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Firstly, the formatting bugged the crap out of me.
Thankfully, it was totally worth it. I'm not quite sure if this was a phone call or live chat, but it was pretty cool. This is the first entry I've read that hasn't had any sound effects or background noise, too.
Agree with Anthony that the way you introduced the character Lacie confused me. And also agree with John that the format bugged the crap out of me. And finally, I also agree with them that this is a creative and satisfying story. Good work.
For the purposes of the challenge, the formatting didn't bother me. But, I wouldn't leave it as such otherwise.
Of course, you could easily make this yourself, in which case the formatting doesn't matter one bit.
Thanks for sharing.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Apart from being slightly confused on the last page I totally get it. The formatting, the texting, the mystery. I don't think the last page worked well, turned into a vengeance text and sort of ruined it for me a bit but I liked this nonetheless. Well done.
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
I appreciate the attempt at a new format – thought it was interesting. I did get confused in some places as to whether they were texting or talking (NOTE – finished – no longer confused).
Okay – done – I really liked this a lot. Very clever use of the parameters and a very compelling little story. You get very high marks from me.
Okay, definitely a unique approach to the challenge, it was also creepy and somewhat surreal… communication from beyond the aether.
Because you’re, or Chris for that matter is typing, stilted responses, or second guessing words and thoughts won’t really work, as in:
Is he...can I talk to him?
This is more like conversation and the mind changing gears mid thought, but it only shows once or twice so no biggy. It’s got a ‘When Bad Things Happen to Good People’ book type vibe, so it works for me, but then there’s the Deux ex Machina, the ghost lurking in the machine somewhere that makes it interesting to keep reading… best of luck.
Don't have too much to add other than I enjoyed it, and the twist. The format didn't bother me as it worked for what it was.
Not sure what was happening at the end. A quick google for the translation and I get something like "you may enter" so has he just given her permission to enter his body? I wouldn't know the translation without googling it though.
For some reason it didn't get to me like I think it could - with some tweaks. I get that it's text only.
Even texting is not done in a vacuum though. Sometimes it's effective on its own, but... My advice, which obviously you can take or leave, is add some atmosphere and some sound effects. It felt lacking in another dimension.
I liked the Chili Peppers joke.
It took a bit long getting there for me.
This: Pleasevggggg etc. The words at the end should freak me out, but they didn't.
If this is an "audio" challenge, what are we going to hear? Clicking on a keyboard? If they were talking back and forth I think I would be much more on board with it. I understand the format, it basically looks like your texts on a cellphone. So it's clever, and unique, but again, not within the scope of the challenge.
I also feel like I've seen this type of story done before, but I did like the twist at the end, so good job there. Overall, a good effort, just doesn't meet the challenge in my mind. Best of luck with it.
Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned