Obscure by Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - Short, Horror - After watching a scary movie, 9 year old Jessica must safely make it to her parent's bedroom in order to sleep. The only obstacle in her path is the darkness.15 pages - doc, format

Hey Grabriel!

It seemed to me very strange story. It remided me Matrix, maybe because of the lots of men wearing tinted glasses. I don't know why Jessica screamed with the DVD scene and didn't when she saw the men?!

All in all it was good nightmare!

I would like to thank Don for posting this up. Thank you Don.

SPOILERS!

Hey helio,

Thanks for reading this and reviewing it.

Jessica screams because she got scared. I thought I emphasized that through the sounds but I will need to emphasize it more than.

The men symbolized the parnoid feeling a person gets when they read or see something scary. That feeling of being prey.

Oddly enough, when I was writing this, the men in black actually made me think of the Matrix. But I kept it since I was fascinated by people dressed in dark clothing and the dark glasses. The dark glasses covers their eyes and removes the human side. The dark clothing for this piece was related to Jessica's fear of the dark.  This is why I utilized it.

The theme may be another problem. All men preying on a little girl. This is not what I had intended in mind but, it came out through the piece itself. What inspired me to write this piece was the Are you afraid of the Dark series I watched when I was kid and to improve my character development which I hopefully did.

Gabe

I had two problems with this script....

The first is that Jessica didn't seem to be aware of all the men in his home.  They're popping up everywhere but she doesn't react to them at all.  She didn't seem frightened by anything.  She didn't appear paranoid to me.  She stopped watching the movie and she went to bed; that's all.

Was she watching a horror movie of some kind?  You didn't show any of it, so I couldn't tell.  Whatever she was watching, you should show a little of it, even if it means making up a movie.

Your story idea seemed original and interesting, but it needs better execution.  Develop Jessica's fear.  If you do this, then her trip to her parents' room will be a real challenge.


Phil

Thanks Phil for your review. I'm gald you found this interesting.

I'll need to improve my descriptions especially for Jessica in order to emphsize her fear of the dark and to the men. I've always had problems with descriptions, in choosing the right word to convey the idea. And I guess i felt that I was narrating too much through description, but I'll find a way around this.  But I'm slowly improving on this aspect.  

She was watching a horror movie. I'll need to be more specific on that part. I thought the sounds will be best but this needs to go under revising.

Helio brought this up before and the men. So I have alot of work on my hands. Thanks again.

Gabe

I like the premise with this one Gabe.  Making a trek through a darkened house to your room after watching a scary movie can be fertile ground for a 9 year old's imagination.

I think though, you need to dig a little deeper into the psychology of Jessica.  Who are these men with glasses that keep appearing to her.  Do they represent something - a past trauma maybe or phobia?  Watching the scary movie was the trigger for these manifestations but what do they represent?  I hope I'm making sense.  The story from a narrative perspective feels  incomplete, like something's missing.

Typo - I think you mean 'melody'.

Your writing style is very visual but, like your title, it's quite obscure or vague maybe is the right word.  Again - a good premise.  I think you're on the right track.  I'll be interested to see any rewrites you do with this.

Hey Mike,

Thanks for your interest. I'm definietly going to rewrite this one again since it actually has some potential in doing well. I also have to do alot of edit on descriptions. I have already some ideas flowing in my head to take care of this. Thanks again.

Gabe
  

Hey Gabe,

I'm kinda with everyone else here, but I figured that she didn't even see the men, which is why she didn't react to them.

I liked the concept though, and I actually found it creepier that she couldn't see them.

You don't have a mention of the horror movie there, but I did assume that that's what she was watching.  Being in its early stages, I think you've got something good to work off of.

Hey Mike,

thanks for your input.

I tried to go for that feeling of paranoia especially for a kid. This is what most people have been talking. I need to develop this part more. I've got ideas on how to do this already.

For the horror movie, I'm going to add something there to make it more apparent.

Thanks again
Gabe

I really liked this one too.. I felt the paranoia of the men moving in and appearing even if Jessica didn't... which I think would be a very interesting way to progress, have her character a little more frightened, maybe see glimpses of something in the dark.. but all in all I really like it.. could make a good scary short

Thanks swivek. Yeah, I'm already focused on what to enhance in my rewrite. But the good thing is that I've at least improved on my material and writing from before.

Gabe

Hey Gabe, how are you doing?

This was a neat little story of paranoia. Really creepy. I'm sure everyone's had the feeling that there is something in the dark watching you.

I kinda wish you would have explained why there were men watching her instead of monsters or lions. Why men?

Also, other than the first man in the kitchen, it didn?t seem like Jessica could see the other men. Did she see them?

One thing I noticed about a couple of your descriptions...

-Near her unseen side, a glass filled with Pepsi tips over.-

-She walks to the sink, grabs a sheet of Bounty paper, and walks out.-

I thought you weren't aloud to use specified products in a script. It didn?t detract from the experience in any way, I was just wondering.

Overall, I liked it more than I thought I would. Good job.

~Zack~

Hey Zack,

I'm doing pretty good knowing that you enjoyed the short. Now to answer your questions:

I experienced this type of fear when I was young with horror films such as Micheal Myers and Jason. I watched them in the dark foolishily and once the film was done, I had to turn on the light quickly, thinking that they were going to pop up from somewhere. So, the men who follow Jessica are an omash to these fine gentlemen who scared the crap out of me when I was young.

I had intended for her to sense them, but not see them. Only the men saw her obviously. I will need to make this more apparent in the revision.

The descriptions I would need to go back and change. As I was writing, these minor parts slipped by me. I sometimes get too detailed. Thanks for notcing it.

Gabe

Hey, Gabe.  I like looking at your stuff because you always do rewrites, and actually use what you get.

But at the same time, you kind of drive me crazy because you always try to get all fancy and never tell a straightforward story.  While this is not as incomprehensible as “Phone and Jack”, you are still operating at some kinda’ fringe that I suspect only you completely get.

But forging ahead:

First thing, the word is Melody, not Mellowdy.  You use that right off the bat, then do it a couple more times.

Naming one character SIMPLY CASUAL MAN, and the next, CASUALLY SOPHISTCATED MAN, made me laugh.  No, it is not wrong.  It just struck me as silly somehow, and I am letting you know that.  Consider a different naming scheme.  Especially since you soon have a bunch more that you do not bother to name at all.

“She puts toothpaste on her toothbrush and puts it under the water; the toothpaste moistens.”  You are still giving too much detail sometimes, though you are getting better.  She is just brushing her teeth, Gabe, and it takes you nearly half a page.  Work on trimming your words.  Do not fill in every single blank for us.

So, once more, I don’t get it.  If they were all in black or something, maybe.  But at one point you’ve got 15 guys with jogging suit guy and a punk rock guy and who knows what else?  Are the Village People there, too?

