Tangled Web by P.H. Cook - Thriller - A weekend getaway for a couple takes a deadly turn when they encounter a seductive stranger who reveals their darkest secrets and drives them to murder. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks Don!

I wrote this for a filmmaker with a specific cast and cabin in mind. I think he wanted more of a drama though, so I'm posting it here in case anyone else is interested.  

I liked this one - didn't see the final twist - well done,

Pia, wow!  This is crazy good. You certainly have mastered painting the picture of what you want the feel of this script to be. I was hooked from the start. I learn so much from everyone on this site. Really, really like the style and the tension of this. I hope someone will see this a pick it up.  Thank you so much for sharing.

Love the title page so much!

"Julia�s mangled body, with limbs in odd angles down below."

How high is this cabin?  A fall to mangle a body would have to be from a considerably height, especially considering they are landing on a forest floor and not a solid surface like concrete. Maybe mention the cabin is on the edge of a cliff?
(EDIT: I just read above you had a specific cabin in mind, so I guess the real life cabin is high up)

Reads really well and kept me engaged, good twist ending.

My only real gripe is that I would have preferred some cleverness in Sara's plan (or seen her plan at all, really). She went there to take out two people on her own, seems she achieved it via sheer dumb luck. (spiking the wine to make them weak, for example - although probably a little clich� maybe? Sara already said she bought the wine so the setup is there)

I see Futurum is a genuine tech company, was this on purpose?

Anyway, very nice

Regards

Matt

Quoted from eldave1 I liked this one - didn't see the final twist - well done,

Thank you, Dave!  

Quoted from kcranford Pia, wow!  This is crazy good. You certainly have mastered painting the picture of what you want the feel of this script to be. I was hooked from the start. I learn so much from everyone on this site. Really, really like the style and the tension of this. I hope someone will see this a pick it up.  Thank you so much for sharing.

Wow, thank you!

I hope someone else will pick it up.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Love the title page so much!

I do too. If I can find a suitable pic, I like to put them on the cover page. I think they help set the tone right off the bat.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor "Julia's mangled body, with limbs in odd angles down below." How high is this cabin?  A fall to mangle a body would have to be from a considerably height, especially considering they are landing on a forest floor and not a solid surface like concrete. Maybe mention the cabin is on the edge of a cliff? (EDIT: I just read above you had a specific cabin in mind, so I guess the real life cabin is high up)

Yes, I went off the pictures he sent me of this place. It's on a mountain, so the balcony is over a hill or cliff which makes it more like three or four story drop.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor My only real gripe is that I would have preferred some cleverness in Sara's plan (or seen her plan at all, really). She went there to take out two people on her own, seems she achieved it via sheer dumb luck. (spiking the wine to make them weak, for example - although probably a little cliche maybe? Sara already said she bought the wine so the setup is there)

Not a bad idea, but it's always a fine line between hinting more or giving away a twist. I also tried to end each page with a specific "cliffhanger", so I crammed as much as I could into each page. I could added more stuff and gone for ten pages, but I decided not to.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor I see Futurum is a genuine tech company, was this on purpose?

I looked it up and noticed there is a company called Futurum, latin for future, but did not see a Futurum AI, so I went with that.

Thanks for reading and commenting.  

I did hear back from the filmmaker btw, but he didn't even mention the scrip! He just said he wants a social commentary drama. I guess I'm not the right person for this project...

Nice work, Pia!

When Julia appeared in the mix Knock Knock came instantly to mind, as did Barbarian and I thought the couple were going to be caught in the midst of psychotic stranger territory. I loved this moment btw.

Have to say though, I didn't exactly connect with the whole AI Tech Company element mainly because I was probably imagining something different and it seemed less self-contained for a Short, and more a part of a bigger continuing story.
But then I came around.  


SPOILERS

The only other thing I would say is that Sara's fight back and victory (similar to what Matthew said) was achieved more by luck than design, considering what Julia ends up doing. I get there's a balance needed though in concocting the plot while not revealing all. Otherwise we'd twig and there'd be no surprise at the end.

Another big fan of your cover page here.

Love the setup.
Great line with the chess and the tic tac toe.

Minor typo:
He gets a hold of Sara’s knife wrist.
One or the other.

Nice little Hitch moment at the end.
I only wished the railing had snapped off and that Julia had dropped (to my imaginary) rocks and ocean floor below.

