Thanks for the read, Iíll put your comments to use
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MarkItZero
Posted: November 29th, 2019, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
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Khamanna!

So, I like the story a lot. The emotional core is strong, it's a good twist. But I think you spend too much time dancing around it before you dive in. The flashback, even the wait for Irene to enter the building, can be streamlined.

You've got Pedro storming in, furious. The crux of it is, he's upset Irene believes he was unfaithful. He wants Irene to be able to move on with a clear heart.

First words could be something like, "Irene Ketchum. That name ring a bell?".

He accuses Stephania right off the bat of being a charlatan trying to take advantage of a grieving widow. Lying about Pedro's fidelity. He gets more and more upset till she turns the tables...

Reveals Irene's been in the room the whole time. This is all part of the seance or whatever it is.

Hopefully that makes sense. I'm writing this fast cuz I gotta be somewhere. The reveal is more elaborate than it really needs to be is what I'm trying to say. I think...

But I liked it!


That rug really tied the room together.
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khamanna
Posted: December 1st, 2019, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Thanks James for the read and ideas. I get what youíre saying, letís see if Iíll come up with anything regarding that. Iíll certainly try
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Kirsten
Posted: December 3rd, 2019, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Hi Khamanna,

I just wanted to chime in and say I liked the story and the twist. well done...For some reason I couldn't get my head a round the flashback and earring situation. I think it's me because no one else has mentioned that it was confusing. I have fog brain right now so I'm sure it's me.

Look forward to reading the rewrite..

Cheers K.


"Turn that off, our friend has just been killed in a fatal sunlight accident!"....

'What we do in the Shadows.'
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khamanna
Posted: December 4th, 2019, 5:29pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Kirsten. Iím thinking of a way to eliminate the flashback. The psychic doing a research is kind of a stretch. Besides she can use her visions instead, so that part is a def redo!
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Colkurtz8
Posted: December 6th, 2019, 1:12am Report to Moderator
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Khamanna

Conceptually, this has great potential. There are many ways you could develop it into something more substantial.

As it written though, it feels a little talky. A lot of telling and not much showing. I would suggest starting with Stephania amid actually embodying the role she describes for another client without any set up. This immediately gets us asking questions and wondering what is going on before we learn of it. It would feel like a more cinematic/less stagey way of executing the story.

The moral message of Stephania essentially lying to Irene in order to give her happiness or a sense of closure is a curious one. I'm not sure how I feel about it and that's a good thing. Its a genuine conundrum. Still, for such a weighty choice, it can't help feeling glossed over due to the script's brevity.

Have you ever seen Yorgos Lanthimos' (Dogtooth, The Lobster, The Favourite) "Alps"? It has a very similar premise.

Col.


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khamanna
Posted: December 8th, 2019, 12:54pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Col, Iíll have to try to make it less talky. I think Iím starting to know how, I just need to get to the core faster. And like James says quit dancing around it. But letís see, easier said than done.
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khamanna
Posted: December 8th, 2019, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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I want to tell everyone that Iím very appreciative of each and everyoneís feedback! One way or another you really highlighted the problems and gave me ideas how to work them out. No need for reads anymore as I have plenty to work with. I may try different approaches not only one. Thanks again!
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