Odds of Love, The by Mike Shelton - Comedy, Drama - Newton Lawler is 31, single, and sick and tired of his family getting on him about it until he meets Sara.  Will their love last or will the past come back to haunt them? 105 - doc, format

I wrote this script as a first draft about three years ago, and figured I would put it on here to get some opinions before going back to edit.  My format is out of whack, but I find that I can write more fluidly and fend off blocks if my initial copy is done this way, since I can always go back and format properly.  Enjoy, and I look forward to your critiques.

Hey Mike, as promised I started cranking into this and just a few things to start with:

-The dialogue for the most part is pretty solid, but you may want to try chizzling some of those chunks.
-After going psycho on Barry, Newton says "Oh man I'm sorry....I figured you were going to ask me about my bachelorism."  Don't state the obvious in the dialogue, try to work around that like have him fumble with words or something.
-When he exits the party and looks into the restaurant window, he says "why can't I have that?I don't think I'm asking for much.  It's not like I want to be Superman or anything."  Unless he's talking to someone or it's a V.O., him talking out loud to himself like that probably won't work.  Just have him say "Why can't I have that?" with a grunt or something.

That's the nitpick stuff, overall the dialogue is very humorous and well written.  I promise to finish this up and get a full review by Sunday at the latest.  Good job so far though!

Greg,

Thanks for your comments so far.  I know what you mean about the thing with Barry.  I thought it seemed a little forced myself when I reread it recently.  As far as the talking to himself while looking in the window, it's somewhat required.  Once you get a little further in you'll see what I mean.

Concept: Since pretty much every romantic comedy has been done, your concept isn't 110% original, but your execution is what makes this story work so well.

Dialogue: This is easily the best part of your script.  The dialogue is rich, well written, moves along very well, little to no stiffness.  There were countless occasions where you could have mushed up the wording, but instead went for something quirky which I personally prefer.

Characters:  You could go a little more into Sara's and Newton's Dad's character.  Their dialogue explains who they are, but I just didn't feel too deep with them.  Newton is one heck of a guy with one heck of a name, so good selection there and Carl...well there's no way anyone can dislike Carl, hilarious character.

The Gags: This script was dazzled with clever lines and sometimes flat out hilarious dialogue.  "Did you have dinner?"  "No I had two breakfasts."  It's stuff like that that makes these scripts more enjoyable.  One suggestion I have is to limit the usage of the F word.  You use it a certain amount of times in here so if made into a film, it would be R, and since there's nothing completely raunchy in here, it would appeal to a limited audience, so I'd limit the F word to 2 at most.  One that you have to keep in is where Newton is at his office and everyone is staring at him.  Great scene!

Format:  I'll be blunt, this was a pain in the ass to read because this is a hard format to not zone out on, and 123 pages makes it irritable at times.  I know that you said this was an early draft and using this format is helpful for you, but chances are a very limited few will want to read an ill-formatted 123 page script.  Not being mean, just the hard truth.

Overall: So, I'm not normally a fan of romantic comedies, but this one is an exception because of its witty and clever dialogue.  That's what really saves this from being another "I like you, you like me" kind of things.  Anyway, strongly consider reformatting and then submit it again and you'll probably get more reviews.  

Good job!

Greg,

Thanks a bunch for such an in depth review.  I will definitely be going back to reformat and edit once I finish the Jack Amsterdam script I started working on last week.  I think I may have to make some serious cuts though since it would probably end up being about 200 pages in proper format.

Mike,

I've read the first 30 pages and I'm enjoying it so far.

The format is a pain but I won't dwell on it. However, weighing in at 123 pages, I have a feeling this would be much longer in conventional format so you'll probably need to cut down on the overall length when you rewrite.

The dialogue is excellent so far. I love Newton's dad, absolutely hilarious. Although the dialogue is your strong point, it does get a little "talky" at times. In the first scene with Carl you're repeating information about how Newton met Sara. We've already seen this so it's kind of redundant. The conversation is great but perhaps you could arrive later once the information has already been revealed.

I'm a sucker for visuals and this is a very dialogue-driven piece. I'd like to see the longer dialogue sections broken up with brief visual descriptions. I'm always put off when I read through a script that is almost entirely dialogue.

