Not sure if you knew, but your script is mentioned here.  http://babzbuzz.blogspot.com/2013/06/babz-buzz-028.html

Good luck at ScriptShadow!  

Good luck, Michael.

You're a fantastic writer, with a very unique style and I know you've paid your dues over the years.

Fingers crossed that this is the beginning of something good.

Babz did say she gave my script a shout out, but I wasn't really sure where to find the podcast... thanks Pia!

Hey Rick, long time no talk! Thanks a lot for your support over the years!

-- Michael

Before I begin I want to make it clear that this is just My opinion. I'm not an expert, I make no claim to be one. I am just a struggling writer/director hoping that my input might help another story-teller hone their craft.

So...I didn't finish your script. Not because it was a difficult or painful read, but because one of my good friends dated a dominatrix for several years. I met a lot of people involved in that particular lifestyle and we never got along well...ever. Plus she really fucked him over, both financially and mentally. As such I have a slight biased the on the whole BDSM/dominatrix lifestyle.

But that's not to say that your script is bad. On the contrary, it's very good. Your writing style is impressive. Very lean and clean. I did whoever have a few notes for you. I got to page 35 but as you'll see my notes are pretty scant and spread out, a testament to your writing. Mostly little things, nothing major.

pg 1 - "Red mist resonates in the air." -- Can the red mist of blood escaping the body really resonate? I mean yes one of the definitions of resonate is to be filled with but, is this the right word for what you want to convey? Just how much blood came out of this guys melon?

"The bridge above: WINSTON leans over the ledge. Waves his arms. Merely a silhouette. His identity indiscernible." -- Who's Winston? No description, no context...is this on purpose?

pg 2 - TINA (re: off silence) -- Personally I got that this was implied and didn't feel you needed to reiterate it.

pg 3 - "Early erupts into sudden tears." -- I think that "erupts" implies that the tears are sudden.

"SPECIALIST, a doctor in white coat..." -- I think you meant in a white coat.

pg 5 - EARLY: Do you ever wish that you can have a baby? Your own baby? -- Did Early age and you forgot to mention it? This is rather mature dialogue for a four year old.

pg 12 - After the slugline: EXT. UPPER WEST SIDE (MANHATTAN) - LATER "A city setting." -- The slugline implies that it is a city setting.

pg 14 - "He whips his head around and cuts an evil look into Early’s direction." -- This sentence reads awkward to me. How do you cut a look into someone's direction?

"Early opens his eyes. Moonlight shines on his face. The room otherwise dark." -- Did you mean...is otherwise dark?

pg 17 - ELEVATOR  "Early leans his back against the wall and breathes heavily. On the brink of a panic attack. In tears. The doors slide shut." -- A little confusing. Usually the doors open before someone exits the elevator.

pg 25 - EARLY: I mean, I don’t enjoy it, but I don’t mind. It’s everybody else who doesn’t like talking about it. -- He just said he likes talking about it? Don't know many people that like something they don't enjoy.

pg 27 -- The exchange here between Early and Agony feels a little forced. Not sure how I would fix it though. I know you need to drive the story forward and him watching is where you're headed, but still....feels forced. Like she's a little too accepting of this nutball in a hospital gown.

Over all, very clean writing, and like others who have read this before, it was a very quick read. You're style is solid and you're technical skills are on the money. Not at all surprising that you already have a produced script.

Hey man, thanks for giving it a look. I'll get to your script when I can, still have another script to finish before I get to yours.

Quoted Text pg 1 - "Red mist resonates in the air." -- Can the red mist of blood escaping the body really resonate? I mean yes one of the definitions of resonate is to be filled with but, is this the right word for what you want to convey? Just how much blood came out of this guys melon?

I felt resonate was appropriate... in the way that morning due mist resonates in the air.

Quoted Text "The bridge above: WINSTON leans over the ledge. Waves his arms. Merely a silhouette. His identity indiscernible." -- Who's Winston? No description, no context...is this on purpose?

There is no description because his identity is indiscernible. In the next flashback where we see his face, I then describe him.

Quoted Text pg 3 - "Early erupts into sudden tears." -- I think that "erupts" implies that the tears are sudden.

Yeah, fixed this in a more recent draft.

