Dartacus by Glenn Bresciani (tonkatough) - Short - Mitch is a champion dart player. When his daughter is killed by a drunk driver, Mitch seeks revenge armed only with the one skill he has.  8 pages - pdf, format

Hello Glenn,

Not bad.  Quite an enjoyable read.  Not sure what to make of the ending.  It sounds good, but doesn't feel quite right.

I would rewrite the following line as it's a given Carlisle sits opposite.

On the opposite side of the table she sits at is Mitch and his wife Cindy (50’s)

The second dart thrown is an ouch moment.

Everything's nicely broken up, but feel the read could be that tiny bit faster if you removed the 'is' words within your descriptions.

I don't agree with the underlined name on page three.  Use a wryly to emphasise the name.  Or better yet, leave it out altogether.

Why's two people described as soft?

Overall, an enjoyable read.

All the best,


Javier

Hi Glenn,

just read your short. A very interesting and touching one. I have nothing to say about your way to write but found some issues.



**********************SPOILERS*****************


The main one is if Stan is charged for DUI manslaughter charge, I'm not sure he would be at home. He should be in immediate preventive retention.

Then, if he gets a dart in the eye, I don't think he would be able to talk. The pain would be too strong. That leads to my last remark. I perfectly guess the punch line is strong, but Stan wouldn't ask AGAIN Mitch who he is, knowing already he's Gina's father.

Anyway, it was a good read. I enjoyed it

Michel

Hi Glen, how you been ,man? When I saw the title, first thoughts were: hmm, spoof about spartacus playing darts, could be funny. Then I opened the thread, saw it's one of your scripts. Yep, the logline looked good.
I have mixed feelings about this. The idea is good and we get the gist of it. But it comes over a bit forced. Maybe if you flesh it out it could work better. It all seems rushed. The formatting and actual writing is fine, no worries there.
Perhaps you could spread the story out over a few more days or even a week. This would give the story a chance to 'breathe'. Does that make sense? Anyway, cheers buddy.

I have just a few points.

"bull's eye" does not have a hyphen

No need to underline the DUI driver's name. It's emphasized enough during the phone book search.

A couple of "is" uses to remove.

I usually don't like to  suggest lines but these jumped in my head. The question "Who are you?" is not realistic just before the closing line. How about "What are you?" or leave it out so Mitch can mutter "Dartacus  is my name" or "...and'another bull's eye make eight.!"

Just trying to help a very good story along.

Gary

Hey Glenn,
I really enjoyed this one, it took a dark issue and mixed it with something completely unique and unexpected. There's a certain cool weirdness to it that works really well.
The build up to the confrontation at Stan's house with Mitch knocking on the door seemed to follow too straight a path, would have been interested to see how the scene would have played out if Mitch had hunted him down somehow or somewhere and been able to catch Stan off guard with a dart instead.
The one line that almost took me out of it was Cindy's "your over fifty". They were speaking about something so serious to them and the line almost read as comical. Besides that, everything else worked well.
Mitch's last line is great final pay off that is so bizarre but completely works for the story. Nicely done!

Hey Glenn,

This was a good read, the story flowed which was nice. I would have to agree with n7 would have been nice to have Mitch catch Stan off guard maybe following him home from yet another bar or walking out to his trash can to dump some trash and catching him there with a dart in the back of the neck.

Other then that a good read.

Tonka!

Your darts script is here finally. This script is really quite different to the antics at the Railway Inn!

Anyway, I think conceptually you have a wonderful idea - the lack of justice meted out today results in an average man taking the law into his own hands, while using his 'champion skills' to dish out HIS justice. This is really solid ground for a story. However, the final product felt a little too hollow. I think the issue is that you appear to have conviction as a comedy writer, and this attempt at drama has resulted in a hybrid that doesn't fulfil the requirement of either. The last line did make me chuckle, however.

I just think that you need to shape the characters and make them more real. Stan, for example - why is he professing that he is a computer geek at one moment, and the next minute he is taking Mitch down like a UFC fighter? It just doesn't mesh too well.

There are a few other tidbits like that throughout the script. I don't know, I just get the feeling you view stories in a surreal Gilliam type way, and that is why I can't relate.

The read was quick, and it didn't feel like a chore at all. A decent script, but I think it would benefit from a definite genre, and a few tweaks.

Andrew

Hey, Glenn. Clever title. And a good little script.

It seems callous to give the couple the newspaper to read about the accident instead of being forward with them about their daughter's death. I think a detective would give it to them straight.

