Hey Glenn,

You and your damn phobias/quirks.

For what it is, I thought it worked out pretty well.  I see you've written a new ending, so I'd be curious to see what it is.  I won't go on about what you have here because it's alright, but it could be a little leaner and end at just the right moment.

Not to sure how I feel about the pink robe thing.  It's a decent sight gag, but there are probably better ways you could go with this.  Slovenly, effeminate (more than just a ink robe) etc.  Actually the effeminate angle would be pretty funny, I think.  Some pretentious bastard that thinks he's smarter than everyone else gets his comeuppance.  Oh well, another time, another script.

Not bad, but I do have one question.  Are your scripts set to A9 format?  Your sluglines seem spaced out more than what I'm used to.

Thanks for the read Shelton.

Funny you should mention the pink robe cause I was reading one of your scripts which described the same thing as a "free swinging bath robe" and I thought Holy shit! That's so amazing why didn't I think of that. Excellent use of words to paint a clear visual.

I had to look up efferminate in the dictonary. I didn't know what you where talking about.

As for format I use Final Draft so unless the program is doing something I don't know.

Oh and just let everyone know that Don has posted the 2nd draft for this script and Mike is the first one to read it.  

I like the new touch to the ending.  Olwen's indignation at the belittlement is much more pronounced.  I like the 'you're number one!' game.  Great reaction!

Hey Glenn,

Olwen can sure take punches. I liked it.

I'm questioning the ending. I think the embarrassment should be extended a bit in terms of Olwen asking for the exact amount. Roy not having it, Olwen can then take the package away and etc. Just a thought.

Gabe

Tonka,

Just finished reading this one. It was enjoyable - read very easily, and made me smile.

It's essentially a skit, though. This is the problem with shorts, I think - they leave us empty in terms of resonance.

However, this is a decent showcase of what you can do - the concept is intriguing, but I agree that this concept can go further.

Good job.

Andrew

Hi Tonk

long time I haven't read one of yours. Was funny but too much predictable (I know I'm not the one to say so). "Dead Presidents" reminds me some old Terence Hill/Bud Spencer funny lines meeting Sixth Sense.

Anyway I don't think the "finger" was useful at the end. That's too much.

In the other hand, it was well written and funny. What else?

Michel

BTW, one of your sluglines contains NUMER instead of NUMBER

Hey Michel. Welcome back to SS. You have been missing in action for quite a while.

Thanks Tonk. I missed you all too.