The Silent Bow Wow by Wills Croft - Crime: Floppy Disk, Bookmaker, Rescue Shelter

I don't see the theme here and yet, you had the opportunity. Rud proves in what he says and does that he didn't take over the animal shelter because he was a good guy or out of obligation to his sister, he used it as an opportunity to use it as a front for his operations.

I think you did want to paint Rud as a tough exterior with a bit of a soft heart but because he names the rescue shelter after his favourite razor and didn't even think to name it after his sister kinda breaks the  blood loyalty aspect, which is a pity.  

There is a lot to like in this script and you pack a lot in, so much I had to read over it twice and I think this would do well with a few more pages.

I love the aspect of using bad pets as a punishment for people who haven't repaid their debts. That is original. There is also some good dialogue and enjoyable banter her eas well which brings the characters to life.

I was going so scold you for having a dog called Floppy Disk as a mega stretch of the parameters until there was a floppy disc inside. However, there is still an issue. He called his dog Floppy Disc from day one. Did he really intend to hide a floppy disc inside the stuffed animal years before his dog died? I don't think so!

I like this, it has potential and I am going to give it points for trying, it's just a pity the theme doesn't quite feel included.

-Mark

Ok...so I read this twice and still couldn't figure out what the crime was. Wasn't till page 4 that something started happening.  Before that we were just meeting characters and listening to them banter.

First part of page 1 was great...your description of RUD and his entrance were awesome.  

I just missed the actual story.

Best of luck.

Wow, 10 characters (including pet names and references) in 5 pages. That was hard to keep track of.

I really liked your writing the first couple pages. Great prose and description of people/places/things. I thought the story was going to center around Ernie since he was so prominent in the first half but then it jumped to a beagle.

Are we to assume the theme is captured by Rud starting an animal shelter for his dead sister? Okay, then.

Really not sure why so many charaters were needed. It could've been streamlined to just a couple to make it flow better.

I would have thought that "floppy disk" could only apply in the historical genre
Abbreviations like Mr and Mrs should be spelled out in dialog. I suppose Ms becomes "Mizz".

Love the little twist describing the Great Dane on page 2. Actually lots of funny bits crammed in here.

This doesn't quite solve the crime, but that's because we had so much fun with Rud that five pages couldn't hold the whole story. Other than that technicality, the variables are all there. What I don't see is the theme: who has a conflict between a "blood" obligation and a "water" obligation?

Hi,

A very, very descriptive script with a lot of characters and lot going on. Whether all the parameters where met is down to someone else to decide.
If I read this right, the animal shelter is a front of sorts for a gambling racket and if the debts aren't paid then instead of violence an animal must be adopted.
For me there is some good dialogue, I could visualise the script easily and I enjoyed the premise of the story.

Well done.

Lots of elements I like in this script and feels like the basis for an Elmore Leonard story, but after the bright opening and clever use of bad pets as a debt control I felt it sort of lost its way a little.

Certainly inventive use of the criteria!

Good effort

Hmm. Lots of interesting detail here and I love the inventive use of Floppy Disk (even though it’s against the rules as I wanted to do the same thing but was told I couldn’t lol!!!).  

This is more of a comedy then crime. Some good writing here but the misuse of the variables may be costly.

So his dying sister was the blood is thicker than water link? Stretching it a bit.

That said, some nice descriptions, very imaginative with the elements and I had a few chuckles.
It went off on a bit of a tangent in a couple of places, but enjoyable nonetheless.

Crime and comedy.

No need to add what others have said, a bit confusing, a few too many characters - extra pages would help

But there is something in this that could stand out.

This torn character Rud, part bad man, part softy, looking after the abandoned animals who then forces them in folk who owe him money

The fact that the old man goes away with a mad cat and not beaten up is a lovely twist.

This is one of the few I think is worth working on

A day at the animal shelter. And it's about the family.
Ernie disapeared later, maybe you don't need him at all.
The sister bit is good  - that addresses the theme.
I'm a bit lost on p 5 -- it's about his brother's boss murder and I think it's what the story is about but it's not.

the story is about Rud, how good and loving he is. Well, another one that's not about a kill and that's harder for this type of assignment. Good of you to dare to be different.

Just forgot to intro MS CASTLE in all caps.

A fair few unfilmables in the first page that add nothing to the story. I have no issue with unfilmables as long as they aid the visual in some way.

Feels like there is a bit too much going on for 5 pages and in all of that I struggled to find the theme at all.

Not to repeat what's been said but I can't find the theme here...

I wanted to like this more than I did because it's inventive but, for me, there was so much frenzied action that I had trouble keeping track of what was happening, and I really lost the overall "happening" as well. And I think the crime is a murder that they solve on page 5?

AJR