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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Review My Logline  ›  Pimp - logline Moderators: LC
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henb
Posted: October 21st, 2020, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Idea for a new short script. The movie will be super lowbudget and will consist solely of people sending texts on a phone screen.

Pimp (romance, drama)
A friendly, flirtatious young man in love with everyone, women especially, uses dating apps to form relationships that eventually deteriorate.


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Fais85
Posted: October 22nd, 2020, 8:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
will consist solely of people sending texts on a phone screen.

Sounds cool. Reminds me of "Searching (201" and "C U Soon (2020)".


Quoted Text
A friendly, flirtatious young man in love with everyone, women especially, uses dating apps to form relationships that eventually deteriorate.

A flirtatious young man uses dating apps to form relationships that eventually deteriorate.
Probably, this will sound better.

All the best with this.
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Lon
Posted: October 22nd, 2020, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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This is a general concept, not actually a log line. A general concept tells us the status quo; a log line tells us what upsets the status quo, what the main character must overcome, what his goal is and what he stands to win/lose if he fails/succeeds.

There's no apparent conflict in your concept. You say that he uses dating apps to form relationships that eventually deteriorate. That's the status quo. What changes that for him? What happens to upset that status quo? Also, as worded, it makes me wonder, does he intentionally tank these online relationship? If so, why? Is it because deep down he doesn't feel he deserves to be loved? Or is it not that he intentionally tanks them, he just sucks at online dating? Does he meet someone online that he really likes but has no idea how to properly woo? Where's the conflict here? No matter how short, there is no story without conflict.

A log line should be 25-30 words, typically. "A friendly, flirtatious young man in love with everyone, especially women" takes up a lot of space. That's eleven words, leaving you only 14-19 to deliver all those other things that a good log line requires. Be concise. Describe him as accurately as you can with as few words as necessary.

What single word sums up "friendly and flirtatious?" What single word sums up "loves everyone?" Actually, what do you mean by "loves everyone?" Do you mean in a romantic way, or in a gregarious, sociable way? Is he a gregarious single looking for a woman, or is he a flirtatious pansexual looking for anyone? Be clear. You want to intrigue the reader, not confound them.

Here's a template to remind you of what a log line should include:

When (A) happens, a (B) must overcome (C) in order to (D) or (E) will happen.

A = inciting incident
B = main character
C = conflict
D = goal
E = stakes

You don't have to stick to this precise lay out, obviously, but these are the ingredients required for a good log line. Good luck. Keep writing.
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LC
Posted: October 22nd, 2020, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Spot on, Lon.

Hank, I also think something like ' with disastrous consequences' is a whole lot more intriguing and would entice me to read than 'eventually deteriorate' which is a somewhat static conclusion imho. Does your character's mental state deteriorate, leading to...? Do the people he's chatting with all join forces against him?

You need to hook a reader. He chats to a lot of potential dates online and he doesn't succeed. Too broad, too bland.

And the genre is missing.
Is it horror, comedy?
Okay, I see I'm wrong - Romance, Drama? Okay, then it better be scintillating text (dialogue) given it's essentially 'talking heads' - without the heads.  

I think this can be the problem with posting a logline (especially for a Short) when a script is just an idea has not been posted.

Post the script, or at least elaborate on plot, so we can weigh in more specifically.

I think you're on the right track budget wise and filming something during social distancing.

Anthony Cawood wrote a text-only script and filmed it and managed to create suspense, intrigue, etc.
It's a great example and I just read it recently, but alas can't find it.

Ant...?
If he doesn't see this I'll PM him for a link.

P.S. Personally I'm not fond of the title. That said, maybe it suits the script, but at this stage it's too hard to tell.



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 22nd, 2020, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Saw it Libby and thanks for the kind words - don't think I ever posted the actual script as I filmed it myself and improvised a little bit.

Link to the film itself is here though - https://vimeo.com/channels/txtac/

Agree re title, not sure where Pimp fits with what you've described.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: October 22nd, 2020, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Ant!  

Hopefully Hank will chime in again... And take a look at yours.


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EricP
Posted: October 31st, 2020, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from henb
Idea for a new short script. The movie will be super lowbudget and will consist solely of people sending texts on a phone screen.

Pimp (romance, drama)
A friendly, flirtatious young man in love with everyone, women especially, uses dating apps to form relationships that eventually deteriorate.



Hmm, I need to ask you what is the greatest idea being explored in the story. Is it technology or is it the people in the story?

The logline is a way to hook me into the story. I would encourage you to figure out what is the greatest idea you're trying to explore and put that as the selling point in your log-line.

I don't know what your story's about.
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