Hey Gabe,

Gave the new draft a read and I must say that it's a major improvement from the first one I read. You did a huge overhaul and now the story makes a lot more sense and at the same time it moves a lot faster. The script is actually a real page-turner now. Good work.

So, kids should watch slasher movies, huh?  

I love that you gave Jessica a back-story and an interesting one even, though I'm not sure that I completely got it. I get that her fear manifest themselves as sort of awaken nightmares, getting reality and fantasy/fear mixed up, but I don't really understand what the purpose of these manifestations are. I can see from your reply to tonaktough that "the guys" are actually good and they're trying to make her remember but I didn't get that from the script at all. I think you should work on that a bit more, flesh it out.

I don't have any thing really to add about the format but I think you need to throw in a couples of (O.C.)'s or (O.S.)'s, instead of using MRS THOMAS’S VOICE or MR THOMAS’S VOICE.

All in all a very enjoyable rewrite. Keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob

Hey sniper,

Thanks for the read. Yeah it took some time and listening to actaually make this better.

To comment on your question, yes...lol. I put that in there since kids usually do things secretly. I watched scary movies without my parents knowing when I was at that age, but they always figured it out quite simply because I was afraid afterwards. It was becuase of Phil that I added a scene from the film she was watching (thanks Phil). It adds more to the horror of what she is experiencing.

For the O.S.'s, I gotta add those in. I'm coming back to this later. I have to finish the Director and have plenty reading material.

Thanks again.

Gabe

Hey Gabe.  Looks like you've been busy on this one.  I like the changes.  For me, I know it's always satisfying when you dig away at a story idea and watch it take shape and come to life.

Just a few things:

I believe you're supposed to use V.O. when someone talks on the other end of a phone conversation.  As well, it seems redundant to use 'into cell' each time Jennifer talks; it's already implied.

The buildup was good - you established a nice senario but this was already present in your previous draft so I'll leave it at that - and those men in dark suits were much creepier now that you gave them more of a purpose.  Funny how something simple like that makes all the difference, doesn't it?

On the topic of those men - I wonder if you need to make a stronger link between them and what she was watching on TV, if I'm correct in assuming that they both represent the demons that are tormenting her.  This would mean then that they are both one and the same.  Maybe they emered from the TV set or maybe they were the villians on the scary program she was watching.  I just think there needs to be some connection, some bridge linking both elements of the story together.

I'm not sure one parent would say to the other 'Our daughter is dead', even if only in a metaphorical sense.  To utter those words as a parent is uncomprehensable as well as unspeakable.  Now, if they said something like 'The daughter we knew is dead' - that might be more realistic.  

The ending, as others have stated, is still a little confusing but think I understand what you're getting at.  My take is that the TV program triggered some memory of a past trauma in her mind.  Ending it the way you did with her seated in front of the TV, I'm assuming she is prepared now to confront her fears.  Maybe it's as simple as adding a few lines of dialogue to explain this.  Or perhaps with a stronger connection, as I stated above, between those men on TV and her fears it would make the ending more understandable.

Anyway, good job and much improved.

-Mike

Hey mgj,

Thanks for the read. I remember these types of horrors when i was young. My favorite shows were Are You Afraid of the Dark on nickolodeon (hope I spelled that right) and the Twillight Zone. No blood, no sex; just simple tales that scared people like ghost stories. This short is an omash to those shows.  

Yeah...I'm still learning about format. I found it quite redundant the cell repeation but I figured I need to stay specific... I was wrong.

For the link I thought the television and the closet door served that. The television inflicting the fear and the closet door bringing it to life. Can you explain it bit about the connection?

I need to strengthen the last few pages since it confused many people. But at least I have a great buildup leading to the confusion...lol.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey mgj, For the link I thought the television and the closet door served that. The television inflicting the fear and the closet door bringing it to life. Can you explain it bit about the connection?

I reread it again.  I guess I just didn't make the connection between those men and what she was watching on TV the first time I read it.  I see what you're doing now - showing the freeze-frame image of that man on the TV and then having him appear to her moments later in the real world (I think anyway).  

Perhaps if he had been a character on the program she was watching then I'm sure I would have figured it out right away.   Anyway, I guess this just highlights the fact that a script needs to be idiot-proof.  

Hope I've cleared this up for you.

Gabe,

I forgot to ask, the movie she's watching - it's not an actual movie right? It's something you came up with right? If so, I think you should make it a little less like Scream. Just a thought.

