Missy Pia    I know this post doesn't have anything to do with Dreamscale's script...but I gotta tell you that I am sitting here chuckling at your picture and the caption...VERY FUNNY!  You could also throw in a few other things...like, "Can't touch this!"  *wink*

Love the humor as it lightens the pages!

~m~

Quoted from MBCgirl Missy Pia ...I gotta tell you that I am sitting here chuckling at your picture and the caption.

Death has been very, very good to Pia.

Quoted from MBCgirl Love the humor!...it lightens the pages!

As light as a Snowflake from Hell. Make that Durango.

ABSOLUTELY!!!!    Isn't there just a little something scary about such a delicate snowflake being cast in this "hell" of a weekend in Durango? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I love ski towns too...this year I'll probably be looking around a lot and wondering if killers walk among us!!! Yikes!

~m ~

Hahaha!  

Back on topic.

Sorry I'm late, but I've been busy and also got side tracked. I think I might have ADD. I'm like a T-Rex. I focus hard on something until there's some movement somewhere else and then that's all I can focus on at the moment.

Anyway, I think this thread has some really awesome suggestions for Jeff. The only thing we haven't discussed too much is the ending.

I for one enjoyed the action writing and thought that was really well done. I have to say that I was quite annoyed with the credits sequences and music coming on and off though. Don't really know or understand what the point of that was. If Jeff insists on keeping that part, I would suggest using 5 seconds rather than 20. 20 seconds is longer than most people stay in their seats after a movie is over. I can't picture any positive reaction to this at all.

The fade to white between scenes is okay to me. In fact I liked it. My only suggestion there would be to decide which scenes to put in between. Right now it seems almost random. Use it when scenes change between people or after scene changes after killings, but decide on something so there is some continuity there.

All in all I will say that I thought this script was well written. Fix the beginning half as you've heard a thousand times by now. The action at the end it good. Maybe very good even. Skip the whole credits interruption at the end and make the beginning sequence with Tobias have more of an important impact in the end. I was disappointed that he gets killed just like that.

Good job Jeff and thanks to all who participated.


PS. You can of course continue to discuss this... I just think I'm done.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear PS. You can of course continue to discuss this... I just think I'm done.

I think we're all nearing that point.  I suppose it's time that Jeff chimed in here.

As far as the ending, I think I'm in agreement with you Pia.  It makes sense in that it reveals a lot of back story and just what has gone down, but I think placing it in the credits can cause it to be lost on a lot of people.  Especially, as you said, if there's a 20 second gap.

To go one step further, I think the elements in the credits flashbacks would be better suited as part of the story.  Put them in their proper places, trim them down a little since the don't need to be expository, and slot them right in.

I wrote this as part of my review for Fade to White, but wanted to see what the Script Club thought of the suggestion.



  One thing I would like to point about Carlie and Danny’s character relationship is “True Romance”, if you haven’t seen it check it out. The leads in that are awkwardly lovey-dovey and surrounded by well it’s a Tarantino flick so go figure. But the difference I feel is that those character’s had cute quirks and relatable desires, Christen Slater is in love with a hooker and wants to free her from her pimp. I think you started with something great in that these two characters, Carlie and Danny wanted to have a baby, but that story dialogue fell to the way side, I think rather than or along with them being lovey-dovey they go into discussions about the baby how many? Names? Where to live? Whether Carlie should be a stay at home mom or go into the work place? All relatable topics that will engage the audience, and also engage the kids at the bar who would give there two cents because naturally Carlie and Danny would take different sides on each topic. This whole debate would bring value to the entire bar scene.


  Now in True Romance there isn’t much to hide, as in your story the fact that Carlie and Danny are killers, I think you may but you don’t have to reveal that they are in the premise, but if you don’t want to, it’ll still work. I think to do that this quarrel between lovers blows up at the bar where Carlie and Danny are angry with one another and this act of killing the kids, which they decide to through with, brings them closer together. A quirky bounding experience, I’d say.


