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Well, I always liked Green Acres and Petticoat Junction, so this was like old home week for me.
I got a little thrown by the kid's name. Eg? E.G.? That and how did he kick up a cloud of sand at the bottom of the water tower? I'm being nit picky, I know.
Was a fun story, a little thin, but who cares, and enjoyed splashing around with the girls. A creative way to help eg escape as well. Good job here.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Um, teen comedies seem to me the most difficult of genres to write and critique. You can only go on your gut reaction and here's mine: I thought it was decent, but it just didn't exactly grip me. Didn't find the characters too interesting. That aside...teen comedies are not my bag. High school was hell for me. So take my comments with a grain of salt. Best of Irish luck! -A
Definitely a quirky take on the theme, thought Opie Taylor, and/or Barney Fife were gonna done come around soon enough, lol. I actually knew a chick named Bambie-Lynn back in the day… still do I guess, just haven’t seen her in years.
Anyway, yeah… fun take on the whole ‘trapped with no way out’. Seems like a lot of work to catch a glimpse of the local triplets (assuming they’re triplets) in the nude, mind you raging hormones will do that to a boy… make them ‘retarted’; that be the Urban Dictionary meaning of the word:
Retarted: A person with an outwardly dominant, masculine, or aggressive personality, but who also enthusiastically takes on the submissive or "bottom" role in the bedroom.
In this case, the bottom of a water tower sucking on a garden hose to stay alive. Reminded me of the Dukes of Hazzard for no apparent reason, except it’s a good, clean, wholesome way to spend a Saturday afternoon down at the ol’ watering hole… with Daisy, of course. Best of luck.
Entertaining scenario. I understand that their language should be a contrast to their appearance. Tough job. Sometimes it worked other times it seemed like too much, but overall very nicely done! Poor lad.
The opening reads like prose. Sort of a lazy afternoon folktale. Lake Wobegone? But an amusing tale and and joyful character names. Eg is the man. Found myself wanting to turn back the age clock and spy on those lasses myself.
"Eg’s body stiffens when he sees Barbie Jo’s boobies unleashed." Thank you for that.
Funny concept, but this one's a miss for me. Dialog just feels off. And the writing itself is pretty sloppy, particularly on the last page. No idea what the hell was happening at the end.
But that line I mentioned got a big laugh outta' me. So great job there! A solid 72-hour effort. Good work.
Notes: Love the concept but I think the execution could’ve been simpler. It could’ve taken place between two rooms, a peep hole, and then the girls just beat the hell out of the peeper. Lol. 2.5 pages the max lol. Just a suggestion.
Hope this helps, Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Not much of a story here, but I enjoyed the description. I wouldn't mind seeing the ladies when he sees wearing only their "skimpies." The ending could use a better wrap up. Maybe the girls see Eg come down from the water tower and run home wearing Barbie Jo's bra. That would be a hoot.
I like this one, I can almost see the girls as they speak, I like how you wrote this, it's like the choice of language fits the theme. Reminds me a bit of a dux of hazard type of scenario, or the little I remember of that show. Not much to critique. Those girls use some big words, but I think it Adds to their character. Maybe the writing could be trimmed back a bit but that's part of the charm IMO. Nice work.