Hugs by Joaquin Baloney - Dog Bone, Fitness Trainer, Bait Shop - Short, Sci fi

Okay, Mr or Mrs or Ms Baloney,

A few jottings I wrote down which obviously you can take or leave, jmho:

I think page count restrictions sometimes affect the rhythm of a read.
I own a gym. His knees are caving.
Ethan? Hi! I’m your sister, Evie.

That dialogue sounds a little stilted where normally you might have a description line in between the two thoughts e.g. She extends her hand -
Ethan? Hi! I'm your sister, Evie
.
Just a guess that you might have been on p.6 if you added that? I know I've stumbled across the same problem, wanting a description line inserted or a new shot and having to combine the two cause of five pages.

DR. ALLAN (55), bearded and bald, sat behind his desk,
'sat behind a desk' not a big deal for me,, fine in dialogue, seen it in Pro scripts from a certain part of the world but grammatically incorrect, (unless in dialogue cause your character speaks however you dictate) and stamps you as being from a certain world region. Meaning I can narrow you down.

others’  other's arms

I'll leave the pedantic stuff there.

EVIE
It’s peaceful. It allows you to
hear what’s going on in your head,
you know? The world goes away.

Very nice line.

Humans should cease to be. The
species evolved incorrectly.
Made me laugh. Stupid humans.

Nice little commentary on the human race.
Nice message.
Lovely weaving of some difficult elements.

More like science v nature but he learns from Evie. Science/genetics, so the theme is there.
He does a quick evolution but that's five pages for you.

Lovely story.

P.S. Turning those CONT'Ds off (except when going over the page) does result in a much cleaner less cluttered read.

Hey, I used Evie in my sci-fi story last week. That's copyright infringement!

Anyway, this is bold and BIG and a bit too big for the 5 pages I think. Needs more room or less jumping back and forth between the agent and the doctor explaining everything for us and Evie/Ethan getting to know each other.

As it is there is unnatural sounding dialogue with a lot of telling so it feels off and jarring. Lots of potential though.

-Mark

This was super interesting. Great use of all the elements. You kept me engaged from beginning to end.

There were a few writing issues throughout but nothing that really stopped me in my tracks.

It did feel rushed in certain parts, especially when troops show up. That was where we really get to see how gentle Ethan is but it was just too fast to feel real.

I did really enjoy this. Nice job, writer!!

A pretty ridiculous premise (waking a super-human and letting the sister take him out for the day?) but it's sci-fi. Logic out the window. The dialogue was quite unnatural too. It took me out of the story at times.

The good news is that it's nice little short that suffered from the 5 page limit (I think). It seemed so very rushed to get to the end. Good work, writer.

This was well-told, and used the parameters well, though I could see is straining against the page limit. One formatting tidbit: the Fitness Trainer should have an age.

"Hi! I'm your sister, Evie." elicits no strong reaction? Reading on, I can see that Ethan being dispassionate is intentional. Just looked like an artifact of the page limit at first.

Not sure how 88% of human knowledge can fit in a human brain (information is doubling every year or so), but it's sci-fi and hand-waving is a proven method of achieving just about anything

Now I need a hug.

Oh, wow what a ride here! A very (very!) interesting idea which I need to be fleshed out as it's much greater of a story to be confined to the 5 page limit.

As a result it felt confusing at moments and my attention kept drifting off.
some dialog is a lot of fun. Overall the dialog read chompy though. I think it's all because the idea is suffocating here.

I really wish to read the rewrite though. Looks like I will like a whole lot more if it was expanded.

That was a diverse set of criteria you managed to fit in there! Well done.

The story feels a little too big for 5 pages to me, and there were some logic issues that slowed me down.

The parts with Dr Allan and Agent Shank didn't work for me though.

But it kept me reading and entertained.

Another sci fi one that needs a SUPER. We're guessing its set about now so give us a JULY 2020 please. And a location.

Good concept that went arse up a bit for me. You had shit variables but the dog bone and bait shop were shoehorned in as an afterthought - the chars just happen to go fishing so of course they need bait, right? Lol

Parts of it are good with Ethan being this super soldier but the variables add nothing to the story.

But these variables are on a par with some of mine so I'll cut you some slack!

Dog Bone, Fitness Trainer, Bait Shop - Short, Sci fi

nice effort, and lovely finish

I think this could be a nice contained short, if the scenes are dialled back, and kept focused - one with a nice message

like many scripts it needs polish and focus. bit wordy in parts and some choices maybe revised afterwards

but a brother/sister meeting/bonding/sharing and helping the boy become human is a decent concept

nice effort for the time

A very ambitious effort. But it raised a number of questions that detracted from the forward momentum of the story. Questions such as:

    P. 2: How do you download information into a human brain? This is sci fi, not fantasy, so some effort must be made to explain something like this.
   P. 2: Dr Allan says Ethan is solution to the day’s problems, like race riots and pandemics. Wouldn’t Agent Shank want to know how Ethan’s supposed to fix those problems? Because if it’s true, then he might have second thoughts about killing him.
   P. 3: Ethan says humans should cease to exist. That the species evolved incorrectly. Instead of agreeing with him,  Evie should want to know on what basis he’s made this decision. And how exactly does he plan to carry out this plan of extermination?
   P. 4: Dr Allan had Rosa (Evie and Ethan’s mother) murdered, and also attempted to murder Evie when she was 4, because apparently a “supreme being” wanted it done. Who is this supreme being?

In the end, Evie’s hugs turn Ethan away from his plan to eliminate the human race. I guess this is Ethan’s true nature triumphing over his nurturing, but this was way too easy a conversion to ring true.

Hi,

An interesting premise, nurturing a baby to become a "God" that could solve all the world's problems, considering what's happening in real life now, God knows we could do with a........well a God.
The dialogue didn't really flow for me and the whole situation seemed a bit stretched but in five pages you did quite well.
Might work if it was stretched out with more backstory and history behind it in a feature length script.

Well done.

A big and interesting concept that could be handled a bit better. Heavy on the dialogue and exposition but almost required to get it all in there.

The writing could definitely use some work.

A script that I think is worth exploring after the WT end. Not a bad effort here.

Alrighty then....

Before I started writing this, I had a twinge of guilt. I like the premise, but the problem with this for me is that I think you've tried to cram 2 gallons into a one gallon can.  Some entertaining moments, and yes, I know the five page limit, so bravo for going big, but I think more pages would do your premise justice. Just my gut reaction. But a very good effort nonetheless. In any event, good luck!

Enough potential to draw this out. Dialog heavy which made feel a bit expositional.

But a nice read that's for sure.

Good luck.