LOL I thought this was a Roman story at first.  

First off, you gotta change that ending.  It's too laugh out loud...in a cheesy sort of way.  No offense.

Stan attacked Mitch too easily.  He needs to be provoked better than "you're scared enough, I'll deal with that."

and that's all I have to say about 8 pages.

Thanks for the read people.

The end I wrote seemed cool at the time, but having read these comments now I'm not so sure.

I guess i'm just going to have to be extra careful with my ideas and think a little harder on "how will the reader react?"

Hi Glenn,

Great storyline.  I really enjoyed it, and thought it flowed very well.  You have a lot of great comments and advice on the forum, so I might be repeating some points.  Although I enjoyed the uniqueness of the script, I felt that certain concepts didn't mesh well with the feel of the story:

--WARNING SPOILERS--

--First, I felt that some of the dialogue was unrealistic given the situation of dealing with the daughters death.  Two lines especially didn't sit right with me.  When Mitch received the phone call at the pub, his first reaction was "You're shitting me." Although Mitch is a tough guy, this seemed inappropriate.  When someone says that line, I think of someone disbelieving an act of good fortunate, like it they won a trip or the lottery.  So to me, it sounded a little comedic.  I would think that Mitch would be in a state of denial, but would eventually break down a little.  So maybe more dialogue was needed.  Also when Mitch decides to cast his revenge, and Cindy says, "....You're over fifty," I didn't feel this was appropriate as well.  I would think that at this vulnerable point in her life, Cindy would say something like "I already lost my daughter, I don't want to lose my husband too."  So reconsider your dialogue, and make sure everything is appropriate given the situation at hand.

--Second, I like where you were going with the list of addresses, but I thought it fell short.  I was hoping for a sorta Kill Bill type of revenge, were Mitch was going to go down each address, maybe getting into some more arguments and fights, before getting down to the final boss. I feel this is where a lot of the meat of the story can fall into.  

-- Lastly, and maybe I am missing something here, but I thought it was slightly off that Mitch went directly for darts as the choice of weapon for avenging his daughters death.  I would think the logical thing would be to get a gun and hunt the bastard down. In order for the darts to come into play, there should be something that forces Mitch to choose to use darts and embrace his pastime skill.  Maybe Mitch has a physical abnormality that prevents him from handling a gun.  Maybe Mitch can't get a gun because of prior clashing with the law.  Maybe he excelled in throwing knives in the army during the Vietnam war, and darts became second nature.  I am just blowing ideas off the top of my head, but I think you get the idea  I think a little background  history would go along way in explaining why Mitch chose darts as opposed to something else.  

Other than that, I would look into the advice about the ending because you don't want it to be cheesy.  I do like how you tie the "eye for an eye" from the beginning to the end.  Although I think literally an eye for an eye in this case is actually killing the guy and not taking literally, I feel that a great movie story ties in certain tidbits from the beginning to the end.

Great job and I look forward in reading more from you and seeing how this script advances.

Chris        

That was a great review chris. Thank you for taking the time to read my short.

Your welcome Glenn,

I really like your script, and look forward to constructional criticism when my turn comes to post a finished script.  I really found the plot very unique and intriguing.  When it comes to movies revolving pool, I have a soft spot.  The Hustler, Color of Money, Turn the River, all captivating to me.  This looks like its right up that niche, so I couldn't pass it down to read.  Good luck with it.  

This was a dark and strange story. The cop's been mentioned, needs some work.
The scene on the lawn was particularly strong. The plot is so utterly bizarre it would work on film as either genius or lunacy. I can't imagine anyone, even a mad darts pro, using his 'arras' like that. It's certainly an original story, that's for sure. Good work.

Hey Glenn. Just read the short, good stuff, I liked it. It could be much better though.
My notes:

- I couldn't really picture Mitch, there was no descriptions of him, except that he was fifty.

- "Yeah? . . . You’re shitting me?" I would put a "beat" as the pause. The "..." is too short for the person on the other end to say anything.

- "Stan Bingham" Why is his name underlined?

- "Mitch is enraged and disgusted."

- "You’re shitting me?" Mitch says that twice in about a page. I know it's his character, but careful not to repeat lines too much.

- I think you should play the first two words of the VO of Gina again, before it cuts, to be clear that she did press the play button, and not another button.

- There is lot's of space between your action lines. I don't know why, there doesn't need to be, unless there are lot's of things happening on screen, but is only a line on the script. I do like the fact that your action lines are to the point, simple and clear, but they don't need to start on new lines as much as they are.

- It might be a cool idea to have a teaser at the start. At the very start have Mitch about to throw the dart, and he's outside (Stan's house) then once he throws it, cut to it hitting the dart board in the pub, and then continue from the start. Just an idea.

- I don't know how hitting someone with 2 darts is the same as killing someone. The ending could be better because of this fact. The last line is good.

Good work man.

Hey TT,

Just finished.  The concept is pretty cool and different, but a few things seem incongruous.  