I respect that you try to be evasive, and write stories where things are not always crystal clear.  Maybe these guys are not even malevolent.  Could they be friendly somehow, watching over her?  The spooky trip through the house is a good start, but this story will require more explanation before it works like it could.

But I am sure you’ll come up with something.    

hey Bert, thanks for reading my short.

Quoted Text I like looking at your stuff because you always do rewrites, and actually use what you get.

I take this as the best compliment ever given to me. Thanks bert. I always give 110% in my work as many writers here do also. As a result, I am slowly improving becuase of you guys. You guys tell the truth and help the writer improve their work. Without your honesty, Ill probably be a horrible writer by now. So, I Thank you guys for helping me improve.

Quoted Text But at the same time, you kind of drive me crazy because you always try to get all fancy and never tell a straightforward story.  While this is not as incomprehensible as �Phone and Jack�, you are still operating at some kinda� fringe that I suspect only you completely get.

Looking back at Phone and Jack, its more of a scene than a story. Thus, I took it off my signature box. Closed In and A Night To Remember are shorts that I foolishly attempted to make into shorts. I am planning to make these features to unfold the story more. But I think this one is somewhat clear and direct as opposed to Closed In.  

Quoted Text First thing, the word is Melody, not Mellowdy.  You use that right off the bat, then do it a couple more times.

Yeah...I completely missed that. I'm thinking of completely removing that but I'm unsure yet.

Quoted Text Naming one character SIMPLY CASUAL MAN, and the next, CASUALLY SOPHISTCATED MAN, made me laugh.  No, it is not wrong.  It just struck me as silly somehow, and I am letting you know that.  Consider a different naming scheme.  Especially since you soon have a bunch more that you do not bother to name at all.

I found that really difficult to describe and distinguish the men in black especially the leader. So i attempted to do so by describing their clothes; this was a big downfall. But I've been thinking about what else to describe them by.  

Quoted Text ]�She puts toothpaste on her toothbrush and puts it under the water; the toothpaste moistens.�  You are still giving too much detail sometimes, though you are getting better.  She is just brushing her teeth, Gabe, and it takes you nearly half a page.  Work on trimming your words.  Do not fill in every single blank for us.

I self judge myself. for this I was planning to put, "The man watches jessica brush her teeth." and that's it but i feel it leaves alot out. But im going to try my best in keeping things simple now.  

Quoted Text The spooky trip through the house is a good start, but this story will require more explanation before it works like it could.

I agree with you bert. as phil said before, many people liked the concept but disliked the end result. But it takes a child a lot of falls before the child learns how to walk. So must a writer do in order to improve.

Gabe

Gabe,

Got to hand it to you, that was creepy.  Plus you've gotten better at writing. Kudos.

But while it was creepy and had atmosphere, it lacked story.  Nothing happened, nor did it leave me with any impression that anything would.   You have some good characters here - how do they interact?  

Good work. Keep writing.  

My notes follow.

pg1
not sure if augments is the word you want here.
In the HALLWAY  should be all caps
MELLOWDY - MELODY
Following the light?
Near her unseen side?  How do one see an unseen side?
quarter fill - quarter full
pg2
toward to - toward.
the area is clear. Jessica examines the area and comes up with the same conclusion. - Jessica examines the area. The area is clear.
She walks over to - you don't need to tell us every step (this is tough but it's good to keep in mind)
Way too much description of what she is doing with the remote and the drink and the bowl.  It better be there for a reason.
pg3
slips her hand - hunh?
Is the black suited man in the hallway with her? I'm confused.  Why doesn't she see him?
inserts - not sure this is the word you want.
pg4
she should pick up the remote too.
So, I'm guessing they aren't visible to Jessica.
pg6
The long overcoat man follows her every step his head?
pg7
Forearm raise - Forearm raised
Why would she lock the bathroom door to brush her teeth?

Hey mcornetto,

Thanks for the compliments. I still need to improve this piece more in developing Jessica's fear and the interaction aspect. But i've been getting some ideas to fix that.

To comment on some of your notes, my wordiness will be under control in the next draft. I will also need to be specific in most parts as well. this is a issue with me when writing descriptions. But it will be in control. For the bathroom, in order to show her fear, she closed the door. But the fear was never developed fully to the reader so I will need to enhance this aspect.

thanks for your review.

Gabe

I think that what I say first might surprise you as far as coincidences go.

The Obscure is also the name of a feature I wrote 5 years ago give or take and the main characters name was Jessica and it started in the dark of her bedroom and ended in her parents room.

The reason I call it coincidence because the scenes are nothing alike and only very few have actually read it.

I thought you might get a chuckle out of that.

Anyway, I didn't feel drawn into this short but that is more of me not being a giant fan of the genre.

The writing and descriptions are well done and the idea is fairly unique.

I noticed you condensed the word background to B.G. quite a bit.

The only thing I can say is that I look forward to reading something else of yours because this shows you have stories to tell that people will want to read.

These kinds of reviews always feel as if the reader just read over other reviews and just slapped together a review. Honestly, I couldn't find much else to say other than my nitpickings at the genre and people will keep doing it no matter how much one nitpicks at the genre in general.

I am sorry I couldn't offer much else but if you have any specific scenes that you'd like to know about just ask or if you have something else you'd like read just ask. I have quite some time to sit here and do nothing.

That is a very odd concidence. Two people with the same title, main character name and similar topic. Very odd. Prob. good for a story.  

Thanks for your review. I'm nearly done in revising this story. I changed alot and hopefully I developed Jessica's fear more. This was one problem people had with the story.

I condense background since spelling the whole word out takes space that can be used for more story entry. I'm already hooked on to your series "Better Days" I'm going to continue reading it; hope their are more episodes to come.  

Gabe

Hey Gabe

I'll start by saying nice brand dropping included in this short lol.

I noticed a few typo's in here and a few of your descriptions are too deep but overall nothing major.

Right story wise...I enjoyed this read but I'm not entirely sure I got the concept.  I'll have a stab at it though, are the men figments of Jessica's imagination?  Shadows in the darkness and physcological figments, once in light they simply cease to be or at least are no longer threatening.

Overall I thought this was a nice script and believe this would look very creepy on film.  Good stuff.

Hey alffy,

Thanks for reading this. The brand 's will be eliminated in the revision.

Descriptions is a major problem for me since I tend to describe too much. I'm trying to correct this to lie in the middle.

Your stab is on point. I delve deeper into explaning this, which was another negative aspect of the script.

I'm almost done with the revision. I added more to the story but kept along the lines that this synopsis provides.  Hope you guys find it pleasing.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Just finished Obscure, here's my thoughts.

!!!SPOILERS!!!

