Monsters Among Us by Mats Rumbum - Two men execute a carefully planned abduction - only to see it unravel into a waking nightmare.  Short, Horror, Thriller

Mr Rumbum,

Nice effort. I do think your V.O. and O.S. directions were a little unnecessary and I'm not convinced those creative choices added anything to what we were looking at... If that makes sense.

It was only when I got to the end that I realised why all the mentions of the moonlight. At one point I was thinking: we get it it, full moon. I didn't twig to the significance though so your twist worked but at the same time it was a little underwhelming.

I thought this (below) was a bit of a daft choice but I get that you didn't want to give away the twist.

CLAY
We should use the chains.

JACK
Why? She’s not going anywhere.

Knowing what they do know about her it seems odd they'd make the choice not to chain her up and that appeared to be more so that the reader wouldn't forecast the the twist.

From a dramatic point of view I think it'd be far more exciting, terrifying, and visual for an audience if she was first chained up and broke through those chains as if they were matchsticks.

CLAY
No. I told you — I’m not killing
anyone on camera.

Finally I don't get that. ^ Wasn't it the whole point and that they're being paid a lot of money to do just that?

In a rewrite, play it straight - one mention of the moon and of night falling will do. Ramp up the nastiness of the guys as deflection but also if one them perhaps being fearful or at least nervous about what they're about to do. Perhaps include some unsavoury dialogue between them in general about young women, maybe a discussion about desperately needing money. Also some dialogue of 'innocent' Sadie begging for her life would add too when you do finally pull the rug. I'll be interested to read other feedback cause there are lots of clues including the title and the silver bullet.

The premise is terrific.
And I enjoyed it.

Last read for the night...#4.

So, the good news - of my first 4 reads, this is by far the best.

The not so good news - Although the fact that these 2 are actually hunting werewolves is somewhat of a twist, it doesn't come off like a twist, as it's very obvious Sadie is going to turn into a werewolf, and maybe that's what you were going for.  I don't know.

Your writing is mostly solid and elegant even at times.  I think this must have been a rush, as there are mistakes all over that I bet you don't make when you have more time.

Slugs aren't good and ending literally every single one with either DAY or NIGHT  just doesn't work here.  Mini's would help once inside the Farmhouse, but  think about LATER and MOMENTS LATER to show time passing.  The INT/EXT Slug ain't good, and you use CAR instead of VAN.  Some of these very generic Slugs aren't even right if you think about it, because...well...they're just too generic and you have action taking place in definitely different areas of these generic Slugs.

Scene aren't set well, either, which just makes for a much more difficult read.  Clay appears in the basement on Page 3, and Jack's the one opening the basement door, then he's on the stairs, then, all of a sudden, he's throwing Sadie down on the bed.  And, whose eyes are darting and whom are they darting between?

Listen, I like the premise, I just was hoping for a lot more, and because this is so action/description heavy, I expected a lot more.  Things just seem to go along too easy, which for me, at least kinda kills the potential tension.

Good job entering...and good job writing some horror.

Dear Mats,
this is very cleverly constructed. Although the answer is the first four words -- my hackles were up on the premise (and having read Will Dean's - The last thing to burn about two months ago). Just the right amount of hints and filtered moonlight. The detail of the incarceration - why so much for a little girl and finally the twist. Our villans are heroes . . . . Great stuff --

Solid script. The twist ending didn't quite land for me as it seemed clear to me this wasn't just an average girl they were kidnapping. I think with more dialogue that has the perps sounding like kidnappers but in retrospect, are hunting things, would've made the reveal land even better. Sadie never reacted me as a full-on, innocent girl and I think that was the undoing of the twist's impact.

Outside of some slugline issues and the overly descriptive times of day, I think this is well-written and has potential with a polish.

Immeadiately confused, is Jack responding to Clay's VO? reads like that, but surely it wouldn't be VO if that was the case?

But the rest of the script reads well, sets up the ending effectively and even though it feels a little telegraphed I went with it.