Quoted Text pg 12 - After the slugline: EXT. UPPER WEST SIDE (MANHATTAN) - LATER "A city setting." -- The slugline implies that it is a city setting.

I can't assume everybody knows what the Upper West side of Manhattan looks like. Perhaps "urban setting" should have been used.

Quoted Text pg 17 - ELEVATOR  "Early leans his back against the wall and breathes heavily. On the brink of a panic attack. In tears. The doors slide shut." -- A little confusing. Usually the doors open before someone exits the elevator.

Early has just boarded the elevator. The SLUG is ELEVATOR, so he's inside. Then the doors close. And then we cut to LOBBY where he exits. No need to show all the stuff in between (him going down to bottom floor, doors opening, him leaving the elevator). I suppose I could have been more clear.

Quoted Text pg 25 - EARLY: I mean, I don’t enjoy it, but I don’t mind. It’s everybody else who doesn’t like talking about it. -- He just said he likes talking about it? Don't know many people that like something they don't enjoy.

He realizes what he just said sounds odd, so he kind of rewords it (Agony said it was weird in the dialogue in between).

Quoted Text pg 27 -- The exchange here between Early and Agony feels a little forced. Not sure how I would fix it though. I know you need to drive the story forward and him watching is where you're headed, but still....feels forced. Like she's a little too accepting of this nutball in a hospital gown.

It's all part of the world I wanted to create -- a dreamlike feel to it, where everything seems amiss (ala David Lynch, Nic Refn or David Cronenberg). I wanted to bend reality a little bit, make things surreal. And she's not exactly normal either. Match made in heaven!

Sorry to hear about your bad experience with the dominatrix, hope I didn't bring back any deep-seeded rage, haha. But I'm glad that you thought it was very good (up to where you read).

Thanks for taking the time to check it out and thanks for the compliments, bro!

-- Michael

No bad memories. And like I said, very well written. Do you have any other work I could read?

Not really... I do have a script called Machine Gun Symphony in the action/adventure section, but it was posted 4 years ago... not my finest work in my mind, though it got good reviews (Script of the month on Zoetrope)... my writing has changed a lot since then. I'm more economic with my word usage now.

As soon as you have something else ready please message me. I'd love to read it.

UofOStudent, you should really try to finish reading Morphine.  You say you have a slight bias on the subject and that's why you stopped at page 35.  Yet, you name more positive than negative about the script -- "1) it's very good (2) writing style is impressive (3) very lean and clean (4) style is solid (5) technical skills are on the money."  When Mike said he didn't wish to bring back any deep-seeded rage, you replied with "no bad memories."  Then why not continue on with the story?  

By that reasoning of yours, there should be a lot of scripts on this site that you'll stop reading then because of some detail to story.  I'm not trying to get on your back in a negative way, I'm just disappointed you stopped reading because of such a reason.  Morphine is a whole bunch of things rolled up into one-- cute, violent, dark, emotionally-gripping-- and it's a very satisfying read.  Give it another shot in its entirety.

Just because we differ on the definition of bad isn't a reason to read something I know I won't enjoy, solely because of an experience from my personal life. I do have a "slight" bias. One that I think would skew my perception of the script and Michael deserves better than that...hence the reason that I'm reading Machine Gun Symphony and why I asked Michael for other scripts to read. Just because a memory isn't "bad" or doesn't bring back any deep-seeded rage doesn't mean I necessarily want to relive it. Do the memories annoy the shit out of me? Hell yes they do. I used the word slight because I'm trying to be PC, in case someone here on SS is a part of that particular lifestyle.

Hi Michael.

Finished this as promised. Wow, very dark and gritty. I understand you have been through some tough times in your personal life, and I guess it is evoked in your writing.

The subject matter wasnt too my liking, as per our PM. But you certainly drew me into this strange world and haunted characters.

Your staccato style of action lines seem to diminish mid script and made for a cleaner read( to me anyway).

I liked the ending, there seemed to be  a resolution - well, a type of resolution for these 'doomed' people. The formatting was pretty good, and it was a quick read, despite the pain of the storyline.

I'm not one for copious notes and picking out tiny things ( I leave that for those who wanna do at, lol). You have a finely crafted script here mate.

Sometimes I 'envy' writers who can produce this kind of script using this subject matter. Although I pride myself on my writing talent, I could never write something like this in a million years, lol.
I guess you have the life experience man, that can bring this out of you.