So far the set up is great and I look forward to reading the rest when I have time.

Martin,

Thanks for the feedback so far.  This story is definitely going to be cut and changed pretty soon, due to length and since I don't really care for where the story ends up going.  I won't give anything away since you're only thirty pages in, but I'll just say it won't be as dark.

SPOILERS

I see what you mean about dark. Sara's speech was unexpected and felt quite out of place, especially with the revelation coming at the dinner table. I think she lays it on a little thick. Perhaps you could tone it down.

A little continuity. She says she's never told anyone the truth before but then explains that every guy she's dated was scared off by the story.

Pg 93. You maybe missed a beat here with Newt's Dad and phobias. Homophobia?

It takes a leap of faith to believe Vincent could impersonate Newton on the phone, especially when she knows it's his bachelor party. You attempt to explain this in dialogue later but it still didn't work for me.

Page 107. The exchange with the doctor rings false.

Newton:  Any evidence of sexual abuse?

Dr. Wilson: No none

Newton: (lets out a sigh of relief)

His question and subsequent reaction are out of place given the news he's just heard.

Sara's letter didn't work for me either. Wouldn't Lizzie be suspicious that she gave her a letter "in case anything happened".

You got me with the hearse thing. I totally fell for it. Nice touch.

Your epliogue goes on too long. Maybe you could end it right after the wedding.

Overall, this script has a lot of potential. I'm not a fan of rom-coms but this was funny enough to keep my attention and you didn't lay on the cheese too thick so kudos for that.

You have some great material here but you need to be brutal with your cuts to get this down to a reasonable length. In my opinion, the third act needs the most work. Rethink the Vincent phone-call scenario, try to lighten things up a bit after Sara is attacked, tell us who killed Vincent (did I miss that? Is it important?). In general, you can cut out a few scenes where information is repeated by the characters.

I enjoyed reading this. You're dialogue is definitely your strong point and you have some strong characters. Good luck with the rewrite

Martin,

Thanks for finishing it up and for the great feedback.

She says she's never told anyone the truth before but then explains that every guy she's dated was scared off by the story.(I think I fell victim to my own rambling here.)

Pg 93. You maybe missed a beat here with Newt's Dad and phobias. Homophobia?(I bypassed it to go for something a little more off the wall in terms of laughs)

It takes a leap of faith to believe Vincent could impersonate Newton on the phone, especially when she knows it's his bachelor party. You attempt to explain this in dialogue later but it still didn't work for me.(Pretty dumb, I'll agree.  Something definitely needs to be done there.)

I'll try to lump everything from here on out together since they all seem to be related to Sara's problem.  I think I really rushed things and probably tried to put too much info into the last half of the script.  In my rewrite, I am intending to go back and change the entire rationale for the "break" between them, and I hope to really strenghten up Sara's character since she's, as my wife says, pathetic.  In doing so I will probably eliminate the Vincent character as well (In answer to your question, and if memory serves correctly, the cops shot him).  

I'm glad that you fell for the hearse, since that was one of the first things I came up with when I conjured up the outline.  You think I should remove the ending with the paper?  I thought it tied in nicely with his job, and ended things on a positive note.

I'm hoping to start the rewrite sometime this week, and I do have a pretty good idea of what I need to cut and change, so I should finish rather quickly.  At that time I will submit a revised edition that hopefully makes more sense throughout, for me anyway.  Ha Ha Ha.  Thanks again.

Quoted from Shelton  You think I should remove the ending with the paper?  I thought it tied in nicely with his job, and ended things on a positive note.

It just thought the wedding would be the natural place to end it, creating a nice parallel to the opening scene. I liked the idea with the article but it felt a bit tagged on.

I'm not sure you need to remove the Vincent character but if you have a better idea then great. I didn't see him as a problem and I really enjoyed the scene where he showed up at the restaurant.

After just reading your post, an idea for him struck me, so he will be back in the rewrite, just a little revamped.

hey, Should I read this now or wait for the re-write?  I really want to read it, but not if a better ones going to come out in a week.

Well it's a little long right now and out of whack.  If you're looking for something shorter and cleaner I would wait for the rewrite, which will also be a little more upbeat, though not too much.

The Jack A script should be posted soon if you'd rather check that out in the meantime.

sure Ill give it a read.