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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  The Odds of Love Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Odds of Love  (currently 7075 views)
Shelton
Posted: October 16th, 2006, 9:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm working on it now.


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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coffee
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Oh cool!

When do you hope to have it finished? I'm anxious to read it.

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Shelton
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hopefully not terribly long.  I've been working on it off and on for a bit now when I have time, but time is becoming more fo a precious commodity lately.

I'll send you a PM when I finish, and I can email it if you have some time to read it.


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coffee
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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no problem Mike, good things take time, well sometimes... lol

yeah, email it to me. As I said before I really want to read it.... Should I just read the old draft or would you suggest I wait?

Jay
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Shelton
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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If you're looking for something on the lighter side, I'd wait.  The current posted draft is quite different than the one forthcoming.  I'd venture to say that they are entirely different scripts utilizing the same characters and some of the basic structure.


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rjw8625
Posted: October 18th, 2006, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Mike,

I'd be interested in seeing this new draft as well.

-Bob


My scripts

Can Grab - (Short)

In Development

Logan St. - Feature length Drama examining the collegiate life.

Fortnight - Short drama chronicling two weeks in the personal and professional life of a young woman.

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Carving Dragon Productions
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tonkatough
Posted: November 23rd, 2006, 7:29am Report to Moderator
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Oh man, I could read your dialouge all day. You write great dilouge that is true to the character and flows naturaly

The story for this reminds me of Fairy Floss. Light, fluffy, airy with very lttle substance. Newton and Sara where dull, sentimental and their romantacised ideals of love and relationships was sweet but kind of childish. If it was me, I would have been scrambling over the pretty, lithe girl to get to the full figured nymphomaniac and form a permanent relationship with her. but hey that's just me. (i found Liz a far more fascinating, enjoyable and sexy character than goody two shoe Sara.)

Tank was a cool character and love the part when gets his revenge on Carl for stealing his bottle of Southern comfort. That was gold.

The meeting of the two leads was a clique and I recall pulling you up for this in another romantic script you wrote. That's twice now. Are you just obeying the rules of romantic genre or are you just a little lazy? Cliques are not a good thing to rely on as they stifle creativity.

While you have mastered dialouge your plot is weak for this story. The first 70 psges feel like one slow first act. There is no conlfict or nothing until Vincent comes into the picture. Vincent was awesome and should have been introduced at the begining and utilised more to create conflict and dllemma.

Zen and Fury was still my favourite of your scripts and I hope one day you will have another crack at something similar to that again.


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Shelton
Posted: November 23rd, 2006, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Tonka,

Thanks for reading it.  I am in the process of a new draft on this one, and it's totally different.  You'll probably be disappointed to hear that Vincent doesn't even appear in it, although the conflict starts a little earlier and goes full blast later in the script.

This was actually the first script I wrote, and i think I ended up going for more of a realistic feel than hitting plot points and what not.  It's more in tune with the beginning of just about everybody's relationships.  What really goes wrong?  What problems do people have?  From what I've seen, not may, as most people are too busy trying to paint themselves as the perfect partner in an attempt to suck them in, going so far as to act "child-like".

The bumping into each other is definitely a cliche, but I think under the circumstances it works.  This script always contained, while other one was used to give the two characters another instance of meeting each other.

Thanks again for reading.  Zen/Fury was actually my second attempt at action.  If you'd liek to see my first, check out "Disposable Heroes", which is located somewhere in Horror or the link in my sig.


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Braksnen
Posted: December 3rd, 2006, 12:57am Report to Moderator
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Okay, I've been meaning to read this script before you put up your new revised version, but never had the time. I sat down and read the script today. I just have to say, this is the second script I've ever read of yours and I absolutely loved it. I loved every aspect of it. The diologue was off in a couple places, but other than that I enjoyed the read. I read in other comments that you're taking out Vincent. THANK GOD! I wish I was Newton and could knock that guy out too! Other than that, I don't want you to change a thing!

Maybe have her get mugged. Yeah, that'll work. But no more dick of a boyfriend.

Oh yeah, and the ending, it almost made me wanna punch you. Nice twist though. It was perfect. My condolences.


I am an ex-con who has grown over the past several years. I hope it shows.
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Shelton
Posted: December 3rd, 2006, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Braksnen.

I'm plugging along in the rewrite, working on the third act currently, and I've come to a point where I'm giving serious consideration to submitting it not as a rewrite, but an entirely different script altogether.

The new version does have a lot of things from this in it, but the storyline and characters are so different that I can't help but think I'd be better off calling it something else entirely.

I don't know, just thinking out loud.  I guess I'll come to a final conclusion once it's all said and done, but if something new pops up and the character names are exactly the same, well that's the "rewrite".


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Braksnen
Posted: December 4th, 2006, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Shelton
The new version does have a lot of things from this in it, but the storyline and characters are so different that I can't help but think I'd be better off calling it something else entirely.


I'd say it all depends on how different the charecters are. In the one I read, the charecters are all down to earth.  1 or 2 were alittle...... I think 'odd' is the word, but that's what built the script. The charecters Newton and Sara REALLY created the atmosphere of the script. If they changed alot in the new script I'm not sure I'll like it as much.


I am an ex-con who has grown over the past several years. I hope it shows.
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Shelton
Posted: December 4th, 2006, 11:49pm Report to Moderator
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The supporting charactes like Carl and dad are pretty much what they were in the original.  Newton and sara have changed a little.  Not so much newton as Sara, but I think her character was just a little bit weak to begin with.

In this version, there's more of a natural conflict between the two that wasn't there before instead of just relying on outside things.

If you decide to read it when it's up, I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I will give it a new title and treat it as a different script.  I just can't let the original one go.


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CharlieKaufmanWannabe
Posted: December 5th, 2006, 1:39am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Mike. Good strong first draft. I'm about 30 pages into it. I will finish reading it tommorow. But I'll say this. It moves. The diologue is smart and snappy. Some of the jokes are a bit hackneyed though, like "Bond, James Bond", but I'm sure you'll work out the kinks in later drafts.

I feel you put a lot of love into this, and being a big fan of romantic comedies, allow me to say what I think of your script so far...

Honestly, I think it's a lot easier for audiences to relate to 'working class' characters. Newton Lawler comes off as a white collar, middle class guy who lives in a two-story townhouse in Pleasantville USA. People root for the underdog, so if you're trying to get us to like him right off the bat, you might want to think about taking him down the ole income bracket.

One last thing, when people are just getting acquainted, they never, ever, spit out their first AND last name, not unless they have a real bloated ego.

Other than that. I think you've really got something, and don't let people bag on you for having a girthy 123 page first draft. First drafts, in my opinion, should be fat and wordy and begging for a re-write. That's the fun of it. Trimming it down. Making your scenes tighter and more focused. Write on, brother...

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