Glenn,

It kind of reminded me of Spy vs Spy and it was a thumping good read.  The two of them fighting over ten dollars is classic.

I thought at first you were going to go completely silent and was surprised when you started the dialogue - not that it was an unpleasant surprise.  I dug Roxy.  I think though she could talk about herself in the third person.  Like instead of "No one steals my money" she could say "No one steals Roxy's money".  The character kind of struck me like that.

I think the SUPER in the beginning isn't really needed.  It probably was a good kickoff while writing, and you probably thought you would use more, but you didn't and you don't really need it.

The other thing I think is that you should introduce Roxy at the very beginning.  Have Jack unsuccessfully hit on her as he leaves the nightclub or something like that.  IMHO it would add so much to the ending.

Good work, always a pleasure to read your scripts.

Hey Glenn,

I enjoyed this one quite a bit.  It reminded me of a gritty Looney Tunes type story line.  Two crooks battling over a 10-spot is a great premise – especially when they become so focused on their “prize” that they miss out on a bigger score with Roxy.  

Jack is a good target for these guys, but I think you could do more with this guy.  For one, I’d like to see him be more deserving of getting mugged.  Maybe if after he staggers out of the nightclub we see him pull his wedding ring out of his pocket and put it on, or some little thing that lessens our sympathy for him as a victim.

I have seen your panty-hose gag used before a few times.  I do like the imagery, however, as I pictured Mug as more of a rabbit – which goes nicely with Crim’s fox.  Unfortunately, you used octopus and tentacle allusions, which I didn’t think worked so well.  

I thought Crim’s attack on Jack was a bit too harsh.  Knocking him down is one thing, but beating him bloody seemed too over the top for me – especially with the comedic tone.  Maybe if he jumps out at him, Jack startles and tries to run, trips over his own feet, falls and konks his head on the sidewalk.  This achieves the same end in a funnier, less vicious, way.

I like the bit about Jack running and passing out in the road, and Crim having enough of a conscience to go help him (this would also fit better if he doesn’t beat Jack bloody earlier).  The only glitch here is Jack just ups and runs away screaming like a little girl after getting the upper hand.  This is a very funny visual, but I think it needs to be motivated by something.  Maybe you could set it up so he chokes Crim from behind, and when they fall he rains punches down on the back of Crim’s head while he’s in the fetal position.  When he rolls Crim over to punch him in the face he sees the fox mask for the first time and freaks out, then he runs screaming into the night.  You need something like that to transition from beating him to a pulp and running away screaming.

I love the fight in the park.  You have these guys delivering quite a few competent kicks, but I think it could be even funnier if neither one could really fight that well.  I love the image of one catching the other’s leg mid-kick and hopping around.  How about if they both try to kick each other at the same time, and they each catch each other’s leg, so they're both hopping around shouting “Let go!” “No, you let go!”  I saw something like this in a real “fight” between two guys who were holding onto each other and both trying to knee the other guy in the crotch.  It was hysterical watching them spinning in a circle trying to nail each other in the nads!  I’d love to see a few more comical fight moves in this part.

I think the Roxy scene is probably the best.  I think it’s great that they’re fighting over the ten dollars, when hundreds of dollars are right there for the picking.  Even better is the fact that Roxy is so self-absorbed that she can’t see that they aren’t even paying attention to her, and insists on believing they are after her and her money.  Excellent stuff!  I think I saw someone suggest her using the line, “No one steals Roxy’s money!”  That works perfectly.

The biggest thing that didn’t work for me was ending it where and how you did.  I think you need one more beat to bring this together.  It might be funny if one of the guys gets the 10, Roxy sprays him and he drops the bill.  The other one grabs it, laughing in triumph, then he gets sprayed as well, and Roxy takes off.   The battle could then continue on, with them half-blind.  If they could end up back out in front of the nightclub (bringing it full circle), where they are nearly dead of exhaustion, and one finally comes out on top, only to have Jack run past and snatch the bill out of his hand (maybe following up with a right cross), and the victor collapses on top of his nemesis in total defeat.