Mitch's reaction during the phone call felt 'wrong'.  The collapsing in tears yes, the verbal reaction seemed out of place.  Also, I'm pretty sure Stan Bingham might have more trouble on his hands than a DUI.  Donte Stallworth of the Cleveand Browns was drunk, hit and killed a man, and he's probably facing DUI manslaughter charges, which would probably net him more than two years.  Not sure, but it sounds more serious to me.  

Stan's belligerence towards the father of the girl he killed seems odd to me.  I don't know why, but I think he'd be grovelling for forgiveness, not physically attacking him.  Well, I think I would be anyway.

I do like the idea of your protag going after the killer of his daughter with his 'weapon of choice'.  That is a very cool concept.  An eye-for-an-eye?  When he took Stan's eye out, I guess that was the eye!

It's a good script, and moved very well, pacing wise.  I say take a look at the character reactions and legal stuff, and this could be a really good short feature.  Don't lose the darts as a weapon, or the last line.  The last line was so cool.  All I can here in my head, because it's just me, is "I'm Batman!"  

I liked this one. The only thing I'd really change was Stan's reaction (I agree with steven. It didn't sound natural.

Hey Glenn

Firstly, kudos on the title.

Strange one this, I was torn between this being a serious drama and it being a kinda spoof comedy affair.

The title leads toward comedy but Mitch and Cindy's torment is strong and real.  I wonder if Stan would not be in custody awaiting trail but this is a minor issue I guess.

I found the last scene a little confusing though.  I started to feel for Stan, maybe it wasn't his fault he hit Gina and he was being persacuted for a simple mistake but then he kinda over reacts and attacks Mitch. Mitch seems to have accepted that Stan will suffer enough in prison but then this outburst gives him justification to get his 'eye for an eye'.  It then turns back into a spoof for me here.

I enjoyed this but it's neither one nor the other and I think it would be better if you decided where it should lie...for me the story and emotion are strong enough for a good drama.  Jusst my opinion of course but the ending dilluted it slightly.

Good though, never the less.

Quoted from tonkatough Michel and James R thanks for pointing out the inconsistencies with real life DUI procedures in my script. This is the first time I’ve written a script like this, I don’t watch crime TV, have no knowledge of the law, so I had to fake it so to speak.

Me either Glenn, but Wikipedia is a good tool for this kind of thing.

Michel

Thank you everyone for the read.

TommyP I was very intrigued by your remarks concerning how I write action as no one has ever mentioned it like that before.

I was lead to believe that when you write action to think of action as each shot in a film. If the camera is required to be moved then you start a new sentence of action. Is this the correct way? (please, anyone?)

But what you suggest sounds good Tommy cause if I can eliminate the spaces between action  then that's mean I could cram more writing and more story into as little pages as possible.

Quoted from tonkatough I was lead to believe that when you write action to think of action as each shot in a film. If the camera is required to be moved then you start a new sentence of action. Is this the correct way? (please, anyone?)

I think you're totally right. That's the way I do (and even sometimes overdo - see my episod about anger for the upcoming series "7 Deadly Sins"). It gives rhythm to your script and incidentally indications for the camera.

Michel

Hey Glenn,

I'm sorta 50/50 about this one. I can see that you have definitely moved away from your usual funny quirky stories with this one and moved down the - in some cases - tiresome revenge path.

Knowing your style, I thought this was going to be a comedy and it actually took me a while to get that this was for real. I guess Mitch's response in the pub "You're shitting me" didn't help the matter either. I thought it was a strange thing to say after hearing his daughter had been killed. That's why I constantly suspected that you were pulling my leg with this story - I kept thinking "Glenn is gonna pull something out of the hat in any second that'll make me laugh". You didn't. I re-read the script with that in mind.

My overall problem is that everything that happens here...happens really fast. Stories like this really benefits from a longer build up, to create that tension that is needed for making Mitch's subsequent actions believable. Maybe a quick intro of the daughter at the beginning could also help, you know, just to put a face on her instead of her just being a name and a voice. That being said, the scene with the answering machine works really well.

I can see others have already mentioned the DUI inconsistency so I won't get into that.

Stan is contradictory character in my book. He claims to be a computer geek that won't last a day in prison, yet he has no problem with dishing out a can of whoop ass on Mitch. In fact, the whole scene with Stan seems a bit rushed to me. He goes berserk from the get go and immediately blames everything on Gina and her parents. It didn't seem natural in my book. He's simply too bad for a "bad guy" if that makes any sense.

Also, the fact that Mitch walks away, satisfied with Stan being scared seems to diffuse his whole character and it doesn't go hand in hand with how he behaved prior to that scene. I could buy it if he had had a change of heart - for moral reasons - but, as it stands now, I didn't believe it.

The last line seemed somewhat weird, given the general nature of the script, but I guess you had to end it somehow.

Anyway, it's a good story that needs to be longer and more consistent in my book.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Glenn,

Others have pointed out the issue with the procedures involved with a DUI, so I won't stress on it, but if the procedures were adhered to, there wouldn't be much of a story the way it is.  You'd have to have Mitch waiting two years until he got out fo prison or whatever.

With that aside, I thought the story worked. Pretty basic revenge story, but the darts aspect made it a little different and interesting.  The last line is a little off the mark, but as others have said, the question that sets it up seems more out of place.

Anyway, not bad.