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The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
So yeah, Nomad's right, a tough set of criteria here. Blondie, actuary is pretty evil. Not just accountant - it had to be actuary?
I wasn't a fan of how your items were used. We were sledge-hammered over the head with the actuarial stuff, and to be honest, I'm not sure what Jessie's talent for algorithms has to do with what he's doing. And I was confused on why the dancers had to pay him based on, what, their measurements? I didn't see any math taking place. The tape measure, I get, it can be sort of part and parcel for this world.
Parameters aside... I think there's only a basic story here. Strip club owner rips off his girls, and then his girls rip him off. I think where this suffers is that Sunny is a stripper for all of about 12 minutes before she decides that Max is a special kind of evil strip club owner. I'm not sure I buy the characters' motivations.
Again, I must've missed something because I never understood why people were paying off Jessie to begin with. I don't care how much you get paid, not many would pay for the opportunity to strip. A percentage off the take? Sure, but not arbitrary actuary assessments.
Yes, there was crime. Lots of money but a stretch to say the root of all evil. A tape measure in a strip club? That's an easy combination to contrive a story. An actuary is basically a risk analyst for an insurance company. Hmmm...I'm still confused.
Yeah this wasn't bad. ticked all the boxes but It just sort of meandered along. More of a vignette show off the variables but, hey, this tourney is a tough gig and we're all dealing with it. I actuary thought there was gonna be some one on one action but I guess the writer ran out of time lol.
I've no idea what an Actuary is so I'll assume you covered this. All the other criteria seemed covered as well and this was a tough set of elements to include, so kudos for that.
Well written, easy to follow. Just not much meat. You spend most of the script showing us Max is leeching money and special favours from all the staff, which is pretty standard stuff. This could be a scene right out of Sopranos and that's the problem - it feels like just enough detail for a scene and not enough for a full story.
Even though the twist is right at the end, you just know it is coming as soon as his son asks him to put some cash into the safe, so no surprises there.
Nothing wrong with what you've written, it's just nothing we've not seen many times before.
Oh, and the name of the file is Prime Cups, which I think is a better name!
-Mark
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Hmm The first one I see that doesn't follow the chosen genre. How's this crime? Only because it's set in a strip club?
The measurement tape is in a scene - and really I couldn't understand what you showed it for. They measure themselves in a strip club. Perhaps. But how it helps the story?
And to talk about the story - so this is about them in a stip club focusing on the money each girl has to give to DJ and three others - twenty dollars that is. And the new girl doesn't have it on her first day. See, the problem is so small that it doesn't hold me in.
I'm sorry. I'm blunt perhaps. Crime stories set in a club are never my thing, so don't take my comment close to heart.
Last page was the payoff. OK,I got it then. Why does Jessie always need to say 'actuary' in his dialog? It's always popping up! Maybe unintentionally funny, but funny none the less.
I was confused by Jessie's gender. Had to double back.
Never did understand the basic actions in the script. He's measuring, they're paying... none of it made sense to me.
And, the only one I feel any sympathy for is Sunny. Maybe it would have worked for me if she were the only one in on the heist. But, I didn't like Jessie, so I was dissapointed that he got a payoff at the end.
Sorry. I just didn't connect with this one.
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An interesting story that has potential. First, though, the author puts Jessie’s age at 35. And he’s just now putting his actuarial knowledge to use? Or did his grudge against Max for the treatment of his mother preclude him from joining his father until now?
The business of measuring the strippers’ worth by using a measuring tape is something I would have expected from a creep like Max. Surely an actuary would use something more scientific?
I don’t know what an actuary does, but I know insurance companies live or die by their accuracy. So I think it would be fun if an insurance company sent an actuary to determine the worth of individual strippers for insurance policies the strip club wants to take out on them.