And I don't think a detective would tell them that Stan "is not a murderer" when the trial hadn't taken place yet. Cops avoid outright statements like that with suspects and the public. She might have said he is not charged with murder, though.

Very touching little scene with Cindy playing Gina's message. Been used a lot, but still touching.

Why would Cindy remind Mitch he's over 50 when he says he wants revenge? I don't know of any father in the world, regardless of age, who would let anything stop him from avenging a child's death if they really wanted it. It just seemed out of place from a wife who obviously misses their daughter too.

Loved "gone to settle the score".

While the ending was supposed to be revenge for a child, the last line was funny. It was the only funny line in the script, which made it seem out of place. Maybe I just don't think that a guy with a dart protruding from his eye would be able to speak beyond "AAAAAAAAARRRRGHHHH!" or something similar.

Not bad. Good characters, solid writing.

James

Just read through the reviews and I loved grademan/Gary's suggestion about the last line of dialogue. Maybe Mitch counts the bull's eyes up to five in the beginning and his last line could simply be "Six." Interesting idea. Props, Gary.

James again

Hmm, interesting responses to this script.

For everyone who is familiar with the scripts I write, this one is way, way, way out of my comfort zone. I really wanted to have a crack at something different to what I normally write.

Biggest concern for me was the overuse of "is"  I am embarrassed and disappointed in myself for letting such a trivial mistake slip into my writing.

I checked all the current shorts I have written and see it is a problem.

Yes, you really must be vigilante as a writer as you never know when you will slip into lazy bad habits to make your writing easy.

Thanks for the heads up Jayrex and grademan.

Michel and James R thanks for pointing out the inconsistencies with real life DUI procedures in my script. This is the first time I’ve written a script like this, I don’t watch crime TV, have no knowledge of the law, so I had to fake it so to speak.  

And Andrew Allen I had a big smile when I read your observation on how I view my stories. I guess you can take Tonka out of Gilliam but you can't take the Gilliam out of Tonka.  If that makes sense.  

Quoted from tonkatough And Andrew Allen I had a big smile when I read your observation on how I view my stories. I guess you can take Tonka out of Gilliam but you can't take the Gilliam out of Tonka.  If that makes sense.

Haha! I thought so. I should've prefaced by saying Gilliam is a tremendous director. 'Twelve Monkeys' remains one the '90s most compelling movies, I think.

I would definitely like to see you do something strictly drama, Tonka. The concept you have here is very good.

Btw, I guess Darts must be pretty big in Aus now, too! Here in the UK, Sky Sports have done such a tremendous job in commercialising the sport, and making it highly accessible to the mainstream - personally, I think that's at the expense of Snooker in the UK's affections, but that's another thread!

Cheers.

Glenn,

Didn't care for this one.  It started out fairly well.  I like the Dartacus character and can picture him in a comedy.  I just found it strange how you stuck this character into such a morbid script.

I know I wasn't supposed to laugh at the ending, but I have to admit I found it hilarious.  Just the image of this guy tossing darts at the dude who killed his daughter.  And then the "I am Dartacus" tagline.  It was a bit much.

Also, it didn't make any sense that Stan would ask the question "Who are you?"  He already knows exactly who Mitch is.   That line just seemed like an obvious and unnatural setup for the final line.

As I said, I sort of liked Darticus, but I think you have him in the wrong genre.

Cam

Quoted from tonkatough Michel and James R thanks for pointing out the inconsistencies with real life DUI procedures in my script.

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. Where's the research prior to the writing?

It's hard to do research for a short and actually a lot of writers just make up everything. I think when it comes to real life legal situations though, people will catch errors very quickly what with the obsession with cop and lawyer shows on the tube.

James

Glenn

First off, great title you got here. It immediately interested me.

As for the script itself, like what Steve said above I thought this was goin to be a spoof given the title to be a pun.

For the first six pages this was a very good drama. Some of THE best work I've read from you, really drew me in. I liked the set-up, the dialogue and pacing was spot on. Stan was a prick of unbelievable proportions, blaming Mitch for him driving drunk and killing his daughter!! Denial at its most apparent.

At that point you had me totally on Mitch's side and I smiled with glee when he was exacting his revenge.

But the corny closing exchange left me scrtching me head. If it were a spoof it would fit perfectly but as I said this was good, solid and above all serious drama up to this point. Did you insert that line for a laugh as its not something a grief stricken father whose just lost his daughter would say.