Format/Mechanical Notes:
General: I’m not crazy about how you handle the names.  I like Mug, but sometimes you refer to him as “the Mug.”  I don’t like Crim, and I really don’t like “the Crim.”
Pg. 1: Try introducing Mug and Crim when they first appear, rather than introducing them as “A Man” then naming and describing them afterward.
Pg. 1: “...all the grace of a baby...” – great line!
Pg. 1: “telegraph pole” – I haven’t heard them called that since 1894.  How about “telephone pole”?
Pg. 2: “to heavy” should be “too heavy”
Pg. 2: “The Crim’s breaths hard” should be “The Crim breathes hard”
Pg. 2: “breath easier” should be “breathe easier”
Pg. 2: “tighten’s” should be “tightens”
Pg. 3: “The Crim lays” should be “The Crim lies”
Pg.  2/3: “head lights” should be “headlights” (one word)
Pg. 3: “breaths hard” should be “breathes hard”
Pg. 4: “than goes bug eyed” should be “then goes bug eyed”
Pg. 4: “in a slinky club dress and enough jewelry on herself for two women.” – sounds awkward.  Maybe, “in a slinky club dress and wearing enough jewelry for two women.”?
Pg. 4: “ATM machine” should be just “ATM” – Automatic Teller Machine (no need for the second machine).
Pg. 4: “hot on his heel” should be “hot on his heels”
Pg. 4: “by his top” – does this mean “by his shirt”?
Pg. 4: If this is set in the U.S., I’ve never seen an ATM that dispenses 50 dollar bills (maybe at a casino).
Pg. 5: Since “Mace” is a trademarked name, you might want to use “pepper spray” instead.
Pg. 6: “coats their face” should be “coats their faces”

You’ve got a very funny story going here that I think you can make even funnier with some more work.  Good luck!

Hey Glenn,

Haha, I enjoyed this one. Even though you yourself didn't intend it to be funny, I think it certainly was. I'm not sure if I should say 'good job!' on that, because it wasn't on purpose But it worked!

I have to agree with the rest that cutting all of the dialogue would work better. You could maybe rewrite it in such a way that Roxy doesn't speak, maces them and runs off, leaving Crim and Mug alone on the pavement. I'm picturing suspenseful music during the entire fight, which comes to an abrupt stop when they're maced by Roxy. A little bit of tormented dialogue between Crim and Mug could work then, I guess. Anyway, I love the scene where they're still fighting over 10 dollars while a big dollar sign (Roxy) is standing right beside them!

In my opinion you already did a great job on this draft

I really enjoyed reading this, I can't help to feel sorry for Mug and Crim. After all that just to get a simple 10 dollar bill they end up losing it with no effort put forth to Roxy.  

Formatting was great, very easy to read and flowed well too. I have no problems with the characters either.

I found it really funny how Mug used pantyhose as a mask, to me it seems like the very last thing to use as a mask becuase it makes you look like you have absolutely no idea what you are doing.

The mask that Crim chose, very unusually but excellent at the same time. I also beleived that deep down Crim was a good guy forced to do bad things after that incident with Jack on the road. Then Jack beating the crap out of him on that road.

Great short Tonkatough,

Ah yes the old pantyhose over the head routine. The visual discription I must confess is hardly original or I can call my own. It is actually a tribute to one of my fav actors Nicolas (Sailor) Cage and the Super cool movie Raizing Arizona where he robs a shop with his head squeezed into a tight pantyhose and the legs bits flapping about at the back of his head.

Thanks for the read people.

Hey Glenn

Don't know why I haven't read this before but read it a couple of times today. As with your other two shorts, I thought it was a great idea and you pulled it off well.

Just have a few thoughts about it.

I don't know whether night clubs are different in Aus, but in England they are mainly for younger people. So, Jack, middle aged man, to be coming out of one seemed a little odd. Maybe a strip bar or a just a bar would work better. I know he's not the main character of this so no biggy.

The way you introduce the characters, I would just start off calling them MUG or CRIM. I like the way you identify them, because it makes everything clear from that point in. But you're using two seperate lines after the introductions to say 'He is MUG...' and 'He is the CRIM'. Also, 'He is MUG the mugger, watches Jack's every move' read a little awkward for me. I think, just coming out straight away and saying 'MUG pops up from behind....' and 'CRIM, a slender man in a black...' would clear up those two problems.

I thought all the action lines apart from that were really concise and for a script with so little dialogue it was a really fast read.

Another, slight problem I had was with the wallet. Why would Crim throw away the credit cards and be so happy with ten dollars? Surely the credit cards would be worth a lot more?

The Roxy part was a little bit strange. Maybe that's just because I thought this would be a no dialogue script and then it starts on page 5 of a 6 pager. I can't put my finger on it, but it just kinda felt weird to me and didn't really match the rest of the script. Maybe if she just watches them fight over the note until they both get knocked out and then she picks up the unguarded money? You might need to change her from a rich girl to a homeless girl though, but they're just my thoughts.

I did like it though and, as usual, was a really original idea.