Cheers
Rob

Hey mgj and sniper,

Mgj:

yeah i have a tendency of complicating things at times. But I see what you mean. Note taken for the revision.

Sniper:
I guess the Scream reference is due to the cell phone and the more people involved.  The sequence is not in any way related to Scream. I tried to make it more as a sign for what was going to happen such as being surrounded by the enemy. But thinking back now to it, I see what you mean. I'll see if I can do something about it in the revision.

Thanks again guys.

Gabe

I read the original and remember enjoying it, despite its flaws. It would be nice to see them side by side so that I can compare them.

In terms of this script:

I'd use an actual public domain film on the TV screen, something like the Cabinet of Dr. Cagliari or something and then have the man coming into the images. That would provide a further shock both at the time and when we see him in the flesh as it were. That's if you keep the current angle...

I preferred the "innocence" of the earlier script. That young fear and excitement. I think the mix of that with the horror techniques of adult films is what gave the original its unique feel. This script explains a little too much for me. You can't please everyone as they say. I think the background to the story brings it into familiar territory whilst the original was something new.

I also think she moves about a bit too readily, it spoils the tension IMO. I'd like to see her fear retained. Rather than going to the bedroom, perhaps she can see the figure coming down the stairs or going to the bathroom, just so she never actually gets to the sanctuary of her parents bedroom.

hey decadencefilms@37,

Thanks for looking at this draft. I think I did better in this one than the first one since based on character development and some areas IMO. One big mistake I fixed were the men in black and the leader. I was also experiemtning with the idea of giving a purpose to these men being the last six pgs of this script, which will be deleted in the revision. I think I'm going to prob settle on the original story.  

I can't please everyone but I want to be in the middle of satisfying the readers and myself; its 50 and 50.  

I wanted to portray life imitaiting art. she watching the film, and the film coming to life. I'm going to be focusing on this now even to the end. I would also need to fix the film scene as well to make it coherent.

Can you explian the Cabinet reference of Dr. Cagliari? I don't quite understand that.

Gabe

http://video.google.co.uk/videosearch?q=public+domain

You can legally use public domain material. There are some classic horrors that you can use for the film in the beginning. It makes it easier to film and gives it a real life presence.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari was a particular favourite of mine.

I was thinking you could have the real villain appear in the film and perhaps have Jessica being chased on screen. This would instantly show us her inner turmoil and set the film up from there.

I get it now. I'll see if I can watch the film you suggested. I'm planning to do another overhaul again but keeping a few parts of the story the same. I'm already have some ideas and will get to writing them down.

For the idea you suggested, do you mean that the real villian appears in Jessica's reality world and Jessica in the television? I just want this to be clear since there are two worlds in this short, Jessica's world interclashed with the film and the real world which she losses contact from.

Gabe

I mean that the villain appears on the TV screen first and then Jessica appears in the TV screen as well, being chased or threatened in some way  (perhaps in the way that happened in real life).

This would show us that something happened in the past and that the film has raised the issue in her subconscious.

She could turn the TV off in fear and then you could carry the story on as it is.

It's not a major change to what you already have, I think it just makes it slightly more explicit but without giving the game away.

I comprenhend now. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll consider this in the revision. I need to fix this connection break so, any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Gabe

Hey Gabe

I remember this one but wow it's changed quite a lot hasn't it.

The original was tense and atmospheric but lacked the story but this revision does the job.  It read really quick but the story was excellent.  

I thought the first draft was about physcological problems but here it's stamped down with a good backstory.  Jessica's lapse and descent into fear was well done and the tension grew as she became aware of her nightmare.  I believe the Man in the red shirt did something horrible to Jessica and the movie triggered the memory which lead to her visions.

The only thing I didn't like was your last scene, I thought leaving the story with an image of the TV would create a better lasting image but hey that's just my opinion.

Good stuff though, I really enjoyed it.

Thanks alffy for looking at this,

I improved a lot on this story. But I still got tiny chuncks to edit out. You are totally correct on your assumptions I just need to make this apparent in the revision. As mgj said before, I need to make this comprendhendable to a child sort of speak. I'm planning to add a beginning as to how she got the film and providing more backstory to Jessica. I will need to edit those last pages but that's for later. Thanks for the suggestion of the tv screen. I already have some ideas flowing.

Gabe