And why would Stan ask who he was in the first place, Mitch had introduced himself only a couple of minutes earlier.

It did make me laugh when I thought about it for a moment. I just hope it was an intentional jab at comedy as it is so out of place with the rest of the script.

Great first six pages, man. Not sure about the punchline, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Take care.

Col.

LOL I thought this was a Roman story at first.  

First off, you gotta change that ending.  It's too laugh out loud...in a cheesy sort of way.  No offense.

Stan attacked Mitch too easily.  He needs to be provoked better than "you're scared enough, I'll deal with that."

and that's all I have to say about 8 pages.

Thanks for the read people.

The end I wrote seemed cool at the time, but having read these comments now I'm not so sure.

I guess i'm just going to have to be extra careful with my ideas and think a little harder on "how will the reader react?"

Hi Glenn,

Great storyline.  I really enjoyed it, and thought it flowed very well.  You have a lot of great comments and advice on the forum, so I might be repeating some points.  Although I enjoyed the uniqueness of the script, I felt that certain concepts didn't mesh well with the feel of the story:

--WARNING SPOILERS--

--First, I felt that some of the dialogue was unrealistic given the situation of dealing with the daughters death.  Two lines especially didn't sit right with me.  When Mitch received the phone call at the pub, his first reaction was "You're shitting me." Although Mitch is a tough guy, this seemed inappropriate.  When someone says that line, I think of someone disbelieving an act of good fortunate, like it they won a trip or the lottery.  So to me, it sounded a little comedic.  I would think that Mitch would be in a state of denial, but would eventually break down a little.  So maybe more dialogue was needed.  Also when Mitch decides to cast his revenge, and Cindy says, "....You're over fifty," I didn't feel this was appropriate as well.  I would think that at this vulnerable point in her life, Cindy would say something like "I already lost my daughter, I don't want to lose my husband too."  So reconsider your dialogue, and make sure everything is appropriate given the situation at hand.

--Second, I like where you were going with the list of addresses, but I thought it fell short.  I was hoping for a sorta Kill Bill type of revenge, were Mitch was going to go down each address, maybe getting into some more arguments and fights, before getting down to the final boss. I feel this is where a lot of the meat of the story can fall into.  

-- Lastly, and maybe I am missing something here, but I thought it was slightly off that Mitch went directly for darts as the choice of weapon for avenging his daughters death.  I would think the logical thing would be to get a gun and hunt the bastard down. In order for the darts to come into play, there should be something that forces Mitch to choose to use darts and embrace his pastime skill.  Maybe Mitch has a physical abnormality that prevents him from handling a gun.  Maybe Mitch can't get a gun because of prior clashing with the law.  Maybe he excelled in throwing knives in the army during the Vietnam war, and darts became second nature.  I am just blowing ideas off the top of my head, but I think you get the idea  I think a little background  history would go along way in explaining why Mitch chose darts as opposed to something else.  

Other than that, I would look into the advice about the ending because you don't want it to be cheesy.  I do like how you tie the "eye for an eye" from the beginning to the end.  Although I think literally an eye for an eye in this case is actually killing the guy and not taking literally, I feel that a great movie story ties in certain tidbits from the beginning to the end.

Great job and I look forward in reading more from you and seeing how this script advances.

Chris        

That was a great review chris. Thank you for taking the time to read my short.

Your welcome Glenn,

I really like your script, and look forward to constructional criticism when my turn comes to post a finished script.  I really found the plot very unique and intriguing.  When it comes to movies revolving pool, I have a soft spot.  The Hustler, Color of Money, Turn the River, all captivating to me.  This looks like its right up that niche, so I couldn't pass it down to read.  Good luck with it.  

This was a dark and strange story. The cop's been mentioned, needs some work.
The scene on the lawn was particularly strong. The plot is so utterly bizarre it would work on film as either genius or lunacy. I can't imagine anyone, even a mad darts pro, using his 'arras' like that. It's certainly an original story, that's for sure. Good work.

Hey Glenn. Just read the short, good stuff, I liked it. It could be much better though.
My notes:

- I couldn't really picture Mitch, there was no descriptions of him, except that he was fifty.

- "Yeah? . . . You’re shitting me?" I would put a "beat" as the pause. The "..." is too short for the person on the other end to say anything.

- "Stan Bingham" Why is his name underlined?

- "Mitch is enraged and disgusted."

- "You’re shitting me?" Mitch says that twice in about a page. I know it's his character, but careful not to repeat lines too much.