Good luck with this! And thanks for reading FH!

Cheers bro, stevie

I got to about page forty when I stopped.  I just didn't feel anything (pun intended) for the story or the characters.  Maybe if Early and Agony got together at the beginning, it would've been different.  They don't meet until the story is one quarter over.

I did like Winston's story from what I've read.  Bad guy gets punished for helping someone out (in a twisted sense).

How about, if you were to do another rewrite, starting the story with Early and Agony's relationship already under way.  You can always flashback to their beginning if you had to.


Phil

Hey Michael,

Nice story man.  I like how you give background to Early in order to set the main story up. I’m gonna cover the first half tonight and get back to you with the rest of my notes in a couple of days.

Over all, I like this. It’s gritty, dark and pretty fuckeng raw. I for one have never tasted dog shit…

But I was dared once to. Instead, I opted for the tampon teabag.

I should’ve gone with the dog shite…


Notes,
I like the frustrated way Early handles his shortcoming. Banging his head to try and feel something. Almost like being a cutter for attention.

On page 13, when Early steps into Central park, why was he overwhelmed? Was it because he had just argued with his mom?

This is a nitpick thing but when you have Early hit by the car, you still technically have him on the curbside.

STREET CORNER
Early steps off the curd to cross the street

MIDDLE OF STREET
His eyes still on the STREET PERFORMER

A “DON’T WALK” sign blinks across the street.
Early turns ahead just as WHAM! A car slams into him.

Like I said its nitpicky. Just a thought…

The double use of the FLASHBACK on page 13, can be eliminated by simply taking the FLASKBACK from the scene set up for the PIANIO ROOM.

The way I’ve always used them is to
BEGIN FLASHBACK:

As a scene transition

Then to the slug line.

And
END FLASHBASK (OR) RETURN TO SCENE

And the scene slugline.

I’m at page 27 and you’re gonna hate me for saying this.

You could almost start this story off when him and Agony and use through those flashback’s the story about his youth peppered about the story. Almost like you are doing now but not even start with him young at all. Start him off in the hospital, waking up and then piece his youth and the situations in as it goes from there.

Told you, you’d hate me.

Just kidding on the hate vibe. I guess it’s because this is where the story really hooks me and pulls me in. The first part is great, but the chemistry you have right off the bat between Agony and Early is tight.

Btw…her depravity is sexy as fuck!

I’d pay her.

The scene where she zaps his testies, was priceless brother.

I could almost hear muskrat love playing…

The scene where Winston is at the Gas station…

I think you should rethink how that goes down. It doesn’t ring true that tow guys would aim at each other and shoot each other while Winston simply ducks. It’s too convenient. Maybe have Winston take the cashiers gun and shoot the GUY with it of something.

But I can see now why you have the start of the script like it is. Weaving Winston back in on page 39. Nicely done man.

Taaabbbaaaattthhhiiiaaaaaa

Ha! I loved that.

On 45 the dialog seems a little clunky.

AGONY
So how come you’re not out
gallivanting like the rest of these
rapscallions?


Doesn’t sound like her. More like…

AGONY
Why the fuck aren’t you out making an asshole
Outa yourself like the rest of these little fuckers?


You also have her saying…

It’s your birthday…

It’s still his birthday? I thought that was a while back, while he was in the hospital.

I might have missed something.

On page 47, Winston is at a strip bar. Is he out of prison? Or was this supposed to be a flashback?

I don’t remember seeing where he was released.

I love the fight scene between Nathan and Early. I’m not sure about Nathan dragging his face down the bar. It seemed kinda like a western bar fight move. I would also maybe have Early right behind Nathan when he hits him with the bottle. If Nathan is holding a gun, and Early is 10 feet away, what’s to stop him from shooting Early. Just a thought.

The fight itself was great and very very visual. I liked it a lot.

Here’s where I’m at so far in the story.

I like Winston although I haven’t really gotten a complete picture of him and I feel by now I should have. He is such an important part of Early’s life that I feel that the full picture should be here by page 60.

I really enjoy Early and Agony but it feels rushed. Like I alluded toearly in my notes, It really seems that this story should start with them and then their tale can be drawn aout a bit more over the course of the story rather than have them get together and suddenly create this strong bond as they did in (I guess) one night.

