Hey Mike, just read this one as I've been away all week.

I felt it could be shortened a little. I mean, all the dialogue is well written, but I just think there's maybe a little too much of it, especially during the first half of the script.

The script was a little so-so up until the end for me. I really liked the waitress being called waitress and especially the fact he didn't ask for her number and she brings that up. I was expecting - just based on the scenario - a really cheesy ending and it was a pleasant surprise to see a more open-ended and subtle finish.

This script was a nice slice of life tale.  It was very believeable and easy to read.  Dialog flowed nicely and it seems like something that could easily be done on a next to nothing budget.

I didn't like it when Dennis 'had his turn.'  I lost a lot of sympathy for him.  I know he didn't do anything that Chasisty didn't already do, but she started out as the bitch and he started out as the good guy.

The waitress assumed a little too much when she jumped in, IMHO.  And using the word fucking was just a littyle too much for her introductory contribution to the discussion.

Otherwise, it was quite nice....


Phil

Hey Shelton,

This works nicely, the dialogue is sharp and funny, Chastity comes across as an absolute bitch and in sharp contrast to Waitress' down-to-earth, niceness.

I know everyone's said it, but I really can't see how Dennis and Chastity could ever have been a couple. What would have brought them together in the first place? They just seem TOO different. It's not like a 'Knocked Up' situation, where Seth Rogen slacker character ends up with Katherine Heigl, because Chastity seems far too much of a bitch to ever even give a guy like Dennis a chance! And the 'Waitress-waitress' thing...yeah, I suppose I like that. It's cute.

Overall, I did like it. I can see it as an early scene in a rom-com, since in many ways it's the polar opposite (the 180, if you like) to comedies like Get Over It and Forgetting Sarah Marshall, where the guy is distraught at the break-up but ends up being happier with someone else. Maybe Dennis and Waitress get together, Waitress turns out to be EVEN WORSE, and then at the end a reformed Chastity comes back and they give it a second go. Or, an even better idea: leave it as it is.

As a short, fun, compact short, it's great. It's 'short' but sweet. To alter it too much would be to change it into something else, and I think it works well already. Basically, thank you for distracting me for an enjoyable five minutes!

Jon

Hey Guys,

Thanks for reading.

More comments on Waitress the waitress.  Most people seem to like it, or at least think it's okay, which is cool because it was kind of done on a lark.

The ending.  I really didn't want to make it overly cheesy, and I'm glad it didn't come off that way.  My goal was to mainly show a glimmer of hope and a fresh start.

Dennis' dialogue.  I think that's the first comment I've gotten where it was too much/mean.  Most people thought it should have been more vicious.

JonnyBoy,

I hear where you're coming from with the early scene aspect, and it's not entirely off base.  I've been working on a rom com feature off and on for awhile now, and something similar to this is kind of in the mix.  The scenario is somewhat different though, and involves more elements and characters, but the contrasting female personalities is in there to a point.

Thanks again for the reads.

This was pretty sweet. Strangely enough, I'm kinda in a rom-com mode right now after seeing FSM and Zack & Miri and having been planning on writing one for a while. This was a treat, I must say.

I can understand where Phil is coming from, saying that Dennis shifts from the "nice guy" to something else in "having his turn" but I don't think it hurt his being sympathetic in the slightest. I would've liked him less if he had said nothing, to be honest. What happens shows that he has some respect for himself.

The Waitress joke honestly didn't work for me. It could work but I don't think it works where it is. It's too simple a joke to leave off with. Maybe set it up earlier? Try it and see if you don't like it.

Also, I don't like the title. Way too simplistic. It's only a step away from calling a script "Conflict" or something. I'd try something a little more specific.

James,

Thanks for the look.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Phil's comment is perfectly valid, it's just that it's the whole point, and the reason for the title of the script.

Dennis is a little more reserved, playing a somewhat submissive-type role to Chastity, until he has absolutely nothing to lose and his personality takes a complete "180".

Being that he's still a somewhat nice guy, he's fairly nice about it, only building up to say what he really wants to say when Waitress butts in.

Another that isn't a fan of the Waitress name, or joke for that matter.  I'm keeping track, and will look into possibly moving it if I ever go back to this.

Thanks again.

Nice short, Mike. Great dialog and an interesting story.

I find it hard to believing that someone like Chastity would even sit through a tirade like the one Dennis put her through. Most of the blonde-haired, orange-skinned girls with clown glasses I know would have left before the rant was over. I guess if that happened we wouldn't have known Waitress though. She was awesome. Loved that character.

