Gabe,

Got to hand it to you, that was creepy.  Plus you've gotten better at writing. Kudos.

But while it was creepy and had atmosphere, it lacked story.  Nothing happened, nor did it leave me with any impression that anything would.   You have some good characters here - how do they interact?  

Good work. Keep writing.  

My notes follow.

pg1
not sure if augments is the word you want here.
In the HALLWAY  should be all caps
MELLOWDY - MELODY
Following the light?
Near her unseen side?  How do one see an unseen side?
quarter fill - quarter full
pg2
toward to - toward.
the area is clear. Jessica examines the area and comes up with the same conclusion. - Jessica examines the area. The area is clear.
She walks over to - you don't need to tell us every step (this is tough but it's good to keep in mind)
Way too much description of what she is doing with the remote and the drink and the bowl.  It better be there for a reason.
pg3
slips her hand - hunh?
Is the black suited man in the hallway with her? I'm confused.  Why doesn't she see him?
inserts - not sure this is the word you want.
pg4
she should pick up the remote too.
So, I'm guessing they aren't visible to Jessica.
pg6
The long overcoat man follows her every step his head?
pg7
Forearm raise - Forearm raised
Why would she lock the bathroom door to brush her teeth?

Hey mcornetto,

Thanks for the compliments. I still need to improve this piece more in developing Jessica's fear and the interaction aspect. But i've been getting some ideas to fix that.

To comment on some of your notes, my wordiness will be under control in the next draft. I will also need to be specific in most parts as well. this is a issue with me when writing descriptions. But it will be in control. For the bathroom, in order to show her fear, she closed the door. But the fear was never developed fully to the reader so I will need to enhance this aspect.

thanks for your review.

Gabe

I think that what I say first might surprise you as far as coincidences go.

The Obscure is also the name of a feature I wrote 5 years ago give or take and the main characters name was Jessica and it started in the dark of her bedroom and ended in her parents room.

The reason I call it coincidence because the scenes are nothing alike and only very few have actually read it.

I thought you might get a chuckle out of that.

Anyway, I didn't feel drawn into this short but that is more of me not being a giant fan of the genre.

The writing and descriptions are well done and the idea is fairly unique.

I noticed you condensed the word background to B.G. quite a bit.

The only thing I can say is that I look forward to reading something else of yours because this shows you have stories to tell that people will want to read.

These kinds of reviews always feel as if the reader just read over other reviews and just slapped together a review. Honestly, I couldn't find much else to say other than my nitpickings at the genre and people will keep doing it no matter how much one nitpicks at the genre in general.

I am sorry I couldn't offer much else but if you have any specific scenes that you'd like to know about just ask or if you have something else you'd like read just ask. I have quite some time to sit here and do nothing.

That is a very odd concidence. Two people with the same title, main character name and similar topic. Very odd. Prob. good for a story.  

Thanks for your review. I'm nearly done in revising this story. I changed alot and hopefully I developed Jessica's fear more. This was one problem people had with the story.

I condense background since spelling the whole word out takes space that can be used for more story entry. I'm already hooked on to your series "Better Days" I'm going to continue reading it; hope their are more episodes to come.  

Gabe

Hey Gabe

I'll start by saying nice brand dropping included in this short lol.

I noticed a few typo's in here and a few of your descriptions are too deep but overall nothing major.

Right story wise...I enjoyed this read but I'm not entirely sure I got the concept.  I'll have a stab at it though, are the men figments of Jessica's imagination?  Shadows in the darkness and physcological figments, once in light they simply cease to be or at least are no longer threatening.

Overall I thought this was a nice script and believe this would look very creepy on film.  Good stuff.

Hey alffy,

Thanks for reading this. The brand 's will be eliminated in the revision.

Descriptions is a major problem for me since I tend to describe too much. I'm trying to correct this to lie in the middle.

Your stab is on point. I delve deeper into explaning this, which was another negative aspect of the script.

I'm almost done with the revision. I added more to the story but kept along the lines that this synopsis provides.  Hope you guys find it pleasing.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Just finished Obscure, here's my thoughts.

!!!SPOILERS!!!

Well, hmmm...I don't know about this one. You had a good premise here I felt yet the story never really got off the ground. Basically it's a scared-of-the-dark story but I never really got why Jessica was afraid of the dark (other than the "usual fear of the dark" that children have - I'm a father so I know all about that). It seemed strange that these people/ghost or whatever they are, are visible in the light and yet are invisible to Jessica.