  And Janelle who the couple actual likes the most, you like the most too, and who I and Shelton thought was one of the better characters out of the group. Should be the last kill, but in this scene Carlie is telling Janelle that they’ve picked out a name for the baby, and by story end that’s what they name the baby.


  I feel as though this plot line works because while the lovey-dovey dialogue has distance the audience from the characters, for the worse right now. And the act of killing distance them even more, but the lovers quarrel that all couples go through about baby name? Where to live? And so on would bridge the gap enough between the audience to make the love-dovey dialogue not a liability but a necessity for these characters with a bizarre idea of love. And the killing a necessity while evil, never the less a bonding experience that draws this couple closer.

Continued...

  I also think this would sure up the logline. I got a feeling he doesn’t want to mention who the killer is, but the thing about a log line is to mention the most interesting thing about your story and some sense of the outcome. So, that’s a difficult trick to pull off. In this case of having suspense and hiding the killer, it would be necessary to create a unique mystery or crime in place of it. But to me bigger than who did in, in this kind of story is how they did it. But I do think the idea I put forth creates very memorable characters in the light of a Bonnie and Clyde way making them the most interesting thing, enhancing anything they do.


Wolf Creek: Stranded backpackers in remote Australia fall prey to a murderous bushman who offers to fix their car, then takes them captive.


Fade to White

Current Logline: Danny and Carlie are in for a lot more than just skiing, the weekend after Christmas, in Durango, Colorado. The white of the falling snow won’t be the only color they’ll see.

With the new idea…

Fade to White

Tagline: First cut is the...

New Logline: On Holiday in Durango, Colorado, Carly and Danny strengthen their love when trying to escape with their lives, along with newly found friends, turns out to be the bonding experience of a lifetime.

Or if you wanted to clearly expose the killers... "... Carly and Danny strengthen their love after the bonding experience of a lifetime, terrorizing their newly founded friends.

I know the idea is to have Xavier be Satan, but between scenes he can be, via telephone Relationship Counselor.

Monoply for your thoughts?

Thanks for your input BLB!  

Dreamscale,
we haven't heard from you here... Was the discussion about your script helpful or....  

Are we done here?  Ready for "this me" to chime in?

Are you kidding??
I've been waiting for a week!!  

No, Pia, I wasn't kidding.  It's been up here for about 2 weeks now.  Script Club II was up for about 4 weeks, and Script Club I was up for about 7 weeks.  If you've been waiting a week for it to end, then it would have only gone for about a week.  I actually thought the discussion would turn to something else...maybe even something positive.  The vast majority of comments have all been about dialogue, and actually very little about the actual dialogue itself, but more so that there was just way too much and that the banter was meaningless.

No problem though, this has been invaluable as several commented on.  I do appreciate the feedback from all who participated very much.  I'll go over everything now and write some of my own feedback to the feedback I've recieved.

Thanks again to all who participated here.  It has been very enlightening and I appreciate the time you spent on reading my script and giving your comments.

I think you're attributing your ability to chime in to the discussion actually being over, which isn't the case.

The discussion can go on as long as people participate in it, only now you're free to respond at will.

Jeff,

I want it to be positive for you.
Tell us something you would like for us to discuss.
Something you feel you really would like to have feedback on.

If I should chime in now and respond to comments, that's totally cool...I'd love to.

If there's more to discuss, that's also totally cool.

If you're asking what I'd like to hear about, it would be some positives.  I may be in the vast minority on this, but I feel there are so many positive aspects to my script...so many things that work well, are unique, well concieved, and powerful.  You know, after being beaten down for awhile, it's always nice to get lifted back up and hear some positive things.

I don't want to sound like I'm whining or anything, cause as I've said again and again, this is a truly great resource, and good or bad, everything is being taken in and thought about.

So...you guys tell me...should I start responding to earlier comments (like I have been on the regular thread), or should I hold back a bit?

Start responding now.  It will get the conversation going again.