Thanks Don for posting this up. The third draft is done and up. I decided to keep it simple and stay with the story of the first draft. I just changed the men in the black, their purpose, and the movie scene. Hopefully, the story is more understandable.

Gabe

Hey Gabe, hows it going?  I just finished your script.

I think your idea here is actually pretty cool, but some of your descriptions threw me off a bit.

"Jennifer takes out a cell phone from her jeans pocket."

Just say "jean pocket"

"From the side, a soft CREAKING noise sounds."

A better way I think is "there is a soft creak that comes from the side"

"The bathtub, though, is a bit suspicious. The interior portion is shielded by the white shower curtain."

That line is just plain weird, What makes it suspicious?

"To verify, Jessica examines it herself. Pushing the curtain to the sides, she sees up close no signs of damage. She leaves."

Maybe "Jessica pushes the curtains to the side.  There is no damage.  She leaves."

"Walking towards the house is a BLACK SHIRTED MAN (around mid 20’s). He is dressed in the same fashion as the red shirted man but differs in color shirt."

Maybe "A BALCK SHIRTED MAN(20's) walks towards the house"

Anyways now onto your story, which I did think was neat.  You did create some tension as Jessica lurks through the house.  Maybe it be cool to have some weird sounds like a brush of air whip by, a ghostly gasp or something, add a little more tension that way.

When it came to the ending I was at a loss, I don't think I got it, maybe I had a brain fart, but I was like HUH????????????

Anyways you were able to create tension and it had it's creepy moments.

Hope this helps.

Mr. Ripley,

I enjoyed aspects of this script -- the the men speaking in Jessica's parents voices, the general sense of creepiness, the way you incorporated the film Jessica was watching into her life. But, over all, it left me confused, especially the end.

That said, I'm not sure if I missed something, or if I am to interpret the piece -- giving it my own spin? It's very dark. On one level, I might assume it's a simple story about a young girl who freaks herself out after having watched a horror flick. In the end, her father(?) says "Boo!" Further scaring her. On another, more complicated level, the men may represent a kind of evil purpetrated on the girl by her parents; abuse maybe. Both interpretations are probably wrong.

I've submitted a couple of stories that've left readers scratching their heads. To me, of course, they made perfect sense. I'm guessing this makes perfect sense to you. I'm sure there's a logic to it -- but you've got to convey that logic in a way that others can easily understand (I'm working at doing this myself).

As for the writing, I agree with The Boy Who Could Fly. It's, at times, confusing. This could be corrected by allowing a friend to proof the script before submitting. It's amazing what we miss in our own scripts. It's as if we read not what we wrote, but what we intended to write.

Seth

I didn't much care for this one. I think it could have been a lot better. The men using Jessica's parents' voices were cool. Out of what I did enjoy here, I thought that was the best. I also dug the slow, suspenseful atmosphere you created. However, in the story department, this went a little over my head. I barely understood what was going on. It felt like watching the middle of a horror movie without knowing anything that had happened earlier. Basically, I felt thrust into a situation, not a story. I think this needs to be a little more detailed in regards to plot points. I think it'd be much more immersive that way. The suspense draws one in, I think, but it's not enough. Still, this was a well written piece and it did have some good points. You've got a knack for mood. I just think this could have been executed better.

Thanks guys for reviewing,

I was actually thinking about putting a beginning (explaining how she got the film and such) and an ending (something about her realization to the past) on this story, which I will do so now. I had parts of this in the second draft so I'll incorproate more of my second draft into this one.

I'm still working on my descriptions, trying to keep it clear as possible. need to try much harder now.

But I at least made the story interesting and made you guys feel creepy which is always a pleasure. lol.

I'm going to take a break from this short and work on the Last. I need to work on something else more longer and hopefully understandable. But now my emphasis is on  descriptions and story arc.
Thanks guys,
Gabe

  

Thank you Don for getting this up,

This is the 4th draft of the script.

I changed the ending (hopefully it makes some sense now). I also added a bit more ideas that will inflict more tension and fear.