My real gripe is that I think you can't decide on the end twist(s) as you both imply this is a Red Room scenario, but then the real reveal happens - but then you flip back to people peaying good money to see it, just feels messy, pick one of them maybe?

Good effort though

i like the premise, though the plot twist is predictable. i think it'd be more effective if the guys were sleazier and there was more to make sadie seem innocent (like begging for her life).

You gave us many clues, right from the start. We either picked up on them or we didn't. Your very first line focusing on the silver bullet had me thinking werewolf but it was quickly forgotten as the story went on.

A rewrite would do wonders and I hope you take the suggestions from the comments/suggestions. This has promise. Just don't be so eager to give it away.

Good work, writer.

This one's gaining steam, so I figured I'd see what it's all about.

Silver bullet. Is this what I think it is?

You mention Clay before you introduce him. Not sure if the screenwriting gods allow this, but I will, as Clay is clearly off screen.

Jack and Clay are creepy already.

Called it! Is Rick Baker available?

Some frighteningly good writing here. Clearly an old pro.

Congrats on entering.

I feel like this might work better from the girl's POV ? or at least if she were more of a player here beyond "vulnerable human trafficked type girl." sure, the twist justifies the choices, in a manner of speaking -- it makes sense by the end, but the build up has me occasionally scratching my head, wondering why we're watching such a mundane kidnapping scenario play out. when your hook is "saved" for the reveal, it means we spend much of the buildup experiencing the worst version of this movie until the reveal "rectifies" it. this isn't a generic kidnapping movie, but that detail is held off till the very end.

I'll admit I did kind of see the twist coming -- and maybe it's my brain doing the machinations, anticipating a turn, but because the kidnappers are situated at the forefront, we're seeing from their subjectivity. we maybe even subconsciously expect to be on their side somehow. I kept waiting for a one-two punch, the reveal we expect, and maybe another little twist for good measure -- but it played out like I anticipated.

there is a nice momentum to this. you get in and get out fast, and I appreciate that you give us a real finale and don't linger around after the fact. a lesser writer would've dragged the ending out or given us a bunch of exposition, but you relied on the strength of the visuals and didn't drag it out past that. ends on a definite high note.

Ok, tidy stuff, even if not my thing.

Monster appearing from nowhere, which i feel this is, doesn't land for me, but does for others.

Nice writing though. Dynamic, understood where we were etc. a couple of lines seemed, at the time, redundant like she wont knows its coming etc but overall i felt an assured hand was at the tiller.

I didn’t really feel any foreshadowing which felt necessary.

My final sense was this could be a lot more - could be worth expanding.

Sound entry.

Hey Writer,

Brilliantly written - I can learn a lot from how you handle your tense action passages.

My favourite entry so far and will be surprised if it's topped.

A real joy to read, thank you.

Would be a blast on screen too.

Oh my!  I didn’t read all the comments so I definitely did not dream what the deal was. I was thinking they were a couple of pervert child traffickers or something. This was amazing. The writing is top notch. Full stop. I learned a couple things just from reading. Thank you for excellence  on display here , Writer.

P. S. Now I’m going back to re-read to see if I missed subtle clues. I really hope someone grabs this up to produce. 😊

This was a good story.  Double twist.  

Spoilers:

I love this forshadowing - "they hogtie Sadie with zip ties. Quick. Practiced."

nice forshadowing: "Moonlight glows across the treetops lining the horizon."
"Moonlight filters in — faint, but growing."  Not sure how you would show this, but it's a cool line.

Always use chains.  Always.

That they fumble the kill and didn't use chains has me wondering if they have done this before or not.  Great at kidnapping, not so great killing werewolves.

What I like, but annoys me, is the ambiguity at the end.  This is a good cliff hanger.  Are Jack and Clay 'good' guys? or 'bad' guys? Are they motivated by money? Or riding the world of werewolves?  What is their motivation? Sadie and her like, are they good? bad?  neither? Only acting on instinct?

These are questions that needs answers.  

A director could have a lot of fun with this. The way you went from her being a victim to the men possibly being victims to the killers being heroes that save us all made this more of a double twist. Putting this on video would be a fun project.