This script is written by screenwriting class moderator George Wilson and he will attempt to shoot this one himself, so let's give him our best discussion on this one.

Read the script here.
If you want to give a review, do it here.

Let's not rush this time. Lets give it a week before discussions start so everyone who intends to participate will have time to read it.

Whenever I read a script or watch a movie I always have a one or two word first impression. I think first impressions are important so I would like to know what your first impression was after reading. Something simple like, Good, Great, Boring, Slow, Exciting, Scary or whatever. I think that will also help us later to narrow down why we felt this or that and where the problem areas might be.

My suggestion is that we discuss this script in this order:

First impression
Story/structure/plot
Characterization/arc/journey
Dialogue
Writing
Commercial appeal

Hope this makes sense.

See you all in seven days.

Well, finished reading it yesterday in one sitting. I'm going with the first impression part.

I enjoyed it, but I think it could be pushed further more. What I'm talking about is  the end.

At the end, when Jenna confronts Brad, would Brad give in to her so easily realizing his life is over? I don't think so. Push that a bit more. Maybe have him confront them all at that time? This is his life we're talking about.  

Story wise, the concept really captures the reader. It's simple, realistic and as a result effective.

Overall, I liked all the characters since the reader can separate them from each other in accordance to their past and actions. They also have a distinctive arc. What I'm interested in is Brad's history of how he came to be this way.

The dialogue I think needs a bit more work though. They all talk the same, in my opinion.    

Writing is crisp and clean. No problem there.

Commercial appeal, defiantly. It hits all ages but more precisely the teenagers.

Hope I'm did this right. lol.

(If you want to know why I did it this way, well, I'm kind of confused on how the selections are going to be discussed over in terms of days? Like one day for this topic and another day for this topic. That's how I interpreted. confused, I decided to go with the more common way, I decided to talk about it all following pia's order. Sorry if it's wrong but a review is a review.)  

My first impression...

unrealistic  

First impression: poor and unrealistic
Story/structure/plot: Next to none/poor/same as story
Characterization/arc/journey:shallow and unintereting, woman characters unrealistic, no dercernable protagonist, antagonist is a one dimensional jock with little depth past what is obvious to the reader, arc and journey suffer from unrealistic turning points and everything I mentioned before."
Dialogue: Uneconomical, and sometimes silly. A good actor will slash and burn most of it during filmming.
Writing: Lack's originality, reads like the writers rushed through it without taking the time/effort to flush out a strong story line.
Commercial appeal: As it is now it is a definate pass on for all criterias.

Okay people, there seem to have been some misunderstanding here.

I wanted everyone's first impression first then we take one subject at the time after that.

We'll move on to story/plot/structure tomorrow or after midnight tonight.

Sorry if I confused everyone... I often do.  

my first impression:  good, but slagging.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Okay people, there seem to have been some misunderstanding here. I wanted everyone's first impression first then we take one subject at the time after that. We'll move on to story/plot/structure tomorrow or after midnight tonight. Sorry if I confused everyone... I often do.

Sorry my fault I thought after 1 week it was fair game.

Just to get the ball rolling let me ask you then why you thought the story was unrealistic. I read the reviews of this script and realized all the reviewers were men and they generally liked it.

Quoted from eric11 Just to get the ball rolling let me ask you then why you thought the story was unrealistic.

Exactly the same reasons you did.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Exactly the same reasons you did.

I think men in general lack the consitution to write believable female characters well, can you blame us ?. When we get to the character part could you offer some insight as to what a woman would actually do in this type of situation.

Actually there were quite a few things I found unrealistic. Besides the dialogue and certain situations throughout there were things like Kelsey (16) listening to "rules" by her sister Jenna (17). I'm talking about watching Basic Instinct which IMHO also needs to be changed to something a little more up to date.

First impressions: A well written, well thought out script, that would work fine as a film, like an afternoon special sort of film, but it needed more grit to really be a theatrical movie.  The script tries to get gritty but it never actually does. IMHO

I found those 'rules' a little weird myself (maybe Basic Instinct should be changed to something like Alpha Dog).  Another thing I thought was kinda goofy was that Alex knew exactly where to find Brad at the end and set him up....and he just happened to be cheating on Jenna at the time.  It seemed all too easy for me in the way that Brad got caught.

Quoted Text First impressions: A well written, well thought out script, that would work fine as a film, like an afternoon special sort of film, but it needed more grit to really be a theatrical movie.  The script tries to get gritty but it never actually does. IMHO

I agree.  A lot of things could've been milked more.  

First impression... In a word,

"omission"

the omission of adults (or adult rationale) hurt character and plot.


BLB

Sorry Pia. It was my bad. I'll add more detail to the other topics to make it up.

My first impressions are exactly like Pia's thoughts.  Completely unrealistic.

I am stunned with this story.  I can't believe it, I'm sorry George but this story is SO over-the-top.  The first two pages had me dumbfounded.

There's a bully who secretly is a friend of Alex, a sixteen year old getting told to go to sleep by a seventeen year old, and a girl called Emma asking if she can take Laura's place at the top of the pyramind.  Lots of tiny things that cannot be true or sounds silly.

I think unrealistic covers most points by me.

The only positive is that the writing is quick and easy to read.