- I think you should play the first two words of the VO of Gina again, before it cuts, to be clear that she did press the play button, and not another button.

- There is lot's of space between your action lines. I don't know why, there doesn't need to be, unless there are lot's of things happening on screen, but is only a line on the script. I do like the fact that your action lines are to the point, simple and clear, but they don't need to start on new lines as much as they are.

- It might be a cool idea to have a teaser at the start. At the very start have Mitch about to throw the dart, and he's outside (Stan's house) then once he throws it, cut to it hitting the dart board in the pub, and then continue from the start. Just an idea.

- I don't know how hitting someone with 2 darts is the same as killing someone. The ending could be better because of this fact. The last line is good.

Good work man.

Hey TT,

Just finished.  The concept is pretty cool and different, but a few things seem incongruous.  

Mitch's reaction during the phone call felt 'wrong'.  The collapsing in tears yes, the verbal reaction seemed out of place.  Also, I'm pretty sure Stan Bingham might have more trouble on his hands than a DUI.  Donte Stallworth of the Cleveand Browns was drunk, hit and killed a man, and he's probably facing DUI manslaughter charges, which would probably net him more than two years.  Not sure, but it sounds more serious to me.  

Stan's belligerence towards the father of the girl he killed seems odd to me.  I don't know why, but I think he'd be grovelling for forgiveness, not physically attacking him.  Well, I think I would be anyway.

I do like the idea of your protag going after the killer of his daughter with his 'weapon of choice'.  That is a very cool concept.  An eye-for-an-eye?  When he took Stan's eye out, I guess that was the eye!

It's a good script, and moved very well, pacing wise.  I say take a look at the character reactions and legal stuff, and this could be a really good short feature.  Don't lose the darts as a weapon, or the last line.  The last line was so cool.  All I can here in my head, because it's just me, is "I'm Batman!"  

I liked this one. The only thing I'd really change was Stan's reaction (I agree with steven. It didn't sound natural.

Hey Glenn

Firstly, kudos on the title.

Strange one this, I was torn between this being a serious drama and it being a kinda spoof comedy affair.

The title leads toward comedy but Mitch and Cindy's torment is strong and real.  I wonder if Stan would not be in custody awaiting trail but this is a minor issue I guess.

I found the last scene a little confusing though.  I started to feel for Stan, maybe it wasn't his fault he hit Gina and he was being persacuted for a simple mistake but then he kinda over reacts and attacks Mitch. Mitch seems to have accepted that Stan will suffer enough in prison but then this outburst gives him justification to get his 'eye for an eye'.  It then turns back into a spoof for me here.

I enjoyed this but it's neither one nor the other and I think it would be better if you decided where it should lie...for me the story and emotion are strong enough for a good drama.  Jusst my opinion of course but the ending dilluted it slightly.

Good though, never the less.

Quoted from tonkatough Michel and James R thanks for pointing out the inconsistencies with real life DUI procedures in my script. This is the first time I’ve written a script like this, I don’t watch crime TV, have no knowledge of the law, so I had to fake it so to speak.

Me either Glenn, but Wikipedia is a good tool for this kind of thing.

Michel

Thank you everyone for the read.

TommyP I was very intrigued by your remarks concerning how I write action as no one has ever mentioned it like that before.

I was lead to believe that when you write action to think of action as each shot in a film. If the camera is required to be moved then you start a new sentence of action. Is this the correct way? (please, anyone?)

But what you suggest sounds good Tommy cause if I can eliminate the spaces between action  then that's mean I could cram more writing and more story into as little pages as possible.

Quoted from tonkatough I was lead to believe that when you write action to think of action as each shot in a film. If the camera is required to be moved then you start a new sentence of action. Is this the correct way? (please, anyone?)

I think you're totally right. That's the way I do (and even sometimes overdo - see my episod about anger for the upcoming series "7 Deadly Sins"). It gives rhythm to your script and incidentally indications for the camera.

Michel

Hey Glenn,

I'm sorta 50/50 about this one. I can see that you have definitely moved away from your usual funny quirky stories with this one and moved down the - in some cases - tiresome revenge path.

Knowing your style, I thought this was going to be a comedy and it actually took me a while to get that this was for real. I guess Mitch's response in the pub "You're shitting me" didn't help the matter either. I thought it was a strange thing to say after hearing his daughter had been killed. That's why I constantly suspected that you were pulling my leg with this story - I kept thinking "Glenn is gonna pull something out of the hat in any second that'll make me laugh". You didn't. I re-read the script with that in mind.