Well, hmmm...I don't know about this one. You had a good premise here I felt yet the story never really got off the ground. Basically it's a scared-of-the-dark story but I never really got why Jessica was afraid of the dark (other than the "usual fear of the dark" that children have - I'm a father so I know all about that). It seemed strange that these people/ghost or whatever they are, are visible in the light and yet are invisible to Jessica.

My take on it is this: Jessica can see them in the dark, or at last an obscured version of them. She can't see them in the light but even though she can't see them, they are still there, though they are not able to hurt her in the light (or whatever it is they plan on doing to her). Am I even close here?

A quick question: Did they turn off the light in Hallway? Are they able to do that? And if so, why can't they touch her then?

Like I said, I thought the premise was good, it had potential but nothing really happens in this story. She watches a movie, spills some soda, wipes it up, brushes her teeth and goes to bed. That's pretty much it. I think the script is way to descriptive for the amount of action in it. I understand that you are like stretching every scene to it's fullest, building suspense, but it gets a bit boring after a while because nothing happens.

One thing that kinda rubbed me the wrong way was the fact that Jessica was watching a movie in the middle of the night while her parents are sleeping. That seems a bit odd to me.

The writing itself is very good as is the format. There were a couple of typos but you have probably already been made aware of these.

I think the script needs a little fine tuning for it to work effectively.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob

[Note: Great to hear about the re-write. Will give it a review when it's online]

Hey Rob,

Thanks for reviewing the script. Yeah most of what you point out has been mentioned before by other members. Hopefully the revision will correct these especially Jessica's fear. I deleted most parts to make room for new items. But the story remains the same.

Your take on it is correct. The men was supposed to represent her fear. But that didn't work well.

The incident in the hall would be explained in the revision.  I actually came up with an answer for it.

To explain a child watching a horror movie by herself, I use to that. It was very foolish on my part but I enjoyed making the traditional setting to watch a scary movie.  But this helps drive the story in the revision.  

Gabe

I just finished reading it and to tell the truth...I didn't get it.

There's no explanation as to who or what those people are. I feel like it's not a complete story. Why couldn't Jessica see but they could see her. Are they shadow people who live in the darkness. Are they they dead? Did they come from inside the movie?
It seemed like it was just a random scene taken from one of your scripts.
Where is the rest of it? Interesting scene but I don't know what make of  it.
Maybe it's something that just went way over my head. I'm a bit slow sometimes.


-SHAWN

Mr. Ripley,
Few comments on this.

You describe the sound as "mellowdy". Why not use "melodic". I'm not sure what you have is even a word. I may be wrong.

I don't think you need that initial piece of dialogue. Use action only. In fact, being your only piece of dialogue it's aout of place. The entire story doesn't need any. It's better without any.

You describe the "Simply Casual Man" as dressed "casually". A little redundant. you first describe all three men as dressed in black but then proceed to describe them differently. Why?

I thought this was an interesting, quirky story. I think you should trim it to around 6 or 7 pages. Some of the descriptions were a little long-winded. It would be a much nicer piece trimmed.

Joseph

Thanks for reading Shawn and Joseph.

If you look back at page 1 you will see my explainations for doing what I did. I sent my revision already in. I corrected most of these so hopefully the story comes out good.  Thanks again for the review.

Gabe  

Tahnks Don for posting the revision up. On this script I concentrated on the problems espeically developing Jessica's fear. Hope it worked out.  

Gabe

Hi Mr Ripley

I saw your post over at the script exchange thread and decided to check out your script. I've noticed you're a regular here and I never read any of your stuff (shame on me)

While I kind of got lost with the last six pages with the doctor and the girl in hospital, the first half of your script was amazing.

The girl watching a horror movie, she is all freaked out, jumping at shadows run through the house check every window (great build up)

The girl go to her mother's bed room, Mummy act all weird hidden in shadow. Door open light stream into to room to reveal mum to be . . . . Well I want spoil it but by cripes it freaked me out. And that was just words on paper, It would be a real shocker and great moment on film. A perfect mix of build up, anticipation and total unexpected factor. good stuff.  

Hey tonaktough,

Thanks for reading. I'm happy that you enjoyed it except for the last six pgs. What I tried to do in those last few pages was show that most of these events kinda happened. She just saw differently, for example, the mom. She just could not tell reality. In addition, I tried to put that these men represented her supressed memory of an incident that occured to her (thanks mgj for the psyche angle). They wanted her to remember in order to learn something. These men serve good (an idea from Bert, thanks) as oppose to the original, which i had them as bad but it never conveyed well.  

I'm even overjoyed with the fact that you felt it frightened you. Lol.The buildup was important for me since many people found that as a problem. I'm improving slowly after several failures. I'll repay the read by reading your Sneaky Snatcher.

Gabe

Cool thanks.

and to square it off and make it even I'll look at another of your shorts.

Hey Gabe,

Gave the new draft a read and I must say that it's a major improvement from the first one I read. You did a huge overhaul and now the story makes a lot more sense and at the same time it moves a lot faster. The script is actually a real page-turner now. Good work.

So, kids should watch slasher movies, huh?  

I love that you gave Jessica a back-story and an interesting one even, though I'm not sure that I completely got it. I get that her fear manifest themselves as sort of awaken nightmares, getting reality and fantasy/fear mixed up, but I don't really understand what the purpose of these manifestations are. I can see from your reply to tonaktough that "the guys" are actually good and they're trying to make her remember but I didn't get that from the script at all. I think you should work on that a bit more, flesh it out.

I don't have any thing really to add about the format but I think you need to throw in a couples of (O.C.)'s or (O.S.)'s, instead of using MRS THOMAS’S VOICE or MR THOMAS’S VOICE.

All in all a very enjoyable rewrite. Keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob

Hey sniper,

Thanks for the read. Yeah it took some time and listening to actaually make this better.

To comment on your question, yes...lol. I put that in there since kids usually do things secretly. I watched scary movies without my parents knowing when I was at that age, but they always figured it out quite simply because I was afraid afterwards. It was becuase of Phil that I added a scene from the film she was watching (thanks Phil). It adds more to the horror of what she is experiencing.

For the O.S.'s, I gotta add those in. I'm coming back to this later. I have to finish the Director and have plenty reading material.

Thanks again.

Gabe

Hey Gabe.  Looks like you've been busy on this one.  I like the changes.  For me, I know it's always satisfying when you dig away at a story idea and watch it take shape and come to life.

Just a few things:

I believe you're supposed to use V.O. when someone talks on the other end of a phone conversation.  As well, it seems redundant to use 'into cell' each time Jennifer talks; it's already implied.

The buildup was good - you established a nice senario but this was already present in your previous draft so I'll leave it at that - and those men in dark suits were much creepier now that you gave them more of a purpose.  Funny how something simple like that makes all the difference, doesn't it?

