Hey Mr. Z,

Thanks for the read and comments, you got my brain working again.

Quoted Text I think I know what you’re trying to do here, and I like it. First you set up your character’s fear, then she’s victim of some weird and cruel hallucinations that make her confront it. At least, that’s what I got from this piece; the ending leaves the story open for diverse interpretations.

You got it partially. It's more as what would happen if the horror from the movie turns real.

Quoted Text Always try to start with a bang, especially in a horror short. You’ve got a lot of strong stuff here, much more interesting than showing her parents peacefully sleeping. The opening was weak in comparison with the rest of the story.

I was establishing where the parents were and how they look like in order to do switcheroo later on. And also show that Jessica is helpless, wathcing the scary movie by herself.

Quoted Text I wonder if you should open with Jennifer’s story (that one really starts with a bang) an then pull back to reveal that this is the movie that your character is watching.

I never thought of this. I was trying to follow the story arc, starting off with everything is calm. But wouldn't it be considered a bit cliche similar to the whole its not a dream thing? You've just got my brain working now thanks.

Quoted Text I’d suggest trimming down the sequence in which Jessica checks the house, it’s a necessary point you’ve got to get across, but it gets a bit repetitive after a while. Maybe a quick montage could do the trick.

Thanks for the suggestion.

Quoted Text It was kind of hard for me to believe in the wild imagination this little girl had (assuming that these attackers were in her imagination, which I probably got wrong). Maybe if she was a depressed teenager on meds which just got out of the psych ward I could believe this a little more.

I took it to the extreme since most of my fears were related to how they were always somewhere in the room, lurking. That was how my first draft was written. But I'm planning to do a version based on what you and Bert suggested.

Thanks for the comments and suggestions,
Gabe

Well, Gabe, I just got got done reading this and I thought it was a good little story. That part with the Military guy in the wig was kind of funny, but unbelievably creepy at the same time. Overall I enjoyed it, but I must say I did not like your punctuation or your description paragraph that much. Too many commas...too much unneeded words. It made my head spin.

I think you should find different ways to describe stuff, like instead of: "Her husband's, MR. JACK THOMAS, back is visible", you could just write something briefer and easier to digest, like: "Her husband's back is visible--JACK" you don't need to say "MR. JACK THOMAS" because if he's Mrs. Thomas' husband, we know he's a Mr. and we know he's a Thomas.lol. xP

"Unharmed, Jessica makes it to..." You don't need to say this. We know she came out unharmed as nothing happened in this scene. You built suspense fine enough, and you don't need that word. Write only what you NEED to write. Funny thing is, this kind of thing always goes right over my head when I'm writing myself.

Another negative for me here is that this COULD have worked amazingly well as a complete short story, but as it is now, it just looks like the opening to a feature. Shorts need to have a solid conclusion. Give us a straight up answer, not a cliffhanger. I was expecting the script to be clearer on this.

Also, I would look for more...unique ways to name--well, unnamed characters such as GRAY SHIRTED MAN or MILITARY MAN. That's just me though.

I was expecting monsters in this script, but there weren't any. Bummer. I just think monsters would've been more appropiate. When I was nine I was never scared of serial killers and weirdos, I was scared of monsters. Then again, I'm a weirdo myself

Hope this helped.

--Julio

Hi Gabe,

First off I want to apologize for not having read this one before. I've seen the title, but this whole time I thought it was a rewrite of that other one I read about a party that goes wrong. I would have read this a long time ago if I wasn't so stupid.  

I thought this one was confusing at times, especially in the beginning, but do not confuse that with me not liking it, I did. In fact I think it has potential to be great even.

I'm giving you a link here to a short film that is really great. Why? because that's what your short script reminded me of when I read it. At first I thought the military man and the swat guy seemed really out of place and silly even, but as the story went along i started thinking, hey maybe Jessica is really having some psychological problems. Maybe this little girl is on medication or something and she hasn't been taking them lately. Maybe the movie on the television triggered these hallucinations of hers. Maybe the Military Man and the Swat Guy really are her parents, but in her current state she sees these killers instead. Imagine how frightening that would be to a kid.

Anyway, that's of course different than what you have right now, but I think if you turned this into a psychological horror instead this could be great. That's just my humble opinion...

http://www.atomfilms.com/film/still_life.jsp?channelKeyword=all_genre_sci_fi_horror

Good luck with it.

Thanks Pia for the read.

Quoted Text First off I want to apologize for not having read this one before. I've seen the title, but this whole time I thought it was a rewrite of that other one I read about a party that goes wrong. I would have read this a long time ago if I wasn't so stupid.

You're not stupid. No worries. But now, I'm just curious if you liked that story (the one where the party goes wrong) or not. I'll have to go back and check if you reviewed it or not.

I have plans in going back to work on that story; I have an outline already. But now, I'm maintaining focus on Caine.

I did an earlier draft where I hint at Jessica's medical problem. I guess I'll have to
go back and work from there. I didn't want to since it adds to much explanation of why these things are occuring to her. I wanted it to be interpretive. But darn with it... a writer can't beat out a majority vote. I'll see how it turns out to be.

Thanks for the moive selection,
Gabe
  

Thanks for the comment courhaw.

I'm really glad you liked the descriptions, something that I'm always worried about.

Gabe

Hey Gabe,

Damn, I hadn't noticed you'd posted a third draft. Well, having read the first and second drafts I knew I had to give this a read (btw. it's great to see that someone actually rewrites their scripts - doesn't happen too often here. People say they will but it rarely happens).

