Crypto Conundrum (was Life Well Lived) by JtF (JtF) writing as Gnome dePlume - Short, Sci Fi - After a botched Crypto-DNA regeneration process performed beneath Disneyland, Xena returns to offer hope. 7 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

It is an interesting take to right a short based on the UL of Walt Disney's Frozen Head and it was a nice opening establishing shot showing this. However, the rest of the tale has nothing to do with Walt's head at all. It is a sci-fi short story mixed with elements of a shooting script which kept on bringing me out of the story.

You have a great imagination and I feel like this would make a fantastic, longer piece of prose if you had the time to flesh it out. As it is, it feels rushed and the link to the UL it is based on tenous at best.

You did a lot in 6 pages though, that was impressive.

-Mark

Well, nothing is unfilmable these days, but this surely won't be a shoestring short!

Very interesting but I'm not sure I really understood it either. The banter between Xena and Danny could use some work, me thinks. It was all so much, in so little. I think there is definitely something worth further effort in this, given some time.

Think about it, give it a rewrite or two, and submit this again. I'd love to better understand where you were going with this.

Gnome dePlume,

While I agree with Mark and JE, I enjoyed this for what it was, for the writing, but the story itself let me down. Yes, it didn't do much with the legend of Walt's head, and there was A LOT in so little amount of pages. I kind of got lost in your writing, which was fantastic in description. And I, for one, enjoyed the dialogue between Danny and Xena.

By the end, however, I was somewhat lost as to what happened. I can't wait to see your explanation for this story, should you provide it.

Great writing,

Sean

Always respect a stab at the more bizarro legends. There was a subtle dark humor throughout this I enjoyed. “Funny, she always hated the cold� really worked for me. This was different. Very creative. I dug it! Nice job!

Okay, so we start by referencing the UL but then mostly ignoring it.

There was plenty you could have done with old Walt, but c'est la vie.

The story you did decide to tell is just a scifi riff on crogenics, a little too OTN to be engaging and the dialogue unrealistic, need some more work to be effective.

Well done on getting one in.

I kind of have to jump on the bandwagon with the others in thinking that this had little to do with the frozen head of Walt Disney - other than the notion of some sort of cryogenics.  Having said that, the level of writing and descriptives is beautiful.  You are a master at creating a scene, although as JE points out above, this would be another level above inexpensive to shoot.  Again, a whole lot of writing talent on display here.  Thanks for submitting to the OWC.  Enjoyed the read.  

Aside from not having much to do story-wise with Walt's head, this has some interesting concepts in it. Compared to humans, sequoias are immortal. I suspect that depending on what mushrooms one ingests, they could provide some great conversation. Think of all they have lived through.

This story also reminded me of a comic routine I used to do where I told people who believed in reincarnation that I wanted to come back as a pond. It's a similar train of thought regarding immortality.

I could see this having a strong fan following in Greenwich Village and in San Fransisco. Pretty trippy with the way the black hole gives way to a new, slightly different universe. I liked the story but I have to agree that it's not quite urban legend material.

Nice start but then it became hard to follow. The whole futuristic theme doesn't quite relate to the urban legend here. Still, it was an interesting read.

This was supposed to be a story about Frozen Walt Disney, however I don't feel like it really ever got there. The story devolves into a Zena.

For me it was a fun story, however had some long action descriptions.

You did however accomplish a lot in such a short amount of time to write out this challenge.

Ok, wow… that’s quite the sci-fi scenario going on, so much to the extent that I got so lost in the story that I forgot it had anything to do with an urban legend, vis à vis… Walt’s frozen head.

I heard rumors of the whole cryo/frozen head thing previously but wasn’t sure to what extent it was fiction or not, simply because most of our current technology (available to the general populus) is throwaway tech from the deep state, or a shadow governments’ military industrial complex.

Meaning, we have access to shit that is considered antiquated to them now… so Walt, being part of that whole big club that we ain’t, just might be tucked in a freezer somewhere waiting for the right time to emerge.

With respect to the challenge, the story feels like a piece of a bigger project, much bigger. If Zena was able to thaw out, so to speak, fifty years later and become part of an enormous creature (the sequoia), then why wasn’t Walt brought back on the scene as well to encapsulate on the theme of the challenge?

Walt’s apartment in Disneyland was/is apparently above the Fire Station, and they keep a lamp on (in the window) to this day, suggesting he’s still at it, working tirelessly to perfect his utopian dream.

Simply having someone move around in front of that window would be a curious angle that could have worked to indicate he’s been resurrected from the cryo chamber. Opinion of course, just thinking out loud

Think I’m missing some key information here to tie it all together. Imaginative for sure but went over my head as to what the urban legend connection was. Best of luck.

Ahoy Gnome -- I luv your ambition here and all, but it just went off the rails for me... I... I had hoped you'd keep it exclusively to Walt Disney's UL, and really really spin it; for instance, yup, we know it's fiction, but it turns out to  be true, or his spirit haunts the place, whatever. Anywaz, not bad. Fun read for sure. Best of Irish luck! -A

Hi there, Gnome.

FADE IN should be placed on the right, not the left.

The messy writing makes this one very hard to get into. Far too many directions. Missing punctuation. Some odd uses of capitalization. No clue what I'm supposed to be seeing at the start. Lots of telling when you need to be showing.

WRITTEN should be SUPERIMPOSE

Story and characters aren't doing it for me either, unfortunately. Sci-fi isn't really my genre, so take that with a grain of salt.

Sorry, but this one's just not for me. Best of luck with it.

Sci-fi would be the least favourite of my genres but I found the script to be a clean read.

Have to agree with others that the Walt Disney thing was a bit off putting. Is it even needed?

Cant argue about structure layout so thanks for the read!

Damien

Walt Disney's frozen head. Now, that's a classic!

FADE IN goes on the left.

Whoa! There's literally no way you'd be allowed to film this. You would get C&D'd to hell and back!

Is this the prequel to Xena: Warrior Princess?

Quoted Text Funny, she always hated the cold.

I guess she figured the cold never bothered her anyway.

Quoted Text SPACE - THE MILKY WAY: -

This slug reads funny, and actually reminds me of an episode of Space Ghost: Coast to Coast.

This is starting to sound like 2001. Funny, The Shining is on BBC America right now.

WRITTEN should be SUPER.

What's a palmcom?

Now there's a surrealist twice I didn't see coming!

*Spoiler*

So... this is kind of like Transcendence (2014)? My energy starting dropping while reading this, but that's a me problem.

The writing was good. Nice story.