Better Late than Never by Double-O Uh-Oh - Dodgeball,  Air Marshal, Daycare Center - Short, Thriller

Good idea for the theme, but the way you reveal there are 2 brothers comes across very forced. Like what would make Yuusuf suddenly reveal this private family story to the receptionist? Pretty odd.

Great use of dodgeball.

#2 simultaneous dialog on page 2 is a bit confusing.

Chunky action blocks and a lot of misspellings.

I do like how you worked the theme in there.

Best of luck, writer.

I struggled with this one. There are some rushed writing and clunky action blocks which makes the reading harder and with so much going on, this adds to the confusion. I thought this was sci-fi at first and this was some dystopian future or something. It is odd but I think it ticks all the boxes.

Great use of the dodge ball and a tough combination of elements!

-Mark

Interesting setup and nice use of dodgeball.

Feels a little rushed though as there's a fair few typos and the like - nothing that an additional pass won't fix.

Yuusuf explaining his back-story feels odd, especially as it seems implied he already knows the Receptionist... who I'd consider naming.

Completely thrown by the revelation on page 3 that there are high profile terrorists upstairs... I thought we were in a daycare centre? Oh, the daycare centre is in an FBI building... hmmm, that might work if it didn't seem to be the least well protected Federal building in the world..

You then have Daahir looking like Mike... I assume you mean Mark but had a name change at some point?

The ending feels rushed and unlikely, but it's difficult with only 5 pages.

good use of the theme. And Dodgeball. You really had a use for all the critera. Nice.

The terrorists attack happening in the middle of the script was kind of sudden.

I also read the feedback here. I think Yuusuf sharing with the Receptionist wasn't our of the ordinary. You mary rewrite that bit, let her ask related questions or something. I understand we have a page limit and that's the reason you had to cram that bit just for us to see some of the backstory.

I think the sudden attack is strange. I liked the boys nick-names for each other at the end. The ending was touching. A bit Bollywoodish though but I still liked it.

Maybe you could let Mark talk to his father a bit more before the attack. Maybe they could talk about his brother.
I think you could have let us a bit in for it to read more intimate and make us care more.

It's a complete story with beginning, middle and end. And you used the criteria well. So, good work.

Note from Don:

I had an issue with the upload, so, if you've read this prior to 11:30 am edt on 7/20, this version is slightly different.  Error entirely mine (and the server).

Don

Fixed broken link.

- Don

Fun use of the parameters. I laughed when I first saw them, but you made it work. The dodgeball bit was great.

There were several lines that I just didn't understand at all. "Most civilians get the numbers wrong." and "How do you even know that? No wonder his friends know." I didn't get what you were going for there.

The ending was fun. The beginning was pretty good. But, I wasn't a fan of most of the action bits.

Overall, I was glad to have read it. Thanks for sharing!

My inner monologue went 'uh-oh' when I saw what you had to work with. Congrats on even figuring something out for this week.

Like some others mentioned, I didn't understand some dialogue blocks with the receptionist (who shall be nameless for some reason). And why is a 15 year old in day care?

You hit all the requisite items. The theme was fairly light though. And where was mom?

Good work, writer.

Good ideas here in a valiant attempt to handle really shitty variables!

Where is  this set?

Look, it became garbled somewhat and I couldn't get into it even after 2 reads. But i'll cut you some slack as your variables were damn horrendous.  And I think your trying to match up the theme with them was too much, especially with the dialogue.

Hope your next 2 rounds give you some 'shit variable' relief!

That dual/duelling dialogue saved you some space, I'm guessing?  

Echo two-fife. Gonna take a minute
to check on everyone here.
She's more than a receptionist, right?

RECEPTIONIST
A delayed dead-man’s switch? That’s
just mean.
Not really buying this dialogue.

(loud)
The dialogue could have done with an exclamation point instead of the wasted line wrylie. I always say don't overdo them but this is a high tension moment.

Why does Yuusuf then put a finger to his lips after he just effectively yelled? I blame it on time constraints, right?

Elements all there.
Theme: tick.

Lovely ending with the touches of humour and dodgeball use.

ok, some good aspects, others need work


I suppose my main observations would be;

clarity - in this dynamic situation make sure you don't lose the reader, I did struggle with some detail

tone - some comments felt out of context consider the building was being assaulted by terrorists whilst young kids were hiding

focus - there are some good aspects in here, like the building being assaulted, and the tension of kids being around - what would you do? but for five pages sometimes you need to choose whats stays, what goes

worth a revision as this could be a tense short

Good script. Nice use of the elements, except for the Air Marshall part. The only reason we know Yuusuf is an air marshall is because he identifies himself as such to the Receptionist. Though Mark was raised by Yuusuf, and Daahir by his wife, the boys look exactly alike except for their hair styles. Mark turned out to be a good kid, and Daahir turned out to be a terrorist. So this is a good example of nurture determining their characters. But this is only one side of the theme: the nature side of the theme is not explored in this story.

Good one. Pretty well told a whole story within the five page limit. Could visualize the action. Same odditirs noticed as already mentioned above. Well done with this.

Hi,

A family caught in the middle of a terrorist attack in a daycare centre, on a dodgeball court, in a federal building, with an Air Marshal.
There is a lot to digest along with this week's challenge and the theme you chose. But I liked the story although as others have pointed out it could do with some clarification of some points, a tidy up of the dialogue and the grammatical errors but overall I think you managed very well.

Well done.