The Grave Little Toaster by Walt Disney - Short, Comedy - Four slices of heaven become a night from hell! 3 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi Walt Disney,

Funny story here. Er, if you'd call it a story. The characters reacted so dramatically and the writing was so satirical that I forgot about any story that could've existed and was solely focused on how goofy this was. My only thing is that I totally thought Hanna and William were parents and Barbara and Joseph were their kids for some reason. Then Barbara says they're her friends. Are these all roommates? Ah, who cares!

Though you have made me eye my

4 SLICE TOASTER ON THE HIGH QUALITY MARBLE COUNTER TOP

since reading this story.

Sean

When introing characters and specifying age, you used mid twenties and 20s, imho it's best to pick one format and use it consistently.

Hmm, so normally 'manscaped' means they have trimmed their body hair, below the head, and for men this is usually the genital area... so are William and Joseph both naked?

Hanna randomly goes (O.S.), but not sure why.

Points crazily and then stares crazily, I'd swp one round.

Okay, that was quite fun even if the curse felt a bit shoe horned.

EDIT: You did manage to get the midnight element in too!

Okay, so you got it written, submitted, and It's formatted better than my rusty script. But at just 4 pages, it does not have the length to really go anywhere.

SPOILER SUGGESTIONS

It'd help to show what happened to William at the beginning, perhaps with him mocking the curse.

Then that one bitch comes along to disprove the curse,

Only for it to turn out William is now a zombie.

Ahoy writer,

Haha! Well I liked the punchline. My takeaway - maybe I missed it -- nope - nada - nein - no. Like a previous reviewer stated - the curse was shoehorned in. This almost feels like an SNL skit. Or maybe it was. Wish you had done a bit more with it. Anywaz, best of Irish luck!-A

Hi There. Ok... Well... this one was like AC/DC, and then an abrupt short circuit. The scenes were DC, the dialogue was AC (at best), the ending was the short circuit. Overall, the story had potential and finally fell into the dark due to an electrical outage. Toasted!

It's a fun little halloween story. Not much to say as it is, however, I feel that the curse exposition would've been written a little better. Maybe a little more subtle.

Good luck.

I liked it! Well written and even though (as the email confirms!) it's a pisstake, it's written really vividly for filming! So am curious to see your other work

I liked the cursed toaster idea! It was a really cute idea. Not sure by the ending if it was not real but I thought the script was cute. Nice job!

I'm all for a three-pager, especially when there are quite a few entries to read. Kudos for that.

I liked it and it's well-written for sure but when it's so short it lacks a little bit of plot and build-up etc.

Felt a little bit like a comedy sketch or a long played-out joke - a good one, don't get me wrong, but I'm on the fence as to whether it meets the challenge parameters. As it was clever and fun, so I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt on that.

Well done.

Writer,

I was pre-hating this script because of all the early reads, but this was pretty good. A little over the top and a little too cute at times (what’s with the bolded name? Is that a new thing?), but overall a good effort.

Steve

My favorite of the scripts I've read so far.  Yes, it's really short, but I loved that it had a cute twist at the end and no graphic violence (but that's just me).  This would make a great SNL skit.  Good job and thanks for sharing!

I cannot stop laughing at "manscaped".

The overt Scooby Doo references and covert ones (characters named "hanna" and "barbara") are kind of cute.

Funny enough, I don't ever really know what to say about shorts under 5 pages.

This was fun. On screen and the writing! Great title too.

It was so overdramatic, it was great. I giggled quite a bit which is great for three pages.

I bet you someone will hit you up and ask for permission to shoot it. In fact, I wouldn't mind myself. It's a fun little piece.  

Hey, Walt!
(Disney, not White).

I cannot let this (below) pass, it's just not in my nature:
Half a bagel lay on the counter
You know this is just plain wrong, right? On more than one count.

I thought Joseph (the way you described him) was alive at first, then dead, then raised from the dead, apparently. Speaking of, I like Robert's suggestion of zombies. Anyway, my point was it raised a chuckle.

FYI: The nifty inclusions/descriptions that raised an additional smile - Upper middle class, quality marble countertops etc., will go unnoticed unless they're SUPERIMPOSED, or included in dialogue.  There's an idea.

You could have on one hand done more with this, on the other hand you played it wisely and didn't overstay your welcome.

I look forward to more from pisstake productions.