My overall problem is that everything that happens here...happens really fast. Stories like this really benefits from a longer build up, to create that tension that is needed for making Mitch's subsequent actions believable. Maybe a quick intro of the daughter at the beginning could also help, you know, just to put a face on her instead of her just being a name and a voice. That being said, the scene with the answering machine works really well.

I can see others have already mentioned the DUI inconsistency so I won't get into that.

Stan is contradictory character in my book. He claims to be a computer geek that won't last a day in prison, yet he has no problem with dishing out a can of whoop ass on Mitch. In fact, the whole scene with Stan seems a bit rushed to me. He goes berserk from the get go and immediately blames everything on Gina and her parents. It didn't seem natural in my book. He's simply too bad for a "bad guy" if that makes any sense.

Also, the fact that Mitch walks away, satisfied with Stan being scared seems to diffuse his whole character and it doesn't go hand in hand with how he behaved prior to that scene. I could buy it if he had had a change of heart - for moral reasons - but, as it stands now, I didn't believe it.

The last line seemed somewhat weird, given the general nature of the script, but I guess you had to end it somehow.

Anyway, it's a good story that needs to be longer and more consistent in my book.

Cheers
Rob

Hey Glenn,

Others have pointed out the issue with the procedures involved with a DUI, so I won't stress on it, but if the procedures were adhered to, there wouldn't be much of a story the way it is.  You'd have to have Mitch waiting two years until he got out fo prison or whatever.

With that aside, I thought the story worked. Pretty basic revenge story, but the darts aspect made it a little different and interesting.  The last line is a little off the mark, but as others have said, the question that sets it up seems more out of place.

Anyway, not bad.

Hmm, some people seem to have a problem with Stan going all kick ass on Mitch.  

Why I did that was to make Stan more cowardly and pathetic as he is beating up on someone who is over ffty.

I dont know if everyone else thinks the same, but what I think is this:  Stan seems too easily provoked -- especially in this situation -- and it just comes off as kinda cheesy.

Glenn,

I think this was a great read. Your writing was nice and crisp. No complaints there.

The story was sad and touching. Which brings me to the ending right away. I think it needs to be a more somber ending. Even though violent, it still came across as borderline comedic if you know what I mean.

I was wondering how come Mitch and Cindy gets the news so late that it's already in the papers?

I was a little confused as why Stan who's going to prison is still home. I think unless you're Bernie Madoff you get hauled to the big house right away.

I liked it and I do believe it could be made easily by someone.

Good Luck with it.  

Hey Glenn

There's something I love about your scripts. I think it's the just the bizarre, surreal humour you put into them. They are definately unique. I've still got to get around to reading your feature, if you wanna send me a link I'll give it a read when I can.

Anyway, onto Dartacus. Good strong build-up, showing that Mitch is Dartacus, the undefeated darts champion. I thought maybe some more physical description could have been put in there. Is he your stereotypical beer-bellied darts player or is he of the new breed that goes into training for each match? I think that affects him as a character.

The way the news is broken to Mitch and his reaction is the kind of humour I'm talking about. It's not laugh out loud funny but it's just ... I dunno, it makes me smile. I was reading all the dialogue in an Australian accent too by the way.

I thought the interview room was a weak scene. Some issues with it.

I love Mitch's attitude. Just the whole..."He's not a murderer". "Right".
I can just imagine him getting up out of his chair as he says the word and he's off.
Same with the note he leaves Cindy.

To keep with the theme I'd maybe have it pinned to the wall by a dart rather than have it a post-it note.

Stan's reaction was another problem I had with the script. He should stay pathetic and not be in a superior position to Mitch at any point, especially given how short this is. Make him beg for forgiveness. It just felt out of place that he fights with Mitch - our hero. How dare he even try!?

Gave me a laugh though mate. I liked it.

Ste

Thanks for the read. Yep I'm starting to get enough reviews now to see the errors of my ways.

Thanks again

hey, decent story
i havent read the other comments so i dont know if im repeating.  my biggest problem was the fact that it wasnt written to be funny, even darkly funny, except for the single point that hes using darts.  plus we don't even see any death except the last one, so its kinda a one joke story.
anyways it was well written, i just couldnt quite get the tone, or what mood you were trying to give.  ive enjoyed your other stuff, so it could just be personal taste

hey thanks for the read.