My take on it is this: Jessica can see them in the dark, or at last an obscured version of them. She can't see them in the light but even though she can't see them, they are still there, though they are not able to hurt her in the light (or whatever it is they plan on doing to her). Am I even close here?

A quick question: Did they turn off the light in Hallway? Are they able to do that? And if so, why can't they touch her then?

Like I said, I thought the premise was good, it had potential but nothing really happens in this story. She watches a movie, spills some soda, wipes it up, brushes her teeth and goes to bed. That's pretty much it. I think the script is way to descriptive for the amount of action in it. I understand that you are like stretching every scene to it's fullest, building suspense, but it gets a bit boring after a while because nothing happens.

One thing that kinda rubbed me the wrong way was the fact that Jessica was watching a movie in the middle of the night while her parents are sleeping. That seems a bit odd to me.

The writing itself is very good as is the format. There were a couple of typos but you have probably already been made aware of these.

I think the script needs a little fine tuning for it to work effectively.

Anyway, keep up the good work.

Cheers
Rob

[Note: Great to hear about the re-write. Will give it a review when it's online]

Hey Rob,

Thanks for reviewing the script. Yeah most of what you point out has been mentioned before by other members. Hopefully the revision will correct these especially Jessica's fear. I deleted most parts to make room for new items. But the story remains the same.

Your take on it is correct. The men was supposed to represent her fear. But that didn't work well.

The incident in the hall would be explained in the revision.  I actually came up with an answer for it.

To explain a child watching a horror movie by herself, I use to that. It was very foolish on my part but I enjoyed making the traditional setting to watch a scary movie.  But this helps drive the story in the revision.  

Gabe

I just finished reading it and to tell the truth...I didn't get it.

There's no explanation as to who or what those people are. I feel like it's not a complete story. Why couldn't Jessica see but they could see her. Are they shadow people who live in the darkness. Are they they dead? Did they come from inside the movie?
It seemed like it was just a random scene taken from one of your scripts.
Where is the rest of it? Interesting scene but I don't know what make of  it.
Maybe it's something that just went way over my head. I'm a bit slow sometimes.


-SHAWN

Mr. Ripley,
Few comments on this.

You describe the sound as "mellowdy". Why not use "melodic". I'm not sure what you have is even a word. I may be wrong.

I don't think you need that initial piece of dialogue. Use action only. In fact, being your only piece of dialogue it's aout of place. The entire story doesn't need any. It's better without any.

You describe the "Simply Casual Man" as dressed "casually". A little redundant. you first describe all three men as dressed in black but then proceed to describe them differently. Why?

I thought this was an interesting, quirky story. I think you should trim it to around 6 or 7 pages. Some of the descriptions were a little long-winded. It would be a much nicer piece trimmed.

Joseph

Thanks for reading Shawn and Joseph.

If you look back at page 1 you will see my explainations for doing what I did. I sent my revision already in. I corrected most of these so hopefully the story comes out good.  Thanks again for the review.

Gabe  

Tahnks Don for posting the revision up. On this script I concentrated on the problems espeically developing Jessica's fear. Hope it worked out.  

Gabe

Hi Mr Ripley

I saw your post over at the script exchange thread and decided to check out your script. I've noticed you're a regular here and I never read any of your stuff (shame on me)

While I kind of got lost with the last six pages with the doctor and the girl in hospital, the first half of your script was amazing.

The girl watching a horror movie, she is all freaked out, jumping at shadows run through the house check every window (great build up)

The girl go to her mother's bed room, Mummy act all weird hidden in shadow. Door open light stream into to room to reveal mum to be . . . . Well I want spoil it but by cripes it freaked me out. And that was just words on paper, It would be a real shocker and great moment on film. A perfect mix of build up, anticipation and total unexpected factor. good stuff.  

Hey tonaktough,

Thanks for reading. I'm happy that you enjoyed it except for the last six pgs. What I tried to do in those last few pages was show that most of these events kinda happened. She just saw differently, for example, the mom. She just could not tell reality. In addition, I tried to put that these men represented her supressed memory of an incident that occured to her (thanks mgj for the psyche angle). They wanted her to remember in order to learn something. These men serve good (an idea from Bert, thanks) as oppose to the original, which i had them as bad but it never conveyed well.  

I'm even overjoyed with the fact that you felt it frightened you. Lol.The buildup was important for me since many people found that as a problem. I'm improving slowly after several failures. I'll repay the read by reading your Sneaky Snatcher.

Gabe

Cool thanks.

and to square it off and make it even I'll look at another of your shorts.