I really dig the S & M scenes and your dialog is clean and quick with only a few bumps where I find them explaining the world and the jargon like the safe word. I understood the situation and what was going on but I do suppose you need to explain it to those who may not get what things like that are. Tough call.

I’ve finished the script and will get more notes to you over the next couple of days. It’s just been a very busy couple of days for me.

I will tell you this…

I liked this a lot.  

I’ll get more notes over to you when I have some more time.

Take care brother.

I’m glad to see your work getting so much well deserved attention.

Shawn…..><

Hey Stevie, thanks for the comments, brother, appreciate it. Yeah, I suppose the script does reflect a lot of hard times recently, but I've done well getting out of the hole thanks to writing. I'm just about finished with Fort Hell, will get to it shortly.

Hey Phil, I thought about that originally... the strongest point of the script is the Early/Agony relationship, but with the way the story unfolds, it doesn't quite mesh well -- everything comes full circle, and introducing Agony too early throws the story out of whack, I feel.

I haven't really received a flat out negative review of the script, though having the reader stop 30-50 pages in isn't a great thing (I think I've had 4 readers back out) -- the reception I've been receiving is either luke warm or very positive... I knew the kind of script I wanted to write and I knew I was going to bend a few "rules" with structure and plot -- introducing the second lead 15-20 pages in, which is also around where the inciting incident is placed (I was a big fan of the Silver Linings Playbook script and they kind of did the same thing with Jennifer Lawrence's character) -- and I knew it wasn't going to be for everybody. My intention was to create a stream of consciousness, dream like tale... an indie kind of feel to it.

I knew that I had something different here, but I'm surprised by the attention the script has received.

Surprisingly, Winston was the character most readers (consensus opinion pretty much) didn't care for. A lot of suggestions wanted him out of the story completely.

But thanks for getting as far as you did, Phil, any time your advice is offered, it's always worth taking into consideration.

-- Michael

Hi Michael, I have read the script and added some notes below along with a review.  

Page 2 - They exude a warmth and kindness.  I think this would work better, They exude warmth and kindness.  No need for the A.

Page 3 - Specialist dialogue:  Recurrent high fevers and sometimes seizures.  It would work better as recurring.  

Page 15 - Early limps to her curious.  Might work better if you add a comma after “her”.  Early limps to her, curious.

Page 16 - She cocks an eye at him perplexed.  Same with the prior, She cocks an eye at him, perplexed.

Page 25 - Agony pretends to checks her phone, should be, Agony pretends to check her phone.

Page 45 - Agony dialogue has NUMBERS referencing 18.  Not a problem for me, I have just been told dialogue usually neglects numbers.

Page 47 - The moment last forever, should be, The moment lasts forever.

Page 54 - Early comes follows in after Agony.  Should be, Early follows in after Agony.

Page 63 - They flash past several tunnel light, should be, They flash past several tunnel lights.

Page 67 - Agony dialogue:  I wish I can go back in time, should be, I wish I could go back in time.

Page 83 - DOCTORS and NURSE, is there more than one Nurse?  If so, this should be DOCTORS and NURSES.

Page 86 - Steven shouts are muffled, should be, Steven’s shouts are muffled.

Page 88 - A sliver fishing boat, is later mentioned as a silver fishing boat.  Might want to change that.

Page 88 - Winston dialogue:  I shoulda let your drown, should be, I shoulda let you drown.

Page 90 - Smoke rising from it’s barrel, should be, Smoke rising from its barrel.

And done.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This was... to me at least, a very disturbing tale.  I appreciate the depth you went to here and understood most things.

The characters were great and developed well.  Agony and Early’s relationship was fantastic, reminded me of Leaving Las Vegas in a way, but instead of a Hooker helping a Drunk die, it was a Dominatrix and a kid who couldn’t feel pain.

It was graphic in most parts and it definitely has a dark tone to it.  Rape, being one of the big issues this story deals with.

I read this in one sitting.  Start to finish, no breaks.  I do expect some might not understand the story, I found myself lost once or twice but by the end I somewhat understood what was going on.

Only a few errors with spelling and such, nothing too severe, but I mentioned everything I found.

It hooked me from start to finish.

This was an impressive, visual script.  A bit disturbing in some parts, but otherwise very good.  

Lee