Passwords by Anonymous - Short, Horror - A boy is harassed by an online opponent. 6 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

That was well written and easy to follow. The future of hacking! Quite a scary thought indeed.

The tone shifts somewhat awkwardly and I found myself wondering why Jesse goes into this virtual nightmare so calmly and plays along as if it is nothing? It starts to shift into a horror mode only for the tone to shift again to light and playful, with the two becoming friends just like that.

I like this future glimpse of gaming, I just think you either need to stick with a tone and rev it up to the max or play the game out longer so they can become friends over a more natural course of events.

The page limit I think forced your hand here though and I encourage you to expand this one out after the challenge.

A good entry, well done.

-Mark  

This was cute!

Well written and an easy read.

Not sure I got a horror or sci-fi vibe from it. It felt a bit safe because any "terror" taking place was in the virtual world. I'm guessing that the boy lives in a "smart house" and Amanda was able to hack into his lighting system, which was the creepiest part of this.

I'm not a gamer at all so this wasn't up my alley however I'm sure there would be plenty of people entertained by this if it was on screen, beyond the parameters of the challenge.

Nice job -

AJR

Hey there, Anonymous! What’s happening in the world of online hacking and such stuff? Got anything on Donny yet? Tax returns? Lord Lucan?? Oh, you’re not that Anonymous, ahhhhh, my apologies.

The script!! Look, it doesn’t fit the parameters. It’d need a decent sized budget and although the tension built like a horror (really well done btw) it then stopped half way and sort of became a romcom.

The above being said, I laughed, I cared about the characters and it was really well written. You built that initial tension soooooo well, I mean it was really expertly done, then it turned fluffy. Not sure why you did it but I for one are glad, and it’s not from a competitive stand point, it’s because I really enjoyed it.

I can’t give it massive marks for the parameter breaking, but it’s something I’d read again and in the hands of a junior animator somewhere could be really fun.

Well done,

Cam

Quoted Text LEONARD55

Towards the end of the script, you forget to add the V.O in a couple of spots.

Okay, it was a nice, cute little story. I’m not sure if it hit the horror genre bar and the future shock element maybe – nothing in it was really something we don’t have technology-wise today.

A complete story that I enjoyed.  Kudos for entering.

I'm not sure that it really ticks the Horror box and his relatively nonchalant reaction when she has to go help her mum felt a little off, but...

I enjoyed this, I'm a sucker for a good meet-cute

PASSWORDS

Not much to add here.

Great title.

El Dave mentioned the missing V.O. s on the last two pages.  Not super confusing, but you definitely need them there.

Lots of character names to follow, but again you made it easy.

The dialog was very good.  

If this was an open genre contest, I feel it would do very well.  I did feel suspense and dread in the virtual world, but like the others said, the story really does a 180 at the end.

Okay, to sum up...

I really liked this a lot.  Maybe too difficult (expensive) to shoot as a short.  However, use this as a starting off point and expand it into an animated feature.  I think you really have a great premise, and your writing skills are definitely up to the challenge.

Well done.

A pleasure to read.

Good luck in the contest.

Horror? Well, I suppose it was tense and fearful

The idea of someone gaining access to your systems, whilst not new, is a powerful aspect. And also could someone’s hacking go too far etc

That the person in control was just messing with him, and a girl of all things !! felt quite a reversal. Was it too much?

I liked the cute meet but something tells me if needed to be a different script, genre - could be a real nice piece

All the best

Hacking and bullying. Very relevant to todays online community, very little sense of danger and not placed too far in the future I would imagine.

Didn't really get any sense of horror either.

Very well written, easy to follow and neat. I enjoyed it.

Well done.

Hi writer,

Yeah, I didn’t see that coming, so… good on you for keeping it elusive till the end. Nice spin too, as opposed to some greasy perv posing as a young girl to lure in naïve kids, it’s actually some mouthy (and seemingly intelligent) hacker tart giving online gamers the gears.

Got the Sci-fi, but the horror angle is lacking. Mind you, if I recall being 12, and having that typical mindset, if someone was lurking and knowing my every move… yeah, that’s creepy/horror type stuff nightmares are born of. Quick fun read on a Sunday aft. Best of luck.

Story: It’s a fun little tale that has a nice twist at the end. Liked how you actually turned some things on their head, including making a female in a gaming world someone with power. Nice commentary there.

Characters: Like both Jesse and Amanda.  They’re written solidly with some humanity to them.

Dialogue:  Very good.  I liked the back and forth not only between Jesse and Leonard/Amanda, but also between Jesse and the computer.

Writing:  Good stuff here. Pretty sharp from beginning to end.

Meeting the challenge:  Light on the horror and maybe also on the sci-fi, but I’ll give it a bit of a pass as I liked the writing so much.

Yeah, this was really good. Flowed well, crisp writing. Built up the tension well and seemed to be a good blend of horror with sci-fi but the twist in the tail moved it away from horror. Not sure if it really meets the parameters of future shock but a really neat idea well executed.

Perhaps if Amanda was actually a bit more unhinged and stalkerish it would have fit the profile better. It might have made more sense for Jesse to be forced into continuing playing in some way – maybe she has hacked some secrets he doesn’t want revealed, or she can manipulate tech in some way that would hurt his parents – but I appreciate that’s a lot to fit into 6 pages.

Loved it. Having your computer take over your home, not just your computer, can definitely ruin your day. The text exchanges were hilarious. And Leonard55 turning out to be 13-year-old Amanda was a nice touch. I can see these two kids joining forces in a full script and battling whatever evil entity is even now plotting the takeover of the virtual world.

That was an easy read. Clean, clear writing from start to finish and the ending wasn't what I expected, which was nice to see.

Good job!

I already don’t buy a 12 year old even know what “pinko lefty fascist” means.

Can’t help but feel like a little more back and forth early would justify this type of reaction. Disagreeing on a video game and calling him stupid isn’t enough, even if you intend for him to be a psychopath.

Ok, so there’s a horror idea in someone being able to control all your tech, but this isn’t it. This almost feels like the beginning of a weird romantic comedy between kids.

Decent thoughts, weird execution. Also tend to be against the "kids that seem way too smart for their age" trope. They could have easily been 15 and not much would have changed.