Hope you enjoy it,
Gabe  

Hi Gabe; Fighting the urge to read the other posts and just give my own opinion, which is this; A girl falls asleep while watching a scary movie and gets caught up in the nightmare.

I liked the cup spilling and the trippy randomness that things start happening; very dream-like, going from the reality of throwing away the cup to sneaking around the house to fighting off Swat Man and Miltary Man.

It could also be a paranoid schizophrenic delusion in which she envisions in her mind, her parents as the Swat and Military man, given the parents voices over the men. Maybe they are symbolic of how her parents treat her.

However, for a nine year old, I'd hope that's not the case and it's just a bad dream for her.

As a side note, I have an eight year old son, and there is no way I'd let him stay up watching a scary movie like that. He might still do it, but he'd really have to be sneaky about it.

Hope this is helpful to you!

Hey Blakkwolfe,

Thanks for the read. The other posts are for the other previous drafts I wrote. But for this draft all I changed the ending since that was the area people had difficulty. That was my first concern and I completed it.

Quoted Text As a side note, I have an eight year old son, and there is no way I'd let him stay up watching a scary movie like that. He might still do it, but he'd really have to be sneaky about it.

  

I think that's a sub plot of horror I brought into this without thinking. The things that children will do behind their parents back.

Your comments are helpful, and I'm glad you enjoyed it,
Gabe

Hey Gabe.  What is this at now - draft #4?  You're really plugging away.  That's usually about were I give up.

Anyway, I prefer your ending in the previous draft to this new one.  It's a little too abrupt and vague.  In fact, if I hadn't read your previous draft I'd have no idea that the man in the grey suit was Jessica's doctor.  I think that needs fixing.

On the plus side, I liked how you gave Jessica's mom the appearance of the military man while still speaking with her own voice.  If I recall that was a switcheroo from previous drafts where she had her own appearance but spoke in someone else's voice.  Nice touch.  I think both versions work but I prefer this one; it's more visual and would play better on screen.

-Mike

Thanks Mike for the read,

I'm always serious with my work, and part of the work is revising.

This is pretty much different from all the three drafts in that I kept this focus to the movie and nothing more. In the previous draft, I tried to do too much espeically with the doctor ending. (Note: I actually started writing a feature on that previous draft. I'm unsure if I'm going to submit since the feature was going to replace this 4th draft. And I really dislike doing sequels but no one ever knows.) So I gave that up for this draft.

This draft is new. The guy in the grey suit is not the doctor. His the guy who planned it out in the movie. I put a telephone headset to point that out that he was the one talking to the girl within the movie.

The switcheroo was with the red shirted man (thrid draft). That needed too much explaintion so I deleted. I kept it simple: movie and Jessica.  

hope this explains some items, and thanks for your choice.

Gabe

Haven't read all the other posts so sorry if I repeat stuff.

I liked this.

You created a pretty suspenseful atmosphere and once the men started popping up I was intrigued to see how this was going to end.  It read pretty fast from that point on and was enjoyable.

A couple things while I was reading:

"lighted" should be lit I think, no 100% sure on that you should probably check it out.  

She pulls a knife on these guys! Wow thats a hardcore nine year old, thats awesome!

pg 13, "Nn" I think should be "No"

While I don't have a problem with the ending I think some people might with its ambiguity and all, but I like it so I think you should leave it but just putting it out there that some people might not like it.

So all in all, pretty good, I enjoyed it. I'm at a loss on how to improve it though, sorry. Not that it needs a lot of improving, like I said it pretty good already.

sheepwalker

I like this Gab,  was good, i like it more then the house breakn one, but that older one with the high class killer still holds its own.

I thought was good creepy vibe.

I noticed u had grey shirt man's (mr. thomas's voice) but since we never hear the wife or fathers voice, how we know it is their voice?

So military guy just has a female voice, and other guy just talk.

pg 5, lol " rude bitch"

U say lighten hallway, but shouldnt it be lit?

Saw that u looking for some views on this so I'm just helping out. If u have any questions.. shoot'em

I woulda like some resolution to what was "really" going on, but u might not wanted it to which I understand. had a twigh light zone feel to it.