Okay, on with the review.

This script has really evolved since the first draft I read. The second draft added a needed layer that really improved the script, but I must admit I think it's moving in the wrong direction now. It's almost too simple now. The second draft included a kind of back-story about Jessica, but with that removed in this third draft the story falls somewhat short imo. It has a first and second act but when I finished this it felt like something was missing - like, the third act. You ended the script on a cliffhanger, and since this is not one of those "to-be-continued" pieces, I feel you need to resolve the situation. I don't mean the story should have a happy ending - just an ending period.

If I hadn't read the two previous drafts, this would simply read as a very generic thriller flick about a girl whose worst fears manifest themselves. Stock - and not very original.

My advise to you is that you go back to the second draft and simply flesh out Jessica's back-story. That, in my opinion, would make this story not only stand out considerably but also much more interesting.

The movie sequence in the beginning runs waaaay too long. It takes up about 4 pages in this 15-page script. Imo. it doesn't matter what that movie is all about, you only have to establish that it's a horror movie and then briefly show the few characters you need. That could be done in a couple of paragraphs - not 4 pages.

With regards to format, I think it needs a little work. There's a couple of instances where you write "IN THE HALLWAY" or "IN THE LIVINGROOM" etc. as a slug line. Just write "HALLWAY" or "LIVINGROOM" etc. (you actually do that later in the script - but you should be consistent). Also, don't state in the slug whether the Hallway is dimly lit or not, save that for your action paragraphs.

The movie sequence should be done as a "INSERT - THE TV" and not "FROM THE TELEVISION" and should've ended with either a "BACK TO SCENE" or a new scene heading.

Another thing, and this is small stuff, but I don't feel it's necessary to call Jessica's parents MRS. SUSAN THOMAS and MR. JACK THOMAS, their names sorta give away who's the man and who's the woman. If you wanna add title you should call them Mrs. Thomas and Mr. Thomas (though that does seem a little too sterile).

All in all I thought this was somewhat disappointing compared to the earlier drafts. The story is there alright, you just have to find it again.


Cheers
Rob

PS: The title, Obscure, has sort of outlived its usefulness with this draft. Though the title accurately relayed the story from the first draft, and to a lesser extend the second draft, I simply feel it has no point anymore or relevance to the story. Well, just a thought.

[EDIT: Gabe, it just occured to me that it was the fourth draft I read and not the third - missed that one completely, sorry about that. Cheers Rob]

Thanks Rob for the review.

Quoted Text This script has really evolved since the first draft I read. The second draft added a needed layer that really improved the script, but I must admit I think it's moving in the wrong direction now. It's almost too simple now. The second draft included a kind of back-story about Jessica, but with that removed in this third draft the story falls somewhat short imo. It has a first and second act but when I finished this it felt like something was missing - like, the third act. You ended the script on a cliffhanger, and since this is not one of those "to-be-continued" pieces, I feel you need to resolve the situation. I don't mean the story should have a happy ending - just an ending period.

I've decided to make this into a feature continuing off from the hospital, probably have the chase continue into their. This will allow me to add a fuller backstory. That's essientially what I lacked. I've learned alot since then from the site. I already have som characters to add in the chase;  and they will move the story.

Quoted Text With regards to format, I think it needs a little work. There's a couple of instances where you write "IN THE HALLWAY" or "IN THE LIVINGROOM" etc. as a slug line. Just write "HALLWAY" or "LIVINGROOM" etc. (you actually do that later in the script - but you should be consistent). Also, don't state in the slug whether the Hallway is dimly lit or not, save that for your action paragraphs. The movie sequence should be done as a "INSERT - THE TV" and not "FROM THE TELEVISION" and should've ended with either a "BACK TO SCENE" or a new scene heading.

Thanks for the suggestion on formatting. I'm still learning and it was my first time doing something like this.

Quoted Text The movie sequence in the beginning runs waaaay too long. It takes up about 4 pages in this 15-page script. Imo. it doesn't matter what that movie is all about, you only have to establish that it's a horror movie and then briefly show the few characters you need. That could be done in a couple of paragraphs - not 4 pages.

In regards to the movie scene, when I was writing, I saw it as a good transition from the character in the movie to Jessica. Also, I wanted to inflict some fear as well so that they be placed in Jessica shoes. And I really like that sequence. I think I could still keep it for now if I'm making this into a feature. But I'll still keep it mind when I redraft this. I have a tendency to always come back to these reviews when I rewrite so I can refresh my memory.

I got a whole lists of work to rewrite.

Thanks Rob
Gabe

P.S. About the title, I'm going to be continue using Obscure for the time being until something else comes to me. That's how I kinda of work. Things usually come to me and I take it for what's it worth. Obscure has been good to me so, it'll live for a while. lol. beofre i send it packing. Thanks again. (And don't mind about the draft, I sometimes forget myself.)

Just read it, seemed to flow very nicely and read it rather quickly surprisingly.

Loved how it was written, though I wasn't sure what was going on. I mean Jessica watched a horror movie about these men, who then either manifested themselves into her reality through fear or were they actually there? I got the impression she was so scared she thought these men in halloween masks were coming to kill her but were in fact just her father trying to make her snap out of it?

Seen you mentioned Are you Afraid of the Dark, I use to watch that too years ago as a young lad

Thanks for the review. I'm actually in the process of revising this. MAny people don't get it. It actually was the horror movie coming to live. But I'm fixing this at the moment, hence the revision. But thanks.

Gabe

Cool, kind of like 'Last Action Hero'? I see where you're going with this now.