On the topic of those men - I wonder if you need to make a stronger link between them and what she was watching on TV, if I'm correct in assuming that they both represent the demons that are tormenting her.  This would mean then that they are both one and the same.  Maybe they emered from the TV set or maybe they were the villians on the scary program she was watching.  I just think there needs to be some connection, some bridge linking both elements of the story together.

I'm not sure one parent would say to the other 'Our daughter is dead', even if only in a metaphorical sense.  To utter those words as a parent is uncomprehensable as well as unspeakable.  Now, if they said something like 'The daughter we knew is dead' - that might be more realistic.  

The ending, as others have stated, is still a little confusing but think I understand what you're getting at.  My take is that the TV program triggered some memory of a past trauma in her mind.  Ending it the way you did with her seated in front of the TV, I'm assuming she is prepared now to confront her fears.  Maybe it's as simple as adding a few lines of dialogue to explain this.  Or perhaps with a stronger connection, as I stated above, between those men on TV and her fears it would make the ending more understandable.

Anyway, good job and much improved.

-Mike

Hey mgj,

Thanks for the read. I remember these types of horrors when i was young. My favorite shows were Are You Afraid of the Dark on nickolodeon (hope I spelled that right) and the Twillight Zone. No blood, no sex; just simple tales that scared people like ghost stories. This short is an omash to those shows.  

Yeah...I'm still learning about format. I found it quite redundant the cell repeation but I figured I need to stay specific... I was wrong.

For the link I thought the television and the closet door served that. The television inflicting the fear and the closet door bringing it to life. Can you explain it bit about the connection?

I need to strengthen the last few pages since it confused many people. But at least I have a great buildup leading to the confusion...lol.

Gabe

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey mgj, For the link I thought the television and the closet door served that. The television inflicting the fear and the closet door bringing it to life. Can you explain it bit about the connection?

I reread it again.  I guess I just didn't make the connection between those men and what she was watching on TV the first time I read it.  I see what you're doing now - showing the freeze-frame image of that man on the TV and then having him appear to her moments later in the real world (I think anyway).  

Perhaps if he had been a character on the program she was watching then I'm sure I would have figured it out right away.   Anyway, I guess this just highlights the fact that a script needs to be idiot-proof.  

Hope I've cleared this up for you.

Gabe,

I forgot to ask, the movie she's watching - it's not an actual movie right? It's something you came up with right? If so, I think you should make it a little less like Scream. Just a thought.

Cheers
Rob

Hey mgj and sniper,

Mgj:

yeah i have a tendency of complicating things at times. But I see what you mean. Note taken for the revision.

Sniper:
I guess the Scream reference is due to the cell phone and the more people involved.  The sequence is not in any way related to Scream. I tried to make it more as a sign for what was going to happen such as being surrounded by the enemy. But thinking back now to it, I see what you mean. I'll see if I can do something about it in the revision.

Thanks again guys.

Gabe

I read the original and remember enjoying it, despite its flaws. It would be nice to see them side by side so that I can compare them.

In terms of this script:

I'd use an actual public domain film on the TV screen, something like the Cabinet of Dr. Cagliari or something and then have the man coming into the images. That would provide a further shock both at the time and when we see him in the flesh as it were. That's if you keep the current angle...

I preferred the "innocence" of the earlier script. That young fear and excitement. I think the mix of that with the horror techniques of adult films is what gave the original its unique feel. This script explains a little too much for me. You can't please everyone as they say. I think the background to the story brings it into familiar territory whilst the original was something new.

I also think she moves about a bit too readily, it spoils the tension IMO. I'd like to see her fear retained. Rather than going to the bedroom, perhaps she can see the figure coming down the stairs or going to the bathroom, just so she never actually gets to the sanctuary of her parents bedroom.

hey decadencefilms@37,

Thanks for looking at this draft. I think I did better in this one than the first one since based on character development and some areas IMO. One big mistake I fixed were the men in black and the leader. I was also experiemtning with the idea of giving a purpose to these men being the last six pgs of this script, which will be deleted in the revision. I think I'm going to prob settle on the original story.  

I can't please everyone but I want to be in the middle of satisfying the readers and myself; its 50 and 50.  

I wanted to portray life imitaiting art. she watching the film, and the film coming to life. I'm going to be focusing on this now even to the end. I would also need to fix the film scene as well to make it coherent.

Can you explian the Cabinet reference of Dr. Cagliari? I don't quite understand that.

Gabe

http://video.google.co.uk/videosearch?q=public+domain

You can legally use public domain material. There are some classic horrors that you can use for the film in the beginning. It makes it easier to film and gives it a real life presence.

The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari was a particular favourite of mine.

I was thinking you could have the real villain appear in the film and perhaps have Jessica being chased on screen. This would instantly show us her inner turmoil and set the film up from there.

I get it now. I'll see if I can watch the film you suggested. I'm planning to do another overhaul again but keeping a few parts of the story the same. I'm already have some ideas and will get to writing them down.

For the idea you suggested, do you mean that the real villian appears in Jessica's reality world and Jessica in the television? I just want this to be clear since there are two worlds in this short, Jessica's world interclashed with the film and the real world which she losses contact from.

Gabe

I mean that the villain appears on the TV screen first and then Jessica appears in the TV screen as well, being chased or threatened in some way  (perhaps in the way that happened in real life).

This would show us that something happened in the past and that the film has raised the issue in her subconscious.

She could turn the TV off in fear and then you could carry the story on as it is.

It's not a major change to what you already have, I think it just makes it slightly more explicit but without giving the game away.

I comprenhend now. Thanks for the suggestion. I'll consider this in the revision. I need to fix this connection break so, any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

Gabe

Hey Gabe

I remember this one but wow it's changed quite a lot hasn't it.

The original was tense and atmospheric but lacked the story but this revision does the job.  It read really quick but the story was excellent.  

I thought the first draft was about physcological problems but here it's stamped down with a good backstory.  Jessica's lapse and descent into fear was well done and the tension grew as she became aware of her nightmare.  I believe the Man in the red shirt did something horrible to Jessica and the movie triggered the memory which lead to her visions.

The only thing I didn't like was your last scene, I thought leaving the story with an image of the TV would create a better lasting image but hey that's just my opinion.

Good stuff though, I really enjoyed it.

Thanks alffy for looking at this,

I improved a lot on this story. But I still got tiny chuncks to edit out. You are totally correct on your assumptions I just need to make this apparent in the revision. As mgj said before, I need to make this comprendhendable to a child sort of speak. I'm planning to add a beginning as to how she got the film and providing more backstory to Jessica. I will need to edit those last pages but that's for later. Thanks for the suggestion of the tv screen. I already have some ideas flowing.