Good stuff

Ste

hey glen. i'm reading your shorts one by one!  i made the mistake( as always) of reading some of the other comments before reading this! there were heaps which is good value. anyway, my 2 bob's worth:  as i said i haven't read many shorts on this site, mainly because i couldn't see myself doing one. i admire the guys who do them though, especially after doing the recent challenge. writing a much smaller amount and having a resolution is hard work so hats off to the lads!

you write very fluently with good descriptions. the only thing i can add to the other reviews is i would've liked to have seen it left completely dialogue free! a modern silent film!
maybe with some old style subtitles. i dunno, that would've been a more richer ending, but that's just my opinion. cheers

Thanks for the read Steve.

Oh and thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading not one but Four of my scripts in one sitting. A Mega-Tonka marathon if ever there was one.

That is an amazing effort. Hey Bert and Don doesn't this deserve a golden boy award or a hounorable mention or something.

I promise I will read your feature God's Dartboard this weekend

Stevie, you've been a wonderful audience, thank you, good night and God bless.    

That has to be one of the funniest things I've ever read.  What a blast of mixed up crazy crap!!  It strikes me as something Guy Ritchie would dream up for two of his hapless thugs.  

I can't help it, but I picture Mr, Incredible as MUG!!

"With a savage war cry that would make Xena proud"

I LOVE THAT!!

Also i loved that your writing seemed fluid and the actions were paced really well. Seven pages with mostly description, people tend to go onto novel territory. You didn't.

You did however put on some good visuals for my imagination. The pantyhouse bit...never really can get old. To me anyway. Also, Roxy, to me she was gold. I liked her a lot.

I think there is a suggestion somewhere in the comments that Roxy should refer to ehrself in the third person.

"No one steals Roxy's money!" would sort of be classic and really define her. If not then definetely ignore me.

Thanks the read people,  

Steve8

I've seen every gangster movie from Mr. Madonna and I have no idea who Mr. Incredible is- Oh wait you don't mean that Mr. Incredible from that Pixar superhero  movie?

Brymo

Yeah, if I could I would drop Xena in all my scripts. She is that awesome,. Yes she is, my entire Xena DVD collection proves it.  

Plus I have a crush on Lucy Lawless.

Yes, THE Mr. Incredible from the PIXAR flick, and who DOESN'T have a crush on Ms. Lawless. . .including her blonde female costar!!  

tonka,

Sorry to join in on the discussion late, hopefully I have some new things to add. I really liked the criminal throwing away the credit cards at the beginning in order to get to the 10. That seemed to be the first sign that this would be a comedy.

I hate to echo everyone else's comments but I felt the ending was a bit of a letdown. You have the great physical comedy accompanied by the ridiculousness of fighting over a 10 dollar bill and then a bland ending where Roxy comes out of nowhere and leads to their arrest.

I like the idea of Roxy screaming as the two scuffle over the bill until the point where she realizes that neither one is interested in her. She just comes off as the type of person that would be self-absorbed enough to be offended that she wasn't being mugged. Maybe if she sprayed them both with pepper spray and leaves feeling victorious and the two continue to scuffle despite being blind, rolling off somewhere and leaving the ten dollar bill behind. Then old Jack runs by screaming and stops himself, not believing his luck of finding a ten dollar bill on the ground.

Right now the ending, and the fact that it's the first tie dialogue is used, feels like an add-on that I think could be fixed to fit the comedic tone of the rest of the script. Overall very enjoyable and glad I read it!

Yeah everyone is in agreement. The script needs to to go full circle to feel complete and end on Jack.

Have to look into it.

Thanks for the read.  

Tonka,
So sorry it took me forever to get you a review--If I'm to be completely honest then i have to say I just forgot.  But hey, I did get to it, and I have to say I'm glad I did.

This was a funny little story thats actually told quite well, so good job.  i do, of course, have a few suggestions.

1. I'm unfamiliar with the term Crim, and therefore assume other people are as well.  If this isn't a term but just a name for this odd dude, then maybe yo should give the mugger a name that isn't mug.  Not a big deal, just something I got a little caught up on.

2. There is no dialogue until the very end.  This isn't necessarily a bad thing, it just comes off as a little strange.  usually when someone witholds from using any dialogue until the end of a short, its usually for some sort of punchline, something short, quick, to the point, and hilarious: Like when Silent bob talks.  When you have your dialogue at the end, it doesnt really seem to fit--because its not just a quick punchline.

What i would do is either work it out in such a way that it does work as a punchline, or just have no dialogue at all.  I think this would work quite well as some sort of modern silent film.

3. Your ending is just a tad lame.  A script as short as this one needs to work as a sort of joke, for whichyou need some sort of punchline (yup, were back to that again.)  The punchline does not necessarily need to be a line, but something that just sort of ties everything up and is hilarious.  Yours is okay, I'm just saying i felt a bit dissapointed by it, and think that you could probably come up with something a little better.

Thats all.  Good job!

Tyler