The Lady in Red by Kevin Lewis (Kevin_L) writing as Chris De Burgh - Short - A man reminisces about a girl he went to school with. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi writer

Alright, this was sweet! The writing was decent but needs a cleanup after the challenge (wrong name somewhere and few misspellings)

Story was very touching and I think the bitter ending was a good choice. The characters were real and I loved the jumps in time to tell a 10 year story in only 5 pages.

Nice work

Hey Writer,

Yeah, this was a  touching well-written story. I liked your dialogue throughout, particularly the voiceover from Josh - writers can sometimes overdo voice-over dialogue but I feel you got yours just right.

"Kindergarten to Graduation. And that was the memory she chose to embed in her cortex" - I love that. Great piece of dialogue, in my opinion.

For me, the only thing missing in the tale is a dance. I know Josh mentions it in his VO, but I would've loved to have seen Josh and Lauren dancing (cheek to cheek) in her red midi-dress. I just wonder if it would make a poignant last visual - a flashback of that dance they had, maybe after he sees the note. That said, the note is still a touching ending.

Think people will like this.

Lovely idea.

Please, please have Lauren dressed either in the titular mini-dress or skirt in another draft.

Anything midi is usually reserved for older women or school girl's uniforms with strict regulations.

Nods her head = yes.
Shakes her head = no.
Josh is on a bent knee...
Josh is on bended knee.

On the other side of the spectrum is JOSH... In cap and
gown, he watches from a couple cars over.
You could do without the 'spectrum' preamble.

Barren ring finger?
Bare or unadorned might be better.

Suggestion: Lauren gets uncomfortable.
Lauren looks third-wheel uncomfortable, or visibly uncomfortable.

She runs off to make a call? I'm really not sure what decade we're in here. Must be pre-mobile phones?

We can tell the GF is not right for him. They just got engaged and she gives him a peck on the cheek?  

pooping on yourself
'pooping yourself' would do.

Josh sits on the foot of the bed... He uncovers and wraps
his hands around her feet. Her feet?

Okay, I'll stop the nitpicks. Nice story which deserves and would benefit from a bigger page count.

The bull riding comment and the FB comment in dialogue  stuck with me. Nice job there.

It ends a bit abruptly. I agree with Colin about the dance which would make a great top n tail.

Instead of the hospital drama unfolding I think it might be better if she's not there at the reunion for whatever reason - and Josh feels all is lost, then she turns up after everyone's gone home but Josh waited and waited and they finally get to have their dance.

P.S. Okay, I watched two video clips. In one it looks like a long silky red dress, in the the other a skirt and midriff-baring top. Either way, not midi.

SPOILERS

The "I deleted social media" line is a bit clunky and feels like a bit of oversharing in this moment. Stands out from the rest of the (fairly natural sounding) dialogue. I like the exposition itself to be clear, and I think you've generally done a good job of filling out a lot of backstory with a few lines, but this just felt like an awkwardly written moment.

I liked this. I thought it wasn't quite capturing the mood of the song but then by the end it totally did. I liked the left turn in the story and thought it worked well, although the leadup was a little clunky/confusing for me -- easy stuff to clean up in a rewrite. I do think this could be strengthened by weaving a few clues to that reveal in earlier -- some hints of sadness/doom often go a long way in the first half of a comedy-to-tragedy thing.

Nice one here. Ambitious with the challenge, in my opinion.

This is such a touching story. Agree with others that it could use a clean up (typos, etc). It is overall a genuinely heartfelt offering. I’ve run out of Kleenex today and this story was one of the reasons. Good job purveying all the angst and sentiment in a short few pages. Really felt this one.

He couldn't have a successful relationship with anyone else.  He was only fooling himself, marrying that other girl.  How sad the ending was.  I don't usually get touched by scripts like this, but this one got me.  Terribly sad, but a very good script.

This was one of those life-condensed scripts but it doesn't seem rushed. Maybe they could have come to their realization at the reunion and not gone for the soap opera hospital reveal, but hey, people like soaps.  Good pacing and well done overall.

First off, great choice of song. Bloody love that song!

Some decent writing here, but like others have already mentioned just needs a tidy up.

I agree with Heretic about the social media line. Felt a bit out of place and not up to the standard of the rest of the dialogue, but that's an easy fix.

Good job overall though.

The problem with reading after so many others have...it's all been said. I'll just say that I agree with the notes given.

Well done.

Best,
Paul

I don't know about this one -- I mean, at the end of the day, the story has heart and a good story arc, but I'm just not necessarily feeling the emotional pull that others are.  Maybe for me the melodramatic climax was a bit too much for me -- I think you had a really decent story up to that point.  Does he deserve to be broken-hearted, or does he deserve the girl in the end?  I don't think it matters.  But killing her off doesn't provide any kind of satisfiable resolution in my own mind.  Judging from the other reviews, I'm clearly in the minority here, so take my thoughts for what it's worth.

And you really need a call back to the red dress later in the script to tie this all together.  Not the same red dress, of course, but something that could connect the beginning and the end.  Felt like a missed opportunity.

Still, a good read, just providing my personal gut reaction to it.  Best of luck with it.

A sad love story, and a good read.
As there are many comments ahead of me, let me just focus on the excellent dialog.
Enjoyed the story contained in just a short script, nice job~!

Okay, admission... I detest that song, sorry, I'm sure there's a circle in hell reserved for people who hate Lady in Red

Fortunately, I like the script more!

I think there's an accidental switch of characters midway through Pg 4 when Mark appears when it should he Josh(?).

But I think as a contemporary tale it felt odd that he's split with his inappropriate GF and just wait for the reunion, he'd have more agency if he did something himself.

But overall I liked it.

This was absolutely heartbreaking. You pulled me in and made me care. Nice job.

Anything else to comment on has already been said.

Writer,

Lady in Red isn't a bad song, but I prefer Don't Pay the Ferryman.

Sorry, I wasn't feeling it. It didn't tug at my heartstrings. Maybe my better half should have gotten to this one.

Stories like this are not my cup of tea. I don't watch them, don't write them. That said, I can see where other's find it touching. Still a very nice entry overall.

We have no dog in this fight, and will not be scoring if we do not make it through them all, but if we do... I'll have Andrea read it and offer feedback, she'd like this.

All the best,

Ghost