Gabe  

Thanks Don for posting this up. The third draft is done and up. I decided to keep it simple and stay with the story of the first draft. I just changed the men in the black, their purpose, and the movie scene. Hopefully, the story is more understandable.

Gabe

Hey Gabe, hows it going?  I just finished your script.

I think your idea here is actually pretty cool, but some of your descriptions threw me off a bit.

"Jennifer takes out a cell phone from her jeans pocket."

Just say "jean pocket"

"From the side, a soft CREAKING noise sounds."

A better way I think is "there is a soft creak that comes from the side"

"The bathtub, though, is a bit suspicious. The interior portion is shielded by the white shower curtain."

That line is just plain weird, What makes it suspicious?

"To verify, Jessica examines it herself. Pushing the curtain to the sides, she sees up close no signs of damage. She leaves."

Maybe "Jessica pushes the curtains to the side.  There is no damage.  She leaves."

"Walking towards the house is a BLACK SHIRTED MAN (around mid 20’s). He is dressed in the same fashion as the red shirted man but differs in color shirt."

Maybe "A BALCK SHIRTED MAN(20's) walks towards the house"

Anyways now onto your story, which I did think was neat.  You did create some tension as Jessica lurks through the house.  Maybe it be cool to have some weird sounds like a brush of air whip by, a ghostly gasp or something, add a little more tension that way.

When it came to the ending I was at a loss, I don't think I got it, maybe I had a brain fart, but I was like HUH????????????

Anyways you were able to create tension and it had it's creepy moments.

Hope this helps.

Mr. Ripley,

I enjoyed aspects of this script -- the the men speaking in Jessica's parents voices, the general sense of creepiness, the way you incorporated the film Jessica was watching into her life. But, over all, it left me confused, especially the end.

That said, I'm not sure if I missed something, or if I am to interpret the piece -- giving it my own spin? It's very dark. On one level, I might assume it's a simple story about a young girl who freaks herself out after having watched a horror flick. In the end, her father(?) says "Boo!" Further scaring her. On another, more complicated level, the men may represent a kind of evil purpetrated on the girl by her parents; abuse maybe. Both interpretations are probably wrong.

I've submitted a couple of stories that've left readers scratching their heads. To me, of course, they made perfect sense. I'm guessing this makes perfect sense to you. I'm sure there's a logic to it -- but you've got to convey that logic in a way that others can easily understand (I'm working at doing this myself).

As for the writing, I agree with The Boy Who Could Fly. It's, at times, confusing. This could be corrected by allowing a friend to proof the script before submitting. It's amazing what we miss in our own scripts. It's as if we read not what we wrote, but what we intended to write.

Seth

I didn't much care for this one. I think it could have been a lot better. The men using Jessica's parents' voices were cool. Out of what I did enjoy here, I thought that was the best. I also dug the slow, suspenseful atmosphere you created. However, in the story department, this went a little over my head. I barely understood what was going on. It felt like watching the middle of a horror movie without knowing anything that had happened earlier. Basically, I felt thrust into a situation, not a story. I think this needs to be a little more detailed in regards to plot points. I think it'd be much more immersive that way. The suspense draws one in, I think, but it's not enough. Still, this was a well written piece and it did have some good points. You've got a knack for mood. I just think this could have been executed better.

Thanks guys for reviewing,

I was actually thinking about putting a beginning (explaining how she got the film and such) and an ending (something about her realization to the past) on this story, which I will do so now. I had parts of this in the second draft so I'll incorproate more of my second draft into this one.

I'm still working on my descriptions, trying to keep it clear as possible. need to try much harder now.

But I at least made the story interesting and made you guys feel creepy which is always a pleasure. lol.

I'm going to take a break from this short and work on the Last. I need to work on something else more longer and hopefully understandable. But now my emphasis is on  descriptions and story arc.
Thanks guys,
Gabe

  

Thank you Don for getting this up,

This is the 4th draft of the script.

I changed the ending (hopefully it makes some sense now). I also added a bit more ideas that will inflict more tension and fear.

Hope you enjoy it,
Gabe  

Hi Gabe; Fighting the urge to read the other posts and just give my own opinion, which is this; A girl falls asleep while watching a scary movie and gets caught up in the nightmare.

I liked the cup spilling and the trippy randomness that things start happening; very dream-like, going from the reality of throwing away the cup to sneaking around the house to fighting off Swat Man and Miltary Man.

It could also be a paranoid schizophrenic delusion in which she envisions in her mind, her parents as the Swat and Military man, given the parents voices over the men. Maybe they are symbolic of how her parents treat her.

However, for a nine year old, I'd hope that's not the case and it's just a bad dream for her.

As a side note, I have an eight year old son, and there is no way I'd let him stay up watching a scary movie like that. He might still do it, but he'd really have to be sneaky about it.

Hope this is helpful to you!

Hey Blakkwolfe,

Thanks for the read. The other posts are for the other previous drafts I wrote. But for this draft all I changed the ending since that was the area people had difficulty. That was my first concern and I completed it.

Quoted Text As a side note, I have an eight year old son, and there is no way I'd let him stay up watching a scary movie like that. He might still do it, but he'd really have to be sneaky about it.

  

I think that's a sub plot of horror I brought into this without thinking. The things that children will do behind their parents back.

Your comments are helpful, and I'm glad you enjoyed it,
Gabe

Hey Gabe.  What is this at now - draft #4?  You're really plugging away.  That's usually about were I give up.

Anyway, I prefer your ending in the previous draft to this new one.  It's a little too abrupt and vague.  In fact, if I hadn't read your previous draft I'd have no idea that the man in the grey suit was Jessica's doctor.  I think that needs fixing.

On the plus side, I liked how you gave Jessica's mom the appearance of the military man while still speaking with her own voice.  If I recall that was a switcheroo from previous drafts where she had her own appearance but spoke in someone else's voice.  Nice touch.  I think both versions work but I prefer this one; it's more visual and would play better on screen.

-Mike

Thanks Mike for the read,

I'm always serious with my work, and part of the work is revising.

This is pretty much different from all the three drafts in that I kept this focus to the movie and nothing more. In the previous draft, I tried to do too much espeically with the doctor ending. (Note: I actually started writing a feature on that previous draft. I'm unsure if I'm going to submit since the feature was going to replace this 4th draft. And I really dislike doing sequels but no one ever knows.) So I gave that up for this draft.

This draft is new. The guy in the grey suit is not the doctor. His the guy who planned it out in the movie. I put a telephone headset to point that out that he was the one talking to the girl within the movie.

The switcheroo was with the red shirted man (thrid draft). That needed too much explaintion so I deleted. I kept it simple: movie and Jessica.  

hope this explains some items, and thanks for your choice.