This version works much better than the previous one that I read.  You still have your confusing ending, which I guess is just your trademark that we have to live with.  But at least this one seems to have a few possible interpretations, as opposed to the last one, which was just weird.

I really do not get the guy with the headset, though.  But you have a thing for phones in your stories, don’t you?  Or have you not noticed that?  In fact, I see lots of recurring themes in your work, and I think that is a good thing.

In some ways this one reminded me of my own short "All-Mart" (not a plug -- he's read it already), where we don't know if all this is really happening or if the kid is just off their meds or something.  So I was biased towards liking this version anyway, even though you accomplished that kind of confusion well.

On to the script itself, with SPOILERS:

One quick note on your verbiage here, that continues to improve, actually -- but you say, "A plastic cup is visible standing..."  Two common error in this one.

First, avoid "Is visible", and its evil twin, "Can be seen".  Neither of these phrases should ever occur in a screenplay.  Of course it's visible, Gabe.

Second, whenever you can, kill every "ing" that you can.  Say, "A plastic cup stands."

Your nine-year-old says damn?  I guess that is alright.  Odd choice for a kid, though.  She has a few other odd lines.  "I am only nine years old!" is a strange thing for her to say.

This scene paused on the television -- with the two men.  That is nothing like the scene where she paused the movie.  Was that intentional?  To have a different scene?

If so, you should have Jessica looking at the television quizzically.  Let us know you meant to do that.

Otherwise, why not have her watching a scary movie that actually has these two guys in it?  Either way, I was not really clear on that point.

The guy dressed as mom is a good twist, but you only need to tell us once that he is speaking with mom's voice. Or say something like, "He continues to speak with mom's voice" in your description.  The parenthetical gets old fast, and is probably a pain to type anyway.

I do not get your Swat man, though.  You have a mom-character and a dad-character, so who is this third guy?  Is he actually moving the story forward in some way?  Other than getting his butt kicked, I do not see much purpose to his character, and in fact, if there is a true interpretation here, this guy only muddies the water.

I do not know if you have any more drafts of this one left in you, but you have built this story up from your original scenario quite well.  It is a draft that is really improved over the original, not just tweaked, so well done there.

It is creepier, it feels more like a full story, and if you look closely you can actually pull something out of it in terms of what may or may not be going on with young Jessica.  If you do dip back into this one more time, explore the idea of losing your Swat man.  I think he only confuses the issues going on here.

Thanks guys for the read and the grammatical references,

This is my first complete short. And I'm happy that I actually completed one.

Let me start from order:

Sheepwalker,

Quoted Text pg 13, "Nn" I think should be "No"

I believe I put elipses in front of that. I didn't want her to complete the no to display her fear. But I'll check on it.

Quoted Text She pulls a knife on these guys! Wow thats a hardcore nine year old, thats awesome!

She darn well is.

Quoted Text While I don't have a problem with the ending I think some people might with its ambiguity and all, but I like it so I think you should leave it but just putting it out there that some people might not like it.

I intended the ending to be ambigous. It allows the readers to fill that gap. IS she caught by her real parents or by the movie characters? That's left up to the reader.

JD_OK

it's been while. let me know when isolated is done so I can read it.

Quoted Text i like it more then the house breakn one, but that older one with the high class killer still holds its own.

I think almost everyone would agree with you. I'm in the process of revising Closed In now, and it's a lot of work.

Quoted Text I noticed u had grey shirt man's (mr. thomas's voice) but since we never hear the wife or fathers voice, how we know it is their voice?

A screenwriter cannot describe in detail how a person's voice should be, so that's another portion left to the director in determing. In my mind, I already had a voice. I think people will probably know which.  

Quoted Text pg 5, lol " rude b****"

My first attempt at comedy, and I nailed it.


On to Bert

Quoted Text You still have your confusing ending, which I guess is just your trademark that we have to live with.  But at least this one seems to have a few possible interpretations, as opposed to the last one, which was just weird.