Thanks Libby! I would agree with your comments, but as you know, I was trying to please a filmmaker, so that's why things ended up the way they did. I don't plan on doing any re-writes, so not really looking for a whole lot of suggestions. I would've done it if he had said something about the script, but it was as if he didn't even bother reading it. I'm very disappointed about that. He gave me more of a specific storyline he wanted, so I'm working on a new one. Same location, one character and use of AI. It's a drama. If he doesn't like that one either, I'll just post that one up here as well, see if anyone else bites. I posted this one on SR yesterday and a filmmaker already downloaded it during the night, so I'm feeling hopeful.  

Thanks again.  

Ah,okay. Point taken, Pia. So now he's come back with a more specific outline?
Hope it works out second time around. And good luck with this one.

Quoted from LC And good luck with this one.

Thanks! I just got an email from some just 35 minutes ago.

Ahoy Pia,

Well-written, fully in command of diction (as Aristotle would say). I liked this quite a bit. I'd keep reading if it was feature length for sure. Then again... I'm a sucker for these kind of scripts. I definitely think it plays better as a thriller though.  Sorry for the lame ass feedback. I'm sure someone's gonna want to film this. So... best of luck! -A

This is the first piece of your work that I have read. Wow.

This has everything I like to see in a thriller: Romance, surprise, conflict, conciliation, fine wine and food, inebriation, a scandalous secret revealed, a struggle, hemorrhaging , another struggle but with aerial acrobatics, and a phone call for an epilogue.  Nice.

I could visualize the action happening in front of me. I was totally absorbed into the story.

I have read the comments and advice you have given to the work of others and was curious as to what your work was like. I wasn’t disappointed. Your style is descriptive and easy to read. I learned a lot. I did a quick look through the library here and found The Hit.  I’m going to read that next and learn some more.

I like the title page. I’m wondering if the artwork is original. It’s perfect.

Only up to page 4 so far .. sure its going to be great but I find early dialogue unconvincing .. that they just immediately start arguing, immediately becoming confrontational " you have to leave " etc as opposed to trying to verify who each party is and how the misunderstanding occurred.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal Well-written, fully in command of diction (as Aristotle would say).

This here means more than you can ever imagine. When I first started this my English was truly terrible. I know I've said this in the past, but it's been a big struggle for me, English is not my native language, but I'm not very well educated either. I only have a middle school education, so learning to write and get compliments too, means so much to me. Back when I started here, I couldn't spell and my grammar was non existent. I learned most of my screenwriting here from kind readers who took the time to comment and read despite the crap I was churning out. So thank you for this. It put an extra pep in my step today.

Quoted from ghost and_ghostie gal I liked this quite a bit. I'd keep reading if it was feature length for sure. Then again... I'm a sucker for these kind of scripts. I definitely think it plays better as a thriller though.  Sorry for the lame ass feedback. I'm sure someone's gonna want to film this. So... best of luck! -A

I think the filmmaker wanted to turn it into a feature if the short worked. Maybe he was planning to use it as a sample for crowd funding or such. I'm almost finished with the drama version, but I have people staying with us for awhile, so I can't seem to find the time to finish. Oh well...

Thanks again!

Quoted from D.A.Banaszak This is the first piece of your work that I have read. Wow. This has everything I like to see in a thriller: Romance, surprise, conflict, conciliation, fine wine and food, inebriation, a scandalous secret revealed, a struggle, hemorrhaging , another struggle but with aerial acrobatics, and a phone call for an epilogue.  Nice. I could visualize the action happening in front of me. I was totally absorbed into the story. I have read the comments and advice you have given to the work of others and was curious as to what your work was like. I wasn’t disappointed. Your style is descriptive and easy to read. I learned a lot. I did a quick look through the library here and found The Hit.  I’m going to read that next and learn some more. I like the title page. I’m wondering if the artwork is original. It’s perfect.

Wow! I'm humbled again about the comments! Thank you!

The Hit is an older script now. Not so sure I would even like now. I still learned something from it though, don't let a director/producer option your script for two years on a $1 option. I had a lot of people interested in that script, but because of that option, I couldn't do anything with it and by the time the option ran out, the script was "old hat". I don't really post features online anymore until I have exhausted all other avenues for the script. As I have become a better feature writer, I have also become more protective of my work.

Thank you again for reading and commenting.  

Quoted from William Wonder Only up to page 4 so far .. sure its going to be great but I find early dialogue unconvincing .. that they just immediately start arguing, immediately becoming confrontational " you have to leave " etc as opposed to trying to verify who each party is and how the misunderstanding occurred.

Thanks for taking a look.

About the unconvincing dialogue, I know what you mean, but sometimes with shorts, when you have so few pages to work with, every word matters and sometimes things suffer for it. If this was a feature for example, I would do things completely different.

Thanks, and welcome to Simply Scripts.  

i look forward to reading the rest of it in the next few days .. thanks