Gabe

Haven't read all the other posts so sorry if I repeat stuff.

I liked this.

You created a pretty suspenseful atmosphere and once the men started popping up I was intrigued to see how this was going to end.  It read pretty fast from that point on and was enjoyable.

A couple things while I was reading:

"lighted" should be lit I think, no 100% sure on that you should probably check it out.  

She pulls a knife on these guys! Wow thats a hardcore nine year old, thats awesome!

pg 13, "Nn" I think should be "No"

While I don't have a problem with the ending I think some people might with its ambiguity and all, but I like it so I think you should leave it but just putting it out there that some people might not like it.

So all in all, pretty good, I enjoyed it. I'm at a loss on how to improve it though, sorry. Not that it needs a lot of improving, like I said it pretty good already.

sheepwalker

I like this Gab,  was good, i like it more then the house breakn one, but that older one with the high class killer still holds its own.

I thought was good creepy vibe.

I noticed u had grey shirt man's (mr. thomas's voice) but since we never hear the wife or fathers voice, how we know it is their voice?

So military guy just has a female voice, and other guy just talk.

pg 5, lol " rude bitch"

U say lighten hallway, but shouldnt it be lit?

Saw that u looking for some views on this so I'm just helping out. If u have any questions.. shoot'em

I woulda like some resolution to what was "really" going on, but u might not wanted it to which I understand. had a twigh light zone feel to it.

This version works much better than the previous one that I read.  You still have your confusing ending, which I guess is just your trademark that we have to live with.  But at least this one seems to have a few possible interpretations, as opposed to the last one, which was just weird.

I really do not get the guy with the headset, though.  But you have a thing for phones in your stories, don’t you?  Or have you not noticed that?  In fact, I see lots of recurring themes in your work, and I think that is a good thing.

In some ways this one reminded me of my own short "All-Mart" (not a plug -- he's read it already), where we don't know if all this is really happening or if the kid is just off their meds or something.  So I was biased towards liking this version anyway, even though you accomplished that kind of confusion well.

On to the script itself, with SPOILERS:

One quick note on your verbiage here, that continues to improve, actually -- but you say, "A plastic cup is visible standing..."  Two common error in this one.

First, avoid "Is visible", and its evil twin, "Can be seen".  Neither of these phrases should ever occur in a screenplay.  Of course it's visible, Gabe.

Second, whenever you can, kill every "ing" that you can.  Say, "A plastic cup stands."

Your nine-year-old says damn?  I guess that is alright.  Odd choice for a kid, though.  She has a few other odd lines.  "I am only nine years old!" is a strange thing for her to say.

This scene paused on the television -- with the two men.  That is nothing like the scene where she paused the movie.  Was that intentional?  To have a different scene?

If so, you should have Jessica looking at the television quizzically.  Let us know you meant to do that.

Otherwise, why not have her watching a scary movie that actually has these two guys in it?  Either way, I was not really clear on that point.

The guy dressed as mom is a good twist, but you only need to tell us once that he is speaking with mom's voice. Or say something like, "He continues to speak with mom's voice" in your description.  The parenthetical gets old fast, and is probably a pain to type anyway.

I do not get your Swat man, though.  You have a mom-character and a dad-character, so who is this third guy?  Is he actually moving the story forward in some way?  Other than getting his butt kicked, I do not see much purpose to his character, and in fact, if there is a true interpretation here, this guy only muddies the water.

I do not know if you have any more drafts of this one left in you, but you have built this story up from your original scenario quite well.  It is a draft that is really improved over the original, not just tweaked, so well done there.

It is creepier, it feels more like a full story, and if you look closely you can actually pull something out of it in terms of what may or may not be going on with young Jessica.  If you do dip back into this one more time, explore the idea of losing your Swat man.  I think he only confuses the issues going on here.

Thanks guys for the read and the grammatical references,

This is my first complete short. And I'm happy that I actually completed one.

Let me start from order:

Sheepwalker,

Quoted Text pg 13, "Nn" I think should be "No"

I believe I put elipses in front of that. I didn't want her to complete the no to display her fear. But I'll check on it.

Quoted Text She pulls a knife on these guys! Wow thats a hardcore nine year old, thats awesome!

She darn well is.

Quoted Text While I don't have a problem with the ending I think some people might with its ambiguity and all, but I like it so I think you should leave it but just putting it out there that some people might not like it.

I intended the ending to be ambigous. It allows the readers to fill that gap. IS she caught by her real parents or by the movie characters? That's left up to the reader.

JD_OK

it's been while. let me know when isolated is done so I can read it.

Quoted Text i like it more then the house breakn one, but that older one with the high class killer still holds its own.

I think almost everyone would agree with you. I'm in the process of revising Closed In now, and it's a lot of work.

Quoted Text I noticed u had grey shirt man's (mr. thomas's voice) but since we never hear the wife or fathers voice, how we know it is their voice?

A screenwriter cannot describe in detail how a person's voice should be, so that's another portion left to the director in determing. In my mind, I already had a voice. I think people will probably know which.  

Quoted Text pg 5, lol " rude b****"

My first attempt at comedy, and I nailed it.


On to Bert

Quoted Text You still have your confusing ending, which I guess is just your trademark that we have to live with.  But at least this one seems to have a few possible interpretations, as opposed to the last one, which was just weird.

I was a beginner in the field of screenwriting, and I did crappy work. Now, I'm fixing my crappy work after some experience in reading and writing scripts.

Quoted Text I really do not get the guy with the headset, though.  But you have a thing for phones in your stories, don?t you?  Or have you not noticed that?  In fact, I see lots of recurring themes in your work, and I think that is a good thing.

I didn't notice that until you brought it up. I see what you mean about some recurring themes especially about the phone. Except I think I didn't use one in A Night To Remember, I'm not sure so I have to go back and check. But I have to tweak that a bit though. I don't want to be trapped to a certain style. Thanks for bringing that up.  

Quoted Text Your nine-year-old says d*rn?  I guess that is alright.  Odd choice for a kid, though.  She has a few other odd lines.  "I am only nine years old!" is a strange thing for her to say.

I really can't say shoot or darn since it sounds crappier. Kids pick up things from other kids and there's no parent supervision. And I think damn is not a bad word to use. The television allows the word b--ch to be said. For the other line, I thought that she would try to plead for her life by saying that she's a child. But I'll review it again.  

Quoted Text This scene paused on the television -- with the two men.  That is nothing like the scene where she paused the movie.  Was that intentional?  To have a different scene?

When the cups drop, the film continues to run. She pauses it when she picks it up. I put the sounds as the door bursting open and the glass crashing in order to show that scene later on. I wanted to show the tormenters and their transition from film to Jessica's reality. But I'll emphasize it more.  