I was a beginner in the field of screenwriting, and I did crappy work. Now, I'm fixing my crappy work after some experience in reading and writing scripts.

Quoted Text I really do not get the guy with the headset, though.  But you have a thing for phones in your stories, don?t you?  Or have you not noticed that?  In fact, I see lots of recurring themes in your work, and I think that is a good thing.

I didn't notice that until you brought it up. I see what you mean about some recurring themes especially about the phone. Except I think I didn't use one in A Night To Remember, I'm not sure so I have to go back and check. But I have to tweak that a bit though. I don't want to be trapped to a certain style. Thanks for bringing that up.  

Quoted Text Your nine-year-old says d*rn?  I guess that is alright.  Odd choice for a kid, though.  She has a few other odd lines.  "I am only nine years old!" is a strange thing for her to say.

I really can't say shoot or darn since it sounds crappier. Kids pick up things from other kids and there's no parent supervision. And I think damn is not a bad word to use. The television allows the word b--ch to be said. For the other line, I thought that she would try to plead for her life by saying that she's a child. But I'll review it again.  

Quoted Text This scene paused on the television -- with the two men.  That is nothing like the scene where she paused the movie.  Was that intentional?  To have a different scene?

When the cups drop, the film continues to run. She pauses it when she picks it up. I put the sounds as the door bursting open and the glass crashing in order to show that scene later on. I wanted to show the tormenters and their transition from film to Jessica's reality. But I'll emphasize it more.  

Quoted Text The guy dressed as mom is a good twist, but you only need to tell us once that he is speaking with mom's voice. Or say something like, "He continues to speak with mom's voice" in your description.  The parenthetical gets old fast, and is probably a pain to type anyway.

It did get a pain. Thanks for letting me know. Now, things will be simplier.

Quoted Text I do not get your Swat man, though.  You have a mom-character and a dad-character, so who is this third guy?  Is he actually moving the story forward in some way?  Other than getting his butt kicked, I do not see much purpose to his character, and in fact, if there is a true interpretation here, this guy only muddies the water.

  

When jessica plans to leave the house, I had to stop her some way so the FBI guy came in handy. I also wanted to show that the film world was coming to life. But, I'm going to experiment on how would it look like to eliminate the SWAT man.

Quoted Text I do not know if you have any more drafts of this one left in you, but you have built this story up from your original scenario quite well.  It is a draft that is really improved over the original, not just tweaked, so well done there. It is creepier, it feels more like a full story, and if you look closely you can actually pull something out of it in terms of what may or may not be going on with young Jessica.  If you do dip back into this one more time, explore the idea of losing your Swat man.  I think he only confuses the issues going on here.

I've got to clean this draft, Bert; of course I got more in me. See, this draft is good.  

Gabe

Hey Gabe, just took a look at this one. Got some comments, with spoilers of course.

I think I know what you’re trying to do here, and I like it. First you set up your character’s fear, then she’s victim of some weird and cruel hallucinations that make her confront it. At least, that’s what I got from this piece; the ending leaves the story open for diverse interpretations.

I think you could do better with this premise, though.

Always try to start with a bang, especially in a horror short. You’ve got a lot of strong stuff here, much more interesting than showing her parents peacefully sleeping. The opening was weak in comparison with the rest of the story.

I wonder if you should open with Jennifer’s story (that one really starts with a bang) an then pull back to reveal that this is the movie that your character is watching.

The sudden threat from the 911 operator was shocking and unexpected. Kudos on that.

I’d suggest trimming down the sequence in which Jessica checks the house, it’s a necessary point you’ve got to get across, but it gets a bit repetitive after a while. Maybe a quick montage could do the trick.

Two strangers following her while talking with her parent’s voice would look creepy on screen. Good job on that.

It was kind of hard for me to believe in the wild imagination this little girl had (assuming that these attackers were in her imagination, which I probably got wrong). Maybe if she was a depressed teenager on meds which just got out of the psych ward I could believe this a little more.

Overall I think you’ve got an interesting concept here. I just need a little more tweaking here and there.

Good luck.