Yeah I've put this down to just another one of my scripts where I just fumbled and dropped it. That's the funny thing with pulling an idea out of your head and writing about it. sometimes you get a home run, other times you trip and stumble, land flat on your face and make a complete ass of yourself.

Another example of what I thought was a great idea that turned into a shit script was my short "Emo And The Squid". man did I get booed off the stage for that one.

So yeah thanks Jackx and if you have any scripts you want me to read to return the favour reply here or send me a PM.  

at least you got a good attitude about it.  im hoping to have something up shortly, but i made the mistake of going for a full length piece before i knew what i was doing, so we'll see.  hopefully ill be putting my ego on the line in the next month or so.

OMG! OMG! OMG! I'm so excited I am jumping up and down and giggling like a little girl.

I just watched the most piss weak, piss poor acting, piss shit useless short film on Youtube and it is based on MY short script. MY short script!

I couldn't be more happy and I wasn't even aware that my script was produced. I stumbled across it accidently while on the web.

So finally, at long last I have made it into the very exclusive "Produced script club" plus I got the bonus prize of having the most shittiest short film based on my script ever here on SS.

Follow the link below and check it out,  


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2TAoorWrkA

I am so happy I have to go now and cry tears of joy.

Congratulations??


It wasn't half as bad as you make out.  Well, ok, it wasn't 3/4 as bad...


But you should, probably gently because you're happy about it, remind the makers that it's good form to ask before using a screenplay.

Congrats on getting the script produced.  But, I cannot believe the guy didn't contact you for permission.  And, it's incredible he didn't at least contact you when the project was completed and put up on youtube.  Even scumbags who produce scripts without first asking permission usually have the decency to let you know they've "borrowed" your stuff.  Looks like an NYU film project.  That school must have some set rules on securing permission from writers.

But, as Cornetto mentioned, it wasn't all bad.  The scream the guy lets out after the eye dart is hilarious, though.  Gaaaah!

Hi Glenn, just gave this one a read. It's a straightforward story, maybe a bit too straightforward that it became predictable.

The story moves pretty quickly. A good first scene to setup that Mitch is extremely good at throwing darts. But somehow the way his respond to the news of his daughter's death rubbed me the wrong way, especially "You're shitting me?" line.

The rest of the scenes at Mitch's home are good. I liked the scene where Mitch sharpened the tip of the darts. It made us anticipate the eventual showdown between Mitch and Stan.

But it kinda fell flat when Mitch reached Stan's house. I don't know, but Stan's reaction to Mitch is kinda unreasonable. Why did Stan chase after Mitch when Mitch seemed to let it go? Especially for a computer geek like him, he doesn't sound like a guy with that much rage. And then Stan punched the father of the girl he just killed?

I know why you wanted Stan to do that, because then Mitch would have reasons to really throw darts at Stan. But this now seems the characters are feeding the plot, instead of the other way around. I hope you can find another way to get Mitch to do what he did at the end, considering the nature and motive of the characters as well.

Writing is good, it was a breeze to read. Sometimes you use passive verbiage though. "Everyone is gathered", "Dart is scraped", etc.

Herman

Oh btw, congrat on having a short produced. At least you got a credit of original screenplay at the end of the short.

Hi,

Just read it.

Dartacus is a fun name and suggests mockumentary (I think so) and all the drama on page 2 and forth was a surprise to me. The comedy element in the beginning and the very end didn't blend with the rest of it, I think.

Also, the end is not the one for me. What Stan says makes very good sense - who lets his 13 year old daughter wander around at night... - I do think that Dartacus has to blame himself. But that maybe just me.

Structurally it's good, I think - the opening dart scene payed off well. Overall it kept me engaged and is an easy read.

Congrats on getting your script made.

I've added it to the simplyscripts youtube channel.

Thanks every one for the kind words

Kahamanna and Coding Herman, do you two have any short scripts posted here as I owe you both a read.

Wait- what? There is a SimpleScript Youtube channel? For real? Can I have a link please Jayrex. I got to see this.  

Glen, that was great! Congratulations!

Javier, where is it on the SS channel? I didn't see it.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Javier, where is it on the SS channel? I didn't see it.

http://www.youtube.com/user/SimplyScripts#g/c/2FE6C1381CC02CA5

It's the last one in the playlist.

TT,

Congrats on becoming a made man, er, screenwriter. The film was lacking compared to your screenplay. I thought the plastic dart bodies were too colorful and made it look cheesy. Have you contacted them to find out how you screenplay was chosen? I bet it was the title.

Gary