Quoted Text The guy dressed as mom is a good twist, but you only need to tell us once that he is speaking with mom's voice. Or say something like, "He continues to speak with mom's voice" in your description.  The parenthetical gets old fast, and is probably a pain to type anyway.

It did get a pain. Thanks for letting me know. Now, things will be simplier.

Quoted Text I do not get your Swat man, though.  You have a mom-character and a dad-character, so who is this third guy?  Is he actually moving the story forward in some way?  Other than getting his butt kicked, I do not see much purpose to his character, and in fact, if there is a true interpretation here, this guy only muddies the water.

  

When jessica plans to leave the house, I had to stop her some way so the FBI guy came in handy. I also wanted to show that the film world was coming to life. But, I'm going to experiment on how would it look like to eliminate the SWAT man.

Quoted Text I do not know if you have any more drafts of this one left in you, but you have built this story up from your original scenario quite well.  It is a draft that is really improved over the original, not just tweaked, so well done there. It is creepier, it feels more like a full story, and if you look closely you can actually pull something out of it in terms of what may or may not be going on with young Jessica.  If you do dip back into this one more time, explore the idea of losing your Swat man.  I think he only confuses the issues going on here.

I've got to clean this draft, Bert; of course I got more in me. See, this draft is good.  

Gabe

Hey Gabe, just took a look at this one. Got some comments, with spoilers of course.

I think I know what you’re trying to do here, and I like it. First you set up your character’s fear, then she’s victim of some weird and cruel hallucinations that make her confront it. At least, that’s what I got from this piece; the ending leaves the story open for diverse interpretations.

I think you could do better with this premise, though.

Always try to start with a bang, especially in a horror short. You’ve got a lot of strong stuff here, much more interesting than showing her parents peacefully sleeping. The opening was weak in comparison with the rest of the story.

I wonder if you should open with Jennifer’s story (that one really starts with a bang) an then pull back to reveal that this is the movie that your character is watching.

The sudden threat from the 911 operator was shocking and unexpected. Kudos on that.

I’d suggest trimming down the sequence in which Jessica checks the house, it’s a necessary point you’ve got to get across, but it gets a bit repetitive after a while. Maybe a quick montage could do the trick.

Two strangers following her while talking with her parent’s voice would look creepy on screen. Good job on that.

It was kind of hard for me to believe in the wild imagination this little girl had (assuming that these attackers were in her imagination, which I probably got wrong). Maybe if she was a depressed teenager on meds which just got out of the psych ward I could believe this a little more.

Overall I think you’ve got an interesting concept here. I just need a little more tweaking here and there.

Good luck.

Hey Mr. Z,

Thanks for the read and comments, you got my brain working again.

Quoted Text I think I know what you’re trying to do here, and I like it. First you set up your character’s fear, then she’s victim of some weird and cruel hallucinations that make her confront it. At least, that’s what I got from this piece; the ending leaves the story open for diverse interpretations.

You got it partially. It's more as what would happen if the horror from the movie turns real.

Quoted Text Always try to start with a bang, especially in a horror short. You’ve got a lot of strong stuff here, much more interesting than showing her parents peacefully sleeping. The opening was weak in comparison with the rest of the story.

I was establishing where the parents were and how they look like in order to do switcheroo later on. And also show that Jessica is helpless, wathcing the scary movie by herself.

Quoted Text I wonder if you should open with Jennifer’s story (that one really starts with a bang) an then pull back to reveal that this is the movie that your character is watching.

I never thought of this. I was trying to follow the story arc, starting off with everything is calm. But wouldn't it be considered a bit cliche similar to the whole its not a dream thing? You've just got my brain working now thanks.

Quoted Text I’d suggest trimming down the sequence in which Jessica checks the house, it’s a necessary point you’ve got to get across, but it gets a bit repetitive after a while. Maybe a quick montage could do the trick.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Quoted Text It was kind of hard for me to believe in the wild imagination this little girl had (assuming that these attackers were in her imagination, which I probably got wrong). Maybe if she was a depressed teenager on meds which just got out of the psych ward I could believe this a little more.

I took it to the extreme since most of my fears were related to how they were always somewhere in the room, lurking. That was how my first draft was written. But I'm planning to do a version based on what you and Bert suggested.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions,
Gabe

Well, Gabe, I just got got done reading this and I thought it was a good little story. That part with the Military guy in the wig was kind of funny, but unbelievably creepy at the same time. Overall I enjoyed it, but I must say I did not like your punctuation or your description paragraph that much. Too many commas...too much unneeded words. It made my head spin.

I think you should find different ways to describe stuff, like instead of: "Her husband's, MR. JACK THOMAS, back is visible", you could just write something briefer and easier to digest, like: "Her husband's back is visible--JACK" you don't need to say "MR. JACK THOMAS" because if he's Mrs. Thomas' husband, we know he's a Mr. and we know he's a Thomas.lol. xP

"Unharmed, Jessica makes it to..." You don't need to say this. We know she came out unharmed as nothing happened in this scene. You built suspense fine enough, and you don't need that word. Write only what you NEED to write. Funny thing is, this kind of thing always goes right over my head when I'm writing myself.

Another negative for me here is that this COULD have worked amazingly well as a complete short story, but as it is now, it just looks like the opening to a feature. Shorts need to have a solid conclusion. Give us a straight up answer, not a cliffhanger. I was expecting the script to be clearer on this.

Also, I would look for more...unique ways to name--well, unnamed characters such as GRAY SHIRTED MAN or MILITARY MAN. That's just me though.

I was expecting monsters in this script, but there weren't any. Bummer. I just think monsters would've been more appropiate. When I was nine I was never scared of serial killers and weirdos, I was scared of monsters. Then again, I'm a weirdo myself

Hope this helped.

--Julio

Hi Gabe,

First off I want to apologize for not having read this one before. I've seen the title, but this whole time I thought it was a rewrite of that other one I read about a party that goes wrong. I would have read this a long time ago if I wasn't so stupid.  

I thought this one was confusing at times, especially in the beginning, but do not confuse that with me not liking it, I did. In fact I think it has potential to be great even.

I'm giving you a link here to a short film that is really great. Why? because that's what your short script reminded me of when I read it. At first I thought the military man and the swat guy seemed really out of place and silly even, but as the story went along i started thinking, hey maybe Jessica is really having some psychological problems. Maybe this little girl is on medication or something and she hasn't been taking them lately. Maybe the movie on the television triggered these hallucinations of hers. Maybe the Military Man and the Swat Guy really are her parents, but in her current state she sees these killers instead. Imagine how frightening that would be to a kid.

Anyway, that's of course different than what you have right now, but I think if you turned this into a psychological horror instead this could be great. That's just my humble opinion...

http://www.atomfilms.com/film/still_life.jsp?channelKeyword=all_genre_sci_fi_horror

Good luck with it.