Isn't it great when ideas like that come out of nowhere when you're writing?

James

Hey James, thanks for checking it out.

I suppose it's possible, and maybe even more likely that Chastity would have just left without listening to it, but as you said, we wouldn't have been intro'd to Waitress then.  

Well, at least not in the same way.  The alternative would have kept her on the "I pity him" side of the fence, and most likely not have been as interesting.

I think just about everything I write comes out of nowhere, to be honest.  I usually have a pretty basic idea of what I want to do and how I want to get there, and then just work on filling in all the holes.

Probably not the best method, but it keeps me from overthinking certain things, and overthinking can cause real problems, at least in my experience.

Thanks again.

Quoted from shelton I think just about everything I write comes out of nowhere, to be honest.

As do all thoughts. I think your method works just fine.

I thought of this script for a moment last night when I was writing about a girl who wears those clown glasses. Then I stopped thinking about it and thought about my script. Then I thought about Mexican food. I guess you're right, thoughts do come out of nowhere.

Shelton,

Nice script! I really liked this one. Refreshing. I felt like I was getting retribution myself when Dennis went off on her. I think subconsciously every guy feels the need to be heard in relationships, especially when their partner is as self centered as Chastity. I was definitely rooting for him.

Anyways, a couple of suggestions. I think the difficulty in this one comes from the fact that our nemesis IS a self centered, gorgeous, soulless, Paris-ite (Sorry - but I couldn't resist). But yea, how do you overcome or defeat someone as self absorbed as Chastity? I mean, can you? I think you started to steer down the whole "sex tape" road but even if Dennis went that route, creating a secret sex tape or something, I don't think it would've phased Chastity because ultimately the attention would still be on her.

As I said before I was really rooting for Dennis when he told Chastity off, but I do think it started to wear on his character a bit. He started to come down to Chastity's level but I guess that's the whole point with the 180 degrees concept? However, you did save it when Waitress came in and diverted a complete meltdown by kissing Dennis.

I think that might be what's missing in this - an ultimate justice or retribution. I don't know if "making Chastity jealous" is enough. It's a tough corner you've pegged yourself into here. I mean we want to see Chastity suffer but we don't want to see Dennis bring himself down to Chastity's level.

But back to the ultimate justice or retribution. I think that when it comes to Chastity and all girls like Paris, I think the worst punishment by far has to be APATHY. For someone that seeks and demands attention as much as Chastity does what could be worse than to be an insignificant nobody? As far as how you could demonstrate that in your script, I’m sure you could come up with something.

Nice work, bud! I’ll keep an eye out.

Hi Mike,

The dialogue was good, although very lengthy.

I have to say that of all the scripts I've read from you, this was by far the most unfullfilling. It was really middle of the road stuff with no real bite.

I don't mean to be harsh. You're a talented writer so obvioulsy I'll judge you by higher standards.

The problem you have is that you've got two characters who clearly don't have any feelings for each other. The situation isn't upsetting for anyone in the script or for the audience, because the break up is something everyone wants to see.

This is compounded by the fact that everything he says is expositional in the sense that we can already tell what she is like.

Just one shot of the dog is enough to reveal what a stupid so and so she is, so the big monologue Dennis makes is extraneous. Which is a problem, because it's pretty much the meat of the script.

Also, at no point do you ever really believe that Chastity would actually be upset what what happened, despite Waitress's explanation. She's far too much of a 2 dimensional character.

The stuff with Waitress was a lot better, particularly the line about being called Matress, but not enough to save it IMHO.

It was almost like a written version of bullying. You picked an easy target and just bullied her. It almost came across as an autobiographical tirade directed against someone you know, like revenge songs that musicians sometimes write after a nasty break up.

Sorry for such a harsh review. I just think this whole concept is a bit beneath you to be brutally honest.

Rick.

Hey Guys,

Thanks for checking this out.  I'm in the middle of a little bit of re-tooling on this for somebody  at the moment, so the additional feedback is definitely welcome and helpful.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films You're a talented writer so obviously I'll judge you by higher standards.

I seem to be getting that a lot lately.

Hey Mike,

The dialogue was really good. It flowed nicely. The tale became a bit fake in my opinion when she kisses him but I think a bit of suspended belief is fine here. It made the tale move nicely. Good job.

Gabe

I thought that looked pretty good quality. My only gripe would be your name being so late into the credits...

Wonder how much they had to pay for the music.

I remember that script btw. I thought the "pink" girl wasn't quite as hot/beautiful or whatever as she was supposed to be, but maybe that's just me.

Congrats Mike.