Thanks Pia for the read.

Quoted Text First off I want to apologize for not having read this one before. I've seen the title, but this whole time I thought it was a rewrite of that other one I read about a party that goes wrong. I would have read this a long time ago if I wasn't so stupid.

You're not stupid. No worries. But now, I'm just curious if you liked that story (the one where the party goes wrong) or not. I'll have to go back and check if you reviewed it or not.

I have plans in going back to work on that story; I have an outline already. But now, I'm maintaining focus on Caine.

I did an earlier draft where I hint at Jessica's medical problem. I guess I'll have to
go back and work from there. I didn't want to since it adds to much explanation of why these things are occuring to her. I wanted it to be interpretive. But darn with it... a writer can't beat out a majority vote. I'll see how it turns out to be.

Thanks for the moive selection,
Gabe
  

Thanks for the comment courhaw.

I'm really glad you liked the descriptions, something that I'm always worried about.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Damn, I hadn't noticed you'd posted a third draft. Well, having read the first and second drafts I knew I had to give this a read (btw. it's great to see that someone actually rewrites their scripts - doesn't happen too often here. People say they will but it rarely happens).

Okay, on with the review.

This script has really evolved since the first draft I read. The second draft added a needed layer that really improved the script, but I must admit I think it's moving in the wrong direction now. It's almost too simple now. The second draft included a kind of back-story about Jessica, but with that removed in this third draft the story falls somewhat short imo. It has a first and second act but when I finished this it felt like something was missing - like, the third act. You ended the script on a cliffhanger, and since this is not one of those "to-be-continued" pieces, I feel you need to resolve the situation. I don't mean the story should have a happy ending - just an ending period.

If I hadn't read the two previous drafts, this would simply read as a very generic thriller flick about a girl whose worst fears manifest themselves. Stock - and not very original.

My advise to you is that you go back to the second draft and simply flesh out Jessica's back-story. That, in my opinion, would make this story not only stand out considerably but also much more interesting.

The movie sequence in the beginning runs waaaay too long. It takes up about 4 pages in this 15-page script. Imo. it doesn't matter what that movie is all about, you only have to establish that it's a horror movie and then briefly show the few characters you need. That could be done in a couple of paragraphs - not 4 pages.

With regards to format, I think it needs a little work. There's a couple of instances where you write "IN THE HALLWAY" or "IN THE LIVINGROOM" etc. as a slug line. Just write "HALLWAY" or "LIVINGROOM" etc. (you actually do that later in the script - but you should be consistent). Also, don't state in the slug whether the Hallway is dimly lit or not, save that for your action paragraphs.

The movie sequence should be done as a "INSERT - THE TV" and not "FROM THE TELEVISION" and should've ended with either a "BACK TO SCENE" or a new scene heading.

Another thing, and this is small stuff, but I don't feel it's necessary to call Jessica's parents MRS. SUSAN THOMAS and MR. JACK THOMAS, their names sorta give away who's the man and who's the woman. If you wanna add title you should call them Mrs. Thomas and Mr. Thomas (though that does seem a little too sterile).

All in all I thought this was somewhat disappointing compared to the earlier drafts. The story is there alright, you just have to find it again.


Cheers
Rob

PS: The title, Obscure, has sort of outlived its usefulness with this draft. Though the title accurately relayed the story from the first draft, and to a lesser extend the second draft, I simply feel it has no point anymore or relevance to the story. Well, just a thought.

[EDIT: Gabe, it just occured to me that it was the fourth draft I read and not the third - missed that one completely, sorry about that. Cheers Rob]

Thanks Rob for the review.

Quoted Text This script has really evolved since the first draft I read. The second draft added a needed layer that really improved the script, but I must admit I think it's moving in the wrong direction now. It's almost too simple now. The second draft included a kind of back-story about Jessica, but with that removed in this third draft the story falls somewhat short imo. It has a first and second act but when I finished this it felt like something was missing - like, the third act. You ended the script on a cliffhanger, and since this is not one of those "to-be-continued" pieces, I feel you need to resolve the situation. I don't mean the story should have a happy ending - just an ending period.

I've decided to make this into a feature continuing off from the hospital, probably have the chase continue into their. This will allow me to add a fuller backstory. That's essientially what I lacked. I've learned alot since then from the site. I already have som characters to add in the chase;  and they will move the story.

Quoted Text With regards to format, I think it needs a little work. There's a couple of instances where you write "IN THE HALLWAY" or "IN THE LIVINGROOM" etc. as a slug line. Just write "HALLWAY" or "LIVINGROOM" etc. (you actually do that later in the script - but you should be consistent). Also, don't state in the slug whether the Hallway is dimly lit or not, save that for your action paragraphs. The movie sequence should be done as a "INSERT - THE TV" and not "FROM THE TELEVISION" and should've ended with either a "BACK TO SCENE" or a new scene heading.

Thanks for the suggestion on formatting. I'm still learning and it was my first time doing something like this.

Quoted Text The movie sequence in the beginning runs waaaay too long. It takes up about 4 pages in this 15-page script. Imo. it doesn't matter what that movie is all about, you only have to establish that it's a horror movie and then briefly show the few characters you need. That could be done in a couple of paragraphs - not 4 pages.

In regards to the movie scene, when I was writing, I saw it as a good transition from the character in the movie to Jessica. Also, I wanted to inflict some fear as well so that they be placed in Jessica shoes. And I really like that sequence. I think I could still keep it for now if I'm making this into a feature. But I'll still keep it mind when I redraft this. I have a tendency to always come back to these reviews when I rewrite so I can refresh my memory.

I got a whole lists of work to rewrite.

Thanks Rob
Gabe

P.S. About the title, I'm going to be continue using Obscure for the time being until something else comes to me. That's how I kinda of work. Things usually come to me and I take it for what's it worth. Obscure has been good to me so, it'll live for a while. lol. beofre i send it packing. Thanks again. (And don't mind about the draft, I sometimes forget myself.)

Just read it, seemed to flow very nicely and read it rather quickly surprisingly.

Loved how it was written, though I wasn't sure what was going on. I mean Jessica watched a horror movie about these men, who then either manifested themselves into her reality through fear or were they actually there? I got the impression she was so scared she thought these men in halloween masks were coming to kill her but were in fact just her father trying to make her snap out of it?

Seen you mentioned Are you Afraid of the Dark, I use to watch that too years ago as a young lad

Thanks for the review. I'm actually in the process of revising this. MAny people don't get it. It actually was the horror movie coming to live. But I'm fixing this at the moment, hence the revision. But thanks.

Gabe

Cool, kind of like 'Last Action Hero'? I see where you're going with this now.